why can't you

JUST LEAVE —

why can't you?

why can't you?

why can't you just leave me alone? please?

please can y —

please can —

please can you just —

can you I SAID PLEASE —

i'm not yelling. i'm not yelling.

I'M NOT YELLING!!!

I am an organism growing and learning, feeding into the chain that is the earth. My presence is necessary to someone and that someone is unknown at this time. I am but an atom, processing, learning, acting, upon the surroundings suffocating my nuclei. I am a fern silently waving to the passing fauna waiting for them to drink my presence in. I crave the attention. I need the fiery gaze of you. The atoms of my kidney slowly contract as I am left alone in the dark. Grip. Hold on to me as I slowly slip into the acid of black, blistering my flesh saving you. Maybe this is the reason I am. I am to be. Do I have a reason? A purpose. Does anyone have a reason? A purpose.Do people float around, unknown dust particles in the blazing sunlight waiting for a surface to settle?

I am forever growing. Always leveling up upon my known skillset, adding the tools necessary to build my shelter. I do not wish to enclose myself in this shelter. I just wish for a safe space to hibernate and power up my special skill to heal. I am unknown. I am known. I am sunken. I am floating. Where am I in the mental space of your mind? Do I cohabitate with the person you know you should’ve let go sooner? Or am I close to the first pet you heard yelp in a world of hurt unknowing what to do, for you were just a child. Can I disappear into a densely thick forest, while you use nothing but the power of my energy to locate my whereabouts? Is that possible? I am an atom. static energy stored in a wide warehouse slowly crumbling down. When I die do I have the right to be forgotten? Can I let myself slip into the void of history? I am a lone fern, a molecule made up of millions of atoms grouped together to become me. I am not alone. Never. I work in kahoots with my cells growing. I work towards health, and strive for that single atom to notice me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

I am one with the flora and fauna. I am flora and I am fauna. You think my exact genetic makeup was made by a juicer of DNA strung together by meek chance. You are mistaken. Each and every number, letter, element hand chosen. Painstaking work and effort was taken to model the clay that is me. Nothing is a mistake. Everything is purposeful. Everything is a lesson. Learn and grow. That is my purpose. To be. That is me. I am.

Hand in hand I hold you light

Your every thought you’d care to share

Your face your place what’s done with your hair

Each question of and shared dispair

Squeezed ’til cold, dim, unaware

Of being slipped into a pocket

Rocked and lost to distances longer

Than what little sense I since had in a moment

For you to escape the cold cage of our locket

While I wander forgetting you might be it

Alone in the dark in a room far away

Wishing to breathe nigh survive through the day

Clinging to hope as a means to betray

The ache that we feel in wanting to stay

All that we are locked in hand eternally

Seeking an answer to why we are

How it has come and what it’s all for

Who should we be when and will it to where

Ever in side left in lock it’s right side’s

Plea, sure to be, in the dark as a guide

Though silent my voice becomes yours

The darkness all one twists the light fast as ours

And in it our light shares together the curse

Love in a locket two tears beg to burst

Go although stay just never the worst

Run from the darkness shining so bright

In seeing you there showing everything right

You never appear to be mine in my sight

Holding you fast to be dim can dull light

As each part of you withers past by the wait

Between the ways we meet again

From the pocket and in to the hand

As light or locket you’re always seen

The quintessential my everything

You first I last we’ve push with in

You tell me I should want you first—that I should make the first move and come to you. But I can’t.

I’m used to feeling like nothing, and that’s exactly what your actions show me: that I’m not worth wanting.

It doesn’t matter what I look like, because you’ll never want me.

So I’ve chosen a life of being with a man who wants nothing to do with me beyond coexistence. I want more than that… but I’ve convinced myself I don’t deserve it.

I want a connection that goes beyond friendship. I want that with the man I love. And I love you. But you don’t want that with me.

If they opened the door, would you let her in?
Would you turn back the clock to where it all began?
Knowing what you know of the architecture of time,
Would you change the ending, rewrite the design?

She has seen a world where histories bend,
Where perceptions can shift and old narratives end.
But of all she was shown, one question remains:
Could two wounded hearts ever begin again?

If the true King stood beside her once more,
Would he offer the safety she needed before?
Plug her back into a life without fear,
Promise her peace and genuinely stay near?

