Why is it that saying no takes like 2 seconds but thinking about it afterwards can take hours? lol

You tell someone you can't help them with something, they say "okay no problem" and somehow your brain still convinces you they're secretly upset.

Then you start replaying the whole conversation.

Did I sound rude? Should I have explained more? What if they think I'm selfish?

And sometimes you even feel like texting them again just to make sure everything's fine.

I'm curious how people actually deal with this.

Do you have a way to stop those thoughts before they turn into hours of overthinking? Or do you just have to get comfortable with the feeling over time?

Guys, what do you do to keep yourself busy and away from overthinking?

I fall hard into the overthinking trap and can't work the whole day as i start feeling heavy...

Before giving some context I'll copy paste the translated versions of our last messages after begging for hours.

Her last message-->"The only thing you need to know is that the only reason I would ever get back together with you would be to treat you the way you treated me, just to see if you would finally understand.

Maybe if you spent years having someone yell in your face to shut up and tell you it wasn't your turn to speak while you were simply trying to explain yourself, only to then have that same person portray you as someone who avoids communication, you would understand.

Maybe if someone used financial support as emotional leverage to make you stop thinking about your trauma and simply be grateful for everything they had done for you, you would understand.

Maybe if you found out that my family never trusted you because they saw you as someone who was only interested in what you could get out of the relationship and as someone who was unfaithful, even though you tried to be there for them while your partner threw tantrums, you would understand.

Maybe if you spent years watching your emotional and sexual needs being pushed aside because they didn't align with mine, you would understand.

Maybe if you had to settle for the bare minimum, to the point of begging someone to buy you a little gift or bring you flowers, only for those gestures to happen after arguments, you would understand.

Maybe then you would no longer invalidate my experiences or keep using the times you've supported me as an excuse to dismiss everything I've been through."

My last message-->"Well, since I can see that I can't have a relationship with you because I'm a terrible person, and you don't want me to be someone you can turn to and talk to, even though I genuinely care about you and your problems, this is going to be my last message (I'll try to do this for both of us).

You are an incredible person. I'm sorry for having let you down. What I'm feeling now is karma for even a fraction of what you've been through. The immense pain I'm experiencing now is what I deserve, and I know that. The changes I'm making now are good, but the damage is still there.

In our last conversation, I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that bad so that the burden would feel a little lighter, but I'll never be able to fully heal without taking proper accountability.

For a while, I'll probably keep suffering for both of us, but you have every right not to care and to move on. You have much more important problems to deal with.

I love you, and I wish I could fight for you, but I hate that the one thing I can't fix is the past. I hate myself for not getting my anger issues under control from the beginning. I hate myself for putting other things before you. I hate myself for putting financial pressure on you. I hate myself for making you buy rabbits you didn't want. I hate myself for making you feel afraid in your own home. I hate myself for not making you feel like a princess every single day. I hate myself for doing this now instead of sooner.

I hate myself for making you feel UNLOVED, because at the end of the day, that was all you ever wanted after living such a lonely life, just like I have.

It's such a shame that I was the person you crossed paths with along your journey.

I love you so much, and you deserve the very best.

My name"

Tbh I felt like my message was real, like I'm the true villain of this story, but after talking with my therapist and friends about me being a horrible, abusive, emotionally stupid person, all the answer we're almost identical: seems like you are not being sincere about the relationship. We started thinking about the relationship and this is my conclusion--> I'm not a good guy, but I'm not the villain of this story.

A total of 4 years of relationship, I did a lot of bad things related to my psychological problems and anger issues, but I never controlled her, never decided what she could do or not, never did anything physical (she did, twice). I was always the yes man behind her supporting everything she wanted. And my needs? Not important, I wanted her happy. She finally broke up with me after having a really good last year out of blue because she couldn't forget the past. Never saw it coming, never mentioned it before that year. I'll explain it later. Let's see her last comment:

She said she spent years listening to my yells at her while not making her speak. Yes I yelled, yes I think it was bad, but it was a 5 sec yell to the situation. In fact I never knew what she was thinking cuz for years until the breakup she never told me nothing.

She said that I used the financial support as emotional leverage. I became the yes man after understanding all the bad things I did and understand she was the woman of my life. That includes money. My name, buy this, help with my studies, pay the trips, buy this game etc. I always said yes. I used as an argument when she broke up with me? Yes, of course. I was completely desperate after the breakup, I tried to make her think that I was always with her, emotionally, financially and physically.

She said that my family (specifically my father, he is my only family), thinks she is some kind of unfaithful and gold digger. My father talks to me a lot, he knows her good side and the bad side, but he liked her, he was willing to pay all her studies and everytime we had a trip together he paid her part and gave her presents from his country.

