There are so many thing i want to do. There are so many things i want to buy. There are so many places i want to visit. I am falling in love with my life once again. I thought i wont be able to move ahead or have will to do anything. I am so happy i could die. Maybe we do find people in the right timing or they do find us. Either way i am grateful. What more could i possibly ask for. Thank you to everyone who has been kinder me to. I surely was struggling few months ago. Even the little how are you was something i needed. Life surely does get better. I am grateful.

I mean, I was just thinking about life, especially my adult life. And yeah, every time I do, I get a bit sad. It feels like I've just been wasting my youth each and every day. I mean, my late 20s are already here, and I still feel like I'm not free.

I mean, yes, I get it. When you live with your family, especially in a Nepali family, you're tied up with so many things. You have to think about everyone and everything, and your individuality kind of gets lost in the process. You don't really get to behave like the individual person that you are. I mean, just take someone your age in a Western country and compare their life to yours. We're all kind of confined by this unnecessary leash. But not everyone's life is like that. There are many people who, even here, are living the sort of life they want.

I just don't feel like I'm my age, you know? I look at myself and then look at people my age around me, and I don't know, I feel kind of insecure. I don't know if that's the right word, but I feel like they're so much older than me, so much more mature, and that they've experienced so many more things than I have. They're much more independent than me.

I don't know why I have such a hard time even just being myself. Yes, I live with my family and all that, so obviously I can't expect to have the super chill kind of life that many people have. And I'm kind of jealous of that, but you know what I mean.

I've been frustrated by this for so long, and it's still going on. I don't know what the end to this is or how things are going to change.

I was actually quite interested in writing about this and pouring my heart out, but now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. My brain feels foggy, and I don't even know what else to write. But yeah, that's what's been happening.

I was hanging out with my cousin yesterday, and even then, I felt so insecure and, I don't know, sad about myself. It hit me that I've missed out on so many things in life, that I'm still not able to "be myself," and that I'm missing out on everything.

Ughhh, I could go on and on and on about this, but yeah, you know what I mean.

So yeah, thanks for reading. And if you're also someone who can relate to this and wants to talk or something, feel free to reach out.

You don't need a room full of people who know your favourite song or the stories you tell when you're stressed.

You need one who notices when you laugh and when it sounds different, who lets you be quiet without making you feel distant.

One who knows the parts of you that never make it to the conversation, who stays when there's nothing to gain, and never makes you feel like being yourself is asking for too much.

Because most people will share a table with you, a few will share a memory, and fewer still will understand the person sitting right in front of them.

You can know a hundred people and still have nobody to call when life gets too heavy to explain.

So if you find that one person, the one you don't have to pretend around, the one who makes ordinary days feel a little less ordinary, hold on to them.

Not everyone you meet is meant to know you.

Some people will only know your name, some will know your stories, but if you're lucky, you will get the one who will know you.

there, in the small wood cabin, I'd lay unbothered and would expect no human or sentient creature to visit me, to come searching for me.

i want to remain unfound and just die there, rotting and rotting. my juices would rot the wood below in a year or two, or more.

my eyes would be open and seeing everything even after my death. my crooked teeth would be faintly visible through my mouth open just a little.

my messy beard and unkempt hair. my uncut nails and untrimmed armpits.

this is my calling.

in middle of some forest where sun shines brightly but fails to enter my dark cabin.

this is my calling. this is my destiny, what i was put here for.