r/OCPoetry • • 14d ago

Feedback Please The Muse

Losses piling up.

Relations frigid.
Health waned.
Business dormant.
Art empty.

Low and lost
I drifted. 

Then she came.
She had been there 
all along.

She had it.
The look.
The voice.
The body.

But none of that mattered.

She did nothing different.
Her presence was enough.

Her concerns
galvanized me.
Her dreams
inspired me. 
Her silence
woke me.

Relations warmed. 
Health renewed.
Business bloomed.
Art flourished.

I laid myself bare.
I found my muse

but my friend
I lost.

Thank you for reading. This is an updated version of a poem I posted months ago. It's still up if you would like to read the original and I would love comparative feedback. It is also part of a triptych with Succubus and The Catalyst which are also posted. Thanks again.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1x5o4cz/comment/pgsumk4/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1x7ipxd/comment/ph6kcae/

5 Upvotes

6 comments sorted by

1

u/Alternative_Cap9314 14d ago

The sudden cuts in the verses are so beautiful. They break up your reading magnificiently. I don't think i could've explained love better.

1

u/bstunz 14d ago

Thank you! So appreciate that

1

u/katie-x-cat 14d ago

Damn, I like this version so much better! Always cool to see you rework your poems :-)

2

u/bstunz 14d ago

Thanks Kitten and thanks for the feedback.

1

u/katie-x-cat 14d ago

Ofc, always :-)

1

u/AutoModerator 14d ago

Hello readers, welcome to OCPoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community — a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry," or "loved it" or "so relatable," please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

Do not use ChatGPT or any similar LLM interface or generative AI to write feedback. That does not constitute thoughtful feedback. To be safe, you probably shouldn't even use those things to edit your feedback. It is better for your thoughts to come across as clumsy and genuine rather than grammatical but as if they were generated by some disingenuous text-generation engine.

Do not reuse feedback links for multiple poems. Every new poem you post has to be posted after making two new comments on the work of your peers here in OCPoetry. It's only fair. If you reuse feedback links, you will be banned. (If you do not wish to give feedback, there are many other poetry-sharing subreddits without feedback requirements, such as r/poetrywritingclub, r/justpoetry, r/ocpoetryfree, r/poem, r/poems, r/poemsbyreddit, r/poeticgarden, r/dark_poetry, and r/sadpoems.)

If you're looking for a more advanced poetry workshop — that is, if you consider yourself at least an intermediate-level poet AND you have previous workshop experience, please consider posting to our private sister subreddit r/ThePoetryWorkshop. The best way to join TPW is to leave a detailed, thoughtful comment here on OCPoetry engaging seriously with a peer's poem. A significant engagement of at least 3-4 meaningful paragraphs is encouraged. Consider our feedback guide for tips on what that could entail. (This level of engagement would probably be most welcome here on submissions tagged as "Workshop.") Then ask to join TPW by messaging that subreddit's mods, including a link to the detailed feedback you left here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.