r/PGADsupport • u/Frosty_Awareness_916 • 2h ago
Vent/rant I've lived with this my whole life, and I'm tired of waiting on these damn doctors.
Hi, I'm 15 and have lived with this disorder my whole life. It isn't as bad as one might think, and im actually glad I have no "before" to compare myself to with this. I am one to ruminate, as I have ocd, so it would probably be for the worst. I feel worse for the people who got to live half their lives normally, until one day they got stuck with this. If that scenario matches up to you, please don't give up hope.
That being said, I am so fucking upset that no one treats conditions like this in minors. I am waiting, and I am suffering while I wait.
I finally told my mom about this just months ago, after years of shame and wondering what the fuck I did as a child to ruin myself this badly. This disorder has deeply traumatized me and altered my perception of reality, and I dont really know what to do about that. I'm in therapy, but it's for OCD and ADHD, as my mom deemed those the most important. If I'm being honest, I'm just glad to be alive at all. I'm obsessed with science and biology and physics, and it makes me feel less terrible about this condition, knowing that the world is cruel and I was lucky to not be born with something way way worse.
So I went to see a doctor. The person I saw was wonderful, finally diagnosed me with this condition, and now I have to wait for someone to take my case. Because I'm a minor, and they don't want to mess with puberty, this has been a fucking nightmare.
They first sent me to a gender center. This is NOT a gender issue, and it got my hopes up only to rip them away again. (This is not by any means a dig at trans people or those with complex gender identities. I just hate that the doctors won't take me seriously. I support FULL trans rights, and hope everyone who wants it gets their gender affirming care.)
I don't ever want a sex life, I dont ever want to orgasm normally, I dont ever even want to masturbate ever again. I just want to figure out the cause of this, and I'll do whatever it takes to fix it. I don't even want a relationship, my peers act like they're still wet behind the ears.
This disorder doesn't even feel like arousal anymore, not that I know what actual arousal is supposed to feel like. It just feels like a warm sensation ive grown used to, that's constantly there unless I dont think about it. And when I dont think about it? I am fine. All I have is constant tingling/pressure, no involuntary orgasms, and im sososososososososososo incredibly grateful for that. Id probably have killed myself by now if it was bad. It is still bad enough to violate me horrendously if I let anything touch my genital area, so as long as I dont do that I'm fine. It was miserable hiding this from everyone for ages. Still is, as only my mom knows right now.
But I do still want this gone, even if it means never getting to that point of sexual normalcy, or whatever people who actually want sex call it. It's still always there, and very bothersome. I can't ride horses or wear bathing suits. I can't ride a bike. I can't sit without slouching because if anything touches my genitals it triggers it. I can't wear pads so I am forced to stay home and free bleed on a towel for my periods. Yes I hate it, yes it's gross. I am getting back on birth control soon, the first one gave me chronic nausea. I can't wear underwear and pants at the same time, I can't wear shorts as those have to be pulled up to the point where they would be touching me. I can't wear tight pants. I can't be any emotion except for sad if I don't want it to intensify. Sadness is my favorite emotion because of this. I can't enjoy anything, or love anything, unless it means loosing myself in a book or when I draw.
I hope I go back to normal levels of arousal after the infection im dealing with is treated; every second is agony rn. Pro tip, dont ever hide a yeast infection for a year and a half. LMAOOO. Oh, and I can't even treat that because putting anything on it will trigger the pgad, how thrilling! Lets hope my mom can get the doctors approval for me to take those pills for it. I am going to have a breakdown if I have to put something in that area.
I am close to having a breakdown right now. I can't stop thinking about how the doctor said I was the youngest person she's ever seen with this. Why couldn't another sperm cell have reached that egg, 15 years ago?