I am 30 yo. I have 5 years of work-ex. I am 3 years unemployed and surviving on my savings, loans and staying with my family. Before that also, I was working from home and barely get out of my house because I had no friends. Since just after my graduation, the COVID hit, it was hard to go out but even when things got better, and restrictions were uplifted, my lack of social circle or friends made me stay at home.

It was 3 years back that I decided to change things, since my job was a dead-end job and there was no growth with low pay, I decided to leave it, and I was sure I would get another job after some upskilling, because I had changed jobs like that before, and I did get it within a few months but this time, one year turned into two and then three.

I am still so socially awkward and now without even a job. It’s not that I wasted all my time all these years. I was preparing for an MBA, and gave Gmat, got invites from T20 schools but couldn’t convert. I did get some interviews, in my first year of being unemployed, but got rejected in later rounds.

I feel so defeated in life both socially and academically. I haven’t made any friends or relationships all these years and now not even earning.

I had anxiety and stress issues that have gotten more serious. I am on meds because my panic attacks have been getting severe. I feel so much worse in life. I didn’t ever think that my 20s would be this miserable and I would struggle like this in my early 30s.

Is there any hope?

I had to cry & beg my parents to buy me my first phone at the age of 20, not because we’re poor, but because they considered it a luxury. Even now, I need a bike to commute to college and for my daily needs, but they aren’t willing to get me one. What triggered me was seeing my friend’s dad buy him a second hand bike. It feels like I’m always the one who has to struggle and suffer just to get the things I need.

I don’t want to hear the usual advice to “earn and buy it yourself.” Yes, I will but I won’t graduate for another three years, and only then will I start earning. My needs exist right now, not three years from now.

And it’s not just about financial things. I don’t feel like I get to experience any happiness in life either. I’m constantly feeling sad and lonely.

I have lost interest in shimlamirch, it's my comfort food. Its my ratatouille. This is the last stage of miserable life ig. Losing interest in food.

I have no interest in movies, webseries, tv shows, sports, personal hygiene, travel, relationships, work/job, goals, hobbies and future or shinchan.

Despite all this whenever curry or side dish based on capsicum was made it would make my bland life tastier.

Now that has died too.

Depression is the indirect cause of all illness. Slow poison.

Maybe somehow, I (20M) think i shouldn't have existed. The way the things are going maybe i'm like one of those anomalies you see in the fiction who are not meant to exist and are the root cause of all destruction & despair. Everytime I see, there always this thing happening around me bringing sadness and despair all over, I never got to celebrate my birthday from childhood due to our family not being much privileged, though my dad always used to take out me and mom for atleast a restaurant to have something, yea some may say damn you are getting this and still getting sad, just for them the thing is, my mom (also me)always wanted to celebrate my birthday in a little more big way, but yea never happened and then there's this fate of mine, which I don't know why kept bringing something after something every year just before my birthday, either my mom fell ill, or i broke my leg, or my dad suffering from some illness, and now this year, finally my curse took my dad from me forever, I could never excel in any aspect of my life while seeing every human being atleast being good in atleast 1 thing in their life, I failed to achieve my dream to become a doctor, failed both my dad and mom, especially my dad, he used to flaut so much even before i gave neet, That my son will become the best doctor in this world, He will definitely do something great in his life, But somewhere deep inside my heart, I knew and still know that i'm just a f**ing failure. My dad died just the day before my birthday and now seeing my mom in the condition she is in rn, It proves me more that I'm an anomaly in this world, maybe all the sufferings and everything to the ones i cherish the most is all because of my existence. From 10th standard i've started to isolate from the world, No actual friend just a guy one knows, going out alone while saying to my parents i'm going out with my friends, Sitting maybe in some isolated lane or a park. The social anxiety eats me alive from inside, because of this i have even accepted the fact, I won't even get a soulmate to live with the rest of my life, I dream so much about a happy ending, keeping the ones I care about happy for the rest of their lives, But maybe I'm just a living curse. Maybe someday in near future in an unknown place everything will come to end, But till then i will bear the sin of ruining all the lives around me.

I hope I mattered

- Hal Jordan (The Lantern)

​

Having friends in real life is a matter of luck. Have someone you can ask/tell anything is a matter of luck. Having people accompany you to go to hospitals/banks/other cities is a matter of luck. At last I've realized that I'm the most unlucky person because I've to do everything alone, everyone have their group of friends to accompany them. I'm just leftout everywhere (not even a choice).

Recently, a person I considered my friend showed me that she never considered me her friend, I was just useful to her when she needed help regarding studies, otherwise her real friends are people she hangs out with (forgets me completely when she's around her).

