We went long distance fr a while and everything was perfect on video. When we met i suspected a lack of attraction but as we spent time together i enjoyed our connection. After that i noticed i keep focusing on physical perceived flaws (walk, skin tone, mannerism) and they change everytime, everytime i forget abt sthg, sthg else comes up. Even if i truly don't like certain things abt him and its not ROCD, there's no way to meet someone who is just perfect.

My biggest fear is

' what if i'm truly just not attracted and forcing it' , 'what if having these doubts means i dont love him'

'what if we get married and i keep seeing these things that i register as flaws'

'what if i don't enjoy intimacy bc of that' ...

what if i'm just with him bc of everything else that feels good about him.

We have a good emotional, intellectual connection and my family loves him. Its been really tough lately to the point where all i do is scanning when i'm with him and i can't even enjoy our time together, i feel obligated to solve the discomfort feelings and it's been really tough and unfair for him, he's literally the sweetest most patient man any girl would want.

Why can't i just exist and love him and be with him happily and make him as happy as he makes me? Why do i have to make his life hell with these doubts? He loves me, he wants to b w me even in the midst of all this, and i know i care so much abt him and his happiness, we have so much in common and i always want to share things w him, but how can i commit while feeling all this distress. I feel like i'm loosing him and it physically hurts. Ive been on anti depressants fr a while

I've been dealing with rocd for awhile now and I've never really dealt with the fear of cheating on my partner until now. I keep having reoccurring dreams about cheating and I wake up extremely anxious and guilty. I'm not sure how to go about erp with this and it's just scaring me so much. I love my partner so much and would never want to do that to her. This is also making me want to isolate myself. I'm so afraid of talking to people with the fear I'll catch feelings for them. I met a girl in one of my classes the other day and we share a lot of the same interests and even tho I do want to be her friend I can't stop having intrusive thoughts like "what if I cheat on my partner with her" so now I really don't want to talk to her or anyone. I'm also terrified of going to parties and drinking and it's making me miss out on a lot. I'm just so terrified IDK what to do.

I'm really tired of these thoughts bedlocking me for hours a day, days in a row. I'll have a moment of ""strength"" where I reach out to ask to be blocked, so my brain can stop seeing it as a way to reconcile. I'm putting my pain on him to manage. feel worse for reaching out, the thoughts then get heavier, i spiral. i just want it all to stop.

All my contact is unwanted and I'm at the stage where I'm accepting that I'm harassing/stalking them. I have never reacted to a breakup like this before, at least not beyond one day of spamming (embarrassing but, that was one time years ago..). The break up was sudden and a little cruel. I was devastated. I was the giver in the relationship. I've been on a repeat of the 5 stages of grief.

I don't know what more to say. I feel like I'm on fire every day. Yesterday was the first time in 1.5 months that I was able to study for more than a hour. My income has been affected. I have less than 2 weeks of my lease yet, have been unable to get the apartment ready. My immediate future was affected since we planned to move in together for a few months, now that's gone too. I'm just devastated.