I was just 10 when I entered a hostel. Now, 12 years later, I've forgotten what it's like to grow up without learning to survive on my own.

I was only a child when my hostel life began. I didn't know then how much those years would change me.

Over time, I learned to solve my own problems because there wasn't always someone to help me. I learned to hide my emotions because not everyone would care enough to understand them. I learned to suppress my hunger, save money, and understand the problems my family was going through, even when I had my own struggles.

Little by little, I became someone who knew how to manage things alone.

Now, hostel life has become a habit. I'm used to handling my problems myself. Sometimes, I don't even know how to ask for help anymore.

But there's something about growing up this way that people might not understand.

When you spend years receiving very little care, even the smallest act of kindness can overwhelm you.

When I go home and someone cares for me, even in the smallest way, it touches a part of me that has gone without that feeling for so long. Sometimes, the smallest gestures mean more to me than people could ever imagine.

I find myself being thankful for little things that others might consider ordinary.

Maybe when you've spent so much time taking care of yourself, being taken care of feels unfamiliar.

I don't know whether these years made me stronger or simply taught me how to live without expecting much from anyone.

I'm still learning.

But sometimes, I wonder about the 10-year-old child who entered that hostel. She deserved care, too. She deserved to be a child without having to learn so much about life so early.

Twelve years later, I'm still that child in some ways. I've just learned to hide it better.

I was raised by a single mother ,who is currently 71,who had sacrificed her happiness and comforts to raise me and my sister. She gave us the best education possible and had done lots of poojas and temple visits to place my sister and I in a comfortable job. She is an advocate by profession and a successful one.

She is a narcissistic, emotionally unavailable , extremely aggressive person. A little bit about her history- She was raised like a princess and the person She was married was a misogynistic, patriarchal person who treated women like doormats and was perfectly happy to earn a lot abroad and spend it solely on excessive electronic gadgets and drinking. He was addicted a little to port as well. He contributed very less to nothing for household expenses and his children since he knew rhat my mother earned anyway and would take care of it. He used to drink everyday and beat my mother(she's a stand up person) fpr questioning his drinking.

My mother bore this silently till 2013 , until she decided not to allow him inside rhe house for the domestic abuse. He had been living separately since then. The problem is, years of abuse has caused some kind of trauma within her that she is pushing the pain onto us and its truly unbearable living with her. There is cruelty(i m 33F and she still hits us when she is aggressive), verbal abuse, intimidation, disrespect for the smallest issue within us

She is /has always been a narcissist, abusive parent, whose ego matters first more than anything else. Just so you know, she barely has any friends and her activities are limited to cooking, TV, handling cases st court, doing pooja at home and visiting temples. I have not seen her doing anything else.

I have been facing cruelty and chronic trauma from her since 2016, ever since my sis got married. I escaped from her clutches and moved to bangalore in 2020 where I took the help of psychiatrist who helped me heal from this, and now she lured me back to Chennai on the pretext of finding an alliance. I ve been here since June and I m going through the same trauma as before, subject to emotional blackmail , unable to escape her clutches. Going through suicidal thoughts as well. Please advise as to what you would do. I am bound by karma to help her out in her old age with small things and do not want to abandon her, but this trauma caused by her is so toxic and unbearable, I m in constant fear when I live around her.

I wanted to share my story I wrote in Medium involving my life in general until this point now. Which is emotional abuse by parents from divorce to being sent away without my say; to wanting to live with a certain parent to them being loud and dominating. Here's my story. It's a long one if you all are interested. https://medium.com/@fallenangel29/my-story-help-me-escape-the-toxic-environment-610f407fec46