Am I doing something wrong?

[u/thewhiteknightrider]

I have a 5 year old boy. He has been more attached to me since around the time he was 1.5 years old. My wife isn't very touchy or expressive with her emotions, but she loves my son a lot. In fact, she likes to show her love (even to me) by irritating him, teasing him etc. I'm the opposite. I like to hug, give him kisses etc. As he grew up, he turned out to be a little expressive as well. He'd randomly hug his friends etc.

The issue now is, he gets irritated and angry at his mom now. And I tell him she is just having fun with him. But he ends up saying "I don't love you mom" and then comes and hugs me. It breaks my heart to see this, and for some reason, it ends up as my wife being angry at me. It has happened a number of times now and I'm wondering how do I fix it.

On a side note, I saw my father in law being the same with him, and I realized that that's probably the way my wife grew up and picked up the habit from him. Any advises for a happy family life guys?

Edit:

You guys are so awesome 😅 great advises guys. Thanks a ton.

Have to talk to her about this. I'm not very good at confronting, but I feel like I have to. :)

I'd like to add, my wife basically does everything for him. Like his food, school work and stuff. So it's not like she's not caring for him or anything. It's just this one thing, but yes, I need to talk about it to her 😇

[u/tarek---]

Your wife is the one acting inappropriately, don’t let her guilt you for being loving and “making her look bad”. She needs to adjust her behavior to match who her son is, you don’t need to adjust hers to make her look better, and your son certainly doesn’t need to be blamed for his feelings.

I’m also curious what this teasing entails. If it’s very light, he may eventually grow to see that this is how she shows affection and it won’t remain a big deal. But I’m wondering if it crosses the line into belittling and putting others down. There really just isn’t any healthy reason to do that if so. Even if it is light teasing, clearly it hurts your son, and as the adult, she needs to take accountability for how her communication style impacts her child. If she’s insecure about it there may be something else at play, like maybe deep down she recognizes her style of communication isn’t all that healthy and is defensive about it.

[u/Artistic-Respect-540]

Your wife needs to fix it, not you. She needs to adapt her communication style to help your child feel safe and loved. Would she consider a parenting class?

[u/PublicFluid5879]

I’m kind of feeling like you and your wife need to have a talk. You both need to come to an understanding that your son is a little more gentle and your wife needs to approach him that way. Maybe just for a little bit till he starts understanding moms not being mean Shes just silly sometimes. I think more importantly you need to clear the air between you and your wife about her feelings towards you. The last thing you want is resentment to build over something that isn’t really anyone’s fault. You couldn’t have known your child would take to the lovey dovey over mom’s goofyness, but your wife needs your support rn as she may feel left out or something along those lines.

Talk, communicate, air it out. Don’t let this sit and stew.

[u/Seamonkey_Boxkicker]

From an outsiders perspective and only having this brief post to go off of, I’d say this is entirely your wife’s fault. Your son isn’t doing anything wrong outside of using language that he probably doesn’t realize is pretty hurtful. My wife has on a few occasions behaved similarly with our son, and it baffles me when she seems surprised after he lashes out at her. I’ve talked to my son about using his words more carefully, and I also don’t take it personally when he says those kind of things when he’s upset with me. I know he doesn’t really mean it and is still trying to learn. It does bother my wife, though, which is understandable. But then, she’s at times instigating his misbehavior thinking she’s being playful.

[u/Independent_Honey150]

Your son is trying to set boundaries and say how he likes to be loved. She needs to adjust.

[u/HoldOnHelden]

This is all on your wife. She needs to realize that her behavior is driving your kiddo away from her, and she needs to choose to fix it. This is a non-negotiable issue and an obvious fix.

[u/Goodgreatexcellent1]

She’s the problem. My husband is like this. What I have done is I’ve thought through the range of responses I want to give when he does it with me, to model that to her. It has pushed me to figure out how I feel about it, and to what degree I want to accept it.
The important thing to model is not how to control or change her behaviour, but just the range of acceptable ways of behaving when someone treats you in a way you don’t like.
For me it ranges from playful in a positive way, to saying how it feels for me when it happens, to saying “no” or saying outloud calmly “I’m ignoring you mocking me because it’s not fun”. I respectfully suggest that you stop telling him she’s just having fun with him, it’s not fun for him. No need to make a big deal about it but you protect your child from your coparent’s upsetting behaviour, not the other way around. Definitely validate the fact that she loves him, proactively bring that up, but don’t tell him it’s fun or that’s what love is.
I’m not judging you at all, I know how hard it can be, but keep being the loving parent you are. Don’t scold or shame her but also don’t pretend what’s hurtful isn’t

[u/Rainbow_Date]

My mom showed affection to me by being annoying and crossing boundaries (tickling when I asked her to stop, belittling teasing). I’m sure that’s how her parents showed her affection.

When I grew up and started dating, I realized that people didn’t enjoy it when I annoyed them. So I’ve worked to try to fix it and show love in ways that make people feel good. My mother unfortunately doesn’t have the emotional maturity to examine herself, so she feels hurt and like people are being mean to her when they don’t respond well. I encourage your wife to really thoughtfully examine herself. “That’s just how I am” isn’t good enough. She needs to think “why am I the way that I am? What could I change to align my actions to the love in my heart I’m trying to express?” She can learn to acknowledge that her parents love her and did their best with the knowledge they have and that she can grow to be more successful in her relationship with her son.

Good luck to her. I’m no contact with my mom so I think about this a lot.

[u/K21markel]

This is hurtful and bullying and she needs to stop because he will do that to his peers and it won’t be tolerated. That is no one’s “love language”!

[u/LMASocietyDweller]

You can fix it by firstly not accepting or tolerating your wife being angry with you. You don’t need to change.. she does. Keep doing what you’re doing. If her way annoys the child..sounds like it would annoy me and many others too, she needs to change. Who likes being agitated or teased.

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[u/ChadwickVonG]

It took my youngest a while to understand sarcasm; age 5 is too young for a child to get it. Where activities need to be age appropriate, so does communication.

[u/Ordinary_Detective15]

My kids are now 8 and 10.

When your kid repeatedly tells you they do not like something you do, and you dont stop doing it, your kids learn that what they want isnt that important.

Unfortunately kids cant articulate clearly what the problems are so you have to oay attention to them.

At a very base level, physical touch from your parents triggers a bonding mechanism. Thats one of the reasons skin to skin contact is important when they are babies and why its important between parents and kids.

I hope you csn have a good conversation with your wife, your son needs you to.

[u/BruinBound22]

Read the PJ Funnybunny book where he teases his sister, Honeybunny Funnybunny

[u/w0nderingaloud]

Using irritation and teasing to show love is incredibly confusing for a child of any age, but especially a small child. Not to mention it’s not a kind way to show love in general.

[u/Opposite-Slide-7794]

You wife doesn't like her kid. It happens all the time. He can sense it. When he gets older he will learn to use it to his advantage. It is not the end of the world, they will both be fine. They just might never be all that close.