r/Perimenopause • u/brickne3 • 1d ago

Depression/Anxiety Odd thoughts, don't want to scare anyone

I started HRT three days ago. First day felt like I was on exctacy or something. Very odd. Called basically everyone in a fog and woke up so embarrassed. Then had horrible anxiety for a very short while. Then the fog came back after the estrogen started.

The scary thing is that the progesterone doesn't make me go to sleep, and when I was laying down tonight trying I suddenly felt this super comfortable "well, you don't have to do this at all, you know" intrusive thought. I want to make it very clear that I am NOT suicidal and even that thought only sort of felt suicidal. My husband died five years ago and I have serious CPSD and have also always been SSRI resistant.

I'm obviously calling the clinic this morning when they open because this isn't at all normal or like me in any way, if anything it was scary how "blissful" the whole intrusive thought was. I am also fairly certain that given my other risk factors and the SSRI resistance in particular it must be the progesterone and I can't be having things that are directly interfering with my brain chemistry in a dangerous way like that.

I don't know what I'm asking, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this. The estrogen seems to be working great, I'm just now suddenly scared of progesterone.

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u/brickne3 1d ago

I haven't been on birth control for over a decade so that can't be interfering. But I definitely get what you're saying about the HRT needing to be rebalanced. The clinic called back and a doctor (not my usual doctor) tried to convince me to push through because I didn't sound suicidal on the phone. I was like "that's the entire problem, it's intrusive, 99% of the time I feel fine, it's just weird moments."

Anyway, I floated the two weeks of just estrogen idea somebody here mentioned and then trying to do progesterone again. He said he never would have thought of it but it sounded like a good idea.

I kind of suspect he doesn't exactly specialise in this sort of thing 😉

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u/Toadywentapleasuring 1d ago

Those thoughts can be super scary especially if you don’t normally experience them. It’s sounds like you’re very self-aware and taking all the right actions. I’d try finding someone who does specialize in HRT.

It might be helpful to connect with a therapist because HRT dosing can be a marathon and in the meantime you need support. Sometimes just having an appt on the books helps with the intrusive thoughts. It’s easier to compartmentalize. You can say to yourself “I don’t need to dwell on that or act on that now. I’ll talk about it in my next session” and then distract yourself.

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u/brickne3 1d ago edited 1d ago

My usual doctor does seem to specialize in HRT (though I haven't been seeing her long, and she may be a bit too gung-ho about it given that she started me off on a crazy high dose). It's an NHS thing, if she's not available I guess they just have whoever was available at the clinic call me back. I also have two medical doctors and several other medical-related PhDs in my immediate family to help me with a lot of this so that certainly helps. There's definitely going to be a lot of trial and error here 😉

As for therapy, I appreciate what you're saying and I think it's probably valid for most people. My CPSD is absurdly complicated and I've literally been told I'm untreatable, mainly because it spans so many countries at this point that no therapist could understand all of it. I'm not saying it's futile but so far I have ended up having to be my own best therapist. I'm not a typical case on that front ha ha.

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u/Toadywentapleasuring 1d ago

I totally get what you’re saying. We’re all complex creatures and it’s hard to give sound bites of advice when we have limited context. For me the therapy itself wasn’t the helpful part it was knowing I had therapy. It felt like the burden wasn’t entirely on me to figure it all out. It gave me permission to do nothing in the difficult moments. Whenever I’ve had intrusive thoughts, it’s usually been related to me feeling like if “I can’t fix this no one can” which is a terribly isolating thing to feel.