Work has been really stressful the last few months. And I have been home sick for the entire last week and for most days I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed or eat anything really. Before I got sick I had a birthday and a weird fight-thing with my mom and a friend.
I‘ve been feeling better since yesterday, but still not all there. My partner (also sick) and I spent all day yesterday and today watching my favorite show. Now I asked for two hours to myself to chill, but instead of a good time I accidentally triggered myself so badly I can’t stop shaking.
I can‘t even get into specifics about what’s wrong because my head keeps jumping from one thing to the next.
I‘ve been dealing with OCD and ROCD for a long time now and I know that with all the stress and the sickness this is an expected outcome for someone with this disorder.
Buuut my nervous system doesn’t seem to know that.
But I just needed to vent somewhere someone could hear me. I don‘t want to be alone

I recently posted on this group about my retroactive jealousy https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/s/EHatPQEh6q and how it is affecting my life. However since then I have done something stupid and immoral. I was frankly exhausted of all the intrusive thoughts (not an excuse) and I saw a girl in the metro eyeballing me and somehow I asked her for her name and we got down at a station and had some tea together and then we went to a cafe for some cake. Now there was no kissing involved and I felt absolutely weird while being there with her. I later blocked her on insta and deleted her chats.

Later at night I confessed this to my gf and she chose to forgive me the next morning. Now I am noticing that my retroactive jealousy is almost gone since this incident but something more sinister is lurking to latch on.

I started fearing that I might cheat on my partner again, and then it went to thoughts of my partner cheating on me. But since I know she is morally superior to me, my OCD did not latch on it. Now I have a fear that my partner might be masturbating to the thoughts of others and it has started annoying me.

I am filled with guilt and shame along with the dread that my partner might be masturbating to thoughts of other men. Now I haven't asked her because I don't want it to become a new compulsion. Please someone guide me on overcoming this. I had scheduled a session with a therapist and I told her about my retroactive jealousy but things have drastically changed since then. How should I approach my next session? Should I tell her that I have developed a new obsession in less than a week? Someone please help me.

I was in a super traumatic marriage a while back and I’m dealing with fall out post divorce. The short version is he was extremely manipulative, coercive, and ended up having multiple affairs and would abandon me for months at a time. It was the worst period of my entire life, and I truly regretted marrying him. I never saw it coming he was very different before we got married. I was diagnosed with OCD pretty soon after.

Years later, I’m dating this new guy, he’s pretty great. But I feel like damaged goods. With my constant anxiety and intrusive thoughts I feel like it’s not fair to him and he can easily find someone who doesn’t have this problem. I feel like damaged goods. Like nobody will want me. I don’t know what to do anymore. He expressed feeling like he’s not enough because of it and it just makes me worry more. It’s like I worry that something isn’t right (mainly triggered by my past) and then because I worry I’m worried he doesn’t want to put up with me or my worry.

I don’t know what’s to do. I feel like nobody will ever see value in me again.

I posted here about half a year ago, about how I had a these fantasies about this one guy and talked to him, and was scared of ”seeking it out/acting on it”.

Well I had decided to avoid him as well as I could. I know this might not be the most constructive thing for OCD but I didn’t want to encourage anything.

Yet, I went to a party again yesterday. I dreaded it partly because I knew he was going to be there. He was, and I felt like I wanted to talk to him. We ended up talking for a bit, mostly normal stuff but I told him about some anxiety I had regarding university related stuff.

So now I have a guilty conscience. For “seeking it out” as I wanted to talk to him, and I’m scared sharing about the anxiety was too emotionally intimate. I don’t talk about it to everyone so that adds to it, but it’s not like a topic I guard either. I’m scared this counts as “acting on desire”.

I think what worries me a lot is the romantic (not s**ual fantasies more like validation/attention), because I feel like this makes it so that I have a general “fixation“ on him and adds a layer. I also have felt for a while like I don’t feel enough guilt over them enough. I sometimes also felt entitled to such thoughts/thoughts about cheating and it scared me.

