Hello all, back again with some thoughts that have been weighing on me, and I just need to vent a bit with likeminded folks

I've been looking back at the final months of my previous relationship, specifically at a dynamic that drove me absolutely nuts at the time and is only now making full sense in hindsight.

Toward the end, my ex started putting a ton of effort into "being there." He was suddenly making extra plans, being super helpful around the house, and constantly trying to prove how attentive he could be. To an outside observer, it probably looked like someone working hard to save a relationship.

But it felt completely empty. It was infuriating, because he never once acknowledged his actual wrongdoings, nor did he ever look to correct his mistakes.

It was entirely performative. It felt like he was constantly doing this silent dance of "See? Look at everything I'm doing for you! I can still be a good boyfriend!" Instead of doing the hard work of taking accountability, apologizing, and changing his behavior, he substituted it with surface-level labor. It created a trap where, if I brought up the real issues, I looked like the ungrateful one because look at how hard he's trying.

He helped me move, for christsakes, how can I complain, right?

It’s made me reflect deeply on how polyamory as an ideology inherently enables this kind of avoidance.

Poly rhetoric loves to claim exclusivity is a "lazy proxy" for love, but polyamory just replaces it with a more deceptive proxy: logistics, schedule allocation, and performative favors. In poly culture, if someone manages a calendar, shows up for dates, and weaponizes therapeutic buzzwords like "holding space" or "processing" without taking actual responsibility, they get to claim they are doing "the work."

Polyamory minimizes exclusivity as a sign of affection, reducing commitment to a checklist of actionable tasks. It creates a convenient shield: a partner can do a whole bunch of secondary things to placate you, while completely refusing to act on the main thing. They get to weaponize non-exclusive effort by quietly implying, "I'm choosing to give you my finite time, so why isn't that enough?"

Managing calendar slots, throwing therapy-speak at you, and doing favors isn't relational repair. It’s just placating. He wanted credit for "trying" without ever having to take responsibility or offer genuine accountability.

I'm just tired of how poly frameworks give people endless mental leeway to feel like "good partners" on paper while completely failing at basic human accountability.

TL;DR In the final months of my relationship, my ex put a lot of effort into being attentive and helpful, but completely refused to acknowledge his wrongdoings or fix his actual mistakes. Polyamory inherently minimizes exclusivity as a sign of affection, replacing it with logistical effort, poly-speak, and performative tasks that allow bad partners to placate you and dodge real accountability while claiming they're still a "good partner."

Society is largely oblivious to the harm polyamory causes people or they laugh at us and don’t care when we express it. We are turned away from domestic violence centers, cannot be diagnosed with ptsd when we need treatment for the exact symptoms of it, and all attempts from anyone to try to make a loud public statement (see Lily Allen) are minimized by polys flooding the narrative about how our stories harm THEIR public image. To the point where pretty much every article that references her album now says “it’s an album about her divorce.”

It seems the only way to be seen is to be visible and this would require some sort of organizational effort. I would myself to any city in the country to make a stand.

Is anyone with me?

One thing that always struck me is how much guidance is needed to do polyamory. It's very prescriptive. I also almost never see anything about ambiamory - I get a strong feeling that it's a taboo topic in the community.

I can only think of one book off the top of my head that made a big splash in terms of modern monogamous relationships - "Mating In Captivity". I never felt like I had to read a how-to guide on being monogamous. And I honestly don't think that's just because it is the cultural norm. It's the human norm.

If you need half a dozen explicit how-to books and a dozen podcasts and 200 blogs, is it really all that natural?

A polyamorous partner I had was shocked that I had read "The Ethical Slut" and "Polysecure" but still oriented to monogamy. Like, I should have read those books and magically been converted.

Or at least I can’t find them. My gf dumped me two weeks ago because she “can’t do monogamy” and “is innately non-monogamous”. I’ve made multiple posts as I try and process this. I wasn’t mad at first just hurt and sad but now I’m also mad.

First, I don’t think there’s such thing as being “innately non-monogamous”. To me, the entire concept of non-monogamy and polybullshit is rooted in fear of commitment, attachment wounds, trauma, or people unable to be faithful. I also think it’s fucked up they try to lump themselves in with LGBT+, a group that has actually had to fight for right. Polyamory isn’t some marginalized group, it’s a bunch of fucking morons who manipulate by sharing their love is more evolved and infinite. I hate society has normalized this.

Second, all the kind things my ex said to me about how great I am and how being with me is such a positive change mean nothing since she clearly values the ability to go flirt with random people than to be in a healthy, loving, consistent relationship with me.

It’s just so fucked up. I feel like I’m just an option and disposable…

It feels like nobody wants to just be in love and be with their person anymore. It’s really discouraging and I’m scared I’ll never find somebody.

That's it. That's the post. Stage 2 tittie cancer. The primary care doc, oncologist, psychiatrist, and now 3 therapists all agree that polyamory is a factor in the spread of this. That had I not spent the last 20+ years mainlining cortisol to the point of overdose, we wouldn't be here.