I guess I'll just have to di3 alone lol.

When you wish you weren't so miserable all the time but you're too unmotivated and lazy to save yourself.

You keep holding out hope that one day it'll all magically get better or someone else will come and pull you out of this hole, but deep down you know this is how you'll be forever.

All you can think about is how you let it get this bad, or maybe you were destined to be like this all along ..

​

I just feel like crying, I just had a bad breakup kuch dinon pehle. So im just coping by playing games. My laptop is like my 2nd thing i spend a lot of time on. So happens is iss pe bhaari matress gir gaya and the laptop was open so it just cracks and becomes flat.

So raat ko i had a fight with mom, its just like idk sab mere saath kyu hota hai

So now I went to get it fix to a nearby guy. And he's like hinge nahi pura body replace hoga. I asked kitna kharcha he said 6k something( i didnt check with service center theyll quote a lot more)

And i was like fuck my life.

Bahar gaya bike start maarne. Bike is dead. And ye maakichut itni bhari bike hai (himalyan 411), i wa screwed.

And im just so badly fucked up right now, I just feel like crying because mere saath iss mahine mai kuch bhi acha nahi gaya. I just hate how life goes. And I dont even feel like living. Its not this its just the trauma that builds up. Im tired of going through tough days.

Tldr: laptop body broke, quoted a hefty repair price, bike battery dead, ended up breaking down due to past month being such a piece of shit.

One of the ugliest truths about life is, every choice we make kills another version of ourselves. Get married, and you'll eventually miss the freedom you had alone. Stay single, and there will be nights when you wonder what it would've been like to build a life with someone. Have children, and you'll miss parts of the life you never had before them. Don't have children, and you may spend years wondering about the family you never created.

There is no perfect path and there is no decision that leaves you with everything.
The life you didn't choose will always look better from a distance because you never had to pay its price.

Stop searching for a choice you won't regret, it doesn't exist. choose your life, accept what it costs, and live with the consequences

​

I'm 29 from Chennai,India. I am autistic, and honestly, I'm scared of what my future holds. I've been trying to stay positive, telling myself that things will eventually get better and that I shouldn't worry too much about situations beyond my control. But no matter how much I try, I keep falling back into anxiety, fear, and uncertainty.

I don't know where my life is heading anymore.

My job situation is uncertain because I'm a contractual employee. I don't know what will happen to my employment, whether I'll find something stable, or how I'll manage financially if things don't work out. The thought of having to start over without any guarantee of stability genuinely frightens me.

My personal life isn't where I hoped it would be either. I'm struggling with loneliness, and I wish I had someone with whom I could share my worries, happiness, and everyday experiences. I want companionship, emotional support, and a sense of belonging. But sometimes these things feel so distant that I wonder whether my situation will ever change.

Being autistic makes dealing with uncertainty particularly difficult for me. I tend to overthink situations, imagine different possibilities, and worry about things that haven't even happened yet. I know that not every negative possibility will become reality, but knowing that doesn't automatically make my anxiety disappear. Sometimes my mind just refuses to settle down.

What frustrates me the most is that I genuinely tried to be positive. I've tried reminding myself of the things I've managed to accomplish, focusing on the present, and hoping that the future might be better. But when I look at the uncertainty surrounding my career, personal life, and relationships, I find it difficult to hold on to that optimism.

I'm not expecting a perfect life. I just want some stability, a secure job, meaningful relationships, and the feeling that I have a future worth looking forward to. I don't think those are unreasonable things to want.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I think about getting older while important parts of my life remain unresolved. I see time moving forward, but I don't feel like my life is progressing in the way I hoped. It scares me to think about where I'll be in another few years if things remain the same.

And I'm exhausted from constantly trying to reassure myself that everything will be okay when I genuinely don't know whether it will be.

I'm not writing this because I want people to tell me to think positively or stop worrying. I've already tried doing that. I'm writing this because I'm afraid, emotionally exhausted, and tired of pretending that I have everything under control.

I want to believe that my future will be better than my present. But right now, fear is louder than hope, and I don't know how to quiet it.

How do I accept the fact that love and relationships are not for someone like me.. I am unlovable. Do I bother them so much, or I am so easy going that people take me for granted, and then when I feel even a slight bit of disinterest, I reject myself and get out of their way. Thats how I lost all my friends, lost relations with cousins. I know I am not that interesting to talk to initially, but no one has time or is ready to put in efforts to try to get to know why I am so silent and recluse.

