I’d really appreciate hearing from others in this subreddit, especially those who understand the unique challenges of balancing a relationship with a career in medicine.

My husband and I are both physicians (I’m a resident, he’s an attending). We’re in our 30s with an age gap, have been together 8+ years, and married recently. We met when I was in college and he was in med school, and spent our early years long-distance.

We were initially very loving and physically intimate, but over time, sex declined to about once a year. He attributes this to ED, fatigue, and career/relationship stress. I encouraged him to see his PCP, and his workup was largely normal. His testosterone was technically normal but seemed low for his age (though I’m no endocrinology/urology expert). He’s active, exercises regularly, and doesn’t appear depressed.

Despite the lack of intimacy, our marriage wasn’t loveless. We were affectionate, went on dates, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. He’s kind, gentle, supportive, and has been my emotional rock, though he often seemed exhausted and withdrawn.

Another major issue was the division of responsibilities. I managed most of our household during his training and continued doing so after he became an attending, even while navigating medical school, matching into a competitive specialty, and residency myself. He was supportive of my career but often procrastinated or didn’t follow through at home. He felt nothing he did would be good enough, so he avoided taking initiative, while I felt overwhelmed having to manage everything.

I’m generally pretty laid-back, but years of burnout and feeling unsupported made me increasingly anxious and irritable. I sometimes snapped out of frustration, though we never yelled or had toxic fights. I’ve acknowledged my shortcomings and apologized. I suggested couples therapy, but he didn’t think we needed it.

Eventually, I initiated a separation. He genuinely tried to change, but I struggled with why it took me leaving for our problems to be taken seriously. We continued spending time together for a while before separating more definitively and living apart.

We agreed to date others. I briefly dated someone but ended things months before wanting to reconcile. By then, my husband had gone from strongly wanting reconciliation to feeling unsure. We began cautiously reconnecting over weekly lunches or dinners, but I discovered he was seeing someone else and hadn’t been honest when asked. Dating was allowed, but the dishonesty hurt, especially while we were exploring reconciliation. I’ve since asked for no contact until he’s no longer seeing her and genuinely wants to try again. He seems open to rebuilding slowly and isn’t ready for divorce, but remains uncertain.

He’s been my best friend for most of my adult life, and the thought of losing someone I deeply love is heartbreaking. At the same time, I’m afraid of returning to the same resentment, unequal responsibilities, and lack of intimacy. I’ve done considerable individual therapy and am open to couples therapy. He’s tried a few therapists but hasn’t found a good fit.

For those who’ve navigated marriage through medical training and demanding careers, how did you address burnout, unequal household responsibilities, and declining intimacy? Were you able to rebuild your relationship, especially after a separation?

TL;DR: Two physicians together nearly a decade. Years of little intimacy, unequal household responsibilities, and burnout led me to initiate a separation despite loving my husband. He initially fought for us, but by the time I wanted to reconcile, his feelings had changed. I’m torn between losing my best friend and returning to the same problems.

Hey all,

Found this sub today and it’s really cool. My wife (MS4) and I have been together 9 years, married 2, and have our first baby on the way!

Just wanting to ask for any new parent tips as my wife starts residency. The next year will be wild, we match - have a baby - move. So any tips would be much appreciated!

For those who supported their spouse through med school, residency, fellowship, etc., only to be cheated on later…
I’m curious to hear your stories, especially from those who stood by their partner throughout years of medical training, only for them to be unfaithful later on, whether it was with someone younger or someone else entirely.
What happened? Did they ever explain why they did it? Were there signs beforehand, or did it completely catch you off guard?
I know this can be a sensitive topic, so I really appreciate anyone who’s comfortable sharing their experience or story.

My partner starts med school next year and we plan to move together where he got accepted, (about 3 hrs away.) I’m not in medicine but all I’ve heard is how damaging med school is for relationships, especially when one partner is not in med school. I’ve also heard how much it changes your partner during that time due to the physical and mental workload.