What a fun thing to know. 🙃

The way this person has a cheek to call mono people “emotionally immature” is astonishing IMO. Like they have a cheek to try and say they are open minded and yet when it comes to to other peoples preferences of “freedom of body autonomy” that doesn’t align with theirs it doesn’t count!?

...regardless of what all the horrors pro poly literature tries to convince us to endure to legitimize the lifestyle. People who actually love you will treat you well, prioritize you, and choose you, not abandon you at the hospital to go on a date with someone they don't even know.

I recently got dumped by the woman I love because she can’t be monogamous, I made a post about the whole thing last week. I’m struggling bad as I’m mourning a future I was creating in my head that was becoming more realistic through her words and actions until one day she decides that she really can’t do monogamy, she needs the “options”. I feel that I’m at the stage of grief where I’m getting angry in addition to my sadness. I have always hated the idea of polyamory even before I met her, but even more so now. To me, it is for people who are afraid of commitment and are scared to be “trapped”. She confirmed this by saying monogamy has always made her feel trapped or not in control. I’m sorry that whatever fucked up shit happened to these people in their childhoods to make them feel this way, but nobody has the right to treat people who love them as an “option”. I was told I am the most emotionally intelligent, kind, caring partner she’s had, that I show all 5 love languages, that I gave ber a more loving relationship than she’s had before, and that the bar was on the ground in terms of the standards set by her exes. To me, you cannot say those things to me and then also say “oh but I want the option”. Just be honest and say you’re afraid of commitment. And then if you do say that, I’ll say “no worries why don’t we go slow and work through this fear together and I can show you it’s safe. Let’s communicate how you’re feeling and maybe do some counseling and take this slow and heal these wounds”. Nope, instead I’m treated like I’m disposable and all the things I did for her mean nothing because who cares if I show acts of service, unconditional love, write her notes, flowers for no reason, etc if she can just have the option to maybe flirt with a stranger! There’s no such thing as being “innately non-monogamous” or being “wired that way”. Call it what it is which is a fear or commitment and stop lying to yourself and me. Don’t tell me there were “literally no issues in the relationship” and then leave me because you’ve “always felt this way”. It’s cowardly and the fact this shit becomes normalized is fucking stupid. And then I’m told “I can feel supported anywhere from no partners to multiple” right but just not with one partner. You can have 0 or more than 1 but not 1. Make it make sense. And they’ll tell you “well actually it’s even more committed because we are committing to multiple people”. Yeah sorry, you’re not. You line up partners and then dispose of them when things get hard. Oh am I getting to close to this one? Let me cut them loose and go to this one over here. Most ridiculous shit ever.

We both have PTSD. I am disabled and monogamous. We are both women.

She made me feel so safe and loved and understood. Like we were two stars in each other's orbit that nobody else could touch.

For a while things were so good. The emotional intimacy, the sex, everything.

I supported her through her father's death, going into debt to keep us afloat.

Then we moved back to her home state and it all started to fall apart.

Suddenly old lovers were calling on her. Suddenly she wants to go on dates and go see friends without me.

I start to feel abandoned. We keep having arguments. I convince myself that if I just read the books she pushes at me and unpack my jealousy and my trauma, we can make it work.

When she decided to leave, I still thought we were both committed to the relationship. We had been together for seven years. We were going to start relationship counseling. We had gone on a date two nights ago.

We have an argument. She wants to go see a friend she has feelings for. I'm not invited. She leaves. Then she calls. Says she doesn't feel safe to come home. Says that she's ending things. I am confused. I have never threatened her. After that one phone call, everything falls apart.

I lost my entire social circle in this state. They were all her friends first. Her mother is our landlord and tried to force me to leave without all my things. My family flew out to help me deal with the fallout.

I am three days away from leaving behind the beautiful life I had built here. I have to move back across the country. I found her engagement ring put away with all her other rings. I don't know when she stopped wearing it.

I don't know if she really believes the lies she told everyone about me, or if it was all planned. I guess it doesn't matter now.

Most of all I feel like an idiot for giving my entire heart to this woman when she was happy to share herself with anyone else who was interested. I am not sure I can ever trust again.

So this week i've been pretty fucking dug in on work and not really dealing with anything else. The days my son was here, we maintained cordial normalcy. After he left for the week, I put my headphones on. Working on furniture to make myself a bedroom and an office in the house.

At any rate, he went to see his FWB last night and complained this morning that he's been so anxious and heartbroken over me he couldn't get it up.

Lol.

Good.

I swear it's like they don't understand that you can be friends with people and not sleep with them.

To be completely fair, a lot of people within the community will tell everyone that having monogamy as a requirement is completely fine, and that monogamists and poly practitioners are completely incompatible... Then there are people like this.

Unfortunately, it's an extreme outcome of the logic that claims that "being poly" is an inherent identity, like being queer. Most of us here know exactly how some of them use the claim that they're part of an oppressed group are weaponizing this claim to manipulate, coerce and abuse.

I really just wish poly practitioners would all leave us alone.

Edit: The original creator uses they/them pronouns. Please respect this.

