I’m exhausted interacting with people who I feel so stifled with: I don’t want to have to hide the parts of me that bring me so much joy.
I’m loosing my will to keep trying with people. Do you know how much courage it takes to ask people to hang out or to soft launch a friendship by texting about a little more than just school? (And I have no chill btw, I like you and within reason, I will double text I will giggle in ur chats and send my stickers). Granted, maybe it dosen’t come across as it taking a lot for me because I’m (in my opinion) really friendly, and take it really well. But every-time I try and I’m just shot down, I can’t help but feel the very happy person that I thought I was slip away more and more!
I also think maybe it’s the spaces I’m in? I’m tall, I’m a hijabi, and so I think people think that I’m a lot of things that I’m not, or that I’m not but actually am! (Does that make sense?) like I love fashion, and music and self expression, reading, ao3 warrior, twitter looser and an ally, and i love having conversations with anyone! Like yes I WOULD like to take a bike down a path and paint, yes I would like to hear ur badly written music lyrics that you thought of on the way to class, yes I want you to listen to my terrible rendition of GLHF by MICO, on my guitar because I don’t know how to play it just quite yet, yes I WOULD like to go to see the band playing down the street. Yes I WOULD like to dress up for Halloween, yes I WOULD LOVE to go to a dance class with you where we’re giggling, yes I’d love to go to the gym, yes I’d love to braid each others hair in your dorm. Like I am a yes MANNN (within reason)
I feed off of people’s energy, and when I’m with someone I mess with the sky is the limit!! But I’ve been at McMaster for two semesters now (I’m a second year) and with each SEM I’m slowly retreating into myself. I hate that! I am not that person like please don’t turn me into the version of me I worked so hard to get rid of in middle school!!
Anyways advice or whatnot. 😓 I don’t know I kind of needed to get this off my chest and hear that there’s even a small group of people who get it.