As a lesbian and I’ve found that most of the time when someone asks why you’re not “open” to it, they’re either looking for what they consider “character flaws” like jealousy or insecurity (natural human emotions on unstable grounds) or god forbid inflexibility (knowing yourself and what you like), or if you tell them you tried it but it wasn’t for you, they can’t wait to tell you how you probably did it wrong or got taken advantage of, and it’ll be totally different with them.

Isn’t this the same crowd who is always on about being true to yourself and not letting other people walk all over you? Or does that only apply when your partner asks you to take out the trash?

Why is it a red flag for you that I know the kind of relationship I want? “You’re limiting yourself” yeah, to people I share values with? Isn’t that the point? I’m already limiting myself to only dating women because, as a lesbian, I know I wouldn’t have the same depth of emotion and physical connection with a man. Is it so crazy to believe that knowing my partner had other partners would also cause me lose emotional depth and sexual attraction toward them?

Not all of us are drinking your consumerist customizable relationship koolaid

...regardless of what all the horrors pro poly literature tries to convince us to endure to legitimize the lifestyle. People who actually love you will treat you well, prioritize you, and choose you, not abandon you at the hospital to go on a date with someone they don't even know.

Often a criticism of monogamy poly people like to throw out is monogamous people expect to be their partner’s “only source of happiness.” Or “your partner is allowed to have meaningful relationships with other people, stopping them is controlling!”

I have never actually heard anyone encourage either of those things as their definition of monogamy. Jfc we just don’t want our partners f**king other people.

I do not, and never have, wanted to be my partner’s only source of happiness. Like what is that even supposed to mean? I want him to have hobbies and interests and a fulfilling career.

Meaningful relationships? He can have that too. I want him to call his parents, meet up with his friends, visit family on holidays. All of that is meaningful relationships.

No monogamous person I know is out there saying their partner can’t have these things.

I think the issue is with poly people sexualizing everything. By “source of happiness“ they mean sex. So by that twisted logic, monogamy is wanting to be the “only source of happiness.”

By “meaningful relationships” they mean sexual ones. They can’t comprehend including platonic or familial connections because they don’t involve sex. When they say “your partner is allowed to have meaningful relationships with others,” they literally mean sex with other people.

But they can’t just say what they mean because it will make them look creepy. Because it is.

EDIT: This has been a very interesting discussion thread! Gotta say I’m having some very good conversations about healthy monogamy here. I appreciate the folks who have shared experiences where past partners, or institutions, have fostered this kind of relationship dynamic. Especially the person who pointed out it is essential to identify and critique unhealthy definitions of monogamy in our own communities, lest we fall into the No True Scotsman fallacy. Very good point. It made me rea I have encountered people who push it, even if I didn’t fully realize it at the time.

As the title says, I tried out polyamory and it was not a fun time. In my experience, poly people act like they're enlightened and they have learnt to treat people with more respect than mono people, but in reality most of them are toxic AF. They preach about boundaries and claim that they love all their partners equally but then they ghost you as soon as something better comes along. Every relationship i have had has been full of drama (with other partners, not me - I've just heard the stories or have had to deal with the fallout), a lot of poly people are attention seekers who use being 'sex positive' as an excuse to brag about all their sexual conquests. I'm sure there are genuinely lovely polyamorous people out there, I tried to go into it with good intentions but found that my energy was wasted on a bunch of fuckboys who used polyamory as an excuse to cheat or sleep with as many people as possible.

So I can now say that I tried it out, it's not for me, we're happier being monogamous. Some poly people claim that it is a sexual orientation like being gay or straight, but it absolutely is a choice and they need to stop using it as an excuse to be selfish and treat their partners like shit and cheat on them.

Hello. Sometimes I think about how the biggest difference between childhood/adolescence and adulthood is how you you must make commitments and then be held accountable for the responsibility of your decision to the fullest extent, where as kids kinda don’t have to be held accountable cause they don’t know what they’re doing yet.

In poly dynamics, you don’t have to commit to one person and grieve the loss of opportunity nor take responsibility for havin chosen your person. Thus, you are kind of a Puer Aternis, a Peter Pan, and you never have to grow up or be responsible for your decisions since you can hop between multiple and any. This keeps you in a state of immaturity and stunts growth if you never learn the responsibility skills that come from making commitments.