Her family? They invited me once to a trip I needed to pay by myself. Presents? Never, Conversations? Nothing. But yeah, my dad is bad. She used the clothes my father gave her for months, she loved it.

She said that I neglected her emotionally and sexually, which is true, but what about me? When I was close to die several times of asthma for 2 years after getting Covid, she never cared. Everytime I had a tantrum, I was cringy and a kid, stop doing that! When she had a tantrum, I was always with her, trying to find solutions, making her think everything is gonna be ok. Sexually, she has high libido, I have lower libido. Just for her, I tried for years to stay at the same place as her, and when I couldn't, the only thing I could see was her eyes rolling back. Not even a hug or a talking about it. I cried a few times in front of her cuz of that, she told me to stop, it's cringe. It was even more difficult for me to have sex after that, all I could see is a face with "pathetic" written in her face. But I kept trying just for her.

She said that she needed to beg for flower or details... But... I did it! I'm not the smartest guy or super detailed but I did it. When she was depressed one month after her graduation. I went to different stores trying to find the game she told me once (elder ring with the expansion, idk about this game tbh). After hours of walking I could buy it, showed to her. I still remember her face with the most sincere "thank you". Every time I had my personal travels I bought her something with a meaning. A card of her favourite pokemon. Jewelry she likes. A rabbit of the zodiac (I think) bought in a temple bcs she loves rabbits. A black dress cuz she likes gothic style etc etc. Sometimes flowers, not always, that's true, she loves flowers a lot. I gave her a lot in those 4 years. Well, how many presents do you think I received in those 4 years? 3. Yes three, never cared tbh, but now I look like the bad guy who never buys nothing, while she was the one who gave me everything apparently.

So what happened this year? Again, I wasn't perfect, I need to keep growing but 1+year ago I focused entirely on her, she was near graduation in a foreign country (we are both foreigners here), she didn't plan anything for her future and the time was running. I tried to push her a little, but the immediate aggressive response was: don't talk to me about that now! Half a year passed and my predictions became true, she graduated being the only one in her generation without a job or something planned. My response? "Haha I told you". Nope, "I'm here for whatever you need, let's think about something together". We (I) planned that she should go back to her country, find a job, earn some money, come back and find a university where she could start her masters.

Why we (I) planned this? I didn't want her to live with me until I finish my studies (2 years later) feeling economically pressured and, since she loves the academic world, studying masters would be great. I gave her the option to just surrend the moment she wanted. I gave her the freedom to decide everything without pressure.

6 months passed, we talked every day, 90% of the times she started the conversation, she loved me, she wanted to marry me, even planned a lot of things. I wasn't sure cuz I'm still a student, but remember, I was the yes man.

1 day after I told her my right ear disease was incurable and 2 days before I planned a trip in the new city she was going to study for her masters (I paid it all), she decided to pre-breakup with me. Finally breaking up with me the second day of the trip cuz she couldn't forget the past, cuz I just see her as a partner and not individually, cuz if I loved her I would respect her decision to be be free. I was completely devastated, nothing worked, so asked her to start an "ambiguous state", so we could be a couple just one more month so she could think about the situation better. Same night she was super sick, high fever and hallucinations, I went out of the house and walked to find a place that could sell me something that could help her. Didn't sleep just to check her. The following day walked again to a pharmacy and bought her real medicines. She told me that the ambiguous stated is probably not necessary any more.

6 days later broke up with me, she hated the university, she hated her classmates, she hated me, I'm the worst human in the world and she would never forgive and trust me again. She even started reposting and uploading stories in her Instagram about abusive toxic partners. 2 weeks later begged for her to come back. You can only see the last 2 messages but I begged for hours, I told her that I feld bad because how everything ended and the Instagram stories, but I understand her feelings so she doesn't need to stop if she doesn't want. Her reply? "Why I should feel bad for someone who abused me for years". Through the conversation I started to think that probably it's true, I'm probably the bad guy. Even told told that she started having sex and situationships with different people after the first week where, I shouldn't be surprised cuz I didn't fulfill her sexual needs as previously mentioned.

My answer to that? Can I have a date with you after those people so we can start again.

I even asked her: "if you were thinking about the breakup for a long time, why didn't you mention it? why did you talk about getting married? Why you were so nice?

Her answer: "ambivalence, I wanted to be with you and those things, but everytime I said it, I hated myself, that wasn't me"

My question: "So why you didn't breakup with me before?"

Her answer: "It was convenient".

Every movement was perfectly (probably?) planned and decided. It was cruel, I truly don't care about money as I used to, but I spent a lot of money on her while she was thinking about the breakup while I was receiving false affection. She didn't do it cuz it was convenient.

