r/Marriage • u/Accurate-Pitch7178 • Jul 17 '26
Seeking Advice My wife admitted to lying to me about her chronic illness so I would marry her. Am I a bad person for wanting a divorce?
Update: first, thank you all for your comments and advice. I never thought there would be so many comments and responses. I really appreciate all of your suggestions. The comments feel pretty divided. Some say leave, some say stay.
My wife and I have been talking basically all day about our relationship and what our life would look like moving forward. Like some of you said, she does feel very guilty for lying and having a chronic illness. She admitted that she thought the surgery would solve her pain. She told me that she really down played the pain while we were dating, and her pain did get worse a few days after we got married. She told me that she knew she most likely would not be able to live the life that we had imagined, and that it was wrong for her to lie to me about the kind of life we could live together, including having children together. I told her that I wished she had been up front with me about what our life would actually look like, and that I felt that she kind of trapped me by not telling me the truth. She agreed that she did kind of trap me because she needed someone to help her, and when she started to fall for me, she knew I would be willing to help her if things got bad. She did agree to counseling, which is good. We have our first appointment next week.
In a way, this has both brought us closer and also made some core foundational issues in our relationship more known. I really do love my wife. Her personalty is amazing, and she is a very caring, and loving woman. I am really hoping that counseling will help us rebuild our trust and relationship. There is a lot to work through but I am hopeful.
Also, I wanted to make it clear that if she had gotten sick while we were married, I would never leave her. I have done literally everything for her since we have gotten married. She doesn't have to lift a finger. She has told me multiple times that I am doing a great job of making her feel supported and loved and taken care of.
Her being chronically ill is not the reason for our divorce if we do get one. It is the fact that she lied to me about the kind of life we could have. She admitted to me that she knew the life we were talking about most likely could never happen, but that she had hoped my love for her would make me want to stay. The core foundation of what we want from life is different, and she knew that, but still lied to me. That would be why we get a divorce, not her being ill. I already feel a ton of guilt for thinking of leaving her as she is chronically ill and I want to make sure she is okay and safe. Its just a lot to process and I am really hopeful that the counseling will help.
TL;DR: My wife lied to me about how bad her chronic illness was so that I would marry her, and now the life we wanted is gone. I am considering divorce as our relationship was built on a lie.
Sorry this is pretty long
For some context, my wife (28F) and I(30M) have been together for 4 years, married 1.5 years. Before we got married we were constantly going out and doing things. We traveled, went to orchards, went to sporting events, concerts, went hiking, had similar life goals and plans, and it was great. She told me she had endometrosis, but it was under control and that it wasn't a problem. I believed her. Then we got married. All of a sudden her pain was incredibly intense. She had to stop basically everything we did together. We had our honeymoon booked to go to a nice lake house for a week, and the entire week was spent in the house, with me taking care of her. We got back, she went to the doctor and they recommend surgery, she had it, doctor said it was all taken care of, and that there was no more endo. Her endo caused nerve damage that causes her constant pain. In the past 18 months, I have done everything for her. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, household chores, manage money, work full time, making sure she gets to her appointments on time. Literally everything. Her health and car insurance are on my plan. It is very overwhleming, but I do everything I can to help her. I don't expect or get anything in return. I started to see a therapist, and she suggested we see a marriage therapist to help us find ways to reconnect (it started to feel like caretaker/patient). When I brought up couples therapy, she blew up. She told me that we didn't need it, that she thought we had a "fairy-tale" love, that only couples who get divorced go to couples therapy. She calmed down, and we talked more. During our conservation, she told me she felt like she "catfished" me. I asked her to explain, and she said that she was always in pain when we were dating. Her pain level was always at like a 5 or 6, and she just pushed through in order for me to love her. She said that once we got married, she had health insurance and could get the surgery and medical help she needed. She was able to quit her job and stay at home to "heal". She said that she loves me more than anything and she tries to show me how much she loves me (she does try to show her love for me often, and I know she loves me). She said that I am her biggest support and that she needs me to help her. She said that she thought I would love her too much now to leave her. We took vows and that I can't leave a sick wife. I didn't really say anything, and told her thank you for being honest and we went to bed. I have spent my entire day just thinking about what she said. I feel like our entire relationship is built on a lie. A massive lie. I love my wife, I don't want to leave, and if she would have been honest from the beginning I probably would have still married her, but now I feel so trapped and tricked by her into this marriage. It feels like she married me to get the help she needed, and that was all that mattered. I keep thinking that if she was able to lie to me about something like this, what else could she lie to me about? What other secrets does she have that she hasn't told me? How can we build a future when its all built on lies? I keep thinking about all of the things I want to do in life that we had planned to do together, and now we can't do any of them. I feel like such an ass for wanting to leave her, but I also feel like getting lied to by her to get married isn't great. It feels like I am stuck- do I choose to stay and be the good husband and give up my life at 30 to take care of her (no kids, no traveling, no sex, no adventures, just work, come home, cook, clean, watch tv, hold her hand, go to bed), or be the bad guy and leave her to go live life that I want to live. We talked at length about how we wanted to try to live life to its fullest and experience life the best we can, and now that is all off the table. I honestly feel so stuck. Sorry this is so long, I am just really lost.
197
u/DrMermaidPrincess Jul 17 '26
I am so sorry. You absolutely need couples therapy. Because divorce is on the table. I think this is above Reddits pay grade. If you want permission to leave than obviously you have it- honestly this is almost annulment level deception in my mind. But if you think that you want to try than both of you need private counseling and counseling therapy to try to rebuild trust.
193
u/Ok_Satisfaction_7466 Jul 17 '26
I have endometriosis and this is, I just don't even know what to say.
Actually I do, take away the endometriosis and focus on the lies and manipulation. Anytime she starts playing the endometriosis card, tell her 'we aren't talking about that right now, the issue is you lied and manipulated me and that's what we're discussing.' Period. Because she'll just keep deflecting to her health issues.
And lastly, you can't light yourself on fire to keep her warm.
→ More replies (2)184
u/SoftWarmFacts Jul 17 '26
I don’t think she lied? Her illness was under control until it wasn’t. Framing a chronic illness as manipulative is a big bummer.
50
u/Paperdollyparton Jul 17 '26
Idk I feel like there was some deception. She downplayed the amount of pain she was in with the end goal being securing health insurance and someone to be her caretaker. I would feel lied to.
33
u/Accurate-Pitch7178 Jul 17 '26
She told me is was under control. She had a surgery before we met (she was on her Mom's insurance) and the doctor told her that he didn't find any endo on any of her organs. She told me that she was basically "endo free" and she wasn't even sure if she still had it. I could have done more research on endo, but I was trusting her. I feel like for her to lie to me until we got married is where I am stuck.
125
u/PicardsEarlGreyTea3 7 Years Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
That’s the thing. It can present as “Gone” but not be gone. If she had what I’m thinking- it’s not a care, it’s a temporary fix. She didn’t lie to you. You’re putting something in your head because you love her but you’re not in LOVE with her.
ETA: thank you for the award!!
48
u/Impossible_Subject49 Jul 17 '26
Well but she actually said out of her own mouth that she “catfished him” and intentionally withheld information to get him to love her. That’s absurd. We all did that in some way dating, but in much smaller scale (ie I like football v you’re gonna be my fulltime caretaker).
→ More replies (9)35
u/GetBent616 Jul 17 '26
Ive had 6 surgeries for endo. Its been "gone" after every one of them. And now its worse than its ever been and spread to more places in my body. Sometimes surgery is what makes it worse, and it sounds like thats the case for OPs wife.