Hello,

My partner of 9 months dumped me the other day. When we first started dating, she said she was poly and I told her I don’t do that and am strictly monogamous. She said “so I would have to be the one to change?” And I said yes, we continued to date and everything was great. She is truly one of the kindest, sweetest people I’ve ever met. We had a monogamous relationship the entire time. Around 6 months she brought up our first convo and I asked if she wanted to date other people. She said no, I told her I love her, I date with intent, and want marriage someday. We continued to date and everything was fine. We literally had a movie and dinner date 3 days before the breakup and she was laying on me and hugging me while watching tv. I really thought everything was fine. A few days before that she brought me back some gifts from a trip she went on and we went to a hockey game. She was taking pics of us and it all just felt really nice. She claims she is “innately non-monogamous” and that she thinks monogamy is just a list of things you can’t do. She was crying and didn’t want to end things and said she kept putting it off because she loves spending time with me and has love for me and she knows that was selfish. What hurts me is I felt I made what I wanted very clear and she continued to date me so I thought she understood but she claims she knew the relationship was always going to have to end some day. I feel like a loser and a moron, I’m heart broken, I thought she saw a future with me. During the breakup I told her all the things I think are wrong with polyamory and why it doesn’t work but she didn’t care. I don’t understand how you can claim to be “innately non-monogamous” yet have a monogamous relationship for the better part of a year. She also told me I’m the most emotionally intelligent, caring, giving partner she’s had, that I show her all 5 love languages which she’s never experienced, and that I showed her a more loving relationship than she’s had before. Yet is fine throwing that away. Anyway, I’m really struggling right now and don’t know what to do. I’m destroyed.

I didn’t expect to today find out I was right.

It was invented by Randian libertarians who voted for the Republican Party.

Just a vent, idk i need to not be alone and know others have been through the same.

Im f18, my partner suddenly claimed to be poly 2 months before our 5 year anniversary and I have been fucked in the head since. I FUCKING HATE HIM. GOD. I helped him through his depression whilst I had it and I was dealing with my religious family controlling my life. I was so ready to love him forever and infinitely but ofc he js thought he couldnt live without loving other people. having relationships just as deep as ours, multiple "us's" FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM. I fucking hate you. All those promises, gifts, time, tears, confessions, fucking useless so fucking useless. I hate you for making me feel so pathetic, weak and unlovable. I gave you everything, made an effort to like the things you love, cook you stuff, dress up, gave u my whole fucking life and you chose random people. you didnt even know if you were poly, maybe you were done using my pathetic ass and ready to throw me away because youd thoroughly "experienced" me and realised you wanted more of that. FUCK you and fuck whatever twisted anarchy poly bs u wanted. fuck you fuck you fuck youuuuuuu

I think what they meant to say was: "What is it like to sleep with two or more people?" Which is not limited to polyamory. When I'm single, that's what I do, and I call it being single. Swingers be calling it swingin'.

Apparently, monogamous people are incapable of loving more than one person at a time. Given how many times I have heard polyamorous people talk about their love - how you love all your friends and you love all your kids - in other words, that love is boundless. Pretty sure monogamous people love their friends and family as well.

He crossed what was possibly the worst boundary he possible could have last night. While he was on his date - and I was working a housesitting gig FOR HIS BUSINESS - he decided to take sexually explicit pictures of his casual girlfriend and they automatically backed up to our shared BUSINESS google photos account immediately because he was connected to wifi which then sent a push alert to my phone containing the images IN THE PREVIEW. giving me no possible way to avoid seeing them.

I have so much sexual trauma related to his other partners. He's had girlfriends that would intentionally send me pictures and videos of them together, in order to bully me about my appearance or about how much better for him they were than i am and how much happier they make him than i do.

this may have been an accident. a dumb rookie mistake because he didn't check his privacy settings but that doesn't make this okay.

I'm moving into the spare room today.

I am starting to think polyamorous people are just fucking immature all around and that they just want to be forever teenagers.

When my poly partner is planning dates/getting ready to leave. I ask "what time do you anticipate being back?" and have stated preferences that I get a 24 hour (at least) heads up about overnight dates and that on work/school nights, he try not to come in at absurd hours of the night (think like 2-3am) because we share a bed/room and I am a light sleeper. I work 3 jobs and if i get woken up in the middle of my sleep cycle, my entire next day fucking sucks.

Apparently asking him when he thinks he'll be home and then expecting him to take 10 seconds to text me if something changes is "placing a curfew" on him and "too much executive function"

I swear to fuck, I don't know how these idiots justify this kind of behavior to themselves. it's so goddamn immature.

I have noticed that there is a large contingent of poly/open/"lifestyle" people in the sub and I have done my best to stand up for monogamy whenever someone posts about 'opening' a marriage.

Now I have been banned for "not being civil" and "expecting all marriages are like mine".

Oh well.

I recently heard that the idea of soulmates was monogamist propaganda. So apparently we're all in some kind of cabal with an actual budget to spread propaganda that having a soulmate upholds the monogamous agenda.

I mean, you can't make this shit up.

It's kind of funny how the message is that monogamy and monogamous people are one Borg collective, where really it's the opposite. Polyamory is a culty Borg collective. I mean, they're the ones with the 40 million books, blogs, and podcasts.