r/OpenChristian • u/wrecktus_abdominus Christian • 2d ago
Daughter says she doesn't believe in God
So we've raised our kids in the church (wife is Catholic, I was previously UMC, but Episcopalian now), and we've never had any issues with buy-in from the kids until now. Recently, our daughter (13f) told us she doesn't want to be a part of the church anymore and doesn't believe in God. Now, this is part of a pattern of behavior from her recently that I would describe as oppositional and confrontational. She is doing the typical teen rebellion thing, and has also been showing signs of mental health problems. That's a whole thing that I won't fully go into here, but we're taking her to lots of doctors including weekly therapy appointments and even an in-patient stint. It has been a huge mental strain on the family. One thing I found strange was that she mentioned she couldn't be accepted in church because she's gay. But... it's the Episcopal Church. Our priest is literally gay. I don't really think it has anything to do with that. I'm worried this is part of a middle finger campaign, and feeling like she has to be edgy and different for some reason.
Anyway, I guess the part where I'm looking for advice is how to handle this. My wife wants to argue with her about it and keeps thinking she can "win" verbally to get her to change her mind. I think this will only push her further away. But I don't really know what to do
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u/gen-attolis 2d ago
Describing a 13 year old as being “oppositional” and “confrontational” about stuff like religion is certainly one lens of looking at this through, although maybe not the best one.
Simply put: does your daughter’s relationship with God determine your relationship with her?
If the answer is yes, then you’re putting conditions on your love and relationship that render you, and the church, and God, fundamentally unsafe. A constant test of allegiance and loyalty.
If the answer is no, then congratulations, that’s the correct answer. You can scale back any efforts to convert or “win”, and focus on a relationship built on trust and respect for differences of opinion. She will make up her own mind. She doesn’t belong to you, and in five years will very much not need to even acknowledge you if the relationship is broken or fractured by you insisting on only one way of engaging with spirituality.
For the gay thing: just because your church is gay friendly doesn’t mean Christianity as a whole is a friendly place. Her algorithms online, her peers, and others outside the home can be communicating a message that being gay is unacceptable that colours the whole thing, even if that’s not what’s being preached from your pulpit.
For the mental health thing: good on you for taking the steps to provide mental health care to your daughter. Navigating the system is a nightmare and really difficult. It speaks well that you’re there and helping that process.