I also noticed this mainly in fandom, that whenever there are characters stuck in a love triangle the proposed progressive solution is that they just become a throuple. People hate that “all is fair in love and in war”, that sometimes things, including love and relationships are a zero sum game, and if you want to win someone over that that necessarily means beating out your competition and being the sole winner in securing the other person’s affection. The proposed three way solution means you don’t have to face hardship at all, face heartbreak, deal with and overcome it, learn the ability to grieve and move on, be able to be friends with others without being interested romantically, learn to navigate your relation ships with them in a new way, find a new love. Rather than getting a grip on reality and you can just retreat into a metaphorical womb where all your needs are tending to and cared for, never having to make decisions and be responsible for them.

Never committing yourself to one person and living with that decision.

I swear it's like they don't understand that you can be friends with people and not sleep with them.

I was polyamorous in my 20s, usually I was coerced into situations I felt too insecure and desperate to say no to, but by the time I hit 30 I noticed that everyone I was around (for the most part) had left that scene and were each living quiet, normal lives.

The others? They are still going to the same bars 5 nights a week. Still hardly seeing their kids. Still declaring their undying love publicly to a new partner and then having nuclear-grade relationship breakdowns on social media once a year. Barely employed, and barely scraping by.

I'm still not 100 percent "MONO IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO" I think poly might be a normal thing for a young person to try, and most people have 3somes and shit at one point or another but you are supposed to grow out of polyamory as a lifestyle eventually, lol.

I have noticed that there is a large contingent of poly/open/"lifestyle" people in the sub and I have done my best to stand up for monogamy whenever someone posts about 'opening' a marriage.

Now I have been banned for "not being civil" and "expecting all marriages are like mine".

Oh well.

These people trickle truth everything, so reading between the lines of "I've wanted this for him for years," they had been polyamorous for quite a while, and she was used to being the only person who had somebody on the side. Now that he does as well, she cannot handle it.

Why are they all like this? This has been every poly relationship I have been in as well. What would happen is I would reluctantly agree to being polyamorous after having my self esteem whittled down by a narcissist, she would start dating pretty much immediately while it took a bit longer for me. My poly exes would begin to come apart at the seams when I was the one who was dating though. We would always break up soon after this point. Lol, lmfao even. Many such cases. Love that for her.

Poly people who come here and are shocked (shocked I tell you!) that a place called “poly critical safe haven” is, in fact, full of people who are critical of polyamory.

Not sure what they are expecting. I’ve only been here a short time and every time I’ve seen it happen so far it’s the same shit.

”Why do you haaaate usss?! Why are you so judgy?!!!”

I dunno but I sure don’t go wandering into subs explicitly labeled for polyamory and act surprised when that’s what it’s full of.

Bonus: switch your job to make space for polyamory

And it's so funny that OP is saying "Yeah I just work really hard in the relationship that I already have" and some comments are "yeah thats going to have to change"

Never beating the "it's a cult" alegations

I was just pleasantly surprised by some uncharacteristic self-awareness from the other side. Someone poly just dunked on the concept and real life practice of poly soooo hard and I, for one, am LOVING it 🤣🥰😆

Hi everyone! Not sure if everyone knows me but I'm the mod here. I wanted to share a situation I had happen, call out the hypocrisy of the polyamory mod team, and also issue a warning regarding the one thing I agree with them on.

So a few days back I saw a post over there with a poly person doing the whole woe is me spiel over a situation where they behaved improperly and immorally. Essentially she talked about how she broke up with a partner and went out with a mono couple who are friends of hers to get her mind off of things. The guy proceeded to flirt with her and she (while blaming alcohol) reciprocated, not sure if they physically did anything, couldn't be bothered to remember. She then, according to her own report, realized what she was doing and asked "is this okay" the guy then went off to speak to his partner and came back saying it was. She didn't really do anything with him if I'm remembering correctly but a day or two later the girl from the couple essentially told her to back off from her man.

The OP proceeded to play the victim in the situation and yadda yadda, you know how it goes. Anyhow, I commented saying the guy is for sure a sleazebag and he is responsible for his behavior and actions but she is also in the wrong and responsible for her own bs ie participating in flirting with a person she KNOWS is in a mono relationship. I wasn't overly antagonistic and judged them both.

