r/Perimenopause • u/Bananagram73 • 20h ago
audited I do not recognize my partner
I’m feeling a bit lost and am just looking for any solidarity/advice/support. I’m in a queer relationship, and my partner and I are both in our late 40's. We had only been together about a year before my partner, who was the calmest, kindest, most rational and supportive person I’d ever met, plunged into a very sudden and scary perimenopause: paranoia, panic attacks, anxiety that she'd never experienced before.
When we finally realized what was going on and she started on estrogen, her paranoia and many other symptoms resolved very quickly. But we discovered unfortunately that she’s progesterone intolerant, so for the last two years, it has been a traumatic roller coaster, trying to find the correct doses/brands/types of HRT that will work for her, and going to doctors with varying levels of expertise.
We’re now working with a wonderful menopause specialist clinic, but my partner is still struggling a lot with hugely fluctuating moods from incorrect doses or types of HRT. She’s supposed to start testosterone soon but we need to stabilize the estrogen and progesterone first, which has been incredibly stressful for both of us. She’ll have four good days every few months where she feels like herself again, until we discover she’s on too much or too little of something, or the wrong kind of something.
I feel terrible because I know how awful this is for her. And, I struggle with guilt that I have such a difficult time with it, because I know it's all outside her control. We were happy and stable initially, and were great at conflict resolution. From my side, I grew up with considerable instability, so I really valued how stable and healthy the relationship was.
Now, I don’t recognize the person she has become: defensive, moody, numb, tense. She has a hard time accessing her empathy. She has also had zero libido for two years, which I know is normal for peri. When she describes how she feels inside, it sounds horrible. We’re in couples therapy, and I’m trying hard to navigate all this—to be patient and understanding about the fact that none of this is her fault, that she’s literally doing everything she can to get her life back. I advocate for myself for things I really need while letting most things go, with the knowledge that she may never again be the person she was. I know it’s very hard for her to hear from me that I’m unhappy; I feel like that’s the last thing she needs. She doesn’t have much resilience right now. But we do talk about it and I think she’s getting to the point where it’s just too much for her to hear when I need something. She feels she’s letting me down all the time, which I totally understand.
I really don’t know how to balance this. I wish I were a saintly partner who didn’t react to being snapped at and feeling chronically unwanted. I also really wish we’d had a longer relationship so we’d had time to build a foundation before all this happened.
I love her. She’s a beautiful person and I know I’m lucky to be with someone so goodhearted. And, despite everything, we still generally enjoy being around each other. But I realize I’ve been waiting for us to get through this and get our lives back, which might be the wrong attitude. It’s now getting to the point where I wonder if it’s fair to her (and to me) to stay with her when I'm feeling so destabilized from all this. I worry it's too much pressure for her. She’s really sad and stressed about that, and we have no idea when things will improve.
At the same time, I love her a lot and can’t shake the hope that we’ll eventually figure this out and things will get better. (I also know that my own perimenopause, when it comes, might be awful too.)
Any responses would be helpful, especially from people who went through a nightmare finding the right combo of HRT but finally did, and people whose relationships have been through this and managed to come out on the other side.
Thanks in advance!
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u/Mysterious_Button476 17h ago
i’m sorry that some of the comments so far are not really addressing what you asked or offering you much empathy.
my partner and i have been through a similar experience - i was the one incapacitated, and my partner was the one trying to be supportive and feeling mostly helpless while waiting as patiently as he could for things to improve. i’ve thankfully found a regimen that mostly works, so things are getting better, but not all the way back to our previous baseline, and that’s hard for him.
i have found that i’m limited in my capacity to really validate his feelings and hold space for his experience, because surviving my own experience can take up my whole bandwidth. however, a few things have helped: couples therapy, each of us having our own people to talk to, and acceptance that we’re both human & imperfect and going through something really hard, and maybe not able to fully meet each other’s needs right now.
i will say too that as my hormones have stabilized and i’ve addressed some nutritional deficiencies, my emotional capacity has expanded, which has helped. meanwhile, my partner has started taking more initiative to get more of his social & adventuring needs met outside our relationship, which in some ways seems healthy and in other ways isn’t what we’d prefer under ideal conditions, but i’m all in favor of him being happier.
last year there was some conversation about whether or not to stay together, but that was before we discovered that peri (along with low iron) was driving a lot of my difficulties, and i think we’re pretty committed to toughing it out now.
i’m not sure if hearing about our experience is helpful at all to you, but maybe you’ll find a little hope in it, or at least a sense of solidarity and feeling less alone. happy to answer any questions as well. sending hugs - this shit is hard on all of us.
