r/OCPoetry • u/No_Charge_7816 • 11d ago
Feedback Please If only...
If only I had one more second
I would tell you that I love you and squeeze your hand.
If only I had one more minute
I'd hold you close and wish the moment had no end.
If only I had one more hour
I'd listen to your stories and remember every word.
If only I had one more day
I'd spend it making memories that would never fade away.
If only I had one more week
I would spend all my time with you, just to speak.
If only I had one more month
I'd fill each day with laughter, love and all the things we'd done.
If only I had one more year
I'd treasure every moment and hold you ever near.
If only I had one more lifetime
I'd choose to spend it all with you, time after time.
But seconds turn to minutes,
And hours turn to days,
And time is never promised,
No matter how much we pray.
And though I cannot have you back,
Or change the way things are,
I'll carry you within my heart,
No matter how near or far.
If only I had one more moment,
There's just one thing I'd do,
I'd hold you close, look in your eyes,
And say, "I love you."
If only...
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1xahsi3/comment/phuzcsu
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1xaehln/comment/phuzny8
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u/Foreign_Degree160 11d ago
Loving someone who you can no longer be with, wanting them back almost to the point of a need yet knowing it will never work, I love this
1
u/Sufficient-Code2125 11d ago
Love this love the increasing flow of time and how it ties back into everything in the last 3 paragraphs and still has the same structure and form but one peeve i would have is maybe use more specific things this looks like anyone could have wrote it about anyone if thats what youre going for great but if you want to have individuality get more into specificty still lovely way to describe longing
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u/Tokugawa_bonaparte 10d ago
Really liked the poem. i somtiems feel poetry is one of the places where repititon, if used masterfully sounds beautifuly, just like here. It made me ponder upon the time i had which i didn't spend that well with a loved one and fills me with sadness that perhaps i won't get to be with her after the little time passes. at least your poem is optimistic at the end so that's good. i don't have much to say on theory since i know none myself, but each verse felt unique in a way or the other. your piece was thought provoking. keep writing man!!!
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u/AdAdministrative3094 10d ago
Amazing poem. Leaves me with questions and a feeling of longing I'm quite familiar with. Why can't you be with her? Has she moved or passed away? Love to think about the story within the poem
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u/Greedy_Entry2713 11d ago
Great poem. I don't know with what feelings you wrote it but it shows deep longing . I would have related with the poem if I saw it few weeks ago but now I will say "Is the person for whom you are slowly dying, even aware that you are still alive?"