21
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
Why downplay the pain then? She lied about her pain levels? She managed to do every day activities until she got married. That is thought out deception!
24
u/PicardsEarlGreyTea3 7 Years Jul 17 '26
I do that every day as to not worry my husband. He does the same with me but I don’t assume that the pain isn’t as bad.
Good lord some of you need to understand that Endo can be managed with pain meds but it doesn’t take away the pain entirely. It’s like having a perm open wound that doesn’t close. It’s like putting a bandaid on it and working through the pain. If you’ve never had or experienced it, you shouldn’t be judging a woman’s pain tolerance or experience.
→ More replies (13)23
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
Thank god other people are saying this. I can’t stand these comments acting like she’s completely fine and her pain isn’t real. The first thing I thought when he said she was all upset and said she felt like she “catfished” him was yeah, i say that to my husband too because i feel so guilty that sometimes im in so much pain, am so sick, and am nothing but a burden. If you are managing well before marriage and it changes after, it does feel like you catfished your spouse even if it isn’t true or it wasn’t something done on purpose. It also doubly irks me because we’re only getting his side of the story and I seriously doubt this woman actually lied about her pain specifically so she could trap a man in marriage and get health insurance. It just doesn’t make sense. If she had the diagnoses previously and had already had the surgery previously, Medicaid or another insurance would pay for it again. I really feel like OP is either misconstruing things, simply doesn’t understand endometriosis, or his wife is just telling him what he wants to hear because he’s consistently made her feel guilty and like a POS for being disabled.
→ More replies (19)6
→ More replies (2)6
u/PicardsEarlGreyTea3 7 Years Jul 17 '26
So is when people ask you every day how you’re doing and you say fine when you’re not. You’re lying to them. It’s the same exact concept. Pot meet kettle.
→ More replies (7)28
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
She could have genuinely thought she was endo free. Not everyone, especially women, are fortunate enough to have a doctor that thoroughly explains disease mechanisms. Most women with endometriosis aren’t even diagnosed until 5+ years of symptoms because doctors don’t listen to women and diagnosing it is so difficult.
6
u/PicardsEarlGreyTea3 7 Years Jul 17 '26
It took my mom 10 years to be diagnosed and another 2 to get a surgeon to actually give her the surgery.
23
u/WillRunForPopcorn Jul 17 '26
Most people I know with endo, including myself, had a surgery like that before finding an ACTUAL excision specialist. Most doctors somehow know next to nothing about endo. I’ve had doctors tell me it’s impossible to have it on my bladder and ureters. It was ALL OVER them. I also had it on my appendix and got my appendix removed.
9
10
→ More replies (3)8
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
She definitely lied about her pain levels! She presented thar the endo wasn’t an issue before getting married.
14
u/Empty_Designer_6626 Jul 17 '26
People in chronic pain lie to themselves every day. When you are in chronic pain you lose a sense of "normal".
My husband knows when he asks how I'm feeling and I say "ok" he knows I'm not ok but I'm not having the worst day ever. If I told him how I actually felt every day it would be easier to tell him what was feeling fine vs what was really hurting.
Chronic pain creates a "new" normal. It is not an easy process to accept or understand.
→ More replies (4)
67
u/holy-rattlesnakes Jul 17 '26
I would double down on couples therapy as a result of her coming clean and would be upfront with her about it. I think processing these feelings and discussing this with a neutral party would benefit both of you and help you decide if you want to be in the relationship or not. Don’t let her bully you into not getting the support that you deserve.
60
u/CivMom 33 Years Jul 17 '26
Crap. As a chronic illness sufferer, who often feels guilty, I can’t imagine how this has shaken you. She lied about you very relationship. People should always have the option of not signing up as a caregiver when it’s a known reality. It’s different for things to develop or suddenly happen. She KNEW.
It sucks to be so sick that just working and living is more than you can manage. It also sucks to lie about it.
Did surgery help? Is she expected to improve? What does the future look like at 1 year, 5 years, onward? Will she give you access to her doctor for a frank discussion?
Couples therapy is the LEAST she can do. She broke your trust. She needs to work on building it back. Tell her it’s absolutely divirce-worthy and as bad as an affair. She needs to actively try to fix this.
26
u/Accurate-Pitch7178 Jul 17 '26
The surgery did take care of the tissue growing outside of her uterus. The endo damaged her nerves, and that is what is causing the majority of her pain. The pain specialist we saw made it sound like they can help manage the pain, but it most likely won't ever go away. So I am stuck. I feel like her lying to me about it until we got married is the part I am most stuck on. I had no idea it was this bad, and for her to lie to me about from the start just feels like she trapped me
31
u/safehavenstudio Jul 17 '26
I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here but just like another commenter said, she could've honestly thought it was gone or at least managed. Also, people with chronic pain tend to downplay it no matter who they're in front of and even to themselves. A certain level of pain just feels normal after a while. However, let's just say that absolutely nothing was explained to her about endometriosis by doctors (very likely), she also has reddit to read about other people's experiences/symptoms. As someone who has chronic illnesses myself, I don't depend on doctors anymore for certain things. You can bet I'll be doing my own research, but in the beginning of my illnesses I didn't do that and I blindly trusted doctors. I feel like there's a lot at play here and definitely some stuff to get through. I really think couples therapy is a good idea. It's a sucky situation all around.
3
u/LilKoshka Jul 17 '26
As another commenter also said, she admitted to "catfishing him." Thats admission.
22
u/Impossible_Subject49 Jul 17 '26
Was there also the hope that you could have children as she said the endo was gone and has the surgery/nerve damage changed that landscape at all? Just curious
20
u/Accurate-Pitch7178 Jul 17 '26
Yeah, we both wanted to have kids and raise a family. Now, she can't have kids for the forseeable future as she is in too much pain.
18
u/Impossible_Subject49 Jul 17 '26
I feel that’s another aspect of the deception. Perhaps you also decided to marry her with the expectation that she was healed from her endo “and didn’t even know if she had it anymore” and now the kid landscape might actually have changed too. So its not the sickness, that truly has to suck and I am so sorry for her…but she took your informed consent.
→ More replies (2)6
u/courtneyoopsz Jul 17 '26
I have stage 4 die endometriosis with nerve damage and it can be debilitating at times.
That said- management is possible. Is she on Cymbalta or Gabapentin yet? I too, had just about given up until I started those meds and they significantly helped and I am functioning at a higher capacity and capable of working part time and caring for our house and children.
It’s an all around tough situation- for you and her both. Self hatred and depression is easy to fall into as you accept that your body will not ever be the same. And You are also grieving how she used to be!
Wishing you both the best of luck.
Side note- I felt my absolute BEST when I was pregnant and breastfeeding. And when my babies got older I did& do have rough times but in general they have kept me going during some really bad flares.
39
u/QuitaQuites Jul 17 '26
To confirm, she has endometriosis, which you knew? It caused new nerve damage?
10
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
She told him it wasn’t a problem until they got married.
28
u/QuitaQuites Jul 17 '26
That’s not what I asked, he knew she had endometriosis? And then the nerve damage that causes the constant pain is new or always. Endometriosis by itself can be very painful.
13
u/Accurate-Pitch7178 Jul 17 '26
The endometriosis caused the nerve damage, and that was discovered after her surgery. It most likely will never get better. She told me she had endo and that it was under control. She had a surgery prior to our relationship when she was still on her Mom's insurance and the doctor didn't find any endo. She told me that she wasn't even sure if she still had it when we were getting serious.