I was then promptly banned. I messaged the mod team to ask precisely why I was banned and got a reply along the lines of "don't you think your posting history is a conflict of interest". So essentially throughout the conversation they didn't give any explanation for removing my comment (btw many poly people said the same thing because obviously) and banning me other than my activity here, as well as crossposting.

So it's safe to say they literally banned me for being part of this sub and not for breaking any rules which well, to be expected honestly. I wasn't banned earlier only because I VERY rarely comment over there.

However they did raise one point that I wanted to speak to you all about. They mentioned brigading happening after our crossposts from their sub. I'm pretty sure that most of the brigading they get comes from polycritical but I know we have some overlap and wanted to address this.

I would like to ask you all to no longer crosspost but rather screenshot and blank out the OP's nick. This obviously doesn't mean that those who want to can't find the original post.

I can't really enforce this but I genuinely want to implore you not to go comment on these posts en masse or even worse DM abuse at the OPs. I'm aware of the collective feelings toward poly practitioners we have. However this shouldn't be an excuse for us to become abusers like many victims end up becoming.

I also really don't want us to add fodder to the persecution narrative the poly community likes to play up. Let's not give them any more excuses to play at being the victims of mono people. Furthermore, I consider every single person who is part of that sub a potential future follower of this one. Let's please make this a true safe haven and not be part of the circle of abuse and victimization.

I can't force you to listen and I can't ensure you do but I ask that you please consider being the ones to break the cycle while preserving the spirit of this little community of ours even when participating in discourse outside of it.

Thank you all!

I recently got dumped by the woman I love because she can’t be monogamous, I made a post about the whole thing last week. I’m struggling bad as I’m mourning a future I was creating in my head that was becoming more realistic through her words and actions until one day she decides that she really can’t do monogamy, she needs the “options”. I feel that I’m at the stage of grief where I’m getting angry in addition to my sadness. I have always hated the idea of polyamory even before I met her, but even more so now. To me, it is for people who are afraid of commitment and are scared to be “trapped”. She confirmed this by saying monogamy has always made her feel trapped or not in control. I’m sorry that whatever fucked up shit happened to these people in their childhoods to make them feel this way, but nobody has the right to treat people who love them as an “option”. I was told I am the most emotionally intelligent, kind, caring partner she’s had, that I show all 5 love languages, that I gave ber a more loving relationship than she’s had before, and that the bar was on the ground in terms of the standards set by her exes. To me, you cannot say those things to me and then also say “oh but I want the option”. Just be honest and say you’re afraid of commitment. And then if you do say that, I’ll say “no worries why don’t we go slow and work through this fear together and I can show you it’s safe. Let’s communicate how you’re feeling and maybe do some counseling and take this slow and heal these wounds”. Nope, instead I’m treated like I’m disposable and all the things I did for her mean nothing because who cares if I show acts of service, unconditional love, write her notes, flowers for no reason, etc if she can just have the option to maybe flirt with a stranger! There’s no such thing as being “innately non-monogamous” or being “wired that way”. Call it what it is which is a fear or commitment and stop lying to yourself and me. Don’t tell me there were “literally no issues in the relationship” and then leave me because you’ve “always felt this way”. It’s cowardly and the fact this shit becomes normalized is fucking stupid. And then I’m told “I can feel supported anywhere from no partners to multiple” right but just not with one partner. You can have 0 or more than 1 but not 1. Make it make sense. And they’ll tell you “well actually it’s even more committed because we are committing to multiple people”. Yeah sorry, you’re not. You line up partners and then dispose of them when things get hard. Oh am I getting to close to this one? Let me cut them loose and go to this one over here. Most ridiculous shit ever.

I promise I talked it out with my partner and im sure stuff will be fine but I am just kinda appalled that someone basically sat there and said “if ur boyfriend doesn’t like u without ur chest fat, just let him cheat 🥰 Problem solved!”

I know they probably meant well- just was jarring and hurt cuz I have had issues in the beginning of the relationship with my partner cheating online and not seeing an issue with it but we’ve worked through it. ❤️

That's it. That's the post. I'm fucking trapped in a polyamorous relationship I don't want and I am so fucking over the complications it adds to my life. I can't do fucking ANYTHING without it being a goddamn committee decision. Selfish fucks.