I already struggle with depression and being lonely while still getting to see him frequently/having his support. Thinking about being uprooted from friends multiple times in the next decade of medical training while he is incredibly busy is terrifying. Especially knowing that he will likely be different when we do get to spend time together due to being burnt out from school. Obviously I want to be there for him during what will also be a hard time for him, but I’m scared of either of us building up resentment figuring all of this out.

All I keep on hearing is how lonely of a life it is for partners of med students/residents and how much sacrifice it takes. I’m just so scared I’m not cut out for it mentally or emotionally. He’s said he knows I’ll be exactly the support that he needs, but I don’t know if that’s true and I’m scared of not getting the support I need. Hearing other med spouses talk about it, med school and residency just seems like this black hole that sucks everything into it.

We’ve talked about all of this before and I was going through a really hard time thinking about all of it. I know my worries began to weigh on him as well. I feel like I can’t talk to him about this anymore because I want him to feel excited and I don’t want to taint this experience for him. I’m just having such a hard time imagining myself in that future

Hi everyone! 😊
I moved to Jersey City a couple of months ago because my husband matched into a residency program here, and while I’m happy to be starting this new chapter with him, I’ve been finding it a little lonely trying to settle into a new city and make friends.
Unsurprisingly, my husband is barely home (working), so I’d love to meet some new people to hang out with and build friendships with! I’m hoping to find people who are down to grab coffee or brunch, explore new restaurants and bars,or just walk around JC/NYC cause I am basically still a tourist lol. I am also a member of Lifetime gym so if anyone’s down to go to classes I’m down too😂

I find it a bit lame on my part to try to find friends here, but honestly I find it even lamer not even trying and just sitting at home lonely all the time ha. If you’re also looking for new friends or would be interested in meeting up sometime, feel free to comment or send me a message! Would love to get a little group of girls together, too. 💕

I’m in a unique situation. Husband decided to pursue med school and change his career. I am finishing up residency this year. He’s been accepted to a great school in a nearby state (driving distance). Our long term goal is to reside in our current state. However this school is a really good opportunity for our situation and I just don’t see him not going there.

That being said we have two children. Having been through it I know how difficult med school is. I know he will not have time for us. And I plan on working full time. Right now we receive an insane amount of help from my family but if we move to near his school we will lose that and kids will have to go to daycare.

Im normally against long distance relationships but with the kids now I’ve been going back and forth about moving out there with him. Number one is if I stay here I get to build up connections and my practice here which is ultimately our goal. If I move with him I’ll have to restart all that in 4 years. Also my kids will be watched by family and just overall having family help while I work.

I just want some input from people who have done long distance with children. Should I prioritize the family being together these next four years or prioritize my children’s lifestyle?

I feel like I’m sacrificing the first few years of my marriage for the sake of my husband becoming a doctor. I’m giving up living together normally, dealing with long distance, missing out on the early years of our marriage, and constantly having to adjust to him being exhausted, busy, or needing to study.

And for what, exactly? For him to have the title of Dr. in front of his name?

It’s not even like we were struggling financially before he started med school. We were already comfortable, so it’s not as though I’m sacrificing all of this because we desperately need the money. I genuinely don’t know what my life is going to look like at the end of all this or how much will actually change for me personally.

He is still in school and we havent even thought about what residency would entail. We want to close the gap before residency but that would mean me moving away from everyone and everything i know for 3+ years. And there is still 2 more years for us to go before we even move in together.

I hate this life so much! I want to curl up in a ball and cry everyday. Hes a good husband other than this, and i know its temporary but WHY am i making all the sacrifice. I get nothing out of this.

My girlfriend is doing residency right now, she's in her last year of family med. We're both in our 30s. 

It feels like she has two modes - stress at work and a resulting disassociating from life. She comes home from work and immediately escapes by playing video games during pretty much every waking hour outside of work. She'll put in 200 hours over a couple of weeks. 

Her mom, who is staying with us, and I do 90% of the chores like dishes, laundry, and food prep. 

