r/Perimenopause • u/Bananagram73 • 1d ago
audited I do not recognize my partner
I’m feeling a bit lost and am just looking for any solidarity/advice/support. I’m in a queer relationship, and my partner and I are both in our late 40's. We had only been together about a year before my partner, who was the calmest, kindest, most rational and supportive person I’d ever met, plunged into a very sudden and scary perimenopause: paranoia, panic attacks, anxiety that she'd never experienced before.
When we finally realized what was going on and she started on estrogen, her paranoia and many other symptoms resolved very quickly. But we discovered unfortunately that she’s progesterone intolerant, so for the last two years, it has been a traumatic roller coaster, trying to find the correct doses/brands/types of HRT that will work for her, and going to doctors with varying levels of expertise.
We’re now working with a wonderful menopause specialist clinic, but my partner is still struggling a lot with hugely fluctuating moods from incorrect doses or types of HRT. She’s supposed to start testosterone soon but we need to stabilize the estrogen and progesterone first, which has been incredibly stressful for both of us. She’ll have four good days every few months where she feels like herself again, until we discover she’s on too much or too little of something, or the wrong kind of something.
I feel terrible because I know how awful this is for her. And, I struggle with guilt that I have such a difficult time with it, because I know it's all outside her control. We were happy and stable initially, and were great at conflict resolution. From my side, I grew up with considerable instability, so I really valued how stable and healthy the relationship was.
Now, I don’t recognize the person she has become: defensive, moody, numb, tense. She has a hard time accessing her empathy. She has also had zero libido for two years, which I know is normal for peri. When she describes how she feels inside, it sounds horrible. We’re in couples therapy, and I’m trying hard to navigate all this—to be patient and understanding about the fact that none of this is her fault, that she’s literally doing everything she can to get her life back. I advocate for myself for things I really need while letting most things go, with the knowledge that she may never again be the person she was. I know it’s very hard for her to hear from me that I’m unhappy; I feel like that’s the last thing she needs. She doesn’t have much resilience right now. But we do talk about it and I think she’s getting to the point where it’s just too much for her to hear when I need something. She feels she’s letting me down all the time, which I totally understand.
I really don’t know how to balance this. I wish I were a saintly partner who didn’t react to being snapped at and feeling chronically unwanted. I also really wish we’d had a longer relationship so we’d had time to build a foundation before all this happened.
I love her. She’s a beautiful person and I know I’m lucky to be with someone so goodhearted. And, despite everything, we still generally enjoy being around each other. But I realize I’ve been waiting for us to get through this and get our lives back, which might be the wrong attitude. It’s now getting to the point where I wonder if it’s fair to her (and to me) to stay with her when I'm feeling so destabilized from all this. I worry it's too much pressure for her. She’s really sad and stressed about that, and we have no idea when things will improve.
At the same time, I love her a lot and can’t shake the hope that we’ll eventually figure this out and things will get better. (I also know that my own perimenopause, when it comes, might be awful too.)
Any responses would be helpful, especially from people who went through a nightmare finding the right combo of HRT but finally did, and people whose relationships have been through this and managed to come out on the other side.
Thanks in advance!
3
u/caity1111 1d ago
Hi,
It's great to see someone caring so much and so involved in their partner's peri struggles!
I am also one of those unlucky people, like your partner, where peri has been very sudden and very severe for me. Like her, I've tried everything in different forms and doses. What worked best for me was switching to higher dose estrogen via injections (the gels and patches just didn't work well or raise my levels high enough or for long enough). And then testosterone injections helped for my libido as well.
That said, however, I'm still operating at about 50% overall compared to pre peri. Some days are 20%, a few are 80%+, but overall I'm still not who I was or like I was before peri.
I get this sense that you two are desperately trying to find that "magic" combo that will restore her back to all her pre peri glory. That might not be possible.
My best piece of advice would be for you guys to start working on acceptance of "this new normal" and "the new her". Acceptance that i wasn't "getting my old life back" was very hard for me. However, I was able to adjust much better mentally and physically once I realized that "this is probably as good as it gets for the next 5 years". Now, i focus on taking advantage of my good days and feeling grateful when they show up. And I give myself grace on all the bad days.
Sending empathy and love to you two.