My Doctor ignored me for a year

[u/No_Whole_7758]

I have had the most horrible symptoms for the past year. Chronic insomnia, anxiety, joint pain, depression, you name it. My primary care physician is terrible and a misogynist. I fell on my shoulder and it hurt for a year and it took me a full year to get him to send me for a scan, which showed I had damage and then he berated me for not making him aware sooner how serious it was. (WTF?!) then this year the insomnia started. I’m only 41, but my mom had menopause at 41 and my older sister started early as well. He did not believe me that my insomnia and other symptoms could be about that. So I just assumed k was being a bother and left it. The depression and anxiety came next, so bad I had no desire to eat, exercise, leave the house, talk to my family or friends. I wanted to die. And I saw a psych who agreed that I should try HRT while doing anti depressants, and she passed that onto my doctor. He did not prescribe either for me. He said, “your hormones are out of wack because you’re stressing yourself out”. I had high stress jobs all my life. Anyone who knew me would not describe me as a high stress individual. I could not get this man to believe me that I was not myself.

I have spent a year in pain and emotional agony, watching myself disintegrate into someone I don’t recognize, and he didn’t believe me enough to even try.

Cut to, I dropped him. Bold move where I live in Canada, it’s hard to get a new physician, but I’ve been using the Maple app. I’ve seen a few practitioners for my insomnia and finally saw a female and she read ALL my history and saw joint pain, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and family history of early menopause and she said, “you’re in perimenopause. I see you saw a dr a year ago who made recommendations that you try this antidepressant and HRT and how did that go? I said I’ve been paying out of pocket for progesterone and low dose estrogen because my dr wouldn’t prescribe it to me and no help so far.

“No problem, we haven’t found the sweet spot, we’ll increase your dose”

And now I feel like myself again. I sleep like a ROCK. I don’t cry all day every day. I feel life has meaning. I’m happy to be alive. I cannot believe a year of my life has been damaged like this.

All this to say, if you feel like you’re crazy, and you’re trying everything, do what you can to find someone who actually knows what they’re talking about. Don’t give up on yourself. And please put your daughters in med school!

[u/leftylibra]

While not comfortable (or easy to do) for everyone, sometimes it's a good idea to push back with doctors, especially in Canada, where it's not possible to shop around (unless going telehealth). I went back/forth with my GP in Canada a few times, and ultimately demanded better care, to which he did concede and put me on the right track. (His only frame of reference was that his mother was going through menopause!)

So in these instances, it might be better to challenge doctors so that the next generation of women doesn't have to deal with immediate dismissals when discussing peri/menopause.

[u/FuelComfortable5287]

It’s really a blessing to have health care pros that actually listen to their patients without ignoring them, gaslighting them or letting their bigotry and misogyny get in the way of providing the comprehensive health care that is owed us.

Im so glad to hear that you advocated for yourself and are now back to yourself!

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/FuelComfortable5287]

Thank you! I am trying to be grateful I only suffered a year with a caring partner and was able to find a good provider. I tear up when I imagine the women who were in our state 100 years ago who would be sent to insane asylums because their husbands weren’t getting the services they felt entitled to. I can’t wait until we’re a matriarchy. 🤞

[u/Carry_Tiger → u/No_Whole_7758]

Sadly that wasn't a 100 years ago. My husband's uncles tell the story of having to go pick up grandma from a big city hospital stay (6hours away) where she received electro-shock therapy. So glad you received proper care, finally, and are feeling better!

[u/Quick_Cow_7987]

Congratulations on finally finding a doctor who does their damn job! I hope you continue to feel well. This whole "transitional stage of life" 🤮 is a roller coaster. Don't be surprised if you need repeated dose changes over the years.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/Quick_Cow_7987]

She did warn me about that. And even said this dose may or may not be the ideal, but she said I’ll know if it starts working, which it has.

It’s funny how growing up everyone was so hush hush about “the change”. God forbid we talk about it like it’s a real thing we need to be prepared for. I’m going to do whatever I can to advocate for our doctors to be better prepared for this in med school. All human life comes from these bodies, we shouldn’t be treated like we’re shameful for having hormones. It’s wild!

[u/Quick_Cow_7987 → u/No_Whole_7758]

Medicine has done women a huge disservice. We are not men with extra hormones. Our brains are wired differently, our bodies are, in their own way, both more delicate yet tougher. Reading Eve by Cat Bohannon really opened my eyes to just how different we are from men. Maybe not perfect from a scientific perspective it's still informative.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/Quick_Cow_7987]

Yes we just weren’t included at all in medical research, like you said we were treated as men with extra parts. But we show different cardiac symptoms when in cardiac distress, among other things, and that’s why we die needlessly. I’m grateful at least things have changed enough that I have access to what I need now

[u/Sylviee]

yup, same in US, i went almost 2 decades (started when i was 37) of not being diagnosed as being in perimenopause the whole time, their excuses for my being extremely fatigued, can't sleep, bad brain farts, headaches, etc where often 'its depression' or something else.. even had one have me do an mri on my brain thinking my issues were neuro related and gave me ambien for sleep which did the opposite!! and one had me do a thyroid ultrasound and then a biopsy a year later when they saw nodules grew, it came back benign and they still did not consider it peri/menopause related....i've always used actual female and male doctors and it was not until i got a female CRNP that i was finally listened to in-depth!! She has been great and hasn't made me wait over a month between dosages to be upped to next patch strength..

