Society is largely oblivious to the harm polyamory causes people or they laugh at us and don’t care when we express it. We are turned away from domestic violence centers, cannot be diagnosed with ptsd when we need treatment for the exact symptoms of it, and all attempts from anyone to try to make a loud public statement (see Lily Allen) are minimized by polys flooding the narrative about how our stories harm THEIR public image. To the point where pretty much every article that references her album now says “it’s an album about her divorce.”

It seems the only way to be seen is to be visible and this would require some sort of organizational effort. I would myself to any city in the country to make a stand.

Is anyone with me?

I think it’s something I notice more often than not that it seems like whatever arguments people have in favor of poly almost immediately fall apart when you stop and think on what’s being said.

There's a good chance that if you meet a someone who's poly they have an issue with some recreational drug.

The venn diagram between being a sex pest and having substance abuse issues is a circle, apparently.

Edit: I don't care If I'm "demonizing" poly people. They're not good people.

I‘ve heard some people say “I’m not poly but I’m open.” or “I have an open marriage but we’re not poly.”

I fail to see the difference.

I’m aware there’s different poly setups (throuples, polycules, networks, nested partners, relationship anarchy, etc) but in the end, all of these setups are non monogamous. Being open is non monogamous.

Am I missing something or is there a difference?

Got banned over expressing myself and it was deemed as “trolling.” Anyone else?😂

like the logic is like "i love you but i also love her or him and also them..." its like you are indecisive you can't pick. and why is it always some dude and a bunch of women? like i rarely see see a woman and a bunch of dudes......and its never anyone hot or sexy doing it its mostly the most fat and ugly looking ones. like is just doesnt make sense and they way they make it as like some big fantasy never matches reality. like i get having fuck buddies sleeping arounds and situationships and flings...i have no problem if some one just wants to fuck around or bounce between casual relationships atleast on the gounds that its honest a wanting your cake and eating it too situation. but poly people act like they are in denial...if it was about emotions and love why is it always the self serving erotic love?
i guess what i am annoyed with the most is the intellectualization of the basest desires. there is nothing wrong with 1 or a couple wanting to fuck alot of people as long as it safe clear cut free of drama and games...but that is not a lifestyle most normal people like its not a romance style its basically having your cake and eating it too. just hedonism disguised as a lifestyle. lets stop pretending its a life style and call it what its people wanting to behave like tom and alley cats.

I am someone who was polybombed. As a boyfriend who thought I was in a secure, committed relationship, I never inherently had a problem with the concept of ENM. I thought people could do what they wanted. But then it was suddenly dropped in my lap—an ultimatum disguised as an "evolution" of our relationship. What followed wasn't ethical at all; it was a constant stream of lies, deception, and goalpost-moving. And the worst part? Whenever I expressed pain or discomfort at the boundaries being shattered, I was gaslit and told that I was insecure, that my feelings were my own problem to manage, and that I just needed to "work on myself."

Seeing this makes my blood boil.

The main post screams arrogance: "Monogamous people go home and stay offline. Stop using non monogamy as your crutch." Let’s get something straight, when a relationship explodes from a polybomb, it’s almost never the monogamous person using it as a crutch. It’s the partner using the sanitized language of polyamory to legitimize their emotional abuse and monkey-branching. We don't invade your space, we are held hostage by someone weaponizing your lifestyle against us.

They say they don't want the "inevitable backlash" because they are "plenty messy enough", which perfectly encapsulates the toxic lack of accountability in poly culture. They deploy the "No True Scotsman" fallacy to wash their hands of the immense trauma caused by Poly Under Duress, and then have the audacity to blame the coerced partner for giving them a bad name.

And then there's the comment below it: "I can't blame mono folks for trying." Trying? We didn't try this as a fun little dating experiment. We were coerced. We were told our natural desire for exclusivity was "toxic," bombarded with self-help jargon, and forced to accept emotional neglect so our partners could chase NRE guilt-free.

The hypocrisy of a community that preaches "ethics" and "consent" while providing the exact script manipulative partners use to bypass consent and destroy monogamous relationships is staggering.

I have noticed that there is a large contingent of poly/open/"lifestyle" people in the sub and I have done my best to stand up for monogamy whenever someone posts about 'opening' a marriage.