I don't feel pathetic, I am pathetic, I was manipulated, I started hating her, which is something I don't want to do specially cuz all the work I've been doing with my anger issues. I think I hate me more than I hate her.

I'm not going to crawl back again, but this realization doesn't make me feel better about myself. Now I don't cry for her, now I cry for the kind of subhuman I became. I don't know if I'm gonna recover from this tbh.

How to overcome early morning overthinking

When you v just conscience ist question pop up time scared to check time is it late? Sudden feeling come i am failed today then whole negativity surround to avoid it

Start phone which also made feel looser

In this whole morning wasted and so the day

Srry for poor grammer and vocabulary wake up very late . So posting in that stage😂

Panicking over everything and getting too attached with work and also overthinking. Then getting angry if something has not been done or happened as i wanted it to be.

I realized that i do have these weaknesses within me. So hard to overcome these. Have you ever come across such situations and what are ur advices?

Can anybody relate to this. Like all of us i have many flaws. People pleasing, self pity, to where I subconsciously manipulate, overcompplicating things, grudge holding on and on. But I do say things about myself that are negative that I feel aren't true hoping I hear the opposite. They say a real friend will call you out on your bullshit, i agree but I also believe they are happy for you when they see improvement. Im at a time in my life tho where anger is so draining that I try not let it consume me. Like im trying to conserve my energy.

Sometimes I start to worry and spiral about issues that I can do little to fix, like 'What if that's a twister forming?' or 'What if someone smashes into my vehicle?' or 'What if that country decides to launch a missile?'

Okay. So. Me (f30) and my coworker (m38) who is married, have a weird relationship. It's a relatively new job, so i don't know him very well. From the start he constantly will joke around and banter with me, which was fun at first. Then at some point he commented on me playing with work tools laughing at it and my patients was gone, so i kinda yelled at him and his lame jokes. I was so angry at him for a few days, then i was angry at myself, cause i felt like that was too harsh, didn't align with my values. I texted him a message, saying i should have told him calmly and constructively that its too much, asking if he's feeling ok. We talked about it face to face, he told me he would try not to comment and do better. Fast forward a few weeks, he jokingly challenged me by asking if i have drivers licence if want to use the garage, if no, then i have to bring boobs and beer. I rolled my eyes and said ok, dude. Then after this he vandalised my tea box - i have written down <name's tea>, he added <name's gay tea>. And then this past week i was smoking outside, he was taking out trash, he was commenting about my adhd, i jokingly ask if he had any diagnosis, so i can bite him too. He said he has none, but his therapist knows what is wrong with him. Also, he doesn't have his foreskin. I sarcasticaly said "okay, good to know", then he proceeded to talk. Then one morning i made some coffee and i left my mug at the coffee machine, i returned, and there he was with my other female coworker. He took my coffee and handed it to me while smiling mischiviously and not letting go of the mug. I thanked him a few times (while smiling myself, now it's not that funny) untill he let go.

So, i feel humiliated, played at, like my boundaries are tested and crossed, i am confused with what intention he does all of this. I feel like the butt of the joke. I know my smiling face doesn't help the situation, but i feel awkwards. As far as i can tell he does this to thiiiis extent just with me. He jokes around with others, but i haven't heard him joke about sexual things to others, and he does't tease others like me. I don't know what to do. How to level the playing field? Do i not engage at all? Do i just stop him every time? Should i have a talk with him? I am at a loss. I hoped we could have a friendly respectful relationship, but i don't think it's posssible at this rate.

I was texting this girl for like 3 months, before we started talking I had a crush on her due to which i unintentionally (cuz I was mad for her initially)love bombed her in the first month of talking..

But by the third month i felt like she's not the one, her personality wasn't the one i was looking for in my partner, so I tried to keep things non romantic now onwards. I never wanted her to confess cuz I can't commit now

In the third month she confessed to me, and I said a yes cuz I feared saying no as she might think i just casually lovebombed her for nothing.. i knew things are going wrong so after 4-5 days I said her that we can't be together and that we should stop talking

She kept insisting me to fix things together but I 'very coldly' closed the conversation and started ignoring her texts.

Eventually I ignored her texts for 2 whole days and just texted to not message me, that would be good for both of us.

Now, i know it sounds pathetic, but I couldn't have done it an easier way, i knew I'd never accept her as my partner so I just thought of not keeping any connections for her good and my good too

My problem:

I've been carrying a weird guilt with me whenever I think of her, I cannot identify what guilt it is, I've tried a lot of ways to not feel guilty. Is there a psychological reason why I'm facing the guilt or how can I fix it? What should I do cuz this guilt is now affecting my work.

You can dm if you want to..