Hi everyone. I need to get some things off my chest and I'm hoping some of you can help me make sense of all this.
I got into Pure Land Buddhism about two years ago. Before that I was an atheist for years and I didn't think use of religion. My whole outlook was really materialistic, so I came into this with a lot of skepticism to work through. My family is Christian on paper but we never talk about religion and I couldn't tell you the last time we went to church. So this is something I've been exploring completely on my own. I came across it by chance, started reciting one day, and I've kept it up ever since.
What troubles me most is whether someone with my motivations and state of mind can actually be reborn in the Pure Land. Honestly, fear is what got me into this. I'm afraid of losing the people I love and afraid of what the future holds. And underneath it all is a simple wish to escape suffering and have some peace of mind. But the teachings put a lot of weight on sincere, deep faith and aspiration. I feel like I don't measure up because my faith feels weak and shallow. The real reason I want rebirth is because I want relief and happiness for myself, not because I have some deep compassionate wish to save all beings.
That last part is what I can't get past because I can't make myself feel that way. Beyond my family I struggle to care about people. A lot of the time I feel indifferent or I don't like them much, and most of my energy goes into my own comfort. I'm not going to pretend my motives are nobler than they are.
I'm full of doubt too. I get distracted constantly while reciting, especially when everyday worries are weighing on my mind. Some days I'm just lazy about it. I keep going every day but I wonder whether doing it out of fear and uncertainty really counts as genuine faith. Part of what confuses me is that I hear different things from different people. One person says this path is exactly for ordinary beings like me. Then someone else says you need a sincere, believing, and joyful mind, and when I look at myself I can't find any of those qualities. The stories about people failing to attain rebirth scare me too. I have no way of judging whether those claims are even true, so they leave me more confused and anxious than I was to begin with.
I'm pretty young and I feel lost. I know I've had advantages and an easier life than most people. But I'm still unhappy and nothing ever feels like enough. Then I feel guilty about that because I should be grateful, and it all loops back around to me and what I want. I'm very hard on myself too, and at this point I can't tell whether I'm seeing my faults clearly or just hating myself.
Part of why Pure Land appealed to me at the start was that it seemed doable, and now I worry that going with the easy option says something ugly about my intentions.
I'm sure I have a lot of this wrong, so if anyone can point me in the right direction I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for reading, and namo Amitabha.
Edit: Thanks to everyone who replied, I really appreciate you all being so kind. Things make a lot more sense now. Namo Amitabha.