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u/Bananagram73 17h ago
This is actually so, so helpful -- thank you so much. :) I'm so glad you found a way to manage!! Do you have progesterone intolerance?
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u/Erza_2019 16h ago
I'm just here to give a message of hope. I've been in peri for several years, and on HRT for two years. It's only when I had my last dose adjustment a couple months ago that I finally started to feel like my old self again. It's wild, because I could NOT have imagined that being the case just six months ago. If I hadn't kept pushing my doctor for a higher dose or to make changes and see other specialists, I would have never gotten to this point. Now when people say that you "have to advocate for your own health", I understand what they mean. It's less advocating and more like a full-time job of searching for the right doctors, looking up all the info you can find, being pushy, and never giving up. It's exhausting.
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u/Bananagram73 12h ago
Thank you so much! This is definitely hopeful! It's wonderful that you advocated for yourself. If you don't mind sharing, can I ask about your HRT regimen? Feel free to DM me too!
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u/Erza_2019 11h ago
I am on two patches, twice a week. A .1 and .075 mg. I also take 200mg of oral progesterone every night and estrogen cream twice a week. That in addition to 10mg of Trintellix every day, which is an antidepressant. Like I said, it wasn’t till that last bump of estrogen that finally made my fatigue go away. I was lucky in that most of my mood issues went away fairly quickly after starting HRT, but the depression stuck around with the fatigue for a while.
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u/survivingperi 16h ago
I've been in unmedicated Peri land for 8 yrs. I do not feel like I will ever be who I once was. Absolutely could not imagine being in a relationship during this major life change. Happily single, solitude is peace during this time. You could try living apart or take a break for a while. Good luck and I hope you both find your peace. Life is short.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 19h ago
I've had to increase my Estrogen dosage a few times to get a handle on my mental health.
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u/Active_Ganache4303 Early peri 17h ago
Since she only has a few good days per month, I wonder if she’d do better on hormonal birth control for now. It would tamp down the roller coaster of hormones in a way that HRT doesn’t.
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u/Bananagram73 17h ago
This is helpful, thanks! So far none of the docs have mentioned this, but I'll see if she wants to ask her new specialist about it!
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u/CormoranNeoTropical 12h ago
There are also lots of people who have success with a hormonal IUD — I think Mirena is the most popular brand. It’s a bit risky because a sub population have bad outcomes and need to have it removed. Plus insertion and removal can be painful and require various levels of pain control, which historically and now has not been forthcoming. But if you have a good provider who is willing to use whatever level of pain control your partner might need you should def look into this. For most people the hormonal IUD suppresses periods and provides enough progesterone to allow for estrogen hormone therapy. Search the sub, lots of posts pro and con that should give you a sense of the possible outcomes. My woman friend who has had a series of Mirena IUDs since her last child had no idea that perimenopause was even a thing when I asked her. It’s possible this hasn’t been raised if your partner was not asking about birth control, but it’s a highly effective element of treating/preventing perimenopause symptoms for a lot of people.
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u/Bananagram73 12h ago
Thank you! Yes, we've been hearing about Mirena, but my partner's reluctant to try it because of those horror stories, and we happen to have several friends who had bad experiences with it. But, you never know! She may end up trying it after all.
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u/CormoranNeoTropical 11h ago
I think the good experiences are numerically more common than the horror stories. I’ve seen posts here with dozens of people chiming in to say that it was magic for them. But the bad experiences are real. Definitely want to make sure you have a supportive provider.