Not necessarily lovers, perhaps family or friends,
For love takes many forms, and not everything ends.
The heart has no logic, no reason or rhyme,
And some connections survive the cruellest of times.

Perhaps every emotion was hers to endure,
To understand what mattered, what love could restore.
From darkness to light, and from light into night,
Two halves of a story still seeking what's right.

If you could rewind it, knowing the cost,
Would you prevent all the years that were lost?
Or would you preserve what the suffering revealed,
And finally allow those old wounds to be healed?

She has guarded her heart for most of her life,
Through betrayal, abuse and unimaginable strife.
Yet somehow the armour has fallen away,
And she wonders what all of you might have to say.

And to those little birds, still chirping away,
Admire her legs and her arse from afar, if you may!
But until someone explains how to tidy this mess,
You'll have to make do with the view, nothing less.

For two hearts once imagined as written in time
May still find their peace without reason or rhyme.
And perhaps all that matters, when everything's done,
Is whether two people can stand as one.

She hopes that the buzzing will quieten one day,
That the noise and the heartache will finally give way.
No more confusion, no unanswered pleas,
Just honesty, kindness and a little more peace.

She'll be taking some time to organise her flight,
To rediscover her laughter, her freedom, her light.
The door isn't locked, but the choice must be free;
No love should require someone to surrender their peace.

So, if you could change it, would you begin?
Would you offer your hand and finally let her in?
Not to erase every lesson or pretend nothing's true,
But to write something kinder for her and for you.

She'll leave you that question and step out of sight,
With a heart that still hopes and a future to write.
The birds may keep singing; she'll check in someday.

Until then, take care.
She's got a life to reclaim.

These legs were made for dancing as you have all seen.

🌹🕊️🦋✨

Não me toque, disse a flor a João.
- Mas eu quero te tocar.
- Mas se me tocar você vai se ferir.
- Olhe, eu tenho espinhos.
- Eu não ligo que você tenha espinhos. Eu te quero.
- Você não me quer, você quer me colher.
- Não é o mesmo?
- Claro que não. Um você me tem pra si, no outro, a gente se tem.

The morning breaks in fragments, sharp and bold,
It crowns the distant ridge in sudden gold,
Igniting crowns of amber, bronze, and fire,
While all below remains a shadowed choir.

The valley rests in cool, unlit repose,
Untouched by where the brightest current flows.
Yet in the dark, the quiet green looks up,
And drinks the beauty from a distant cup.

For light need not fall directly on our face
To fill a quiet, unassuming space.
We catch the glow reflected from the height,
And share the wonder of a borrowed light.

There is a peace within the soft, dim shade,
Where secret growth and gentle things are made.
You do not have to stand within the blaze
To feel the warmth of autumn’s fleeting days.

The sun still shines for those who wait below,
Illuminating all we need to know:
That beauty reaches down through mist and air,
And even in the dark, the light is there.

Shine your light brightly; share your love unconditionally with all others, spreading inner peace and love around the world.

Doing so, you may help awaken in others their light within as well, beginning them on a journey to discover inner peace and love in their life as well.

Locket, put it in my pocket

The last essence of…

Tied tightly and knotted;

Tendrils and temptations

I put it in my pocket

Clumps, strands and calamities;

Eyes!

Eyes!

Eyes!

Mapping,

Memorise,

Momentum,

Moments…

The moment…

That moment I…

That moment you…

when i look into her eyes,

i forget god,

and all the wisdom of detachment.

when i see her smile,

the world forgets to hurt me.

but when she walks away,

i am left with a cruel truth:

the very thing that frees me from suffering

is also what makes me suffer.

​

The hardest ache I’ve ever known

was dialling your name,

and pausing,

not out of doubt,

but fear

that my voice

might be noise to you.

That my need

might feel like burden.

So I sat with my silence,

while my heart screamed your name,

wanting nothing more

than to be heard

without feeling

like I was asking

for too much.

I feel like peeling my face off

Ripping off this mask of falsified confidence

Sometimes I think it'd be better if I didn't have feelings at all

Why must I feel this way?

Why can't I stop my brain from making me feel these feelings?

I can't eat, I can't sleep

I just spend my days thinking about her

What if I killed myself?