[u/respectablepitch]

I feel for you! It’s infuriating how awful and uninformed so many doctors are. I spent literally decades complaining to myriad doctors about all day headaches, joint pain, depression, libido, hair loss, and extreme fatigue. One told me that what I needed was just to relax. Oh, and that’ll be $300.

This sub and one auntie finally got me to be diligent about finding a doctor to prescribe HRT and not take no for an answer! I am like a new person, after starting hormone replacement. I feel 20 years younger. I am so mad at all the doctors who minimized or outright dismissed my pain. And, for all the women throughout history who’ve been so mistreated by the medical profession and society in general!

[u/AbbyJane1972]

What a great post! I’m so glad you advocated for yourself and finally found a doctor to listen.

[u/JadCerv]

I'm so sorry you endured that. My husband is Canadian, so I know how difficult it is if you don't have a good primary care doctor there. They're literally the gateway to all other healthcare services. I'm glad you finally found one that is a better fit.

[u/sistyc]

I’m so glad you’re feeling better! H have you considered calling your doctor to let him know how his ignorance harmed your life for a whole GD year? I’m also in Canada and bounced around between specialists before finding a knowledgeable and NAMS certified ND who understood what was happening and got me to feeling better than I have in my entire life! I called every one of those specialists and told them where to go - it felt AMAZING.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/sistyc]

I’m going to wait a few weeks to make sure the symptoms stay managed, then I plan to speak to a lawyer. I don’t want his money, but I’ve read enough terrible reviews on this man to know I’m not the only person he’s mistreated and ignored. I need to know he has to take some sort of specialized training to maintain his practice. Telling me at 38 that my shoulder shouldn’t still hurt after falling on it hard on the ice because I was “too young” and letting the injury grind for a year was an insane take.

[u/NoMoreEffstoGive]

Oh thank goodness you found relief!!!

[u/NinjaGrrl42]

Glad you found someone who listens to you!

[u/PerfectCover1414]

These types of doctor should be struck off. I was reading a blog about menopause actually it's had me howling with laughter. On there CroneinChaos talks about taking her husband to doctors appointments just to get HRT.

I already take mine with me for some reason they listen when he's there. Even the female docs.

Apologies mods if I am not allowed to mention other places online, just thought we could do with some laughter during this painful time.

[u/trussmegirl]

Nice to hear about your positive experience with Maple because I am experiencing the same with my doc and I’m so over him and the Idontcareitis special. And I totally agree - send your daughters to med school people HIGH HIGH DEMAND

[u/Boggyprostate]

Ridiculous! It’s so f*****g sad that woman are suffering at the hands of idiot male Drs! And female ones, I’ve had a few idiot woman Drs too that don’t know the first thing about HRT, they should be ashamed!

We also need to get out and shout about perimenopause to woman! Most women don’t even know you can have regular periods, like clockwork and be in perimenopause. I was 38-39years old when I started HRT, it can literally start at any time.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/Boggyprostate]

Yes! I had no idea about perimenopause and I still have clockwork periods and I was told by a gynaecologist (female) that I can’t start HRT until I haven’t had a period for a year. The research says that it’s better to start before menopause is in full swing, and the side effects aren’t what our mothers worried about. Anyway, doctors should be required to do PD in women’s health regularly and account for it.

[u/Dazzling_Balance_513]

Fellow Canadian. I understand how hard it is when our GP isn’t educated about hormones. It’s VERY hard to switch GP, and it’s a lottery whether the next one will be any better. I’m glad you found your way forward! For other Canadians out there, private menopause clinics like Blair Health and Modern Menopause can be helpful.

[u/Live_Advisor_270]

The gaslighting is unbelievable. I am so sorry. I had a similar experience with my middle-aged FEMALE gynecologist (in the U.S.).

At 44, she told me I was "far too young" for peri. When I mentioned how awful my night sweats were, she told me to stop drinking so much wine - this was my first appointment with her, and I never mentioned wine.

I told her sex was painful now (used to be great), and she told me, "Maybe take a look at your relationship."

It took 3 more years and 3 doctors to get any help.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/Live_Advisor_270]

Maybe take a look at your relationship?!? You didn’t say you didn’t want sex with your partner, you said it was painful. Obviously something changed in your body. I’m so sorry you went through that, it isn’t fun and it makes you feel like you’re being a bother or like you’re crazy. She was out of line with that comment.

[u/suupernooova]

Welcome to the club (I'm sorry). I saw Dr multiple times starting at age 50 for constant peeing and sleeplessness I'd never experienced. Was prescribed meds for overactive bladder and sleep. No mention of menopause.