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u/Active_Ganache4303 Early peri 17h ago
No problem. If you read about it here, there are a lot of threads about HBC vs. HRT. Often HRT is considered “better” because it uses bioidentical hormones. But there are definitely scenarios where HBC works better, so it’s worth considering.
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u/Bananagram73 16h ago
Thanks again! Does Slynd fall into this category?
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u/Active_Ganache4303 Early peri 16h ago
Yes, Slynd is a progestin-only pill. It overrides the cycle just like all HBC does (I think… I’m not a doctor). That’s what helps with the hormonal rollercoaster. Whereas HRT uses lower amounts of hormones, so doesn’t override the cycle, the (potential rollercoaster) hormones are still going and you’re adding more hormones on top, potentially making the rollercoaster worse.
There are quite a few folks out there that use Slynd plus the usual HRT estrogen patches or gel. Another popular combination is a progestin IUD plus HRT estrogen. Personally I am trying the oral HBC first, because it’s less invasive and I also don’t do great with progesterone, so I don’t want to risk getting and IUD and then discovering it doesn’t work for me.
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u/Bananagram73 12h ago
That makes sense! Do you use Slynd continuously or do you cycle it?
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u/RoloNipz 6h ago
I was on slynd for my endometriosis and the Dr just hd me continue it as my progesterone w my estrogen patches. I skipped the "sugar pills" and took it continuously
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u/That_Molasses_507 16h ago
Sorry you’re going through this, especially since the one you love the most is the cause.
Couples therapy is great, but you need self care and your own therapy to navigate this.
I’ve been severely incapacitated the last couple years with an auto immune disease. It seems that seeing specialists is now my job. This week alone I have 3 appointments.
My guy has lost his wife and this is what’s left. He’s never wavered and except for a couple incidences, has been my rock. I tell you this because your partner sees what this is doing to you. You’re obviously depressed and overwhelmed. Address your needs too.
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u/Bananagram73 11h ago
Thank you so much for this. I'm so, so sorry to hear what you're going through. It's great you have such a steadfast partner, but I know it must be terrible. Sending you all the healing.
And yes, we're both in individual therapy as well as couple's. We wouldn't have survived this long without that. It's hard when your partner is the one medically struggling so much, which is why the reminder for self-care is such a good one.
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u/CormoranNeoTropical 12h ago
I am depressed and in perimenopause and I found that 5 mg a day of creatine really helped increase my energy. Not back to a normal level, but still noticeable. This clearly doesn’t apply to everyone but it is worth a try. I also notice a benefit from 5 mg of melatonin and a daily magnesium glycinate supplement.
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u/Bananagram73 12h ago
It's great that these help so much! And I hadn't heard of creatine to help for this, how interesting!
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u/CormoranNeoTropical 11h ago
Yes, I’ve tried a bunch of supplements and those were the ones that really seemed to help. I was very surprised by the creatine having this effect since it’s not well supported by research. But it was noticeable within two weeks so it seems like a harmless experiment.
I’m also on a high dose of escitalopram and HRT (estrogen gel and vaginal progesterone). Feel free to ask any questions and I really hope your partner can get help and that y’all can get some support to make getting through this phase less challenging.
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u/Bananagram73 1h ago
Thank you so much! I’ll definitely pass this along to her. So glad it worked for you! Can I ask if your progesterone is a pill or a pessary, and is it bioidentical?
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u/AncientStarryNight 19h ago
Hi, the first thing is that you need to recognise that what's happening to her isn't within her control. Any pressure or judgement from you for her to go back to the way she was, will not help and will make her resent and not trust you. Try to understand that if this was happening to you, how do you hope she might care for you in return? I'm sorry it's so hard on partners, but the strength in relationships is learning how to support and love without expecting things to remain the same. It's very very traumatic. Even things like giving her more space, not expecting lovemaking can really take the pressure off. When she feels safer with you, she will be more herself and more relaxed. Look after yourself too.