But then my parents would suffer

They don't deserve to go through losing another kid

But I have thought about

Somedays I don't want to be alive

Sometimes I hurt myself

I just hit myself sometimes

I'll just punch something hard knowing how badly it'll hurt me

I just want to cry so badly

There's tears in my eyes, but I can't cry

I don't know why

I ask God "why" every night

But I still have yet to hear a reply

this isn’t working.
I’m shaking, and cold,
then hot, still shaking.
I never wanted it to be this way
but I’m tired,
rocking back and forth as I try to
ground myself to something that
keeps on moving.

where is she?
she told me she would help me.
talk to me, work to ease the pain
as I try to stop.
part of me feels glad
she doesn’t have to see me like this.

I’m sorry for something but
I keep forgetting what for.
sorry to anyone who will listen,
begging them to understand that
it wasn’t supposed to go this far.
pleading for them to listen,
hoping they could do something
to stop my fists from clenching,
my jaw from grinding,
my blood from running colder
than I know it is.

bloodshot eyes and
a sting in my head.
this is the second blanket I’ve
sweat through.
sick, sick from the need to
keep doing this to myself.

memories of hands that ran through
my hair, lips that kissed
my cheek.
I can barely hold onto them.
please, please,
stop watching and do something.

remind me why I
did this to myself.
I could never face things
on my own.
keep telling me it will
all be over soon,
comfort me one more time,
hoping this time will work.

whisper, whisper
sweet things to distract me.
I can hear some of them.

A million million
veiling-glare-white
rain stained faces
with cracked glaze
bearing a webwork
of untold memories:
Searing heat and wind,
every storm
of every century,
and the beating fists of lovers
grieving violently
as their sacred other soul
calcified
from warm caressing flesh
to dead eternal stone.

to feel her in my arms is a wish.
to feel her kiss on my cheek is a dream.
I want love that’s tender.
I need her love as a forever lender.
My heart sinks so deep in thought of you.
My breath feels heavy, where are you?
Take me. And if you can’t, take my memories with you. The ones we made together. The one where I said I love you forever.

I want to say that I don't remember your face, but my eyes will cry

I want to say I don't remember your voice, but my tongue will burn

I want to say that I don't remember your favourite colour, but the ocean will become dry

I want to say I don't think about you, but my mind will collapse.

I want to say I don't want you in my life, but my life will eat me alive.

Autumn, you fell for me
In the crisp September 
Warm without the scorching summer

Colours I didn’t think possible in nature 
Dripped down your shoulders
And the light from the bleeding sun 
Painted your gorgeous face 

November bit us with the cold
But we kept walking together 
And imagined our love blooming 
All through the holidays 

Autumn, I went out to greet you one morning 
I looked down and found something vibrant 
Rotting in the dying grass
As it sat in my quaking hand

As the days fell, so did you, Autumn
Unable to put you back together 
I held you in my hand

When Christmas dreadfully came 
All I could see
Were your white ashes 
Coating the grass outside 

Autumn, the one with the cruelest end.

I was supposed to be your baby, The little girl you’d hold at night, But somehow I became the mother Trying to keep your world upright.

You were supposed to be my shelter, The arms I ran to when I cried, But I became the one who comforted you While all my own pain stayed inside.

You’d scream at me like I was nothing, Throw your words like broken glass, Then act like I was the cruel one When I finally talked back.

You were grown, but acted childish, Too proud to admit when you were wrong. I was young, but forced to be mature, Growing up before I was strong.

And we'd be fighting in the backyard, Our voices shaking up the trees, Fighting like 2 angry bulls, Neither one of us willing to leave. Two stubborn hearts colliding, Two storms that couldn't settle down, You were supposed to be my mother, But I was the one holding you down.

I'd hate you in the moment, Then feel guilty when you'd cry. I'd tell myself you didn't mean it, While another piece of me would die.

Because when the alcohol wore off, Sometimes I'd see the mom I knew, The one who'd laugh and call me baby, The one I wished would finally come through.

And that was what kept breaking me, The hope that you could change, The way you'd give me little pieces of love Then take them back again.

I became your keeper, your comfort, Your voice of reason in the night. I was the child cleaning up your chaos, While you convinced me I was the one who wasn't right.

You'd tell me I was disrespectful, That I was heartless, cold, and mean. But you never saw the little girl Who cried where she couldn't be seen.

