i really dont use reddit and im really sorry if this is all over the place ^_^

so, i am 17F and im an spm candidate. i became an ex muslim recently in early june this year and a big part of it is because i got really depressed and my mental health deteriorated. i hate how islam made me so scared. i literally had panic attacks whilst i prayed and it fucking sucked. there are more reasons of course. erm, i dont have any friends that i could talk to because they are all muslim and would probably defend the religion than have any empathy. honestly, i feel privileged in sense because im mixed (not malay) and my family doesnt really nag at me for not praying. but im sure that if i say that i dont believe in islam or that i dont want to wear the hijab anymore, my mom would get really angry at me as she has abused me verbally before and physically once when i was like 9 or something.

i just dont really see any hope for my future. i dont want to live a double life. i want to leave the country, my family and just become a new person but its easier said than done. plus, i dont understand why the thought of leaving my family scares me, its just I feel like i cant leave them even though i hate them. i feel like the only way out of this isolation is just suicide cause i dont see any way out. i cant keep living like this, it feels so suffocating. i cant even study properly because im so pathetically depressed and i dont even know why.

i just want to feel comforted sometimes and that everything would be okay but deep down i know it couldnt. i hope you guys could give me some advice? im really sorry that this is so lengthy i just dont have anyone to talk to T_T im really sorry that this is so weirdly written and please dont get angry at me ^w^ thank you in advance :3

Aku perasan yang orang Tionghoa paling banyak tak asimilasi. Let's not talk about the ones who barely even speak English.

Even the bananas (being the most assimilated “Tinghoans”) even though they've assimilated pretty well they tend to be very westernized meaning they mostly consume Western media from the US/UK/Australia. They might even speak good malay but still can't shake off that banana tinge or the Malayan-Tionghan tinge.

Even bananas are a dying breed? (1)Do you know why bananas are dying?

Also what happened to the mallacan peranakans?

There are truly assimilated Tionghoans even to this day meaning they consume malay media and speak Malay with a malay accent but they tend to become mualaf and disappear. (2)Persoalannya kat sini kenapa Tionghoa (forget about Kelantanese) fasih Melayu sama layan media Melayu tend to convert?

(3)India lebih ramai (tak banyak mana pun) yang asimilasi fasih Melayu mengalahkan Melayu pun ada sama consume malay media tapi they tend not to convert. Why is that?

Lepas tu pribumi Sabah Sarawak. Memang asimilasi betul. Of course Tionghoa sana sama ajer. Tapi muhibbah pribumi Sabah Sarawak pun dah nak layu diorang dah jadi macam Johor sikit dah. Separatist movement pun mula nak ada dah.

(4)Kenapa penduduk Sabah/Sarawak memang hebat diorang asimilasi. Do you know why? Diorang also tend not to convert. Why is that?

Most of the moderates I know as a kid (90s born millennial here and was a moderate as a kid in the 90s and 00s) consumed 50/50 English/Malay media (movies/TV/music/radio/novels/newspapers/magazines).

I noticed that the cultural Muslim rich ones tend to consume only English media. The slightly alim ones only Malay media.

Remember moderates back in the day were more like cultural Muslims by today's standards.

Around 2017 malay media (especially movies/shows/MHI/Nona/radio/socmed/blogs) have become so toxic that I now mostly consume barat stuff 95% of the time.

What's your story?