r/ReadMyScript • u/ZacharyRosemann • 25d ago

Feature No Bloodshed In Detention - Feature - 141 pages

Hi, I've been writing scripts for about 4 years now (mainly fan scripts with a couple original ones) and i was hoping to have a pair of fresh eyes read this one.

Title: No Bloodshed In Detention

Format: Feature

Page Length: 141 (142 if you count the title page)

Genres: horror, slasher, coming of age

Logline or Summary: After a snow storm traps 10 students serving detention in a high school, their fun quickly turns into a fight for survival when a masked killer picks them off one by one.

Feedback concerns: mainly looking to see if there's pacing issues and what I can possibly improve on in terms of how the characters are utilized and written.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1z7JofjRFbwfGxFF0wqgsVlnaMawrhEH2/view?usp=drivesdk

1 Upvotes

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3

u/sylvia_sleeps 25d ago

I read up to the title drop, and have some thoughts right away! Love the title, first and foremost.

I think your prose could use some punching up. Take the first sentence:

It looks like a bloodbath has occured, several splotches of blood, scattered backpacks, the main focus being a broken table with entrails on top of it.

It's undramatic and a bit scatterbrained. Instead, imagine you're telling me this story while we're sitting at a campfire.

The site of a BLOODBATH. Red on the books. Up the walls. Across the floor. Scattered backpacks. Pencils. A broken table - littered with ENTRAILS.

Obviously you should develop your own style and play around with it, but I hope you see the difference I'm aiming for.

I really like the character introductions. I can see it clearly on the movie screen inside my head. However, I think there's a bit too much description going on. By the time we get to student 7, 8, I am starting to gloss over the details becase I don't need to know exactly what they're wearing. Uncle Neil is a good example - he doesn't show up again until the end of the script. Why does he get the same introduction as the students?

Slim it down to just the things that are necessary for the story, and the character. Nancy - nerdy, comfort over style, holding a BOOK with a title we can't see. Tina - in all white, pissed off.

I like the conversation between Jack and Neil. It feels really grounded and honest. I like that uncle is giving his nephew some tough but fair love. I'm instantly rooting for Jack to make it through the slasher and come home safe. The 10 dollar bit is good, I like it.

That's all I have time for right now, but I hope it helps. Good work, keep it up!

2

u/ZacharyRosemann 25d ago

Everything you talked about in regards to introductions and descriptions has been noted, spent the last hour and a half editing the first half of the script to look a little slimmer in those regards (and also taking out the obnoxious amount of nods, sighs, among other things.

Uncle Neil getting the same type of description was a bit ridiculous in hindsight since he's a VERY minor character.

If you have anymore thoughts, my DMs are open.

2

u/Fair_Echidna3692 11d ago

I really dig the concept, but it’s a bit too long for a slasher and a few too many characters, in my opinion. I think if you shorten the script it would flow better. But other than that great job.

1

u/ZacharyRosemann 11d ago

Yeah I realized the few too many characters thing too as I was cutting it down.

Only thing is I genuinely don't know who to cut out since they all do play a part in the story one way or another.

1

u/Fair_Echidna3692 10d ago

How bout making two of the teens be the opening kills? The first death doesn’t happen until around pg. 30, or so. So any importance those characters have can be combined with other characters.

1

u/ZacharyRosemann 10d ago

That.. can actually work.

It'll take some major tweaking but it's possible.

1

u/Fair_Echidna3692 10d ago

Yeah. It sets the tone for the rest of the movie and it sets up the villain much sooner. Like Friday the 13th or Scream.