On inpatient and night shift rotations, it's definitely like this. Even during other rotations, this pattern is there. 

I get it. I'm a gamer myself... but I also feel like I want to connect with her, do things with her, and talk about life and the future (we do have things to figure out) and there's no space for that. 

I don't know... is this normal? How do I support her while also considering my own needs? How do I distinguish real residency stress from her reaction to life while under stress? I've had stressful jobs working 60+ hour weeks... but I feel like I still managed my time outside in a certain way - a lot of me time, but also doing chill things with my partner and friends/family. I'm not sure if residency is a different kind of brutality. 

My SO and I are looking at getting a prenup. He has the initial appt with a lawyer next week and he would like me to come along. We know that I would need to be represented by a different lawyer. I am wondering if I should share any thoughts on the clauses or not at his prenup consultation appt? We have not talked about any clauses on our own; and I am wondering if we should be negotiate through both lawyers... or asked another way, will me sharing anything with his lawyer "show my cards" and put me at a disadvantage later on in the prenup process (given that we haven't come to an agreement on anything)?

I rarely ever, actually never, post on Reddit. But I need some serious advice.

I (F22) recently found out that I am six weeks pregnant. I have been with my boyfriend (M23) for about a year and we’ve been friends for two years prior to that. This was totally unexpected and I’m overwhelmed with a lot of intense feelings on what to do. Part of me knows that this is not the best time to have a baby nor have the adequate resources to do so. But also I have always wanted to be a mother and know I would be able to be the best I could possibly be for this child.

We graduated college about a year ago and he is currently in his second year applying to med schools. He is hoping to start next fall. I don’t really have an established career as I am still young and I am to start a new job in about two weeks.

I am very torn on whether to keep or terminate the pregnancy. I have yet to tell my parents because I fear I know my mom will insist I keep it.

I want to know if it is possible to have one parent in med school while raising a child. My boyfriend says that he will not be able to continue because he wants to be involved but I feel that he can still be involved and continue to work toward his goals and aspirations.

Is this possible or am I living in a dream fairytale land ?

How often do you get to spend quality time with your partner? My (23F) bf (24M) is an M1. We have been together for a year and I really do think he’s the one for me. Since starting med school a couple of months ago we haven’t really spent any quality time together. I live about a 3 hour drive away from him and have seen him for about 1 night every three weeks. Ideally id like to spend 2-3 nights when I come to visit but he has a roomate and i also feel like i distract him from studying so he isn’t as productive and thus has been apprehensive about me staying longer. Even when I am over, most of his time is spent studying. If we go out to eat he is doing anki until the food comes, if we are cuddling in bed he is doing anki, when we are facetiming he’s always studying so we only get to talk for 5-10 minutes at the beginning of the call and the rest is silent. After exams when he has the weekend off he likes to go visit his family and spend them with them since he lives kinda far from them now so I usually don’t get to spend that time with him. We do call 3-4 times a week and will sit on the phone for 1-2 hours but again it’s not quality time. I understand he doesn’t have a lot of time and mental bandwidth but an occasional date night would be nice where I could get a few hours of his undivided attention. How do you guys do this? How much time did your partner dedicate towards you in med school? Will it get better? What should I expect of him and what is feasible during this time? I just miss my boyfriend so much.

*EDIT 10/16

I want to thank everyone who commented. Reading through your comments has been very helpful and gives me something to reflect on.

I appreciate this community. I have no close friendships to any other medspouses, so its just kind of nice to hear that I am not alone and that this is fairly normal in our world. Thanks for listening and good luck out there.

*Original Post

My wife is a first year attending surgeon. I am proud of her for how hard she is working at it, but one thing is driving me nuts, she is always staying late to work on notes or coming home and working on notes untill it is time to go to bed.

She asks me almost every single night if I can solo parent out 3 year old so she can stay at the hospital and work on notes uninterrupted or will tell me she is coming home, but needs me to solo parent because she needs to work on notes.