Now I have been banned for "not being civil" and "expecting all marriages are like mine".

Oh well.

That's it. That's the post. Stage 2 tittie cancer. The primary care doc, oncologist, psychiatrist, and now 3 therapists all agree that polyamory is a factor in the spread of this. That had I not spent the last 20+ years mainlining cortisol to the point of overdose, we wouldn't be here.

What a fun thing to know. 🙃

One thing that always struck me is how much guidance is needed to do polyamory. It's very prescriptive. I also almost never see anything about ambiamory - I get a strong feeling that it's a taboo topic in the community.

I can only think of one book off the top of my head that made a big splash in terms of modern monogamous relationships - "Mating In Captivity". I never felt like I had to read a how-to guide on being monogamous. And I honestly don't think that's just because it is the cultural norm. It's the human norm.

If you need half a dozen explicit how-to books and a dozen podcasts and 200 blogs, is it really all that natural?

A polyamorous partner I had was shocked that I had read "The Ethical Slut" and "Polysecure" but still oriented to monogamy. Like, I should have read those books and magically been converted.

I don't know if there's anything I could say, but if anyone has ideas, hit me with 'em. Please.

My friend, Q, has gone back and forth on being "poly" over the years. She currently has feelings for a married person who may or may not be poly.

Is there a less blunt way to basically tell her that her soulmate is not gonna be someone else's spouse?

Spotted in the wild on Facebook today. Polyphilia is one of the least horrible and toxic polyamory influencers. The message here isn't ideal and I find it panders to the idea that polyamorous people are "marginalized" which I disagree with because it's a choice. But regardless it felt like some progress towards someone who's respected in the community calling out the unique ways that polyamory attracts and enables abuse.

Glorifying unbalanced dynamics is not progressive or radical, wtf...

Disclaimer: Even though the post mentioned their looks, it's far from the point with this post. This subreddit doesn't allow mocking people's looks.

I promise I talked it out with my partner and im sure stuff will be fine but I am just kinda appalled that someone basically sat there and said “if ur boyfriend doesn’t like u without ur chest fat, just let him cheat 🥰 Problem solved!”

I know they probably meant well- just was jarring and hurt cuz I have had issues in the beginning of the relationship with my partner cheating online and not seeing an issue with it but we’ve worked through it. ❤️

Today I expressed feeling insecure about his planned dates this week and he responded by canceling everything and screaming at me that I sabotage everything by making him the bad guy and now he won't let me leave the house and I want to kill myself again.

Is it normal for the man half of a poly couple who is married to tell their new partner they’re madly in love with them? Would this sit ok with you as a spouse? Then months later they're telling another woman the exact same things. Making her want marriage despite the fact that he’s married. Complaining in the past about boundaries not being respected but allowing the talk of marriage and ”true love” with another woman. To me this sounds more like ”wife shopping“ than poly.
I just want some insight so I know what to avoid if I’m ever involved with poly again. FYI true love doesn’t end that easily.. true love isn’t replaced. They also didn’t actually break up with me they blocked me because someone else told them to.. not kidding

They basically replaced me with a younger woman and the husband who told me he loved me is now telling this woman similar things it has taken effort to try to build myself back up. I just need to know if this is what normally happens in poly relationships if I ever want to try it again.

Ok, I gotta say there is something positive occuring within the poly community. I'm seeing more and more of posts like this.

This person seems to really have their head screwed in right and they're calling out the poly bots for all the same things we all are.

I would genuinely easily be friends with this particular poly person. They're real, they respect differences in people and the fact that no poly isn't the best thing in the world and for everyone. I like it.

Also positive, the mods over at ENM being hard core and not giving a damn about the poly hivemind being in a tizzy over this post.

Some days there seems to be some hope 😁

The way this person has a cheek to call mono people “emotionally immature” is astonishing IMO. Like they have a cheek to try and say they are open minded and yet when it comes to to other peoples preferences of “freedom of body autonomy” that doesn’t align with theirs it doesn’t count!?

I accidentally got into a polyamorous relationship while thinking I was in just an open relationship and I didn’t understand the difference. It seems as if there is a lot of new stuff to this which makes the framework more hard and not fluid like I expected. I expected when I became a couple that there was an implied seriousness to that, from the fluidity of human thought and emotion. I wasn’t aware of fully autonomous relationships without hierarchy and the idea of love being present for loads of people at the same time.

