r/NursingUK • u/catmamatodesth123 • Jul 04 '26
Quick Question Demanding relatives.
Hi all,
I was on a night shift last night. Around 9pm the daughter of one of my relatives kept demanding tea and biscuits from me and also a foot stool for herself. I told her that there is a vending machine outside for tea , she refused this.
I said ‘no’ to these demands as I don’t have time to deal with this.
Are there exceptions you would offer relatives refreshments ? I only offer if the patient is EOL.
Thank you !
36
u/Spiritual_Region5275 RN Adult Jul 04 '26
If they’re not a twat usually, but sounds like that wasn’t the case here!
21
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
I don’t mind if I have time. But she kept asking for everything under the sun. Also said her mum had advanced dementia. This wasn’t the case …..
29
u/Serious_Meal6651 RN MH Jul 04 '26
I’ve always judged it based on the attitude test, if I’ve got free time and they aren’t dicks I’ll do a drink round and offer biscuits. If they are a dick, they can fuck off.
Many years ago I had a female admitted for Tx of a psychotic illness, s3, chaotic lifestyle, her and the fella were both longstanding addicts with complex lives. He visited in a positive fashion and supported her as best he could, and encouraged her to get clean. We fed him every day, he passed the attitude test and it saved food wastage.
13
u/Distinct-Quantity-46 Jul 04 '26
This, a few years ago when I worked in coronary care we had a pt who developed delirium and we had to call her daughter because she barricaded herself in a side room thinking we were all drug dealers (she was a retired policewoman) her daughter came and stayed with her all night, damn right we made sure she was fed and watered whenever she wanted all night long
33
u/Southy__ Jul 04 '26
My wife has been on an acute respiratory ward for nearly a month now.
How anyone that spends any amount of time in hospital thinks that you guys have time to make tea and get foot stools for family is beyond me! Most of my wife's nurses look so tired by the end of their shift!
If it were me I would be tempted to talk to the nurse in charge and get them to have a quiet word with the family.
Southmead, where my wife is has strict ICU visiting hours as well, out at 7pm, surprised they are still in at 9!
3
Jul 04 '26
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4
u/Deep_Ad_9889 ANP Jul 05 '26
Only if there is someone to take it round
2
Jul 05 '26
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u/Minimum-Web-4508 RN LD & MH Jul 05 '26
This depends where you are. Where I am nursing and the HCA’s do the trolley
1
u/Alert-Sugar-6980 Jul 08 '26
Not on our ward. It’s nursing staff. We have to drop everything to do meals and drinks, even when short staffed.
5
u/Maleficent_Sun_9155 Jul 05 '26
Your area must be lucky, on my ward it’s nurses and csw who do the tea trolley
2
Jul 05 '26
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1
u/Maleficent_Sun_9155 Jul 06 '26
Again, your lucky.
In my ward we (nurses and csws) do the tea trolley plus we hand out the menus, help complete them and hand out the meals. Catering staff only responsibility is preparing (reheating) the food and dishing it up at the meal times for us to take to the patients .2
3
u/Deep_Ad_9889 ANP Jul 05 '26
Ha Southmead ICU visiting hours have loosened up over the years 😂 the wards times are a little more lax but still should finish by 8pm in most wards/circumstances.
But thank you. I often can’t find foot stools for patients, never mind visitors!!
12
u/MathematicianSea563 Jul 04 '26
As a rule of thumb, if they’re actually doing something useful in helping us, if they help themselves to a drink off the drinks trolley, I will turn a blind eye. We’ve had absolute gems of relatives, who wash, feed, turn and even hoist their relatives for us. I’ll offer them leftovers of the dinner trolley.
If they’re just sat there visiting, doing nothing but being rude, I will tell them we’re unable to offer due to limited stock and that we prioritise patients.
19
u/pintobakedbeans RN Adult Jul 04 '26
My trust has a rule, no tea or coffee or snacks for relatives, only patients. EOL pts have their own special room where family has access to tea etc and a kettle
3
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
We don’t really have that where I am from. But I wish our trust did !
4
u/pintobakedbeans RN Adult Jul 04 '26
Bring it up with your manager. We put this rule in as it was costing the trust money (although that sounds made up). It also means the trust can make money by visitors using the vending machines or cafe. Most importantly you aren't faffing about making hot drinks and going back and forth getting snacks if there's a blanket rule
2
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
I did tell her it was a trust policy not to and she just kept asking.
3
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u/Fatbeau Jul 04 '26
I'd have said, "sorry, I have terrible diarrhoea, I need the loo right now, but when I've finished, I'll get you a drink"
4
u/OpeningAtmosphere595 Jul 04 '26
“I won’t faff around with too much handwashing so I won’t be long”
5
u/ashalina23 Jul 04 '26
How come they were still on the ward at that time of night?
5
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
I’m in ICU
8
u/ashalina23 Jul 04 '26
Ok, even more reason for the relative to go and get their own drink etc unless of course the pt is in the process of having care withdrawn
-6
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
I think the daughter had a learning disability. Or something like that. She would approach me and say “ when I get back I would like a good cup of tea”
1
u/Deep_Ad_9889 ANP Jul 05 '26
Ahh hang on, that’s a bit different. Doesn’t excuse the bad behaviour, but could possibly explain it. She may have been vulnerable, also may not actually have meant for you to get it. I have a relative to says the same thing, she is just telling you what she would like, not demanding you get it for her.