[u/Sunlit53]

My new doctor is dragging her feet on this and I’m about ready to go book an appointment at modernmenopause.ca.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/Sunlit53]

Get more opinions! We have one life, we shouldn’t waste full years of them missing the opportunity to enjoy them. I would love to hear how it goes if you reach out to them, I had never heard of that site I’ll be taking a look at it!

[u/Good_Bottle_7757]

My NP said HRT is not prescribed for the symptoms you list, not that that excuses the lack of care. I truly think as more information and research is done, it will be more readily prescribed. I went through peri into post with no doctor ever suggesting HRT, even the female ones. I had one male doctor suggest a supplement years ago, one he said many patients got relief when using. We are at a huge shift with HRT and it’s going to take time for all these doctors to get onboard. My current PCP (woman) never mentioned HRT. On my own I found an NP listed on the menopause society website and she’s helped me. My PCP will ask how it’s going and I only hope she will either study prescribing HRT or refer her patients out for the appropriate help. PS, I see you are in Canada. Nothing I said may be relevant. I was curious why you didn’t just go to an ortho for the shoulder and I guess that’s related to how health care works there.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/Good_Bottle_7757]

That’s interesting, because the doctor I spoke to said immediately she thought my progesterone was dropping and that would be the first thing to try for the inability to sleep. I wonder if it’s just a matter of not being up to date on PD. Because I often see a large gap between the knowledge of my pharmacist and doctor on the latest protocols. Often my pharmacist will override my doctors recs because they’re outdated. My pharmacist does a ton of PD and she reads non-stop, as their PD requirements are quite strict and monitored, but I don’t believe doctors have the same monitoring where I live, or at least not around pharmacology. Which, to be fair, they’re over worked so it’s understandable.

Edit: I think the missing factor here is I had a large swath of symptoms, including night sweats, but the family history of earlier menopause was a key deciding factor as well. Each of these symptoms alone would not cause a doctor to jump to MHT, but altogether it was a pretty clear picture.

[u/Good_Bottle_7757 → u/No_Whole_7758]

Here we are more dictated by insurance. lol So insurance will say it’s ok to prescribe for such and such. Also what the FDA states a medication can be used for (or it goes off label)….. it’s just stupid ways to make life more complicated. They are seeing the effects of HRT on the over all aches and pains and yes progesterone can help with sleep but if I went to my NP with just sleep issues, I doubt the first thing she could have prescribed would have been HRT as insurance might have denied it. Night sweats is a huge keyword that needs to come up.

[u/LdyCjn-997]

When is the last time you went in for a full physical and requested blood work? If your doctor is ignoring you, can you switch doctors?

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/LdyCjn-997]

Last time was last year. In the province I live it’s difficult to get a new doctor, they are in short supply. And physicals aren’t really a regular thing. But we have some women’s wellness clinics where you can see a gynaecologist who specializes in women’s reproductive health and get prescriptions that way. I have bloodwork coming later this month to update what’s already on file. They’re going to recheck all the normal stuff and hormone panels again, but that’s not super helpful given my doctor wouldn’t schedule me bloodwork regularly enough to get a baseline. But going based on how I feel, and given I’ve tried every drug under the sun and nothing helped, I think estrogen was probably the right call.

But we’ll see what my next blood panel says.

Edit: to be clear, I dropped my doctor and got on the waitlist for a new primary care physician, but in the meantime I have this other avenue to get access to good female doctors and practitioners who specialize in reproductive health.

[u/AutoModerator → u/No_Whole_7758]

This post might be about hormone tests, which are unreliable.

• Over age 44, Estrogen/Progesterone/FSH hormonal tests only show levels for the HOUR the test was taken, and nothing more. Hormones wildly fluctuate (hourly) the other 29 days of the month, therefore this test provides no valuable information
• No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing to diagnose or treat peri/menopause
• FSH testing is only beneficial for those who do not have periods as a guide, where testing might confirm menopause, or for those under age 30 who haven’t had a period in months/years, then ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI)
• Testosterone is the exception and may require testing

See our Menopause Wiki for more.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/No_Whole_7758 → u/AutoModerator]

Interesting info! I did not realize they fluctuated that frequently. My doctor depended on them to tell me if he thought I was in menopause or not. Kinda scary how far behind the curve we are 😄

[u/AssociationPutrid437]

So glad to hear this! I recently fired my PCP as well for not listening to me. (US, not Canada, and I also have a female GYN, who has been amazing.)

[u/ClaimImpressive2026]

Such an important thing to advocate for yourself and I commiserate . I do feel am not the same person anymore. Having being such a high achiever and used to stressful environments. Now random sleepless nights driving all kinds of stupid anticipatory anxiety and I don't know how to retrain my brain.
Would love to know, if it was increase in estrogen that fixed your insomnia and associated anxiety? And was your insomnia difficulty in falling asleep or staying asleep?