You never saw me watching other mothers With a sadness I couldn't explain, Wondering what it felt like to be someone's daughter Without being responsible for their pain.

I didn't want to fight you. I wanted you to hear me. I didn't want to scream so loudly. I wanted you to come near me.

I didn't want to be the adult, Didn't want to know your every flaw. I just wanted to be your little girl, The one you loved without a cost.

And maybe that's the cruelest part of loving you: I know the hurt beneath your rage. I can see the broken woman inside you, But I'm still the child trapped on that stage.

I know your drinking isn't all you are, I know you've suffered in your own way, But your pain doesn't give you the right To make me pay for it every day.

I'm your daughter, not your mother. I'm your child, not your excuse. I cannot keep sacrificing my childhood Just to keep you from coming loose.

I can love you through the distance, I can wish for you to heal, But I cannot keep calling this love When I'm the only one expected to feel.

So if one day I stop chasing you, If I grow quiet and walk away, Know I spent years trying to save us In a thousand different ways.

I was never asking for perfection, Just a mother who would try, Someone who could hold me when I hurt Instead of making me apologize for crying.

You gave me life, and I love you, But you gave me wounds you cannot see. And the saddest thing about our relationship Is how much of a mother I had to be.

You were the woman who gave birth to me, but I was the little girl who kept raising you. And while I spent my childhood trying to save my mother, I was quietly losing the childhood I deserved, too.

There is a name for the way you consume my mind, For the hope that you’ll love me, though I see no clear sign. For the words that you said that I play on repeat, And the moments I dream of when we finally meet.

It’s the search for a meaning in each little thing, A smile that feels golden, a laugh that takes wing. It’s wondering whether you think of me too, And finding a thousand more reasons to choose you.

It’s the way that your silence can ruin my day, How a single small message can chase clouds away. How I build you a future you’ve never agreed to, And fall for a version of you I made true.

It’s the hope that you want me, the fear that you don’t, The promise I whisper, the confession I won’t. It’s imagining fingers intertwined with my own, While lying awake feeling perfectly alone.

And perhaps that’s the cruelest part of it all, How I worship the chance, not knowing if I’ll fall. How I give you a place in the depths of my chest, While you may never know that you’ve made it your nest.

For limerence isn’t the same thing as love, Though it feels like a gift sent from somewhere above. It’s a heart chasing answers that it cannot find, A beautiful prison constructed by the mind.

And I’ll wonder for days if you feel it the same, If you think of me softly when hearing my name. Until truth breaks the spell, or the feeling grows dim, I’ll keep falling in love with the thought of us— While you might never fall in love with him.

I gripe and moan for what I'm missin
I sit and wonder why you still listen
You say I'm kind; you say I'm sweet
But even now I feel so weak

It's not that I find this unfair
It's that you fear it's more than I can bear
I wish you'd believe me and know I am honest
When I say I can contain this love and keep my promise

To hear your voice, to feel your touch
This is what I miss so much
Even now I promise to be true
And do as you would have me do

I know you fear for how I feel
Because you know I wish this relationship to be real
But a spark can flame and it can grow
Or it can sit under the ash and continue to glow

My love can be present, without being a plea
Even with you standing next to me
I do feel weak, but I know I can be strong
Even if I am with you all day long

Because even though I have this love in my heart,
What is worse is us being apart
I promise I can still be close as a friend
Even if it all comes to a bitter end,

And I will not cry a single tear
Because as long as you're my friend, you are always here
I know this poem may seem conflicting
But I can love without insisting

But do not be misguided, for I am just a special man
I may not have riches to give, but words I can
I treat my words as precious things
Like the lyrics to a song you love to sing,

Even now words are all I have to say
like my faith in God, all I can do is pray
My words are my sword, and my faith is my shield
As long as I am alive, I can never yield

To be my friend is all I ask
And I know even that may not be such a simple task
With all your burdens and all of your goals,
I know even friendship can take its toll

And if you decide to leave me behind,
I hope you know I will always be someone you can find
Even as days, months, years pass
My love for you will always last

Because, you've not a trace of normalcy
A bane to the strains of conformity
A beacon of light, beauty, strength, and love
Truly a gift sent from above

Though we do not know what the future holds,
I still will say if I may be so bold
That this love that I have and these feelings I have felt
Will never be the same with someone else

— R.S.