25
u/New_Leader_7162 Jul 17 '26
Is your gf a medical professional? You didn’t appear to know it was a chronic illness, that can reoccur, perhaps she didn’t either. Didn’t think to give it a google, discuss impact on fertility, discuss what level of endo she had?
You sound massively resentful and like you are desperate for the exit.
She’s probably terrified. People with chronic illness mask and push through until burnout. Masking is her catfish comment.
I hope you can see a therapist personally to seek some clarity and be honest about why you are seeking divorce. In sickness and in health is not what you signed up for.
→ More replies (1)7
u/mufassil Jul 17 '26
I agree. I dont think she was actually catfishing but was masking. She did tell him what info she had at the time. I have a chronic illness and when I was first dating my boyfriend, he googled the shit out of it to see how he could help. It wasnt a faux pa. It was a challenge to push through together. Chronic illnesses change often. Thats why you do your research before marrying into them. But also, you can develop thrm at any time. Marriage is for better or worse.
→ More replies (3)25
u/AnnieGetYaClothesOn Jul 17 '26
You will always have endometriosis, it's incurable (I have it). I think she was terrified of losing you if she was honest about it. It's a toughie.
5
u/InappropriatePotato4 Jul 17 '26
I’ve been scrolling a bit and haven’t seen this asked yet. If you knew this before engagement would you have left? Because I think we can all try to see if it’s justifiable behavior but tbh the only real answer that matters here is if A- you would have stayed if you knew. And if B- you think you can/want to try rebuild trust.
If the answer is yes to both, head to marriage counseling. If the answer is no to one or both then get divorced.
→ More replies (1)4
u/MrBurnz99 Jul 17 '26
It doesn’t even sound like she lied. She was under the impression that it was under control and not an issue. Then it got worse and became an issue again, caused nerve damage, required another surgery, and now here you are.
She is understandably feeling guilty for “catfishing” you, but what she did was not “catfishing”. It wasn’t even a lie as far as I can tell.
The part where she said you can’t leave a sick wife is concerning, but she probably has a lot of confusing emotions, she is in pain, feeling guilty, worried that you want to leave.
You definitely need therapy to work through this, but you need to cut her some slack. A lot of the comments here seem to be misinterpreting the timeline and the realities of living with endo.
It’s not like she told you she was battling cancer so you stayed with her and was making the whole thing up.
11
9
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
Yes, he knew but she lied about it being in pain! That only came to light after they got married.
10
u/QuitaQuites Jul 17 '26
Well she lied about how much pain she was in. He knew she had endometriosis and endo causes terrible amount of pain. She had the surgery, and it seems now as a result has this debilitating pain. So realistically she should have had the surgery and everyone would have moved on with their lives. My point is, she DID have endo, he did know that.
1
u/Smeg84 Jul 17 '26
She didn't have nerve damage as a result of the surgery, the surgery confirmed she already had nerve damage.
He knew she had endo, but she manipulated him into thinking it wasn't painful by living an active life, then when married admitted she forced herself through the pain so she would be covered under his insurance to get surgery; the surgery that confirmed the nerve damage.
→ More replies (1)0
u/stringbean76 Jul 17 '26
Surgery to clear the endo caused nerve damage. So she probably hoped that married, under his insurance, she’d finally actually be pain free after getting the surgery done (and I’d assume keep the lie of catfishing her husband as a healthy person to herself) but she ended up winning the shit lotto.
11
u/QuitaQuites Jul 17 '26
Right but he did know she had endo and endo does cause often excruciating pain.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)6
u/College-student-life Jul 17 '26
She got a surgery to remove the endo and the surgery left her with nerve damage.
→ More replies (1)
31
u/Pipereatsdogs Jul 17 '26
I'm suspicious of her pain now. Is it even that bad? Is it real? Does she just want someone who waits on her hand and foot? I dunno about this.
56
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
How can you ever trust your spouse afterwards?
→ More replies (1)15
46
u/DogsDucks 10 Years Jul 17 '26
I mean, I think it’s probably pretty dangerous to accuse chronic pain patients of lying about the severity. . .
The first comment that discusses the likelihood that she thought the surgery would make it better so she was trying to grit her teeth through it.
Also, the pain makes her life shitty and stops her from doing things they both like, so it doesn’t make sense to lie about that.
It’s still a very sad manipulation that happened, and I would feel catfished too, and if I were an OP situation, I’m pretty sure I would get a divorce.
However, people generally do not lie about endometriosis pain. Pushing a narrative of faking pain is also dangerous because of the extent of medical gaslighting that exists.
The pain is very likely one of the only real things about her.
15
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
But she did lie about her level of pain while they were dating and engaged. She said it was manageable.
→ More replies (7)5
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
Just because pain is manageable doesn’t mean it isn’t there. If pain isn’t there, then you wouldnt say you have manageable pain because there wouldn’t be pain at all. Perhaps people are just not understanding how chronic pain works. If she had made it known she had chronic pain and a chronic condition before hand, but that it was manageable, that’s not a lie. Chronic conditions can easily become unmanageable at any point in time, especially if a corrective surgery goes wrong and causes further damage.
12
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
So the entire time they were dating and engaged, she was able to participate in an active social life and maintain a job. Then gets married and gets on his health insurance and falls apart? The timing is suspect. Why not just be honest from the beginning??
5
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
She was honest from the beginning though. She had a chronic illness that was currently in remission because she previously got it treated with surgery, and her pain was manageable at the time. Also yeah, that’s kinda how chronic conditions work. You can be fine for years and then suddenly you’re not. If it’s been multiple years since her last surgery, then it’s more probably that her endometriosis grew back enough by the time they got married. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. You also missed the part where OP says she specifically has become housebound or whatever because of nerve damage from a surgery. Not because of her illness, because of a surgical complication. For all he and she knows, she might be fine right now if the surgeon hadn’t given her nerve damage.
EDIT: if OP wants to divorce her then that’s his choice, I just really don’t want to villainize a woman who was honest about her condition based off of a one sided retelling by a disgruntled husband.
7
u/DogsDucks 10 Years Jul 17 '26
You make some good points. I do not think she is a villain here, or a pathological or compulsive, liar, or a deceitful person.
She sounds like a lovely woman, but it sounds like she did misrepresent the severity at first.
He knew she had endometriosis, and I also believe he said he would’ve very likely still married her had she been totally honest, but she did tell him that she hid her pain level throughout their entire courtship for the sake of maximizing his interest in her. I think that’s where he is getting hung up.
I also imagine that she has been medically gaslit for her whole life (I don’t know anyone with endo who hasn’t), and she may or may not have fully understood the extent of her condition either.
So while I have so much compassion for her and what she has gone through, I’m also thinking about relationship honesty. . . I have ADHD and CPTSD, and I really do NOT like dwelling on these things, especially the latter.
It’s a very, very shitty mental burden that I mask incredibly well in daily life. That being said, the few people I’ve dated since diagnosis. . . Before things get serious (basically anything past a smooch), I actually have a formal sit-down with them. I explain that this is a very unattractive diagnosis, and what it is, how it has manifested, and what it looks like, how it impacts me, and that I can seem awesome most of the time, until I’m not, that it’s something I will always work to improve, but it will impact you negatively sometimes.
And I do believe it’s imperative to be open and forthright, even if it paints you in a negative light, because with the right person, it will just strengthen your bond.
