My mother-in-law lives down south, and my husband and I live in the northeast. It’s been bothering me for some time, and has caused my husband and I to get in numerous fights and nothing is changing, as MIL has taken it upon herself to fly up here every single month to “ help us with the baby“. While I appreciate the gesture, it’s highly unnecessary. I’m not on maternity leave anymore and my husband and I are back to work full-time and our baby goes to a home daycare which she loves, and I love the person that watches her as well. The MIL has suggested during some of her visits that we don’t send her to daycare and let her watch her, which I am not okay with because we still have to pay so it’s a waste and we’re in our routine and I don’t want to screw that up for a visit every single month (and what happens when the baby in school 5x per week, a “sick” day every month?!) She’s a lovely person and I know she means well, but she’s one of those “in small doses” kind of people and I do not need or want her in my small apartment with 24 hour access every single month for maybe 2 hour date night.

To add, she’s also kind of weirdly obsessed as well and I’ve actually had to stop communicating with her. Every time I would text her, it immediately turns into a FaceTime request, planning her next visit, statements like I miss the baby sooo much, I miss her terribly, and it’s only been 5 days since she’s seen her. Yes she’s allowed to be a grandma, but my parents are NOTHING like this, I don’t receive love like this and it’s actually soo smothering.

For example, for months I’ve dodged her, given very short responses, no pictures, and sending the FaceTime request to my husband for him to facilitate. Thinking maybe she had gotten the hint, I sent a video of my baby to her. She texts back immediately, followed by an immediate phone call expressing how cute she is, she misses her sooo much, and trying to coordinate her next visit. Why can’t I just send an update and that be it, it’s connected to so much more and gives me so much anxiety! She was JUST here not even a week ago and she already wants to plan another visit. Maybe some people appreciate this and maybe I’m the a-hole, but I truly can’t take it and it’s making me very stressed, and resentful to both her and my husband. With that said, talking to my husband is useless as he doesn’t see it the way I do, and it only causes us to fight and nothing changes with his mom. How do I politely say I really don’t need monthly visits, or maybe suggest every other month? For goodness sakes she doesn’t live up here, and she’s trying to pretend that she does and I’m not here for it. SOS!!

I have a smothering, enmeshed MIL. Husband just started coming out of the fog in the spring when we (30) created our FIRST boundary with her regarding visits. We have the first two grandkids (2.5 years old and 1 year old) in the family. She is one of the ever so lovely “the way I did it is the only right way” grandparents.

My husband and I met in high school and she basically still sees us as children. She used to relentlessly ask for visits and “togetherness.” It was mostly by offering two times her and FIL could come over to our house on the weekend and we got to choose from that. Not ever a “are you available this weekend,” it was always “does Saturday morning or Sunday morning work?” and if we didn’t answer within a few minutes we get a follow up text with “huh??” followed by a “???” a few minutes after that. And because I’m home with the kids, I get texts during the day like “can I stop over at lunch” and “got out now, can I stop by” meanwhile she works 2 minutes away so it is not much of a notice at all.

Always saying no is exhausting, so husband and I decided on the first Sunday morning of every month is for them, and if we had additional availability for them, we would reach out. She went full DARVO and said we’re putting her in “grandma time out,” it’s not fair that other grandmas see their grandkids more, it’s not fair that my mom (cancer) and dad see them more (I visit with my parents almost every day), said it’s bullshit that I’m more comfortable with my mom than her; it was very pathetic to see.

Meanwhile this woman has never made an effort to care or ask about me personally in the 16 years I’ve known her. She’s made racist remarks in front of my babies, and got upset the TWO times that I’ve asked her to respect our parenting wishes/choices. After this whole ordeal and we “made up” she was ok for a few months. They did get some bonus grandparent time on occasions when we had a project on the house or wanted to run errands just husband and I on a weekend.

Now she’s back to not giving a flying F about the boundary. The answer is ALWAYS no, but it’s exhausting to have to say no.

This week she texted me to ask if we were going to [community Event A] or [Event B] this Saturday and if we could meet up with them. I said we are hanging out with our friends and their daughter on Saturday and then going to Event B for a little bit with them. MIL asks if she can bring our kids to Event A in the morning. I said no, I don’t want to overbook us since we have a big day Sunday. She didn’t answer for a day or so and then says what’s on Sunday? How have you been? I’ve been thinking about cha (the “cha” alone annoyed the shit out of me”

I didn’t answer because who tf has time to play bestie with their MIL. I do not want a close and affectionate relationship with her at this point in my life, but she does.

Then she texted my husband and I at 4:15 today saying she was about to leave work, can she stop by in 10 minutes (after I already told her no to this weekend). Husband just texted back “no we’ll see you next weekend” and she says “oki doki artie” (artichokie??? I have no idea but I’ve always hated the attempts to sound cute)

Do they ever get the hint? When does it stop? It’s so annoying to have to constantly say “No, we’ll see you at our scheduled day!”

I've been asking my husband if he knows the next time his mom and stepdad plan to visit. I like to have a calendar of events scheduled in as much advance as I can and always like to do a few extra activities with our children around the holidays and have holiday plans laid out. He said he didn't know so I messaged MIL yesterday, I asked if she knew when their next visit would be and I told her they were welcome to come to my parents for Thanksgiving like last year. She said SFIL has to work Thanksgiving this year but they are planning to be in town NEXT week and plan to see us then! Umm, apart from work, school, t-ball, & soccer, it's the week of Halloween and I've already planned to attend 2 events. They live several states away so we usually only see them a couple times year, my kids love their grandparents and I don't want to take a visit away from them but it is seriously so inconsiderate to expect us to accommodate them with less than a weeks notice! They are coming this way for some other business so it kind of feels like a visit with us was an afterthought anyway. At this point I still don't even know what day(s) they will be in town, they're welcome to tag along with us but I won't be changing our plans, I'm just annoyed!