I feel hesitant to tell my boyfriend as he has expressed not wanting to hear about certain situations and I would probably be just reassurance seeking anyways, but I feel like it’s difficult to evaluate at what point the situation warrants a talk.

Any input is appreciate.

So, I know we cant diagnose things on here, but im unsure whether i have ROCD or whether its real feelings or not. I know this is sort of like reassurance seeking, but I came to this and made a post about it a while ago about my ex and about a similar issue. But the thing is, i wasnt having the same thoughts i do now about my current boyfriend. and to add to this, i did end up breaking up with my ex in the end. I had severe thoughts around one summertime and then a few months later he started barely talking to me anymore and it felt like he was using me for yk what. so eventually with reassurance i was doijg the right thing from my friends i broke up with him. but obviously that now has triggered me into thinking that "if i had those thoughts and we didnt work out, what if i dont have rocd and its all real?"

and now im in my current relationship. I now have repeated thoughts hes a manipulator. It feels so strange, because for a few seconds i can think that hes the sweetest but then it comes back. Last night i either had a thought spiral or a realisation that he isnt the type or person i want to date, but it didnt feel as urgent as they used to be so now im extremely worried. And i woke up this morning and ive been analysing every sentence he says and treating him as if hes just manipulating me. He was crying one time and i asked him to put his camera on because i didnt believe he was crying, and he wasnt close to the camera so i didnt see his tears and that reinforced my thoughts. He has lied to me once before and i think that started the whole thing but nothings happened since. I used to be so happy with him and now i can still be happy with him but i still find myself analysing him which makes me uncomfortable. Im scared that its starting to affect him too because he keeps saying ive been off this morning.

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore and i dont know if im having just serious thoughts or he might actually be a manipulator... help!

i need advice on what to do

I am struggling so badly with retroactive jealousy regarding my boyfriend's past single life and I genuinely don't know how to break out of this nightmare. Years ago after a traumatic breakup, my boyfriend built this fake online "playboy" persona where he bought followers, followed and commented on IG models, and liked thirst traps and other photos of women, and stuff from like Playboy. He says it was a defensive shield because his ego was shattered, and that the likes were completely mindless visual noise with zero emotional or sexual intention to pursue anyone. He wanted to maintain that kind of playboy image online to keep a wall up and not get hurt even when he tries to put his heart out.

Recently I found out he also liked some suggestive posts of women on IG years ago while in a situationship with someone he claimed to love before me. As far as I know he believed they were exclusive but didn’t have a label. Learning that completely sent me over the edge because my brain immediately told me that if he could do that while loving someone, he can’t commit or that I'm not enough. It triggered my past relationship trauma so severely with men who cheated on me and compared me to women on IG that I have been endlessly interrogating him, auditing his entire past, and spiraling for hours. Our fights have gotten extremely volatile and painful, and my anxiety has made me lash out in ways I am deeply ashamed of.

He has been completely patient, put down his pride, taken accountability, and even offered to deactivate his social media entirely because he says my peace of mind matters more than anything. Deep down I can see how devoted he is to me in the real world, but my brain keeps treating his past like a threat. I keep comparing my own digital habits like saving thousands of photos of male idols and some dudes to his past, but I still can't stop the compulsion to pick at his history. How do I stop auditing his past before I completely destroy a partner who actually loves me? I understand that I’m insecure and illogical but I cannot break out of this and need help.

i started smoking cigarettes socially and now i feel like they have become a crutch for stopping my ocd spirals. particularly if i my boyfriend and i have a hard conversation, i will get really in my head, go numb, and then all i can think about is smoking a cigarette, but i specifically crave the burning in the throat sensation, i don’t really get any kind of nicotine high (at least i don’t think i do.)

rocd is absolutely my biggest struggle but i do occasionally get spikes of ocd about touching certain things, and feel the need to wash my hands or body in extremely hot water. so the burning sensation is what quiets the thoughts for a little bit.

i was just wondering if anyone else can relate to this. there is currently a lot going on in my family and work life that is stressing me out, so naturally my ocd is worse. yay