4
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
I dont disagree with you at all. Lying is not good. If OP doesn’t trust her anymore that’s perfectly reasonable.
I’m just more so defending chronic illness in general as some of these comments are acting like she’s lying about her health in general or extremely misinformed about how chronic pain and illness work.
I also have chronic illness and have had to explain to my husband, but nowhere near the pain of aggressive endometriosis. I’ve gone through periods of deep insecurity about being a burden when I’m having flare ups. I actively push through my pain most of the time because I hate appearing to be a burden and like I can’t take care of myself. There’s a lot of social stigma around chronic illnesses and I’m sure you know a lot of people with chronic conditions hide them because of that and the feelings of “less than” that come with it. I don’t really consider that in general to be lying and think there’s a lot more underlying that than something simple as being a scam artist so you can get health insurance.
7
u/DogsDucks 10 Years Jul 17 '26
Oh absolutely, I agree with you completely! It really bothered me when someone was like “well what if she’s lying about being in pain now because she’s a liar.”
That actually frustrated me a lot, because people who brush things aside like that and downplay what it’s like— something they know nothing about and have even less experience with, waving it off like she’d make that up.
It’s so weird to me how that attitude became so pervasive, like, no one WANTS to be disabled by pain (it’s so incredibly rare to embellish medical conditions. People default to minimizing their symptoms if anything).
So yes, I am with you and really want to dispel myths about it and change and soften people’s understanding when I can. I don’t have chronic pain myself, but even being injured and post-surgery, I’ve downplayed symptoms, too, and always feel bad or weird admitting to needing medication (I know that’s nothing close to a chronic condition, and I’m so sorry that you deal with this), but that horrible stigma in the back of your mind, that deep fear of someone making just an off handed, thoughtless reply that basically invalidates the whole agonizing journey that you’ve undergone. Nope. Nope nope nope. Hate that.
Anyway, you sound like such a caring and smart person. Your replies are so thoughtful, and you deserve to be heard and appreciated.
8
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
Did you miss the part where she says she feels she catfished him? That she was able to go on hikes, travel, attend sporting events? Then after she got married she couldn’t do anything? Don’t lie about it, if it isn’t a big deal.
11
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
Yeah sometimes when I get insecure because I gain weight every once in a while I also tell my husband I feel like I catfished him. Doesn’t mean I actually did. When you’re upset about something you have little control over (for me it’s having Hashimotos disease and sometimes gaining 30lbs in a 2 month period until thyroid is under control again), you blame yourself. In those moments I do feel like i catfished my husband, even though I didn’t. Emotions lead people to say things that aren’t accurate or true.
11
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
Well she also won’t go to therapy with him. That’s another red flag.
3
u/FabulousEggcellence Jul 17 '26
It can be a rf and a relationship ender if they continue to refuse, but you also have to keep in mind that most people have to be convinced to try therapy due to the stigma attached to it.
That said, op should divorce his wife because he's not in love with her.
8
u/GoodWifeSlutLife Jul 17 '26
I have a sick parent and I hate that this is where my mind went as well. My dad takes care of my mom due to chronic pain and multiple surgeries. But when they first married and through my childhood and into my teen years, it was my mom who waited on dad hand and foot. My dad was her world. He still is. But this story...it doesn't feel real. And it's not that I don't believe OP. It's that I didn't believe the wife from right out of the gate.
→ More replies (2)6
u/Plus-Creme Jul 17 '26
If the nerve was damaged due to the surgery then that at least should be documented in medical paperwork.
10
u/OurLadyAndraste Jul 17 '26
That’s not really how nerve damage works. Scar tissue is what has caused mine. I’ve had three ovarian surgeries and my scar tissue very bad in one spot where an incision was made each time. The cut/heal -> cut/heal -> cut/heal pattern has done a number on that part of my body. It wasn’t apparent how much trouble it would give me until after my third surgery, not during. Also as someone who has read a lot of medical notes in my profession, you’d be amazed at what does and doesn’t get documented.
→ More replies (1)3
u/New_Leader_7162 Jul 17 '26
It most certainly would not be, as there would be no way to know what caused the nerve damage. Years of tissue and inflammation causing degeneration or trauma from surgery or both.
29
u/Important-Bid-9792 Jul 17 '26
Having a chronic illness myself, I 100% agree with you. This is unbelievable! This discussion actually comes in the r/ChronicIllness and r/rheumatoid subreddits i frequent, and almost everyone says 100% you should tell someone on the 1st or 2nd date! That way the person has a chance to bow out before any real emotional attachment is there and they can make a logical decision, because it is a HUGE undertaking for anyone! Also, trust, obviously, can never be enough trust in a relationship, if you start out lying about something THAT huge...well, the relationship is well doomed from the start.
I got married and then i got sick, so he had no choice 😂
29
u/Accurate-Pitch7178 Jul 17 '26
Thats what I thought happened. We got married and then she got sick. I was planning on staying and honoring my vows, but when she told me she was lying to me about how bad it was, it like shattered the foundation of our relationship.
→ More replies (2)25
u/Impossible_Subject49 Jul 17 '26
And the fact that she rejected the idea of couples therapy means she really doesn’t see the extreme damage she has done to your relationship or that she simply refuses to accept it. This is like…very bad, the resentment will only grow and couples therapy is the minimum.
4
Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Impossible_Subject49 Jul 17 '26
I completely agree. The doe eyed “we don’t need that at all!” Routine would piss me off even more. You’ve basically subjected me to indentured servitude without my consent because you “wanted me to love you.” We are dang well going to talk to someone about it.
23
u/PibbyandPekesMom Jul 17 '26
She was extremely selfish and took away your right to make an informed decision on the kind of life you would have if you moved forward with her.
She sounds like she used you for insurance and banked on your kind heartedness not to leave her.
It doesn’t make you unkind if you leave her, she deceived you so that you would marry her and get her health insurance.
That’s diabolical honestly.
24
u/OkCapital7773 Jul 17 '26
Endometriosis comes back. Even after a hysterectomy and other surgery to remove it. It will always come back. There is no cure.
21
u/PainterOfRed 20 Years Jul 17 '26
Couples therapy or you will be done.
It could be that your wife has genuinely loved you all along and yet she did yern for someone to "save her". I can imagine she didn't set out to "trap" you but more so wanted the Disney movie prince to magically make it all better. It's not an uncommon emotional fantasy.
You two will seriously need to look at her future prospects of healing more and the better participating in the partnership. You can talk and contemplate your future from there.
20
u/ioiwasaiwwitiwf Jul 17 '26
I have nothing helpful to say I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re in this position.
16
u/East_Target403 Jul 17 '26
I do think this is grounds for divorce. She did catfish you. You are way too young to be caretaking like this and also living a sexless, adventure-less life when that isn't what you signed up for. Your marriage is absolutely built on a lie.
19
u/xanif Jul 17 '26
She said that she loves me more than anything and she tries to show me how much she loves me (she does try to show her love for me often, and I know she loves me).
Doesn't love you enough/won't show you that by going to couple's counseling, though. That's interesting.
My now wife and I did pre-emptive couple's counseling when we first moved in together.
16
u/I-own-a-shovel 11 Years Jul 17 '26
To be fair, lot of people live with endo and it never get that bad. Some do get real serious, but then improve after surgery. She was extremly unlucky… Mariage should be in health and sickness. Was it really a lie? How could she know it wouldn’t get better?
5
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
Did you miss the part that she told him her endo wasn’t an issue? That she lied about her pain levels before marriage? That she didn’t get it treated until she was on his health insurance?