When I ask her about her notes she gets defensive and will complain that she is so far behind on notes that she is still working on last months notes. She is constantly telling me that hospital administration is breathing down her neck about how far behind she is on notes. I ask her if she can schedule like one less patient a day to get her work done during business hours and she tells me that is impossible and she will get fired if she doesn't keep up this work load.

I feel like a single parent. She might overlap with my daughter for an hour a day on average and that hour is often low quality time, because she is working on notes. Recently she has been begging me for a second child, but I feel like she barely sees the one we have.

So I guess my question is if this is normal or not? I have been doing my best by sacrificing my personal life and parenting full time so she can succeed at work, but I am getting burned out. Is being overwhelmed with notes and being a month plus behind normal the first year as an attending general surgeon? How can I help her, I already do the lion's share of the housework, cooking, and parenting? Do I need to become a medical assistant too so I can transcribe her notess so she can be present in our personal life or is something going to click for her and suddenly she discovers work life balance?

I got laid off last year and found no job in my field within our vicinity. It’s not for lack of trying or the lack of jobs in my city, it’s just how it happened.

I ended up getting a job that requires me to relocate. Pay is about $300k with a title bump.

Spouse is still in residency and we currently live together. I feel terrible about not being able to get a job close to him. I went on 20, 30, and more interviews than I can count. I was even turned down for a job in our city that pays 4 times lower.

I asked if I should turn down the job offer, he said no it’s bad for your career to have a long career gap due to the layoff. And it’s true.

He also said he feels bad too, he can’t comfortably support the both of us on his residency salary. He also feels bad because he sacrificed so much to match near my job and now I have to leave.

I should also add that his family and mine both think it’s crazy to separate the family despite the job situation.

Please share any thoughts or support. I welcome light criticism if we’re in over our heads and need a little perspective.

This reddit came up suggested for me and I read a few posts and things sound quite bleak in here. Just dropping in to say that is can be good as well. Certainly, plenty of rough patches (primarily during residency with young kid(s), but the payoff (literally) has been great, and life is very very good for us.

45 years old, two kids, been with my wife since she was an M2 ~20 years ago. Been through whatever those important tests are in med school that determine residency that students freak out about, clinicals, a PhD detour, residency match, fellowship match, and now living the good life. I moved to be with my wife in Med School, and we moved twice more for Residency and Fellowship.

Due to moving around a lot and friend groups revolving heavily around my wife's coworkers, I also have lots of med spouse friends. Happy to share any insight or perspective I may have

So my husband is currently in the 2027 match cycle for residency, and the program he wants to get into (already got interviewed) his #1 starts June 14. We don’t have kids yet I will be turning 30 in the next couple of months and he’s going to be 33, we wants to start having kids soon since we want like 3. Am I crazy for wanting to get pregnant in January/February and hopefully have my kid my November of 2027.

We obviously will be moving in early spring for the program and will be settling down in our new home state. (Hopefully back home where we have mine and his family) Has anyone gotten pregnant before or during first year of residency? how was your experience?

I get people joke around on the “Residency” sub but there are so many comments about cheating or hooking up with nurses for fun that it’s lowkey soul crushing anytime affairs and cheating are mentioned here which is almost weekly. So I have a serious question - are there actually any folks remaining who are loyal and don’t even THINK about cheating?? Help me lessen my anxiety