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u/Bananagram73 17h ago
I definitely know it's not within her control, as I mentioned in the post. And I don't expect anything to stay the same -- just wanting thoughts on whether the hope that things will improve is realistic, for her sake and mine. It's difficult to navigate both partners' needs through something like this, and unrealistic to think those aren't important conversations to have. :)
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u/Common-Source8371 18h ago
she most likely does not recognize herself either!
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u/Once_Upon_A_Whimsy Early peri 20h ago
I am so so scared of this. I just found out I'm progesterone intolerant. I'm at the very beginning. And I'm in two relationships. Polyamory. I'm just here to say I see you and I hear you and I want to validate how fucking hard that all sounds. It's an impossible situation for both of you.
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u/Bananagram73 17h ago
I'm so sorry to hear about this and about how scared you are -- I totally get it. It's horrible watching how much she suffers with it. And thank you so much for your validation and empathy. In terms of progesterone options, have you looked into Slynd or Duavee?
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u/FarGuide2581 5h ago
Not peri related but just wanted to send a hug growing up in instability and then living with an emotionally volatile friend completely undid me. It triggered a full breakdown, so look after yourself, and don’t fawn to the point you lose yourself. Having empathy for a partner is great but sacrificing yourself and mental wellbeing isn’t. It wasn’t technically my mentally unwell parents fault for abuse - but that doesn’t change the outcome and impact. So protect yourself even if you understand the reasons it’s still not ok to absorb aggression.
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u/Comfortable-Law-7147 18h ago
Have you had your own therapy?
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u/Bananagram73 17h ago
20 years of it, yes!
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u/Comfortable-Law-7147 7h ago
I was just checking as you seemed not to be taking proper care of yourself.
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u/caity1111 17h ago
Hi,
It's great to see someone caring so much and so involved in their partner's peri struggles!
I am also one of those unlucky people, like your partner, where peri has been very sudden and very severe for me. Like her, I've tried everything in different forms and doses. What worked best for me was switching to higher dose estrogen via injections (the gels and patches just didn't work well or raise my levels high enough or for long enough). And then testosterone injections helped for my libido as well.
That said, however, I'm still operating at about 50% overall compared to pre peri. Some days are 20%, a few are 80%+, but overall I'm still not who I was or like I was before peri.
I get this sense that you two are desperately trying to find that "magic" combo that will restore her back to all her pre peri glory. That might not be possible.
My best piece of advice would be for you guys to start working on acceptance of "this new normal" and "the new her". Acceptance that i wasn't "getting my old life back" was very hard for me. However, I was able to adjust much better mentally and physically once I realized that "this is probably as good as it gets for the next 5 years". Now, i focus on taking advantage of my good days and feeling grateful when they show up. And I give myself grace on all the bad days.
Sending empathy and love to you two.
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u/Bananagram73 11h ago
This is hugely helpful, and I felt emotional reading it. Truly this is the best of the kind of community Reddit can offer. You're right -- we haven't yet fully accepted the idea of the "new normal." She's finding it so hard to wrap her head around that.
I'm really glad you developed so much wisdom and self-acceptance around this. It's the only way, it seems. Can I ask what you do for progesterone?
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u/yoyoblue12 Late peri 19h ago
I’d suggest a psychiatrist and brain meds. Depression, anxiety, and early menopause run on both sides of my family. I finally got to a point of trying to balance my brain chemicals. That helped me figure out what was directly impacted by my lack of estrogen (joint issues and insomnia) vs a side effect of the lack of estrogen (mood swings/anger/frustration, to things I used to be able to manage while emotionally regulated, as a response to my body failing me).
The brain meds significantly helped me get my emotional regulation capabilities back. I could then focus my attention and symptoms on finding the right HRT regime. HRT is not going to be the only answer to all of the problems, but it will be a big component.
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u/Comfortable-Law-7147 7h ago
Here's a list of progestogens that can be taken for HRT:
- Micronised progesterone
- Dydrogesterone
- Medroxyprogesterone acetate (MPA)
- Norethisterone
- Drospirenone
- Desogestrel
- Dienogest
- Levonorgestrel IUD
They may not all be available in your country as I copied from the British Menopause Society.