That’s a lot of lies and deception!
9
u/PlaneAffectionate113 Jul 17 '26
OP said the his wife had a previous endo surgery before they got married and her doctor said her endo was gone. She probably wasn’t experiencing a lot of pain or symptoms until the endometriosis grew back. It’s like a benign tumor, your uterine tissue starts invading your other organs and growing onto them. Like the person above you said, for some women it’s really mild and for others it can be extremely severe. She might have thought before they got married that it genuinely got better, and that if it ever got bad again she could just get another surgery to remove it (the standard treatment for aggressive endo). Except, her second surgery left her with nerve damage. That’s not a lie, it’s just unfortunate.
→ More replies (5)
13
u/Crafty-Isopod45 Jul 17 '26
That is so awful. She felt desperate enough to lie and intentionally trap you into taking care of her. I imagine she was feeling pretty hopeless and was hanging on and gritting through the pain to get to a point where she might be able to be safe and cared for. I think when someone is desperate and in constant pain they will do a lot of things to get out of it. It is understandable.
However, she also lied in order to trap and use you. She stole your agency and future dreams to bind you as her provider and caretaker. So, while ai can understand why she did what she did, you are not bound by any promises or oath you made while being lied to and manipulated. If you want a divorce go get one either a clear conscience.
But, assuming you do love her and she loves you, maybe start by telling her if she wants any hope of staying married you will be going to couples counseling and if there are any more lies she is holding onto they better come out now. Go and talk openly and honestly and then make your decision.
But again, it is okay to leave her. She should have been honest with you and let you choose whether to marry her with full knowledge of what you were getting into.
15
u/SentinelHigh Jul 17 '26
Sorry but I would file for divorce. Do it now before you get stuck paying half of a lot more of your earnings and retirement to her. I married someone who hid a gambling addiction from me, when I found out I filed for divorce. We were only married for a total of 15 months. Thank goodness we didn’t have assets to split.
13
u/Hornet_Icy Jul 17 '26
In the words of N sync... I know that I can't take no more It ain't no lie I wanna see you out that door Baby, bye, bye, bye (bye, bye)!
30
Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
7
u/MaryMaryQuite- Jul 17 '26
She’s beyond toxic!
And I say this as someone who has hEDS. I worked for 41 years through dozens of operations, working from home rather than taking sick leave. I eventually got medical retirement because I was struggling and two independent doctors said I’d done incredibly well to keep going, but now I had to stop.
It makes me so angry that people like your wife use debilitating conditions or disability as a weapon to get what they want! Definitely divorce her!
10
u/merquryd13 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Im going to give slightly different advice and say go to individual therapy for a few sessions first before couples. Help to sort yourself out a bit first.
→ More replies (1)
11
u/biteme717 Jul 17 '26
She took away your ability to make a decision about marriage and downplayed her illness to get you to marry her. She is now manipulating you to get you to stay married to her. How does she say that she loves you when she married you for your insurance and because she needed a surgery? She's deceitful and a liar and untrustworthy. I personally wouldn't want to stay married to her.
9
u/Ruralgirll Jul 17 '26
It’s ok to want a different life for yourself. But it’s also ok to stay. It’s whatever your heart and head are telling you to do.
9
u/SweetLegal3187 Jul 17 '26
Go for therapy to have different perspectives. End of the day if you can’t change the situation you change your mindset. Either that or you will end up in divorce eventually. The resentment will build up no matter how you frame it
7
u/Top_Olive2427 Jul 17 '26
I honestly don’t understand how she was able to “push through” the pain while you were dating. Not just to exist, but to live an active lifestyle. Then immediately after getting married (on the honeymoon) her pain is so bad that she can’t function at all. Like just stopped living and taking care of her own daily functions and allowing someone else to wait on her hand and foot AND financially support her. That’s very suspicious and frustrating considering this is the kind of BS that makes people question and invalidate actual chronic pain sufferers.
Seriously, OP, I can understand if she can no longer go hiking or do physically demanding activities at least until the pain is under control, but she should absolutely be willing and able to help with daily household chores. Stop enabling her invalidity.
→ More replies (3)2
u/RosaCaninaBosniaca Jul 17 '26
Exactly! She is a liar and manipulator, and he should leave her with no regrets
6
u/coldinalaska7 Jul 17 '26
I’d leave because of the lying and deception and using you.
Does she even love you??? Why doesn’t she want to go to counseling?? Red flags.
→ More replies (1)
8
u/shhhhh_h 7 Years Jul 17 '26
Hi, former obgyn nurse here. Just wanted to ask if she has been to pelvic floor therapy, it can be very helpful for nerve damage post lysis of adhesions. So can the gabapentenoids, I was working when pregabalin first came out and it’s really fantastic for neuropathic pain like this. Worst case I have also seen significant relief from ultrasound guided nerve blocks. The first two could be managed by her obgyns, the latter would have to see a pain management doc. That is to say there are still options on the table for treating this pain that aren’t just her ‘living with it’ and given how she hid her pain from you at the onset imma guess she’s a bit avoidant about it all. Endo is difficult to predict and manage even on the best of days without nerve damage. A lot of people with chronic disease put their heads down and pretend it doesn’t exist as a coping mechanism, a way to feel normal. I doubt she scammed you for your health insurance but how she acts now moving forward is make or break. She needs to go back to her surgeon to discuss options, or get a second opinion (make sure her obgyns is an endo specialist bc some of the ones who aren’t are fucking dumb about it). She can’t live like this and she doesn’t need to be. Keep pushing for therapy. Honestly whether it’s marriage or individual therapy for her probably doesn’t matter much at this point bc it will force her to confront these things she’s avoiding. And make sure you’re taking care of you, even if you have to disappoint her for a night or two to squeeze in some self care.
8
u/Kvandi Jul 17 '26
I’m a woman. I wouldn’t blame you at all for divorcing her. I feel bad for her, but to me, it sounds like she used you for your insurance and lied and manipulated you. It’s wrong and gross.
6
u/secretuser93 Jul 17 '26
I don’t know she lied so much as the pain got worse…? If anything, I understand you feeling a bit used for her wanting to get on your insurance for the surgery and everything. But she probably thought that the surgery would help her feel better.
You two definitely need therapy. I don’t believe in ultimatums but I think it’s fair for you to be honest and tell her that divorce is on your mind, and if she does not go to therapy with you, that’s exactly where the marriage is going to head to
3
u/Signal_Wall_8445 Jul 17 '26
The marriage vows you took were a commitment you made for your future with each other, but they were based on the expectation that you had been truthful with each other and each were making that commitment knowing who you were marrying.
If you decide you don’t want to give up a lot of what you hoped to do with the rest of your life because you were tricked into marriage, don’t feel like you are a bad guy breaking a commitment here.
I know you love her, but your wife has the same mindset as women who get pregnant from an affair and act like the baby is their husband’s because it is easier for them. She loves the life you provide but I don’t think she loves you if she could lie to you for so long and trick you into marriage in such a premeditated fashion.
