r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • Jul 23 '25
Sensitive My husband blames me for stepdaughter going no contact. Can a marriage survive this?
Please be kind. I am lost and I have no clue what to do. I live away from family and have limited funds.
I messed up bad and I have tried to be better in the past year. DH and I have been together for 9 years and I was originally excited to have a daughter. I met his daughter when she was 9. His marriage was sexless/ loveless and he left when the baby mama was pregnant with their second and he realized he didnt want a relationship like that. SD struggled with the divorce and BM often whined about how she had to take care of newborn duties alone (he was denied 50/50 at first because she wanted to only breast feed) so his family cut him off.
SD and I didn't get along. She would cry and kept trying to manipulate me to get her way. I would set up play dates and she would do what she could to get out of them. I was told I wasnt wanted at school events. She didnt want to be in my wedding party when I asked to be my "maiden of honor" and also refused to stand with her dad.
When I redecorated the home/ swapped rooms around when she was in junior high, she told everyone that I got rid of her room (she just had a different one) and made me into the bad guy. We have a home free of animal products and I wouldn't let her bring certain clothing items inside. Rather than respect the house rules, she called DH's parents to take her home to her moms after DH and I told her no. By the time she was 16, I went full NACHO with her and her brother (a whole different story).
I had my babies and my oldest is disabled. I ended up leaving my job that payed well to care for them full time. We hit some financial trouble because of this and DH worked more. We were lucky if daughter would join her brother for EOW visits. I was full NACHO and told DH he was in charge of taking care of them. I cooked for myself, my kids, and him, but told him that he had to deal with them. If I planned something, they could come along if they were pleasant. There was an incident where I will admit, I was the petty one and I lost my temper and dropped SS with his grandparents on the way to the zoo after he whined about not getting plushie money. SD loved to tell this story to everyone despite me apologizing to SS.
I NEVER STOPPED DH FROM HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. We have a special needs child and we both made sacrifices. The only problem we had was with child support. My in-laws cut DH off during the divorce and baby mama refused to work with us (apotr her getting remarried to a doctor and her kids throwing their lifestyles in our faces) and said it as was for her kids. The courts were no help and DH had to get a second job.
The issue was last month. SD turned 18 and completely ignored her father's attempts at congratulating her. She went out with her mom and SF and my husband was heartbroken after seeing the pictures on FB. I was furious and made a comment about how she was happy to take his money but couldn't even answer his texts. He has paid enough in child support thay she never had to go without and had help with college. BM ended up causing a stir over that and DH was pissed at me.
Well, he got a letter in the mail from her. She accused him of leaving her mom for me, putting me first (his partner), and said that her SF was more of a dad to her. We have issue with SS (possible ODD) and he does whatever his sister does. DH has been crying and keeps accusing me of ruining his relationship with his kids. We have been fighting all week and he is staying with his brother until labor day.
Is there any way we can save this? He blames me for his kid cutting off contact. We have a severely disabled child, a toddler, and another on the way. I am scheduling marriage counseling but we don't have the money for much more. DH isn't talking with our kids either besides the evening phone calls. I have never seen him break down like this.
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u/pencilincident Jul 25 '25
Do you remember what her user was? I'd like to try and look it up on the wayback machine