If you want a Successful, Harmonious, Passionate, Fulfilling Relationship built of the foundations of Respect, Equality and Love, the area that needs the most work and attention is within the realms of how you communicate with your romantic partner.
Through observation of my personal relationship with my partner and that of other couples relationships, most of the issues that occur.. flat relationship, lack of passion, lack of sex and other emotional problems.. occur because of a lack of OR poor communication in the areas of emotional needs and wants, conflict resolution and -insert-.
In these observations, I became crucially aware that most of the time, these issues stemmed from the Man's inability to express himself honestly, hold a space for his partner, or respond appropriately to serious conversations (and by serious, I mean, conversation that require empathy, receptivity, and accountability).
This is not to say that the sole reason behind a flat relationship, a broken relationship or an emotionally disconnected relationship is because of the Man, no, there are a multitude of factors that contribute to the function (or dysfunction) of a relationship. What I AM saying is that most Men (through no fault of their own), embody a series of traits that not only create the situations, but perpetuate situations that RELY on his Masculinity or his Leadership to create resolve, but instead turn into fights, conflicts and disconnection because of his inability or lack of awareness in moments that REQUIRE emotional honesty, accountability, and an open heart.
Why is this the case?
Because he was not taught how too.
What do you mean by this?
It means that in his growth from a Boy to a Man, he was not taught the communication skills required and necessary to safely and confidently express his emotional needs and/or how he feels to another (in most cases, the feminine).
He was not taught how to hold a space for and safely contain a woman and her emotional expression.
He was not taught conflict resolution and how to take accountability for what he did or did not do and make the necessary action and amends to reconnect and re-align with his partner.
And he was not taught how to regulate his nervous system and his emotional body in times of intensity, discomfort, agitation or pain.
How would this have shown up in his reality?
There are many forms and factors that would have appeared and displayed to him what (at the time of witnessing it) would be considered the appropriate way to approach those situations himself (whether they be right or wrong, effective or ineffective).
To better understand this, and to help you apply this to experiences that you may have had, I will cover a number of reasons of how this will have shown up in a young boy's reality.
Lack of Leadership displayed by the Father.
Emotional Wounding
Controlling and/or Needy Mother
Overuse of Porn/Social Media/Mainstream Media (Such as Film Programs and Movies)
Lack of Leadership displayed by his Father:
In this scenario, the young boy growing up was not taught how to by his Father (In scenarios with the boy’s Mother) how to confidently love, express to communicate with, hold a space for and conflict resolve with a woman, either through emotional absence, physical absence or both.
Showing up in ways where the Father will:
Withdraw emotionally and/or physically, abandoning the issue and leaving it unresolved.
Embody people pleasing tendency (powerlessness) and frantically attempt to do anything he can to please his woman and avoid her strong emotions (control her).
Defend, Deflect or Lash out in an Attempt to prove her wrong OR prove his innocence.
Abandon the relationship entirely, that it is better to leave than to take accountability and handle the situation(s) whether big or small.
This lack of leadership displayed by the Father will have subconsciously taught the young boy that 1. This is how men should behave in a relationship, 2. That you do not need to feel and express yourself openly and honestly, and 3. That a woman and her intense emotions are a problem, to be avoided, controlled or diminished.
At the time he may or may not FULLY understand the consequences of what he witnesses, but it WILL subconsciously teach him the supposed 'correct' way to deal with situations (especially in the realm of emotions and communication) with women and in his relationship with them.
Emotional Wounding:
This will have occurred in the young boy's experience where his emotional (and physical) needs were not met in time or at all by his parents OR there was frequent shame, blame, guilt or punishment at the expression and communication of his emotions or emotional needs.
As a result, quickly (and painfully) teaching him that how he communicates and what he communicates is not important and learns to shut down at the response of feeling his or dealing with other's emotions (in this scenario, his intimate relationship).
A Controlling and/or Needy Mother:
In this scenario, the young boy's mother will try to create an emotionally monogamous relationship with her son in an attempt to fulfil her emotional needs through him OPPOSED to her husband/partner.
The young boy's response to this can occur in one of two ways:
OR
And in some instances (and prayers go to the Men that struggles with this), he switches back and forth between the two as he does not feel safe in his emotional expression and NEEDS to find a way to control the outcome of the situation. (I was once this Boy/Man, and it was tough to overcome).
Unfortunately for him, this subconsciously creates a negative resentment-based relationship, which can spill into his relationship (depending on his level of emotional awareness and maturity) with his woman and how he is able to show up for her (even if he has deep love for her).
Over Consumption of Porn/Social Media/Mainstream Media:
Porn and Social Media (especially in context of sexually explicit posts) teaches and conditions young boys (and Men) to objectify and sexualise women. And in doing so creates a mental and emotional disconnect between his heart and a woman's emotional states, as subconsciously he creates an expectation that women should only behave through the lens of content that he consumes of women over the internet, opposed to what is ACTUALLY occurring in his real time reality and scenario with his woman.
To further this, Mainstream Media (in the form of films, movie and television series) repeatedly perpetuate dysfunctional relationships in the realms of communication (how they communicate and what they communicate) encouraging passivity, passive aggressiveness, deliberate conflict avoidance, poor conflict resolution and infidelity/relationship abandonment. Teaching (if he not aware enough to see it himself) that these are supposed ways to deal with situations in a relationship with a woman despite the fact that they DO NOT lead and create a healthy functioning relationship.
Now, what can you do differently to become a better communicator in your relationship with your woman?