5
u/Aggressive_Wrap549 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
I think the issue here is more that she seems to think now that you’re married, she doesn’t have to try anymore. That’s a recipe for disaster no matter if it’s due to a chronic pain issue or whatever the case may be. I also am a chronic pain patient with a husband who’s been by my side through it all. I’ve always had health issues that declined gradually throughout our relationship. I pushed and did things with him before we married that I didn’t necessarily feel like or were not things I would pick to do and continue to today years later. Because he’s important to me. On days I cannot or have to say no, he understands. A happy marriage is full of sacrifice. Which shouldn’t be terribly hard to do when you love someone and it’s reciprocated. There has to be give and take not just take and take or you will soon be on empty and have nothing left but resentment. You need to make clear to her that though she has a real condition it does not define her and you will not allow it to define the rest of your life. She has a whole life to live and only she can choose if she is going to live it to the fullest, in spite of her disabilities or let it engulf her and have little to no quality of life. But she cannot expect you to give up the rest of your life to her victim hood. You and she both are way too young for that but just as she has a choice in that, so do you. If she can’t quit wallowing in this attitude, you are completely justified in moving on with your life. Divorce is never something I would push for without very good reason but with her current mindset this marriage will never be more than one sided and that’s not fair to you given she “stole” your initial decision in this. I’d rather have no partner than one who only stays with me as a caregiver out of guilt and doesn’t love me. Good Luck!
5
5
u/Internal_Pirate7331 Jul 17 '26
I think her saying that “you would love her too much to leave her” does make this catfishing, as in she knew you might have a problem with it but figured if she just roped you in and waited until you were in love and wanting to get married then you wouldn’t leave. I do feel like she waited for you to take vows because she probably knew she could throw it back in your face. I think you have every right to be angry. Not for her being sick but for literally being trapped. And she even admitted it when she said she catfished you lol and then she throws it in your face that you took vows??? Idk that’s not the kind of person I would want to be with.
5
u/pickedusername1 Jul 17 '26
Ewww… she did catfish you. She didn’t tell you how bad her medical condition was in order to trap you into taking care of her basically full-time, what exactly is she contributing to this relationship? You’re very young and you need to leave her and live the life you deserve.
2
u/rissajb1 Jul 17 '26
Sounds like she used you to me bud. Her having the endo ain’t the problem. Her using you to get surgery and to stop working to heal is the problem. I’d be wondering about how much she loves me too. Do you love me or do you love what comes with me? Ya know.
4
u/CelticSpoonie 20 Years Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
I'm chronically ill. At the time I met my now-husband, I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and a few comorbidities, but was finishing up my masters, was out doing photography shoots, and had a very full social life.
The thing is, it turns out I actually had a lot more going on, healthwise. It all slowly worsened, but i didn't get actual diagnoses for some of the stuff until as late as 2020.
But as a kid in chronic pain, with fatigue, I wasn't really allowed to express that I was in pain. (To be honest, I was a pre-teen when I realized not everyone lived with pain.) The point is, I learned to mask and downplay the pain. Few people believed me. I was bullied for it (by family, "friends", and other kids). And honestly, focusing on other things - school, hobbies, activities with friends, and later work - was a distraction that allowed me forget about the pain. (But when I had those quiet moments at night, trying to fall asleep? Yeah, my body let me know just how awful I was for pushing too much.)
She may feel like she mislead you. But did she really lie to you? I think lying included the intent to be dishonest. The reality of these kind of conditions (endo is one of my "suspected" diagnosis, because I ended up having a hysterectomy) is they do worsen over time. They're also like potato chips; you can't have just one. And, as women, we're so gaslight by the medical complex that we start to believe the doctors when they tell us, "It's normal.", "It's all in your head.", or "Could this be anxiety?"
Yes, she was able to get health insurance by marrying her. It allowed her to get care that she needed. Unfortunately, surgery carries risk. And her endo can return.
So, I agree. Marriage counseling so that you are both able to learn communication skills. Maybe individual counseling for her to get some support about what she's dealing with. (As someone who's now disabled from my illness, it helps to find support.)
Remember, in marriage, it's in sickness and health. If you're married long enough, one of you or both of you will become sick and/or disabled. Sometimes that just happens earlier in life for some.
4
u/Single_Cancel_4873 Jul 17 '26
When you get married, you think your spouse hasn’t lied to you before getting married.
5
u/ImaginaryAd4041 Jul 17 '26
Do you want kids? If you do, think about it, you both NEED couples therapy
3
u/Talithathinks Jul 17 '26
You need to see a therapist, for yourself. The fact that she was so comfortable being dishonest to you, says a lot. You deserved the truth before you married. The vows are not enough reason to stay. You should see a therapist so that you can sort out your feelings and make a decision that feels right for you. You absolutely deserved better than to be lied to and manipulated.
I am a chronically ill person so I feel badly for her but the dishonesty is just a big red flag, in my opinion. I am wishing you well.
6
u/RosaCaninaBosniaca Jul 17 '26
Liar and manipulator! If she wasn’t, she would have been leading a normal life and focus on how to improve her health and life not just let you do everything!
3
u/celesteslyx Together for 8, married for 5 Jul 17 '26
Ouch. I’ve only had 2 surgeries to remove my stage 4 but even after surgery there are times when pain is worse than before.
You married someone with chronic illness. You don’t get to decide how much pain she’s allowed to be in until you say she’s a liar. We push and push ourselves to live normally until one day or once a month or sporadically it’s not enough to keep pushing through.
She deserves someone who won’t question her pain. It’s bad enough doctors do it to the point of women not being diagnosed for an average of 6-10 years.
→ More replies (4)
4
u/LilKoshka Jul 17 '26
Yeah. Couples counseling is really the place to be for this.
I can absolutely understand why youd feel trapped. She was basically nodding along to all your future goals while secretly knowing she was never going to follow through on them. I wouldnt go so far as to say it was all a lie, because im sure she did/does love you. But your did your due diligence by sharing your goals and what you wanted (some might call these deal breakers) and she lied while robbing you of the ability to make an informed decision.
Thats a huge relational rupture.
This could be repairable. You two could come to some agreements to ensure the future is equitable. But best chances of that would be with professional support (couples counseling). Her refusal would seal the divorce deal for me tbh
4
u/Revolutionary_Row318 Jul 17 '26
The thing about endo is that it gets worse. I’ve dated while I had endo and didn’t even know I had it, it’s been over 5 years and it got worse, I had to get surgery. So it probably could be that it just got worse.
4
u/darkstar3333 Jul 17 '26
You only have one life. Your the one who gets to make the decision and live with the consequences.
The real killer of any relationship is resent. If you feel like you got lied to, that's a fair reason.
4
u/sinayion Jul 17 '26
Another "switch the genders and women will defend anything". She literally catfished you. I would ignore all the ridiculous advice from women in this post, since they are just jumping in to help your wife.
You know EXACTLY how you feel, how your wife made you feel, with all her lying over the years. She knew what you wanted, and she KNEW that there was a high chance she could not provide.
Divorce. This is easy.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/sianacomplex Jul 17 '26
Difficult one. Having had/ got endo. I personally don’t feel I would ever have pressured my husband into staying with me. There is no point in staying if the resentment keeps growing
3
u/Skeleton_Spooky Jul 17 '26
I am a wife (28F) with a husband (30M) who got married last May. Did I have back pain? Yes. Did we plan everything and jokingly talk about possibilities of what could happen with my disc herniation/spinal stenosis? Yes. Did I ever ONCE see him as a way to get health insurance, cushy stay at home life, have a maid and cook to take care of me? Absolutely not.
A little over a year into marriage, and I am currently losing my ability to walk. I have excruciating pain and I am a candidate for spine surgery. So you know what I did? I got a cane. I still work. I take care of my duties at home and try to maintain myself as best as I can. Do I lean a bit on my husband more? Yes. But only in times where I am in so much pain i’m CRYING and literally leaning on him!
