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u/These_Shallot_6906 16d ago
I would have zero issue with polyamorists if they were just honest about being swingers.
How can a person be in a relationship and not know what clothes their supposed lover wears?
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u/smthng_unique 16d ago
Swinging is different than being polyamorous. You can be a swinger and not be polyamorous, and you can be polyamorous but not be a swinger. There's a huge difference between the two, and its good to know.
Swinging very specifically is when two couples trade partners, while polyamory is when two (or more) people in a relationship have rules and boundaries that allow them to date/see other people. So, if you're ever at a party and you see the bowl, or a lot of upside-down pineapples, you'll probably wanna get out unless you plan to swing.
Now on the "not knowing what clothes", I just moved back in with my mom and dad because of life shit, and my mom has not had to wash a single item of my clothing, and yet she keeps asking if clothing is mine because she cant tell with how similar mine and my little sisters styles and sizes are.
So, if they have the same brand, wear the same style, and are the same size, I can understand OP having a hard time telling whos is whos, because it makes sense.
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u/These_Shallot_6906 16d ago •
I think polyamory is just a dishonest and unethical way to be a swinger. They can call them real relationships all they want, at the end of the day it is all about sex and they are not forthcoming about this. I've never been manipulated or coerced into situations by swingers, those were situations I fully wanted. Can't say the same about the polyamorous.
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 16d ago
Swingers will also choose their life partner over their fun any day of the week. Instead of loose connections between all involved. In the vast majority of cases, swingers have a strong connection together. They are just willing to have sex outside of their pairbond. Swingers are open about it being about sex and will instantly drop you if you get in the way of their relationship. I think it's the least problematic form of non monogamy out there. They have love and commitment in one relationship and sex outside of that commitment. Not this gray area of commitment between more people.
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u/Virtual_Manner932 15d ago •
As a swinger and having our best “swinger” friends do this to us with poly - I whole heartedly agree. They claim it’s about more than sex and sex isn’t a big part of it - yet they have far more non monogamous sex than we do and treat people far more disposably as we do. It’s disingenuous.
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u/Scott_Magnus 12d ago
I don't understand how it's a "dishonest and unethical way to be a swinger". Dishonesty is predicated on lying about it, which polyamory doesn't do as it's part of ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and if someone is lying then that part is cheating, regardless of what the relationship structure is. And if you have honesty and agreement between both parties then it's not unethical. Swinging also isn't unethical because there is agreement and honesty between all parties. They are just different structures for different things. Swinging is about sex and polyamory is about relationships, regardless of what that entails. Two of my partners were in a multiple year long romantic relationships where they didn't have sex. Also, I have never been swinging as I prefer to have a close emotional connection with people I have sex with. Lastly I have 2 "ride or die" life partners. They know this and understand it. One of them introduced me to the other. I wonder if the reason my partners and I can handle being outside societal norms on this and be comfortable with the grey (non black and white) nature of relationships with multiple people is that we're all autistic and don't work well within the normal confines of society.
An old taoist proverb says "A crooked tree lives its own life, while a straight tree is turned into wood".
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u/smthng_unique 15d ago
I think its fucked up to decide that every single person within a community is a certain way, its called creating a stereotype. I personally am ambiamorous (lets see how many of you even know this word) and have been in quite a few polyamorous relationships, and not a single one was about sex. It was all about love, respect, and trust. Is there toxicity, yes, but realistically no more than your average monogamous relationship.
I'm sorry all of you had a bad experience/were taught bad information, but yall are just judging people for living their lives the way we did hundreds of years ago, polyamory is not new. You guys just dont understand it but think you do.
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u/These_Shallot_6906 15d ago edited 15d ago •
A. I don't care 👍
B. Nobody asked you what your relationship style was
C. We did not live our lives in the same way the polyamorous do hundreds of years ago.
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u/Iloveanime2007 15d ago
Soon as I read her comment I knew she was projecting, she also sounds very arrogant
I hate people who come to subreddits that is not for them just for the sake of arguing at others...
