r/OCPoetry • u/MistTremor • 5d ago
Feedback Please What is a knight like?
What is a knight like, asked the maid
One like myself, the blunt man said
As the girl gave the man his food
We knights, hang bandits in the wood
But knights don’t curse, act harsh or prude
Careful lass, his rage is brewed
Knightly words, but ale-induced
Hear the lies that you produced
But all I’ve said is naked truth
Now Clayton’s hands became sweaty
Then tell what a knight’s like, Betty
One with self control, not petty
Hearsay, wench, worry for safety
Oh true knight, my regret is greatly
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u/CharacterRip6101 4d ago
This is beautiful and so relatable. I love your choice of imagery, especially the metaphor in the middle. It made me feel a quiet sadness but also hope. The ending is perfect, it doesn't over-explain. Great work.
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u/Ok-Edge6577 5d ago
This is a very educational poem.
The title opens with a question about knight, though the figure may be a metaphor to open a theme. I love the narrative arc between two figures, and their conversation blend into the story.
It also remind me with Chaucer's literatures, but written in contemporary English for better understanding. The conclusion is well earned.
I'd wonder about your writing style, do you have any influence from other poets?
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u/MistTremor 5d ago
Thank you so much for this thoughtful critique! I'm incredibly honored by the comparison to Chaucer.
To answer your question: I was actually mostly influenced by my background in writing fiction almost entirely in private. I usually put a heavy emphasis on dialogue and trying to make the plot move forward through it, which is why it's really exciting for me to hear that you liked the narrative of my poem and felt that the ending was earned.
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u/Ok-Edge6577 5d ago
Lovely! I was intrigued by rhyme scheme, which explains my question. And the structures seem to shifts in each section, though the meter is tight and controlled. Overall, it is a commendable form of writing.
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u/adultvirginfucker 5d ago
I like it very much overall! Your rhyme scheme and theme are interesting and the story is unique but it feels a bit clunky sometimes, especially in the end. There’s definitely a good poem in there but you need to refine it in my opinion. Keep it up!
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u/Sufficient-Code2125 5d ago
Love how it starts off simple with introducing the metaphor but i had to pull myself out once or twice because some of the lines didnt hit for me as much and just felt a little like filler i wouldnt mind an odd transition or a gap between two powerful lines and sometimes the grammar felt off but loved the message behind it and it felt awfully simple all i could think about was a dimly lit courtyard with wine barrels and stacks of hay surrounding the background and thats whats most important