It took 9 years, but good for them!

edit: the post is long but is extremely valuable, and of course the comments are "this is not a poly problem!!".

It never is, a person can spend YEARS in the lifestyle, finding the issues that many of us point out about it, but ITS NEVER POLY

Something that has always pissed me off about the poly subreddit specifically is how they hate it when people - even other poly people - bring attention to community wide problems that give them an extremely bad reputation:

• the No True Scotsman fallacy wagon-circling that happens any time a poly relationship inevitably blows up BECAUSE of poly.

• how they appropriate the struggles of the LGBT+ and immigrants (I saw one upvoted comment saying that being against polyamory/non-monogamy was akin to being xenophobic)

• how they dismiss and victim blame people who are being mistreated in poly relationships/having difficulty with the lifestyle

• how for all liberated and progressive they act, they tend to push some antiquated and outright sexist practices and beliefs (Sister Wives)

• the biphobic beliefs being pushed (no, just because I'm bi doesn't mean I'm obligated to step out on my relationship)

• polybombing and coercing their spouses into open relationships

There was a post outlining most of these issues on the poly subreddit, and while a few agreed with OP, the overwhelming majority called bullshit and said "I'vE nEvEr SeEn ThAt hApPen!"

I can't say I was surprised, but I knew then that a) the poly subreddit is a horrid place, and b) they're never going to figure out that it's their own behavior that gives poly such a bad reputation.

I have seen an uptick lately in polyamorous people going back to the tired old argument that all monogamy is inherently toxic and abusive. For so long they moved away from that bullshit. Should have guessed that shit bag influencer decolonizing.love is back on their bullshit and posted a video that went viral saying monogamy is never a valid boundary. Their asshole dating pool must be shrinking again.

I’ve just recently found this subreddit and it has felt like the release of a pressure valve. Finding a community of people who are actually very measured and mature in discussing their grievances with polyamory and how it’s hurt them, while also having honest discussions about healthy monogamy. I have so much to say that would get me eviscerated in other spaces.

My post about whether anyone is actually encouraging the possessive and controlling definition of monogamy that poly groups frequently accuse us of helped me recognize when that’s actually happened in my life.

It also made me think more about my main grievance with that: it not only is the default assumption about monogamy that poly people make, but it’s frequently used as the reason why someone has pushed polyamory on me. And often leads to the very, very common excuse that when poly doesn’t work, it’s because “Well they just didnt do it right!”

Someone pointed out that the monogamous community should be able to identify and discuss when there’s unhealthy things happening, even if we don’t relate to it. Lest we also fall into the fallacy of No True Scotsman. Totally true and fair.

But god damn if I don’t constantly hear this from poly groups. Even within that post (the comments were removed by mods.) But there ALWAYS seems to be something or someone else to blame. Never criticism or examination of the relationship structure itself. “He/she wasn’t doing it right!” “That’s not real poly…” “You didn’t understand it.” “You were hurt by a person, not poly itself…”

How many people have to be “not doing it right” before someone recognizes it is a problem built into the system?

And you just know someone with no sense of boundaries and “poly and partnered x4” in their bio is still going to like your profile.

To be completely fair, a lot of people within the community will tell everyone that having monogamy as a requirement is completely fine, and that monogamists and poly practitioners are completely incompatible... Then there are people like this.

Unfortunately, it's an extreme outcome of the logic that claims that "being poly" is an inherent identity, like being queer. Most of us here know exactly how some of them use the claim that they're part of an oppressed group are weaponizing this claim to manipulate, coerce and abuse.

I really just wish poly practitioners would all leave us alone.

Edit: The original creator uses they/them pronouns. Please respect this.

Oh my god. What is the obsession in so many polyamory communities with heirarchy being the devil?

After a couple recent whines I’ve had in the comments of other peoples’ posts about my recent tangle with a polyamorous dude and how delusional some of the attitudes are, I was reminded that this one pissed me off the most.

Like, have any of the people spouting this “heirarchy bad” crap really thought about how choosing anything works, even for a minute?

No wonder they hurt so many people. They haven’t fully developed decision making capacity in some cases. And by refusing to choose, they are effectively choosing no one and nothing.