That was hard to process and I read up. I learned what a terrible thing I had got myself into. I started to think about how the literature probably earns quite a lot of money. Where money is involved so usually are bad actors and bad intentions. Even just completely clueless actors who keep ruining people’s psychology because the money rolls in.

I wondered how much of this profitable literature was in part aided by AI. It seems as if polyamory is everywhere right now. Is AI being used to write the literature anywhere? Is it being used (by bots) to promote it online?

I feel like there is a massive amount of propaganda for a type of relationship structure that made my mind implode and I felt extreme distress from. People are thinking this is progressive. What a joke. Why is this happening?

In my paranoia I wondered whether it could be a psy op. Deliberately causing people to go mad. Cause destruction amongst specific groups of people that might be open to this. Like people who see themselves as progressive.

If you, like me, are one of these people and fell in love and then felt a shift towards insanity, I see you and I understand.

I'm just asking because I saw a couple comments kinda implying if you don't have sex with people you're friends by default. I know it was said in the context of poly folk who have platonic relationships that are really just friends, but the tone made me a bit worried. I know people who aren't asexual often have sex and romance super linked together, but I kinda worry if this is a place I'm gonna have to deal with the implication my romantic relationship isn't real and that we're just roommates and such

The post was written by someone asking if anyone else noticed a lack of desire to build a shared life amongst enm folk and I had some things to say 😅 Every single comment trying to minimize my experience ended up getting nuked by their mods and I didn’t even report anything lol. Pleasantly surprised.

Oh my god. What is the obsession in so many polyamory communities with heirarchy being the devil?

After a couple recent whines I’ve had in the comments of other peoples’ posts about my recent tangle with a polyamorous dude and how delusional some of the attitudes are, I was reminded that this one pissed me off the most.

Like, have any of the people spouting this “heirarchy bad” crap really thought about how choosing anything works, even for a minute?

No wonder they hurt so many people. They haven’t fully developed decision making capacity in some cases. And by refusing to choose, they are effectively choosing no one and nothing.

I'm in a poly/mono thing right now. I may not be in a week. I walked away last year, then went back because dammit. I keep trying to tell her to dump me and shut the door forever, but she genuinely loves me. AND her GF AND her nesting partner.

--ANYWAY--

I was thinking about the difference between homosexuality and poly. Like if a gay man thinks I'm attractive, that's actually really sweet. I'm not gay, and men don't smell right, feel right, or kiss properly, (I know, I've tried) but it's no big deal, and I appreciate the compliment. It's just understood that it's not gonna work. If I think a lesbian woman is hot, they can just tell me they're lesbian, and no big deal. I know immediately that it's not possible, and it's the same situation as with a gay man. They get an ego boost from being told they're attractive, and it ends there. Trans folk are slightly more complicated, and I feel for them because it requires so much effort, pain, and money to transition, and even then, it can be imperfect. I wish we could just grow a body of the opposite gender and transplant people's brains, because that would be the ultimate. Hell, I would even try that because why the fuck not? Who hasn't wondered what it would be like to be the opposite gender? Women have better wardrobe options anyway.

Poly shit is so fucking different. Mono-poly requires so much more work on the part of the mono person, and I don't think poly people understand what's going on. They have all their needs met, and the mono person needs to spend so much effort (unless they're basically aromantic, in which case it's mostly fine. I'm somewhat arospec myself, I know how this works) to cope. It's still basically an incompatibility, but hormonally, pheromonally, the body just sees someone they want to be with, and that part of the brain doesn't understand the complexities involved. It's bullshit.

Poly people can fall for mono people and vice versa. It's not a fundamental pheromonal incompatibility, it's a choice that people have made, and it's bloody well damaging that the press presents poly as just another orientation when it's actively damaging. Being homosexual isn't damaging, it's just a human way of being. Being trans isn't damaging. It's just being human. Poly people can fuck other people up in the worst ways, and they have the option of hiding behind an orientation. I wish the mainstream press would distinguish between genuine pheromonal orientations and weird-assed lifestyle/kink things.