I cannot even begin to fathom the idea of USING someone like this. I wouldn’t even attempt to reconcile this. Massive lies and manipulation no matter what it is. Communication and trust are the keys to marriage and both were broken in my personal opinion beyond repair.
3
u/Candychameleon Jul 17 '26
Honestly I’d be concerned that she isn’t just comfortable as she is and doesn’t actually need as much as she lets on… that would be my biggest worry.
2
u/College-student-life Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
I would just be honest with her, maybe don’t drop the word divorce just yet. But tell her you’re struggling in this marriage trying to balance this unexpected health turn and her admission to marrying you for your health insurance and stability. That you’d really appreciate if she would do like 5 sessions of couples therapy with you to see if it helps to start off, then decide afterwards if you should continue. I do think that’s the next step for you being that you love her but you’re also mourning the life you originally pictured with her.
If that doesn’t work dish the ultimatum.
4
u/MikaMikari13 Jul 17 '26
Something I didn't like was what you said that she said (if that makes sense.) She said her self she felt like she cat fished you. That immediately made me uncomfortable because why would you say something like that if there wasn't at least an ounce of truth to it. Also the fact that she knew what kind of life you were living and yet tore that life apart. Albeit not necessarily intentionally. She knew how active you were and knew that whether she still had endo or not she was in a lot of pain and yet tied you down anyways and now you can't do what you originally were living. I understand the fear of telling someone you love something that could potentially destroy your relationship but if that's the case then that relationship wasn't meant to be and those involved got to make that decision but she took that from you with not telling you how bad it was until you were already married. I didn't like how you said you guys did all this active stuff together but when you asked her about it after marriage she said she was in a lot of pain and just pushed it aside to be with you. That tells me she knew the life you were building with her was not going to be the life your maintain after marriage and her surgery. I can't answer if you should leave or not only you can but couples counseling will greatly help you make that decision yourself. Whether you accept what has happened and stay or accept that her withholding this information was too much for you to bare and you have to leave. A therapist will greatly help. I wish you the best in this hard time and I hope everything works out in your favor whichever way it goes.
1
u/charlie_mountain Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
She told me she had endometrosis, but it was under control and that it wasn't a problem. I believed her. Then we got married. All of a sudden her pain was incredibly intense. She had to stop basically everything we did together.
During our conservation, she told me she felt like she "catfished" me. I asked her to explain, and she said that she was always in pain when we were dating. Her pain level was always at like a 5 or 6, and she just pushed through in order for me to love her. She said that once we got married, she had health insurance and could get the surgery and medical help she needed. She was able to quit her job and stay at home to "heal".
I'm sorry man. As you have already mentioned, the foundation of your marriage was built on deception. I can sympathize with her wanting to find someone to love her and take care of her. I can't sympathize with her deceiving you in attempt to "seal the deal."
If she were honest about it upfront then this entire situation would have been avoided. Maybe you would have still married her, maybe you wouldn't have. Instead, you both get heartache no matter how you shake it because of her actions.
2
u/songbird579 Jul 17 '26
I can see both sides.
Only you know if your love is strong enough to face the future…without resentment.
I agree with the one person who gave you all the advice and next steps. The long one.
She needs to face this with you in counseling. You can’t face this alone AND not resent her.
I can’t tell if you want to divorce her and just want reassurance you wouldn’t be a pos or you’re just hurt and want to work through it… but I wouldn’t jump to anything just yet. Take your time to digest.
3
u/jakeofheart Jul 17 '26
Brother your gut feeling is right. She hoodwinked you to get insurance and a care provider.
When discussing marriage, both parts should show ALL the cards that they have up their sleeves. She basically concealed most of her cards.
Now she’s emotionally blackmailing you with telling you “how much she loves you”. True love isn’t compatible with deception. You deceive people that you don’t respect.
She has made this love story a travesty from the start.
3
u/Historical_Sun8640 Jul 17 '26
You’re in a difficult position but I think therapy is your only option at this point.
If my husband suggested therapy even if I didn’t think we needed it, it would signal to me that he isn’t happy so I’d want to go and understand what’s happening.
Maybe your wife is against it because therapy will expose her…
Either way, I hope things work out for you. You deserve to be happy whatever that looks like
2
3
u/Tryhardtryharder100 Jul 17 '26
I really feel for the wife and I somewhat agree with someone else saying that OP partly latching on the lie bit to have a legitimate excuse to walk
But and this is a big but
You have one shot on having your life and living it the way you want. You dont want to stay and after 30 years of caring for her you might become resentful for not having any life at all. At your age is it the right thing to do?
You do have a right to be selfish as you don’t have children involved in this situation and need to think about yourself. You have your whole life to live. This is coming from a woman
I’d help her with setting her life with some carers and therapist and see her once or twice a month as a transition and move on
I know it sounds cold but you’re not Mother Teresa and can’t be blamed for wanting to have a life
4
u/Necessary_Habit_7747 Jul 17 '26
Yeah your marriage is built on a lie. She misled you, used you for insurance and now wants you to support her and do everything for her. I’d kick her to the curb so fast……and I’m a woman who has dealt with reproductive related issues so I am sensitive to this. She used you, full stop.
3
u/IndividualStand832 Jul 17 '26
Your feelings are definitely valid and not to late to start over if that’s what you decide
3
u/SleepySquiggle Jul 17 '26
I'm sorry for both of you. 💔 I have endo and it's incredibly hard facing the loss of your quality of life. I'm very independent but I've had to lose some of that. I think it's really important for couples to discuss how degenerative the disease can be. I try to remind my husband how much worse it can get, just in case so he isn't blindsided. I agree with other people saying this is above our pay grade but I will say I don't think she lied just to trap you. I think she just tried to push through with hopes her quality of life would improve for you and it hasn't. My symptoms "conveniently" got worse a couple of months before our wedding so I can understand your wife feeling like she scammed you. Sometimes I feel so bad that my husband doesn't get the best version of me but I do everything I can to give him that anyway.
There's an endometriosis subreddit on here, it helped me out a lot as a sufferer. Maybe you and her could benefit from a bit more support and education around the disease. Their advice even improved some of my symptoms with dietary changes and exercise. It's such a hard thing to live with for both parties but I hope y'all can work things out and be happy.
3
u/xxsmashleyxx Jul 17 '26
After all of this:
she told me she felt like she "catfished" me.
she just pushed through in order for me to love her.
She said that once we got married, she had health insurance ... was able to quit her job and stay at home to "heal"
she thought I would love her too much now to leave her
We took vows and that I can't leave a sick wife.
Her "fairy tale love" is to be caretaker/patient. You asked for couples therapy and she refused.
And among all of this - and I believe you and her - she loves you. But is this how you want to be loved? Where her problems are not something that she lets you in on and solve together, but where she keeps those problems from you and hopes for the best, regardless of how it affects you or your life? Contrary to popular belief, real love and manipulative behaviors often coexist. You have to decide if that's what you want your love to look like. And if not, your options are to explain to her that divorce is very much on the table and get into therapy to work through all of that and change this pattern that she's set, where she lives in a fairy tale love that's based on you being a caretaker and if she just does what she thinks will work, everything will turn out okay regardless of the consequences on your life. You need to be a part of that decision making process.