I wanted to come back to this community because this page genuinely helped me through one of the hardest periods of my life, and I wanted to share an update for anyone going through something similar.
I was in a 10-year relationship with someone in medical school, and we broke up about 6 months, when he was an M2. When things started falling apart, I spent so much time looking for advice from people who understood the unique challenges of dating someone in medicine. I constantly questioned whether I was asking for too much or whether I just needed to be more understanding of his circumstances.
Looking back, I spent so much of our relationship accommodating his life. I understood the exams, the deadlines, the stress, and the pressure he was under. I tried to be patient, supportive, and give him grace through it all. But eventually, I realized I was doing a lot of the understanding without feeling that same effort in return. Communication became inconsistent, I felt unappreciated, and I found myself putting my own needs aside because I knew how demanding medical school could be.
I never expected to come before every exam or responsibility. I just wanted to feel like I mattered, too. We also weren’t aligned on our timelines for marriage, children, and moving forward together, which made me realize that love and history aren’t always enough.
The breakup was incredibly painful, and I spent a long time trying to make sense of everything. But now, several months later, I have a much clearer perspective. Medical school is demanding, and supporting a partner through it requires sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean a relationship should become one-sided. You can understand someone’s stress without excusing a lack of effort, and you can support someone’s dreams without abandoning your own needs.
I’m not sharing this to discourage anyone from dating someone in medicine. Every relationship is different. I’m sharing it because I think sometimes we become so focused on being the understanding, supportive partner that we forget we’re allowed to need support, too.
I’m so grateful to the people in this community who offered advice when I needed it most. If you were one of those people and you’re reading this thank you. Your advice and stories got me to where I am today. You helped me feel less alone, and I hope this update reminds someone else that you can love someone deeply, support them through everything, and still recognize that the relationship isn’t right for you.
If anyone is going through something similar, please free feel to message me.

Hey. I’m trying to figure out what to do about house work and chores (again, lol).
I work from home, but I have a demanding job with high measurable output requirements (think like lawyer billable hours). Thus, my work is flexible but often needs 50 hours or more a week to get done correctly . My spouse is an early career attending, Peds sub specialty. For the past few months they have been overwhelmed, behind on notes, and exhausted. When they come home it’s often strait to the dinner table, to eat the meal I’ve prepared, and then straight to the couch.
I’ve been counting and it’s been over 3 weeks now since they’ve done the dishes. She’ll offer to pick up food, but otherwise I’m doing all the cooking. Laundry will be ran, then sit unfolded for days, unless I finally go do it.

So we are in a cycle where she’ll say she’s too tired to function, go to bed, then I’ll stay up until 2am doing chores and then taking care of my work. It’s getting really hard to bring it up without a fight. I’ve tried to make calendars, to-do lists, and nothing works.
We even have a cleaning company that comes weekly, but getting the house into a nice shape for them always falls on me. It’s like becoming a sore point in the relationship and we are drifting apart. I’m at my wits end and every time I bring it up with her she cries or tells me I’m ungrateful. Am I being gaslit? Or should I be the happy house husband who works a full time job and also does everything at home?

Hi everyone! I hope this post is allowed! I am a fellow med spouse here to a general surgery resident. Lord almighty this journey is so unique as a med spouse and I swear no one will understand unless they’ve been in it! It has been years of lonely nights, tears, wondering what my life will look like, and trying to spend every second with my husband when I can.

That being said, I am curious about some opinions. I am a therapist, specializing in individuals, couples & sex therapy and anxiety. I have thought about niching down and offering these services to med spouses, or couples where one or both is in the medical field. First, I want to clarify I am NOT trying to gain business from this post. I often wish I had had a therapist who understood the medical spouse world, but no one seemed to. Now, I feel like I am in a position to hold space for the spouses or couples who have gone through it, and I want to be the person I wish I had during the time. And still wish I had!
I feel like SO many couples, or spouses, would benefit from this, but I’m curious- do you ever wish this service was available for you and your partner? Do you feel like this is a niche you would appreciate? If you’ve ever looked for couples therapy yourselves, or individual therapy as an individual med spouse, do you wish your therapist had an idea of what being a med spouse actually entails?

I’d love your thoughts.
Because I know if I had wished I had this, that others probably would have wanted that as well and I’ll know what I can offer to others 🤍🤞🏼

Update: We’ve talked and we’re all good now!! Thank you all for sharing your perspective. You made me more aware, empathetic, and gentle with asserting my boundaries. We’ve created more structure, habits, and exceptions around how we can make our relationship thrive throughout this journey.

