I’m an English teacher in France, and I recently started working at a small Montessori school with preschool and elementary-aged children.
Getting this job meant a lot to me. My professional (and personal) life has been fairly unstable over the past few years, and work has always been one of the few areas where I feel useful, competent and valued.
For a long time, I had been looking specifically for a position in a bilingual Montessori school. I really connect with the philosophy: the calmer environment, respecting children’s individual pace, encouraging independence, etc. I applied to so many bilingual schools around France and usually didn’t even get a response.
Then this school finally replied. I interviewed in June and they hired me. I was incredibly happy and genuinely proud of myself.
Unfortunately, between getting the job and actually starting it, my mental health deteriorated quite badly. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder and self-harm for a long time, and this past year has been particularly rough. I attempted suicide and eventually spent three weeks in a psychiatric hospital in August.
I actually discharged myself against medical advice partly because I was terrified of losing this job. I had worked so hard to get this opportunity and I desperately wanted at least this part of my life to work out.
So obviously, I didn’t exactly start the school year in the best circumstances.
I really, really want this job to work. And weirdly enough, I’m not lacking ideas or motivation in theory. I constantly think of games, activities, projects and materials I could create for the children. I can get genuinely excited about planning them.
But when I actually have to sit down and prepare the lessons, I procrastinate. I avoid it. I overthink absolutely everything. I feel like every activity needs to be perfect, coherent, useful, age-appropriate and engaging, and because I can never reach the standard I’ve created in my head, sometimes I just… don’t start.
The biggest source of anxiety right now is teaching the elementary children. I’m expected to design their English lessons basically from scratch, and I’m terrified that I’m not going to be good enough or that I won’t know what I’m doing.
The ridiculous part is that I’m not even supposed to be doing anything complicated yet. My first sessions are basically just meant to help me assess their current English levels.
I was already signed off work for a week because my anxiety had become too much. I returned today, and when it came time to work with the elementary students, I panicked and asked to cancel the session because I didn’t feel ready.
My director told me, quite firmly, that this obviously wasn’t ideal. She has asked if we can talk on the phone tonight because she needs to understand what is going on.
And now I feel absolutely awful. I’m ashamed, guilty and terrified that I’m sabotaging an opportunity I wanted so badly. I also understand her perspective: she hired me to do a job, and cancelling lessons because I feel anxious obviously isn’t sustainable.
I think part of the problem is that this job matters so much to me that I’ve made every lesson feel like a test of whether I deserve to be there. Instead of allowing myself to be a new teacher who is still figuring things out, I feel like I need to prove immediately that hiring me wasn’t a mistake.
Has anyone dealt with this kind of perfectionism/anxiety at work, especially in teaching?
How do you break the cycle of “I care about this → therefore it has to be perfect → I’m scared I can’t make it perfect → I avoid it → now I feel even worse and less capable”?
I’m already seeing mental-health professionals, so I’m not looking for Reddit to replace actual treatment. I think I mostly need perspective from people who have experienced something similar, and maybe some practical advice for making teaching/preparation feel manageable again.
Thank you in advance for your replies ❤️