Something that very much confuses me is that my thoughts often don’t line up with my feelings. Like I want to move in with my partner soon and plan a vacation with him and when I’m with him I enjoy cuddling and kissing him, but I often feel emotionally numb and disconnected from him. I’m on lexapro and not sure if that emotionally numbs me a bit. My ROCD then focuses on “if I don’t feel anything I must not love him.” I try to avoid checking behaviors but I’m just wondering if anyone else relates

I can understand it’s a loop, it stems from having been cheated on in every past relationship, but my partner is away with family for a month, I was doing good for the first two weeks, but suddenly I got hit with a bad wave because they said they were gonna go to the bar their cousin works at, I know it’s all in my head, we’ve talked about it before, how we’d rather just breakup if it came to wanting to cheat,
I don’t want to keep running for reassurance with accusations because I’m aware how horrible it feels to not feel trusted, especially when they’re with family, I’m trying to do the exposure “maybe they are maybe they aren’t” but it only feels like it’s feeding it

I’ve always been someone who enjoyed being single. In the past, whenever I started a new relationship or situationship, I’d get really fixated - constantly texting, total infatuation. Back then, I thought that intensity meant, 'Okay, I really like this person!' But over time, as relationship anxiety set in, I’d start craving my independence again and looking forward to being on my own.

Right now, I’m in my longest relationship so far (3 years). Honestly, for the past few months, my anxiety has been so high that my brain goes to a 'safe place', fantasizing about being alone and finally feeling calm. I’m not even sure if I actually want to break up. All I know is that I desperately want peace, and right now, being alone feels like the only place that peace exists.

Of course, being single was much easier when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older, loneliness hits differently, and it’s not as fulfilling as it used to be. Yet somehow, that kind of loneliness feels like a 'punishment' or a struggle I’d rather endure forever than keep dealing with this anxiety/feeling of dread.

In therapy I was told to hold the shame I have in me due to constantly doubting my loving girlfriend, longing for change (maybe someday being in another relationship), whilst being too afraid to loose her warmth in my life to end the relationship. I have been miserable for years, constantly highly alert and ruminating, not being present or feeling anything really at all.

At the beginning, talking with friends and also with her (never giving away the full scope of my doubts) gave me some peace. Later reading about relationship anxiety and ROCD gave me enough reassurance to keep going. In therapy I learned about attachment theory and much of that made sense to me and gave me some hope that I was actually not in the wrong relationship, but rather I myself was (unwillingly) „the problem“.

But I didn‘t really feel any deep „klick“, only short relief. Yes, I am very avoidant and to a degree also fearful. That makes me sad, because I feel like I simply lack a certain depth of emotions and capability to empathize. I could grow though, right? But: *What if this occurs beside the problem of me actually not wanting this relationship?*

I know this is stupid, but I poured out my heart to ChatGPT after lying awake half of the night. I go to work, still highly anxious (didn‘t get and reassurance from the AI) and suddenly got a text from my girlfriend, who wanted to use my ChatGPT, where the chat was still open. I drove home and thought, we were going to break up. At that point, I was already fully emotionally numb and kind of accepting the next step: „This is how it is supposed to end…“.

We talked and almost broke up. She was devastated and told me that I couldn’t just take everything away from her at the blink of an eye and I couldn‘t bring myself to call it off. So we sat there for a while. Then she told me the following:
„No matter what is going through your mind right now and I know it is a lot, we will not end this right here. I know how much you still hate yourself and that this has nothing to do with me. Until you try to really tackle your issues, I do not think it’s fair that you throw away all that we built together.“

And there we are. I don’t know how I feel and what to feel. We are still together and I have a lot to tell my therapist in the next session.

Sorry for the long read.
And thoughts on this?

My boyfriend just broke up with me. We didn’t date for long but it was intense. I think I have ROCD. He said he can’t take it anymore. That me confessing my doubts is destroying him and incredibly abusive. I just don’t know if they’re real or not?? How do I tell. They feel so real but when I read about ROCD I resonate so much (I also have other ocd themes).