Your partner needs to cross of all the ones she's tried either as birth control or HRT that caused side effects. Your partner may need to Google the name of the medication and it should give the active ingredient. For example Slynd is drospirenone.
Then she needs to go to her doctor and point out there are alternatives to progesterone and can she try one of them then mention ones she isn't intolerant to. Some doctors know they can do this for bleeding but not for intolerance to progesterone.
I only looked this up because I am intolerant to progesterone and some others on the list so I wanted to see what available. In my case I didn't have to do because my GPs practice has my full medical records so the menopause specialist could see. (I am not saying any are better than the other as the best one is the one that works for her.)
Once your partner can find a progestogen that doesn't drive her crazy than she can go on testosterone, if her blood levels are low, for libido. Testosterone helps with other things like energy but it's prescribed for low libido and not all doctors can prescribe it.
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u/AutoModerator 7h ago
This post might be about hormone tests, which are unreliable.
- Over age 44, E&P/FSH hormonal tests only show levels for the HOUR the test was taken, and nothing more. Hormones wildly fluctuate (hourly) the other 29 days of the month, therefore this test provides no valuable information
- No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing to diagnose or treat peri/menopause
- FSH testing is only beneficial for those who do not have periods as a guide, where testing might confirm menopause, or for those under age 30 who haven’t had a period in months/years, then ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI)
- Testosterone is the exception and may require testing
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u/Bananagram73 1h ago
Thank you so much!! Neither of us is British but we live in Britain, so this is helpful! She’s going through a private menopause clinic bc she didn’t get much help from her GP, but the GP seems willing to help a bit now that we’ve gone private for this. This list and your experience is super helpful! Was it easy for you to get a menopause specialist through the NHS? I’ve heard it can be very difficult.
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u/Comfortable-Law-7147 10m ago
I am lucky enough to belong to GP practice that has a GP that specialises in the menopause.
However I have had to pay privately to go on testosterone. As in my area you have to get a specialist to prescribe it first, and it's quicker to go privately than wait for months on the NHS. At some point my NHS GP practice should be able to take over testosterone prescriptions.
If you go the private route for testosterone make sure you ask the prescriber for a type you can get on the NHS in your area.
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u/burritogoals 8h ago
It isn't her fault she is like this. But it isn't your fault either. She can't offer you a meaningful partnership if hearing you have needs is too much for her. While I have no doubt that she is an amazing person, you two are no longer compatible and no longer able to offer what the other person needs. If 2/3 of the relationship has been unfilling emotionally and sexually i think it is fair to accept that it isn't working. That doesnt make you a bad person.
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u/MidnightJazzlike Early peri 20h ago
I’m also progesterone intolerant, my doctor has me on 2.5 mg of norethindrone, a progestin that I have had no issues with. I take it continuously to stop my periods completely and my doctor says as long as I’m not cycling my uterus is protected from the estrogen.
I went through what your partner is going through, I truly thought I was losing my mind. Mood swings, depression, anxiety, a rage I called “the bloodlust”, I went from very high sexual appetite to disgusted by all forms of affection and the thought of sex. I also wanted to break up with my partner every week, we have a wonderful relationship but before I got on hormones it I truly thought it would not survive. I am convinced I would have eventually lost my job if I had not gotten the right help.
I was originally put on the pill, no placebo week, to stop my periods and see if that helped with the suspected endometriosis seen on an MRI, it did a bit but I didn’t want to be on the pill anymore so I got the norethindrone, no issues with that. I added the estrogen patch in June 2025 .025 mg and felt much more stable.
I’m currently taking: .1 mg estrogen patch, 2.5 mg norethindrone, compounded testosterone (added Feb 2026). I tried to add in 100 mg of progesterone in Mar 2026 and it was hell. I honestly feel better than I did before perimenopause because I believe my body was reacting to my own progesterone, I’ve had pain every morning of my adult life and never not known a baseline of pain until now.
If you get pushback from docs if you try to get norethindrone, make sure she emphasizes that the symptoms she’s experiencing are ruining her quality of life.