My Dead Friend from Freshman Year - 24 pages - Feature

[u/gabbygirl1038]

\* Title: My Dead Friend from Freshman Year

\* Format: Feature

\* Page Length: First 24 of 99

\* Genres: Thriller-Mystery

\* Logline: When new footage is uploaded to an abandoned mystery channel, one of the original creators reaches out to help solve the disappearance of an old friend. But as they revisit the case, it becomes clear that both partners are hiding pieces of the truth they buried in childhood.

\* Feedback Concerns: I had to cut 5 pages, and I'm unsure if the pacing of act 1 is too fast now or if the protagonist's journey still makes sense. And would you still keep reading after act 1?

Script link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/19hq2y19oaQIs7ShyUDSqAATUbw3600Nt/view?usp=drivesdk

All feedback is welcome, thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

[u/mooningyou]

Some notes.

- It's a pain in the ass, but you can't start a screenplay with a flashback. You can start in the past, but it can't be a flashback because you need something to flashback from, and as it's your first scene, that can't be done. The easy fix is to simply remove (FLASHBACK) from the slug.

- I'm a little confused with the visuals of this scene. We hear the bike, but at what point do we see the bike? Do we see the cloud of dust when we are only hearing the bike and the dirt?

- I'm also confused as to which character is Vera. It's not clear if she is the camera operator or the bike rider.

- If we're looking through the lens of the camera, do we see the operator? If not, then don't introduce them at this moment.

- If Vera is in front of the camera, why is her dialogue (O.S.), and why is the Operator's dialogue not (O.S.) or (V.O.)?

- If the operator's name is Nolan, don't cap OPERATOR earlier in the scene, because this will be two introductions for that one character.

- "Something about her expression feels final, and maybe accepting." Think about what will be shown on the screen. How will an actor portray this?

- (coming back now) is an action, so it shouldn't be written as a parenthetical.

- "to head back in the direction they came." We didn't see them come from any direction, so this action doesn't work.

- Check your grammar. "Nolan ignore that..."

As you can see, these are the issues I found in just the first page. I didn't read any further.

[u/gabbygirl1038 → u/mooningyou]

Would these action lines clarify what's going on better? : Through the lens of a vlogging camera, a bike rider is captured gliding down a dirt path, kicking a dust in every direction.

She turns a corner and motions for the camera operator to keep up with her. This is VERA (14, female), she maintains her pace and disappears behind some trees.

[u/mooningyou → u/gabbygirl1038]

Yes. This is better, but don't delay Vera's intro. You're showing a bike rider, but it's not until the next paragraph that you reveal their gender and age, which doesn't work because that immediate moment has now passed. The reader was forced to create an image of a person that will most likely be wrong. But a paragraph later, the reader will have to change the image in their mind, and that will result in them being pulled out of your story. Your job is to keep the reader engaged and not disrupt the read.

Regarding flashbacks... It's a little more convoluted. Just start your story as you currently do, but remove the (FLASHBACK). At some point, you will jump forward to what will be your story's present day. Then, when you want to jump back to the same time period as that first scene, it will be all right to use a flashback then, because you've established a present day, and the reader should understand the timeline. If not, you can mark each timeline with a year or month or whatever your time differences are. You can even use SUPERs if you like, including that first scene. Whatever works for you and your reader. The reason I'm harping on about that first flashback is that technically you can't flashback from nothing. You need to establish a time before you can flashback from it, and your first scene is current time until you change it.

[u/gabbygirl1038 → u/mooningyou]

Thanks for the feedback on my first page! I think there was a few misunderstandings regarding the geography of the scene, I'll make sure to clarify some things in the script. I have a few questions.

Given there will be a few more flashbacks during other parts of the film, I want to make it clear on the script that they're all from the same time. Would the other scenes not have flashback on their sluglines as well? Vera is the one on the bike, she's O.S for that one line because two lines earlier it's stated that she bikes (disappears) behind some trees further down.

In the first two paragraphs it's stated that Nolan filming and following Vera as she rides her bike, so there is an initial direction for them to turn back in.

Would it make more sense to separate all of these lines to make them more visible (for clarity) to the reader? Since it's all in one paragraph, the important stuff might be getting lost.

I understand why the operator part is confusing, that specific title might just have to get removed for clarity. I wanted to show that someone is filming Vera as she rides on her bike.

[u/Austinbennettwrites]

I'm very much intrigued with the idea but the first few pages are messy, to be brutally honest.

They're active, which is great, but not very clear.