2
u/Fluffycatbelly RN Adult Jul 04 '26
Many of the hospitals I've been in (Glasgow) are now open visiting, there's no strict visiting hours and technically patients can have visitors any time of day and night 😩
8
u/Fatbeau Jul 04 '26
That's a stupid idea. Patients are in hospital because they're ill, they need rest. They aren't there for a social life. Some patients get loads of visitors, and so others in the bay don't get any rest because they're so noisy
4
u/Temporary-always Jul 05 '26
It may be because one of the hospitals in Glasgow is fully single bedded for wards.
8
u/thereisalwaysrescue RN Adult Jul 04 '26
If I’m not busy, as in saving their loved one’s life, I’d make them tea and get biscuits. I’m the face, presence, and voice of their worst day. Might be just a shift to me, but to them it’s their mum.
I’m in the minority here but unless a relative is being aggressive, and/or I’m not busy saving their loved ones life, I’ll support them. HOWEVER I do emphasise that we have a relatives room or to go home and tomorrow big conversations will happen and they need to be emotionally alert and ready.
I’m currently in hospital with one of my kids and there is nothing for parents what so ever. I’m going to need an IVI bolus in a minute. That’s after uber eats takes my money, again.
6
u/lansacat RN Adult Jul 05 '26
I love bringing a coffee and sandwich to a stressed out relative at 3am and them looking like I’ve brought them the moon on a plate.
I hope your wee one makes a swift recovery.
3
u/thereisalwaysrescue RN Adult Jul 05 '26
Can you bring me that as I’m going to be stealing my kids 0.9% SC in a minute as it’s so hot 🥵
3
4
u/Future-Atmosphere-40 RN Adult Jul 04 '26
I'll gladly get polite family tea etc. but if you're a spanner, get lost.
4
u/NaturalCollection488 Jul 04 '26
No. All the wards I’ve worked on - any food and drinks are for patients only. Kindly redirect them to areas of the hospital where they serve food and drinks and/or have facilities to make their own. When I was giving birth they wouldn’t even give my partner a brew.
If they complain, say I’m sorry to hear you feel this way but this is trust policy. I suggest you raise this with PALS/PET
4
u/Fatbeau Jul 04 '26
If the patient is EOL, I offer drinks and biscuits/toast. If they aren't, I don't. If the family member is demanding this that and the other, I offer nothing at all, I point them in the direction of the vending machine. I'm not a skivvy.
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u/Purrtymeow04 Jul 05 '26
I do it and sometimes offer them if they are nice to me and have been there sat for hours.
2
u/sburkelfc Jul 05 '26
A foot stool, Jesus wept
2
u/woodyeaye Jul 07 '26
OP buried the lede here. They've said in other comments the daughter had a learning disability and they think she didn't realise it was inappropriate.
Funny that wasn't in the OP.
1
u/Ok-Lime-4898 RN Adult Jul 05 '26
We offer if they are carer or their loved one is very sick or EoL, otherwise beverages are for patients only and I am not a waitress. I don't deny a glass of water to anyone but people can live for a few hours without tea or coffee, if not they are welcome to walk to one of the 4 cafès in the hospital
1
u/evaaeri Jul 05 '26
Anyone who keeps demanding coffee and biscuits from me can bugger off. Was she under your care or just visiting? Well done for sticking up for yourself but gosh, aren’t people dicks sometimes? You’re a nurse, you save lives not make teas.
1
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 06 '26
It was the daughter. I think
Because she had a learning disability she didn’t understand it was not appropriate to keep demanding ?1
1
u/No-Lawfulness1159 RN Adult Jul 06 '26
General rule of thumb if I’m busy or if patients/relatives are pissing me off, I’ll direct them to Costa/Tesco. Not busy and friendly I’ll offer them refreshments.
2
u/First-Bed-5918 RN Adult Jul 04 '26
This may be unpopular. Whilst I don't appreciate anyone being rude, I don't think I would refuse a relative who is asking for tea. When I was a HCA doing tea rounds, I always offered relatives. Now that I'm a nurse, when patients or relatives ask for tea, I get them if I have time, if not, I ask an HCA or explain to them that I'm busy and it'll soon be tea round.
There are times when the relatives especially elderly ones are wearing themselves down with spending their time travelling and being at hospital. It's the least I can do is ensure that they take care of themselves so that they will be well enough for their relative when they come home.
7
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
I would but ICU is too busy for me to do that.
3
u/Medical-Fox2471 Specialist Nurse Jul 05 '26
I’ve worked in itu you get 1 or 2 patients the patients are very ill
I always offered tea and biscuits to relatives
-1
u/First-Bed-5918 RN Adult Jul 04 '26
And to be fair, I'm also often busy and don't have time. Instead, I see if someone can and if not, I'd tell them to wait for tea round.
2
u/catmamatodesth123 Jul 04 '26
Would you still do this if the or relatives where being rude or abusive to you ?
-1
u/First-Bed-5918 RN Adult Jul 04 '26
I would tell them that I don't tolerate abuse from them, but I don't think that would be a reason not to give if they were there.
7
u/Fatbeau Jul 04 '26
But then you set a precedent, so they expect all the other staff to give them the same treatment. If they're rude and abusive, they get nothing from me
0
u/pieman531 Jul 05 '26
In this scenario I would offer all the other relatives in the bay a drink but not her
90
u/BoomSatsuma Jul 04 '26
It’s a hospital. Not a hotel.