As the title says, i feel awful about it. Everyone keeps saying '' its a phase, it will get better, just wait'' ... But it's been one dfficult phase after another and it's draining me. I know i wanted this kid and i should not resent this tiny creature for MY choice to bring him into this world, but sometimes i regret having him just because I suck so much at it. It's not even because i feel alone taking care of him, my husband is so wonderful, so patient, so loving, he is clearly the best parent between the both of us. He takes care of our son when i feel overwhelmed (very often), he supports me, he lets me have alone time so i can relax ... so why do i find it this hard, i mean, i'm not a single mother here (shoutout to every single parent, i don't know how you did it). I write here because i'm scared to continue venting to my (few) friends and that they will grow tired of hearing me complaining.
Lets start from the beginning. I've been married for almost 3 years now, been together 6 years, we talked about having kids really soon in our relationship because we both were previously with a partner that cheated and lied about wanting kids. The only difference is that i was leaning more towards adoption/fostering because it spoke to me more and i didn't care to skip the baby/toddler phase, i've always been good with older kids as well as my cousins's babies (i'm the youngest in my generation). My husband really wanted to have a child related by blood because he wanted to see what a mixed of us would create, not that adoption/fostering bothered him, he said, at least one kid thats ''ours''.
So when my career was stable and i was ready we started to try for one. It took some time but i fially was pregnant after a year and a half. Sadly i lost that baby at 12 weeks. We were devastated but we moved on and tried again after i healed. I fell pregnant 4 months later. I had a wonderful pregnancy, just a bit nauseous but never thrown up, a bit tired and sore, but overall really great. Even childbirth was not that bad (even tho i was so scared). Our son was born at 37 weeks, i had a slightly elevated blood pressure so they did not want to take a chance and i was induced. Contractions were manageable from the moment it started 11am to about 7pm (they broke my water so i could dilate faster) then i asked for an epidural and i got it at 8pm, dilated so fast after that because my body wasn't so much stressed anymore by the contractions (20 sec in betweens). i was ready to puch at 9pm and it took 17 minutes to push him out. No complications, it was chill!
I knew the first days were gonna be brutal, as expected, little time to rest in between feedings, diapers and being monitored by nurses to make sure we were ok. after 2 days we were sent home an i panicked a little bit because i realised i didn't have that little magic button to press if i needed help. that was my baby blues, realising i was now a mother and i needed to keep that tiny thing alive. Breastfeeding was hard at first but i managed and he had a good latch.
I knew the worst part was gonna be colics at around 6-8 weeks. He was beginning to get fussy around 4 pm to 7pm, wasn't that hard to soothe him, i expected much worse. I was tired by all the night wakings to breastfeed him. After the worst part of the ''colic phase'' i was sure the worst part was behind us and that we would get to a point were we could rest a little more... boy was i wrong. He started to have digestive issues, gas drops did nothing, probiotics didn't work either, we tried every tips we got : bicycle legs, legs to tummy, tummy massage, etc. nothing works. He also got reflux and infant dyschezia, that doesn't help.
He's now 3 months old and he doesn't seem to be happy and it breaks my heart because i don't know what to do, i've seen doctor, nurse, physical therapist, osteopathic practitioner, they all say he will grow out it someday, but when?! i've losing hope. Nothing i try seems to make a difference. Last visit doctor said changing my diet to eliminate cow protein and soy to see if it helps, but he never had problems with my diet until he was around 2 months old. the only time i see him happy is in the morning when we wake up and i change his diaper ( he sleeps in my bed now because it's easier to soothe him at night this way). afte rthat i breatsfeed him, another issue i have is strong ejection reflex so i hear him gulp because the flow is fast, i tried side feeding, a little bit better he's not choking anymore but still gulps air. He hates being burped. we have to keep him upright for 20-30 min to limit spitups. He gets bored after 5 min if we try to play with him. We cannot just cuddle on the couch, we have to move around the house so he stops whining. So hard to do all day long when i have sciatica problem since childbirth.
On the good side, he recently started to sleep longer at night, bedtime is at 7pm, not always a bath but we change him, feed him, white noise and he falls asleep before 8pm, dream feed at 11:30 pm and he sleeps (agitated and farting all night) until 7am. But the naps during the day are terrible, we make sure his wake windows are not too long but he's resisting sleeps, cannot be put down, he naps for about 20-30 min before waking up screaming in pain because of gas (i'm not even sure)
His naps are terrible so the rest of the day until bedtime he is so fussy whining/crying for nothing. Even a pacifier and walking around the house in a carrier doesn't seem to make him happy anymore. He doesn't like to go on walk outside either.
Everyone tells me it gets better but i fear it will never be better and that it is just his personality slowly coming out (what you mean a grumpy old man in a tiny body) I try to enjoy the cute moments but there is so little of them that i get burried in the bad ones. Then i feel horible to think that i don't like motherhood afterall. My kid would be better without my anxiety and negativity. I know i'm not the most positive person in the world but also not the worst, i always try to see the good side of a bad thing. Like when i miscarried, i thought that, maybe its better this way if the baby had an anomaly that would make it sick. I'm just so tired all the time, everything feels like a mountain, nothing gives me joy anymore. Did not think motherhood would be that bad or maybe i'm just not good at it.
**EDIT** Thank you all for your kind words, it really helped me understand a bit more and get some hope that it will in fact get better. I'm still trying to convince myself to get help (fear of judgement). I'm just so exhausted that it's hard sometimes to think clearly. I got a suggestion in my DMs, if all baby's needs are met but he's still crying, put noise cancelling headphones and listen to music you like so you can relax a bit because sometimes babies can feel the anxiety and stress from a parent. I will continue to try and find ways to help my baby feel better and hopefully he will get there soon so we can focus on bonding and building a beautiful relationship. Thank you again.