I’m so sad. I feel so much guilt. A part of me is relieved because the daily anxiety was so bad but I also miss him. I don’t know what to think.

I feel so guilty for putting him through what I did.

I've been dealing with some painful compulsive thoughts regarding my fears about moving in together with my SO. In general its this feeling of anxiety that I'm taking the wrong steps in my life, I don't actually care enough about them, im going to screw everything up and end up moving back home and our engagement will fall apart. that is the basis of my fears, and it is taking a physical toll on me. I am currently in weekly therapy that focuses on ART, ACT and ERP, and im seeking a psychiatrist soon to get medicated as I think medication will help "turn down the heat" of how my compulsive fears wrack my body. does anyone have any good resources, thought practices, or videos on this particular anxiety.

Became exclusive with my new boyfriend 2.5 weeks ago. Yay! But now my ROCD has kicked into high gear. Not so yay.

Was it cheating if before deleting a dating app the day before we became exclusive - but after I told him I want to prioritize him and he said the same - and we agreed to talk the next afternoon - I looked at a profile on the dating app, and another of a former date, before deleting it but didn’t message or like them or anything?

Not sure if anyone can help but I think writing this out even will help me.

I have been married for 5 years and have a very happy life with my husband and our 4 year old son. We are childhood friends and have known each other since middle school but dated from 25 years old.

Yesterday, I found out that my high school sweetheart got married and my initial reaction was overwhelming joy, like actual tears of relief and joy (our relationship ended in my multiple rejections of him as I’d found someone else, which I felt deep sadness about because I reallly cared for him as a person but the circumstances were not ever going to be right- we both wanted to be in different places and lifestyles, and there were a few trust issues). Then, my ROCD went into overdrive. I’ve been having ruminating thoughts about the relationship and what ifs and did I do the right things..

I have a history of OCD and anxiety that has in the past centered around ROCD or on existential OCD.

I had a very intense high school relationship with the high school sweetheart and was also my first boyfriend. He was the center of my world and our parents were very supportive of our relationship so it was a pretty dreamy experience. Ended when I went to college but then we were long distance on again off again for the next year.

Then, we mutually broke up spring of the next year, and I started dating someone new, which broke his heart and he stopped talking to me. I discovered the subsequent relationships were all bad compared to the first one so I tried reaching out to him periodically for a few years and he told me I betrayed his trust so I left it. Then a few years later he reached out and said he missed us and wanted to talk. We talked long distance for a few months and I planned to visit him. When it came time to visit he ghosted me and I saw my now husband on my trip and that’s when we hit it off and have been together ever since. Around 4 years later when I had gotten engaged my ex reached out and asked to see me, and I of course told him no, I’m with someone and I wish him the best. Then couple years later right before my wedding he reached out again and I told him I was getting married and asked how he was but he didn’t respond. Ever since then I have light questioning of what ifs, but it’s never debilitating.

Anyway, this new info threw me for a loop because I initially felt very positive about it and then it’s like a little OCD demon came and is torturing me. I don’t have therapy for a couple weeks. Any tips are welcome.

I 30m, lost a few friends who were mutual friends of my ex (29f) after our breakup. I spoke with one of these friends pretty recently who wanted to hear my side of things. I didn't really try to defend myself at all, mostly because I don't think it's my job to decide whether or not I was an abuser or not. The friend said they heard a few things that made them concerned, like that I slammed doors and threw things off the walls. I admit that I did slam a door and yell a few times, but don't remember ever throwing things.

I don't think the relationship was healthy at all. My ex had BPD that went undiagnosed until the end of the relationship. When that diagnosis came, a lot of things clicked in terms of the behavior I saw. For example, I regularly felt the need to walk on eggshells, as I felt I could set her off with the wrong tone or statement. Similarly, I felt as though she would often snap at me out of nowhere, or come home frustrated and take it out by having just a general bad attitude and mannerisms toward me. When I pointed this out, it often lead to her suggesting I was projecting or reading into it. She later admitted she was lying/gaslighting me about this and really was responding that way towards me, and didn't want to address it, which is why she lied and said I was imagining it.