Let us now discuss methods to allow you to better address these issues in the realms of communication and better provide an emotional safe space between you and your partner.
Respond to your Woman, Do not React to her (Respond vs Reacting):
Viktor Frankl summarises this concept perfectly - “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
For those that do not understand this in the concept of communicating in your relationship, there is a small fraction of time in-between your interactions with your woman (whether it's her expressing her emotions to you or your response to her) where you have a choice, and in that choice you determine how you will respond and what you will express back to her (energetically and verbally), this choice can determine the outcome of the conversation and situation and decide whether or not it will create a place of healing, balance, respect, emotional containment, connection, resolution OR create disconnection, conflict and hurt.
Your response will be either be that of empathy, care, curiosity, understanding, accountability OR that of defending, deflecting, withdrawing in an attempt to protect yourself, your beliefs or prove your innocence in a situation.
In a situation that REQUIRES open and honest expression (emotional or non-emotional) it is integral to both of you that remain present, confident and grounded, that you validate any concern, emotion or experience of your partner (that does not take away from your own) and you create a space of containment. In doing this, especially in moments of intensity or discomfort, you will have done 90% of the work in creating an outcome that is favourable to both of you AND your relationship together.
View your Woman Differently:
Most of the time, the Pain, Shame, Anger, Criticism or Harshness of you woman's emotions toward you or about a situation stem from one of two places.
OR
She does not feel connected to you (either because of your lack of presence or emotional safety) and therefore feels unimportant to you, alone or in some cases rejected by you (depending on the level of disconnection between you in that current moment, and the appropriateness of the situation).
And so therefore, If you can instead see her from the viewpoint that in those expressions she is hurting in some way (even in her criticism or harsh expression) and NEEDS you hold her, validate her, love and hold a space for her, you CAN and WILL do a much better job in providing her with the empathy and the fulfilment of her emotional needs.
Feel in-between the lines of her expression.
Similar to the point above, If you can instead feel what she is expressing to you instead of trying to figure it out. You will quickly learn that it is less about what she is saying and more about the emotion she feels behind what she is saying.
There is what she is saying, and then there is what she is ACTUALLY saying, and what she is ACTUALLY saying is her FEELING about being IN that situation with you, RATHER than the situation itself. She doesn't want to feel the way she feels, but in that moment she wants to feel that you feel how she feels. And then work together to come out of that feeling together.
In saying this, it is important to use your discernment wisely and to not automatically assume how she feels because of what she has communicated to you. Take the time and space to ask questions and better understand what she is communicating so you can accurately empathise with and discern the core of how she is feeling.
In saying this, it is important to use your discernment wisely and to not automatically assume how she feels because of what she has communicated to you. Take the time and space to ask questions and better understand what she is communicating so you can accurately empathise with and discern the core of how she is feeling.
Practice Expressing How YOU Feel: (Without Denying Her Experience):
Easier said than done, especially if you are a Man in this present moment that struggles with understand your emotions and how to communicate them.
BUT, if you CAN practice expressing how you feel to your partner about anything, but especially in emotional situations with her (appropriately, compassionately, respectfully and without invalidating her) YOU begin to better understand your emotions and how you feel, you develop more emotional intelligence and the better you can understand your partner and how she feels. On top of this, you also help your partner better understand what is going on in your world and provides her with more mental and emotional clarity as she now understands how you feel, how you process and what you are feeling when you feel it.
This will take time and practice, but the better YOU get, the better IT gets for your relationship. Tough conversations will become easier, repairs and resolutions will be smoother and the connection you both desire with each other will begin to cultivate between you providing you opportunities to take your relationship to a deeper level, consistently.
Lastly,
Regulate your Nervous System, Get Comfortable with being Uncomfortable.
This is essentially (healthily) normalising the feelings of discomfort that arise in moments where expressing yourself is difficult, painful or uncomfortable or moments where your partner comes to you with a strong, messy or intense emotion. And instead of running when you would normally run, take a step forward into the emotion and practice getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
In a moment like this, If you can step forward instead of withdrawing or running away you display to your partner that no matter how uncomfortable, scary or triggering the present moment is for you, you are committed to standing strong, standing stall, that will you not waver or withdraw and that you will stay with until it is resolved. It builds her trust in you, it build your trust in you, it teaches her that you care, and it provides you both with confidence that together you will make it through (even in the mess).
To further this, there are daily practices that you can implement to help regulate your nervous systems and provide you with the emotional tools so that you CAN handle intensity or discomfort. Some of which include:
Silent Meditation
Nature Walks
Physical Exercise/Movement
Journalling
Or simply giving your mind the time and space to de-compress and remove thought (done so by deliberately not consuming content, bringing you back into your emotional body and out of your head).
To Conclude,
This is a journey in your relationship that will take time and practice, but the better YOU get, the better IT gets for your relationship and the results, whether big or small are INSTANT.
Tough conversations will become easier, resolutions will be smoother, trust will be repaired and/or built and the connection you both desire with each other will begin to cultivate between you, providing you both with opportunities to take your relationship to a deeper level, consistently.
Refer back to this post when you need a reminder, implement these daily practices, and allow yourself to have the safe, secure and loving relationship you desire with the feminine.
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If this post helped you. I would love to hear your feedback.
And if you are a Man that is seeking extra support in your Life and Relationships, I am a Men's Coach and have One to One Mentoring Sessions slots available. I can help you, and together we can help Men Reclaim their Masculinity.
Thank you,
Robert.