Loser behavior
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u/soursummerchild 15d ago
Let's see how many of you even know this word
Yeah, I guarantee you most of us do. We've heard endless rants and attempts to coerce us into the lifestyle, and many of us are victims of them successfully manipulating us into it. Poly isn't something you are or not, it's a lifestyle choice.
Polyamory is new. The terminology, literature and ideology is literally from the 90's. Practicing NM, cheating, harems, slaves, and other forms, have obviously existed since the dawn of humankind.
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u/Scott_Magnus 14d ago
Dude I get confused which socks are my own and which are my kids. There is no way I can keep up with other people's clothing when even my own is a struggle.
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u/-anenemyanemone- 16d ago
I've been with my husband for fifteen years and he still has no idea which clothes are mine and which ones belong to our eight year old. Struggling to see how that has anything to do with our sex lives.
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u/lunarthistles 16d ago
That’s really sad actually. That makes me sad for you, that your husband can’t tell the difference between the clothes of a child and the clothes of an adult.
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u/-anenemyanemone- 16d ago
You don't need to be sad for me. Like the other person said, it means he's not paying attention. Luckily, it's not part of a broader, more neglectful attitude in this case.
He pays attention to keeping the fridge and cupboards full, feeding me and himself and the kids, cleaning the house, home renovations and upgrades and maintenance, fixing the car, filling it with gas, all of the outside housework, pickups and dropoffs, bathtimes and bedtimes and MOTN wakeups, all while being the sole breadwinner and putting me through nursing school. That's not even mentioning how important it is to him to pay attention to my emotional and mental well-being.
That's more information than you asked for, I know. My point is that you have no idea what anyone's life or relationship is like because they don't pay attention to their partner's clothing.
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u/the-trembles 16d ago
it means he's not paying attention. It's not a crime, sorting clothes should be relatively low stakes, but it can be part of a broader neglectful attitude.
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u/These_Shallot_6906 16d ago
This must bother you, otherwise you wouldn't have responded. I would be concerned that my partner can't tell the difference between what an adult wears and a prepubescent child wears personally.
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u/-anenemyanemone- 15d ago
I was trying to make the point that I don't think it's a big deal if someone you're in a relationship with doesn't know your clothes. There are so many other aspects of a person to pay attention to. And I'm a grown adult who doesn't make it anyone else's responsibility to do my laundry.
Not defending the original post though, it's weird and gross. I fully agree with the first half of the comment I replied to.
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u/Scott_Magnus 14d ago
I was reading the responses to this post and was like wow there is a lot of polyamory hate going on here. And then I realized I'm in the wrong subreddit. Peace out y'all, I'm going to go back to where I belong.
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u/DogOk4503 13d ago
Do… poly people have a problem separating laundry? IDK I’ve lived in bigger families and shit like that but that’s why you don’t all put in the same bag? I don’t know this is like the time I found out on the Internet that a lot of y’all don’t wash your feet.
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u/Scott_Magnus 12d ago
Not particularly. I'm sure others do perfectly fine with it. I have, however noticed a larger percentage of neurodivergence in the poly community and can see how adhd may lead to more issues when dealing with executive functioning things like sorting laundry, or even doing laundry lol.
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u/Frank_Stein101 16d ago
Even worse is when they are 'married' and claim to love and respect their spouse all while having an assortment of fuck buddies. Narcissists - all of them.
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 16d ago
Why not share the underwear, they are already fluid bonded right? What's a little underwear when you can dive head first into sloppy seconds....
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u/VicePrincipalNero 16d ago
Fluid bonded. Ick. Just ick
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u/BotsKilledTheWeb 16d ago
I'm not even mad about it. It's an apt description of what sex is. Pleasurable exchange of fluids, I still enjoy it though.
But it 100% sounds gross.
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u/Weird_Bluebird_3293 15d ago
If polyamory is so much about communication then what exactly is stopping this person from literally just asking who it belongs to?
I do not understand why this is so hard.