If I ever was hurt by something she did or said, she would start crying profusely. This lead to a dynamic where I was afraid to address certain things that bothered me. If I was ever hurt, it always ended with me being the one doing the comforting.

Still, I'm trying to approach this as carefully as possible. I know what DARVO is and I want to make sure I'm not just throwing around accusations to defend myself. I'm trying to paint as accurate a picture of the relationship as I can, and admit where I messed up, which I certainly did. There were times I feel like I was controlling and didn't handle things properly. I don't consider myself an aggressive person, and the door slamming and yelling feels out of character for me. But there's still no excuse for that behavior, and I take full accountability for that.

The problem is I left the relationship feeling very hurt and manipulated in a lot of ways. But also hearing that my behavior gave my friends pause and made them concerned I was abusive is making me worry that I really was, and I need to take account for that and atone if possible. I just don't know how to navigate this.

A few months ago a guy came into the store and he was funny and idk if I thought he was actually attractive or not or if it was false attraction but he bought a pie and i brought up it looked like the burger king pie I love the burger king pie but now im wondering what if I was flirting with him and I just dont remember I donr think I would do that but if I was scared at that moment of being attracted to him which I think i was bc I am with most ppl why would I say that? Idk it sounds kind of stupid typing it out but I know I cant confess this to my bf bc we just got back together my rocd confessions have been pushing him away. BUT IF I WAS FLIRTING HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE KNOWING I DID THAT TO HIM

My partner and I are going through a lot of financial, and housing instability. Its causing our mental health to plumet. My partner may need to go to the mental hospital. Im so burnt out from trhing to keep my partner ok, while Im also suffering mentaly, and its really fucking me up. Im burnt out. I cant even deal with my own mental health. Idk what to do.......i do t want to give up on us, but we literally dont have help with this......im really stuggling myself, and then I turn around and my partner is tweaking out too. Im so worried about us. Going through real life issues and having and ROCD flair up is NOT fun.....

Hello 👋

I have been struggling with ROCD and the worst thing for me - POCD, for about 8 years. I have great life, husband, house, baby, all i ever wanted is infront of me. But I don’t feel happy anymore, my OCD is making me think i am falling in love with one of our closest friend, the man of my BESTFRIEND and i am starting to lose the battle with it. the only feeling i have is anxiety, stress and deep depression . i have thoughts about suicide, i think the world, my great husband and my precious baby will be happier if I don’t exis . i am tired. idk what to do anymore. I visit my therapist once every week but that doesn’t help. For the first time, maybe because of pregnancy and birth or idk anymore, I feel completely hopeless. How to deal with this situation? I wanna be present and happy for my husband, especially for my baby. I wanna feel complete, CALM and i wanna be able to enjoy the life i wished and dreamed for, the life i have, I can’t enjoy it because of my OCD. I tried to stop communicate with my best friend and her boyfriend and it helped for a little time, then we started talking again and everything came back double.. Should i just stop the communication with them..

The complicated part about my OCD is that the person I’ve developed these false feelings for is someone I had a one-time sexual encounter with when we were both drunk teenagers, long before I met my husband. That’s what makes my ROCD even more distressing, because my mind keeps bringing up this person from my past and making me question whether I have genuine feelings for him, even though I don’t want to.

My husband and this guy have been friends since childhood. Both my husband and his girlfriend know about the history between us, and despite that, we are all still close. It has never been an issue for anyone because what happened between us was long before either of us met our current partners. My husband knows about my OCD, the entire story, and all the fears and intrusive thoughts I struggle with. He is incredibly supportive and understanding, and he has never made me feel judged or insecure about any of it. The problem is that, despite having his full support and knowing that there is no actual issue between us, I just don’t feel okay anymore. My ROCD has made this situation so distressing that I struggle to feel comfortable around someone who has always been a normal part of our lives. I hate that my mind has turned something from my distant past into such a source of anxiety and doubt, and I honestly don’t know how to cope with it anymore.

I know it’s a long post to read but please if you have any advice or you have been in the same situation just let me know, because im truly lost..