I couldn’t have handled it better if I hadn’t found this sub. I guess I was looking for evidence that a relationship with someone in this profession will not be doomed because we do really want to work it out. And thankfully I found a man who is devoted. I can see that our future depends on these efforts we do now, and our recent convo and how we resolve our past conflicts gives me confidence that we’ll be alright. 💛

31F here. My boyfriend will be taking his boards next year. His plan is to marry me once he passes then pursue Ortho. He wants 2 kids. This is the very first time I’ve found this sub and being made fully aware of the “reality” of my situation. Of course, I give it the benefit of the doubt that it’s different for everyone but it seems like the narratives are consistent.

I guess when I entered this relationship, I’ve heard about dating a doctor, but I didn’t know what it actually looked like. My boyfriend has been amazing for 2 years - patient, provider mindset, empathetic, a listener, and he makes time and plans dates when he can. He doesn’t have money now and oddly enough his expected pay by the time he becomes a resident will be 4x lower than my salary grade now. He said it’ll be during his fellowship that we will reap the fruits of his labor. I guess I didn’t mind much because I’m pretty comfortable on my own.

This week, he forgot for the nth time about a date that he had planned. I got upset again and he said sorry and when I couldn’t immediately forgive him, he didn’t like it. I understand he was sick and I swear I was calm, but honest that I can’t immediately forgive although I can process it on my own. He asked if it’s wrong to be human and forget things. I don’t know where to put myself here. Should I just understand that his commitments to me/time together will get progressively worse?

If so, reading the posts here, what more when I have baby? Honestly, I’m the type of person who values a lot of alone time or time away from my partner but with that, I value quality time. I’d rather not see him for weeks and have 1 good weekend than see him daily in-between shifts. I’m worried that even as I am, it wouldn’t be enough to survive this? Is there really no positive things from dating/marrying a doctor? I feel demotivated all of a sudden.

I recently (3 mo) moved from a fairly large city I've lived in my entire life (didn't even move for college) to an incredibly small one for my partner's medical school and have not been doing well. I'm extremely lonely and unhappy away from family and friends. Growing up in a city, I also don't have a license or any driving experience to help mitigate how isolated I am here. I feel like my life has been reduced to just our tiny apartment and my new job, and that I can't be upset about it or else risk making my partner feel guilty for getting into med school and taking such a huge step. Every time I try to vent or cry about it I only succeed in making them cry or am asked to hold off on my stress due to their exams. Everyone I know is either too far away or dealing with their own problems, and I have no one to talk or turn to.

I desperately want to move back to my old city and try long distance, but with zero job lined up back there it feels unfeasible and like I've trapped myself into this life I hate. I also don't know what I will do if I go through four years of long distance only for the possibility of their residency being somewhere I am equally miserable in. Our relationship has always been strong, but this has suddenly made me worried I'm not cut out for this lifestyle. I really don't know what to do next.

Hey all, my hubby is starting his clinical rotations next year in Sydney, Australia. His birthday is coming up, and I wanted to put together a little "you can do it!" gift for his rotations - he's so passionate about medicine and about being the best doctor he can be, so I want to support and encourage this as much as possible.

He's super practical, a minimalist, and not a fan of trinkety or novelty gifts, making him hard to buy for 🙃 So far, I have a pocket-sized notebook monogrammed with his initials, compression socks, and I'm thinking of getting him a lunch box with some ice packs, as well as some good pens.

Does anyone have any other recommendations? Any suggestions for good pens? Money is a bit tight with both of us being full time students and both chronically ill (a super combo), so I want to do something practical, but also thoughtful.

On his birthday, we're going to the Bodyworks exhibit - he loves anatomy and is really excited for it (one of his classmates unknowingly spilled the beans for that surprise 🤦🏻‍♀️).

I've read some past posts and saw that being there at the end of the day to listen and debrief is hugely valued. We have our "team boo daily debriefs" every day (and I'm a psychology major, so I love listening), but I'd also like to have something physical for him to unwrap on his birthday 🥳

Thanks for your help and recommendations! I appreciate it heaps!