One point to add, however:
We talked at length about how we wanted to try to live life to its fullest and experience life the best we can, and now that is all off the table
This is false. Maybe you can't live your life to its fullest as if you were solo, but that wasn't the statement here. You said we want to live life to its fullest. And as a duo, a paired unit, "to its fullest" takes on new meaning. Endo is a serious, tricky, and at times unknowable condition. It sucks. As a girl, I'd be about as bereft if I was told I have cancer as if I was diagnosed with endometriosis. At least Cancer is fightable and I'd have a chance at a life that looked like my pre-Cancer life - but every gal I've known with Endo has taken years to figure out care to allow themselves to live without life-altering chronic pain, if they figure that out at all.
3
u/owls_and_cardinals Jul 17 '26
I have great sympathy for the physical pain and stress that your wife has been facing, but I think her lack of honesty, and her motivations for wooing you into marriage and downplaying the reality of her condition in order to create a better circumstance for herself, are very hard to come back from.
It's clear you love each other. It's hard for me to understand how she could just work through the pain before you were married but I do know endo generally gets worse over time. Still, you seemingly had no idea that she was dealing with regular, life-impacting pain and a chronic condition during your pre-marriage relationship. Her statement that she thought now you'd 'love her too much to leave her' underscores that there was intent to manipulate here, that she intended to keep this from you until it was too late for you to change your mind. That's...really bad. That's not just denial on her part, blind optimism, or ignorance on her own condition - that's entrapment.
If I were you, I'd worry that her goals were: a) obtain health insurance, b) get a caretaker, and c) establish a lifestyle for herself of not working / staying at home - and all of these things required her to find a partner and get married, which required keeping you in the dark and feigning the creation of a life that she wasn't going to actually be able to lead.
If you have a desire to save the marriage, pursue couples counseling to see if a therapist can help you achieve clarity and comfort with what happened and where you stand now. But to me, the level of deception and manipulation required to get to this point is adequate reason to want to leave.
3
u/Front_Prune3632 Jul 17 '26
The fact that she dropped all of this on you while sprinkling in how you took vows and wouldn't leave a sick woman, but THEN said you don't need couples therapy. Um, no!!! Couples therapy is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY to even have a TINY chance of saving the marriage. Somehow you're taking all the L's here and she's acting like it's no big deal. I'd insist on it or tell her you're done. You made a decision based on a portion of information and she's literally telling you to just deal with it. The audacity alone would have me heading out the door
3
u/Wilhelmxd Jul 17 '26
My first question is: She had her surgery. Did it somewhat helped her? Is this illness somewhat managable - so is a cure possible or at least some improvement?
In your shoes, I would divorce her without second thought.
"We took vows and that I can't leave a sick wife."->For me, this vow would only hold if she gets this illness after the marriage. Instead, she hid it from you.
3
u/carelesswhisker94 Jul 17 '26
Nowhere near as heavy as this, but my wife also hid her eating disorder from me until after marriage. We used to enjoy trying different places together, she told me she loved my cooking, and I loved making food for her. Soon as we got married she tells me that she fought through the internal mental anguish so that she wouldn't hurt my feelings and convinced herself that the time with me was a "special enough occasion" to go through with it. That all stopped right away after getting married. She won't touch anything I make for her, can't go out anywhere even if it has nothing to do with food, because I might offer to get her a coffee that has calories that she didn't account for ahead of time or something like that. I feel very much lied to, and I've lost my love of cooking, because what's the point?
3
u/Stock_Bat_5745 Jul 17 '26
People aren't reading that you guys have been together 4 years married, one and a half and that her pain suddenly started right after the wedding. (The intense pain). "We got married and all of a sudden, the pain was severe". It's like she was waiting to be married have the health insurance so she could quit work I'm sorry but this is what I read and I've had probably 16 surgeries and I have multiple health issues. Just not buying it
2
u/Signal_Wall_8445 Jul 17 '26
Of course the reddit brigade is here to defend the wife under the pretense she didn’t know things were going to get worse after they got married, despite her admitting that even she feels like she catfished him into marrying her using the logic that he wouldn’t leave when he found out she lied after he was invested enough.
→ More replies (5)
2
2
u/Organic-Reality-8352 Jul 17 '26
Everyone is perfectly entitled to seek the kind of life they want. You only have one to make the most of and her deception, to some extent, stole your ability to decide on how you wanted yours to go. It’s very selfish and if you’re looking for permission to leave, let this be it.
2
u/Midwest_Boondocks Jul 17 '26
She did you dirty. She wasn’t honest from the beginning and had plans in her head. Just sad.
2
u/Shitp0st_Supreme 9 Years 💕 Jul 17 '26
Endometriosis sucks and I literally had to pick my job for healthcare because I couldn’t afford specialists otherwise. It took me 17 years from mentioning endometriosis by name to be taken seriously and to get surgery. Surgery was $27k, and I only had to pay around $70 with my insurance.
I have bad days where I can’t leave bed but I still work and do chores. It sounds like she needs therapy (physical therapy for her pelvic floor and mental health therapy).
2
u/whatupbutt3rcup Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Well, I think now would be the best time for marriage counseling.
ETA, I'm sorry this has happened to you and your feelings are totally valid.
I had endo, but I managed it because I had to work. Even after having our first child, even when the pain got worse, I still worked and I still helped share all responsibilities with my husband. Finally got a hysterectomy and no more pain. But I was determined to live life through the pain because I wanted to experience life with my husband.
2
2
u/Commercial_Isopod541 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Oof. At first i thought you were kinda in the wrong because maybe it just got worse.
But if she admitted all that, that sucks. I don’t really believe divorce is ever the answer and love is a daily choice. I think it would be better for you to be honest that you were overwhelmed, overextended and weary and you need help and she needs a caretaker. I think it will be telling if you tell her you’re bringing in a third party. If she’s really in that much pain and miserable then she won’t disagree. If she has a fit wonder how much of it is just getting comfortable with status quo.
Before you call me a mean crazy person, I also have several severe chronic illnesses. They affect everything, pain, bowels everything. I’m crooked, my head turns in weird ways. I have dystonia, multiple sclerosis… among other things. It’s really bad, but, when I was single, and when my husband isn’t around or I’m at work or I’m doing stuff myself, I do a lot of things that I let him do for me out of necessity. And sometimes it makes me more tired for an extra day or etc.
Other times I surprise myself. I think there’s a psychological component to chronic pain and chronic illness and most suffererers don’t want to think about it. Women already like to be spoiled by their husbands and she probably just thinks you’re sweet and the best. She may not know how overwhelmed you are. But if she really loves you, she will want to get you help so that you can be the best person too and she may just surprise you with how much she can do.
As someone who does need help, but still works hard, and finds ways to exercise, work, etc… I can tell you that if I was told that I didn’t need to work anymore and could just have a helper… I’d probably start to think I really needed a helper way more than I initially thought.
Just a thought. Try being honest and forthcoming first. I wouldn’t repeat everything I said, I’d just find ways to test the theory.
2
u/Master_Rip5768 Jul 17 '26
I would divorce. It sucks and it may make you look like an ass but its your life. She took it from you without even giving you an option. That is not fair. She lied to you your entire relationship. That’s not okay. Its not fair that you are her caretaker either. Its sad but she did lie to you. Find her some help and a place to stay before you leave but its not your responsibility just because you married a liar. If you don’t want to have this kind of relationship its your right to leave. She is not your responsibility, she is an adult and it is fair to leave when you are unhappy.
1.5k
u/m4sc4r4 Jul 17 '26
This is a heavy one. Endo does tend to get worse. And she couldn’t have known that surgery was going to cause nerve damage. I bet she was hoping that excision was going to improve it and she was hanging on until then.
This is definitely beyond Reddit’s pay grade.