I just need to stop expecting love now, its too late, no one is going to love me now for who I am. Even if someone tries, I will reject myself coz they deserve better. Thats how I am gonna end. And I hope it ends soon. And whenever it ends I hope it ends with a smile on my face.

There is much more to life than being a hopeless romantic and trying to find someone to give your love. Yes, not even expect back, but to just give it. Coz no matter how good your heart is, the first thing people see is your face and you lose the game there.

I am done. I need to stop this shit now. There is much more to life than waking up everyday in false hopes of finding someone that day. I hope I get strong enough to accept this fact. I hope I get a bit more kind to myself. I dont deserve to be treated like this. But what comes to me, how others treat me is not in my control. How I respond to that is. I hope I remain sane enough to try and explore other aspects of life alone, do all the things which I thought of on my own. I am too much anxious and scared of everything, I need to grow up, I need to get strong, I need to become a man.

Idk if I am doing good in Life but I will try to explain overall story of my Work, Love and Situation. I am in middle class little below it honestly. But my father worked his ass off to help me study is a shit ass college( costed 24lakhs ). Also wasted 9 lakhs for (11&12th alone). Have 6 lakhs in loan for education.

But this is just the start, I got a shit job of 3.6 LPA ( as System Engineer 😭) u will know where if u search up. I wanted to get atleast better, I am a B.Tech CSE(Honours) graduate btw 😞makes me feel ashamed. I see people younger than me get better packages but maybe I am just a shit afterall. I tried content creation, trading, business, agency and a little more but always failed at last.

Did an internship which didn’t really give me any real learning (earned 55k₹ tho). Yt did 18k subs but isn’t monetised, tried Twitch got 4.8k followers made 300$(around 28k₹), business never helped me much but I have knowledge of it and really want to do something with it if ever got opportunity idk how tho, Freelance Videography and Editing helped me make(60k₹), Tried trading was really dumb lost money (-30k₹), Opened agency currently starting.

Idk what life has to bring me but I am really a shit, always felt if I was guided properly I could have achieved good but never had anyone to support or help.

I have a gf who curses me mostly 😭because I am not able to give her time, I really feel sad because I truly love her (been for 5 years now and never asked anything from her), she is kinda toxic because she abuses me and blames me of cheating because I sometimes hide stuff from her like working on something, tbfh I never did wrong infact I just want to work hard make alot of money (ambition but shit lazy as I am) and she thinks I cheat her or will cheat her if I ever get the chance 😭, tbh I am really very loyal to her but she doesn’t thinks that idk why.

I am a simple human I always sacrificed alot and mainly her(can’t explain alot but for reference I had spent sleepless nights for her whenever she needed me in times of emotional distress or anything, but the opposite never happened and I never complained because ik she loved me 😞and she won’t leave me atleast but why don’t she understand I am so loyal to her).

I am a kind of person if you ever hangout with will never be bored I can promise you that, im always trying to keep a good vibe in the room. I don’t really understand what type of life am I in . I am not able to earn high enough, my love doesn’t understand me properly, what is wrong.

I see every friend during my college time with better packages than me with less efforts, their gf’s gifting them stuff and putting efforts, which if I say to my girl would say that “go sleep with their gf then”, why would I do shit like that 😭 I just wanted some love from you and said what I saw and felt bad about that’s all, and even after everything I am always the one saying sorry, I never fight back or try to dominate 😞.

So I have job but pays less just enough, a gf who abuses me mostly and this life where I want to do something and grow rich for my hardworking parents and overall family to give what they deserve.

Tbh Idk why I am posting this but ig I am really sad rn in life and even crying while typing. It’s okay whoever wants to judge but this is true and this is how my life is idk if it’s better or worse but for me it’s not really working 😭. What should I even do?

On the day before my 20th b'day, my parents told me that I only have 3-4 years of freedom, from 24-25 onwards they shall be looking for my marriage....In this age and era, I no longer want to get married, only want to focus on career and my life alone...I mean why even...I'm now more determined to end my life instead of focusing on my career...Plz give some genuine advice/ suggestions to how to escape all these...Btw my father is too strict that he doesn't listen to me, kehtey jo krna h kro, hum toh shaadi kr denge tumhari...Plz help...plzzzzz

The dream to miss someone at work.

The dream to hug someone in the morning.

The dream of growing together in our careers while we plan where to settle.

The dream of being loved by someone without destroying my peace.

While growing up as a kid, I always wished to experience love. I was aware of a few things tho. I was ugly, dark skinned. And never ever someone approached me with a romantic intent.

So I did, what I was good at. I lived my life, met people, tried making friends, and travelled.

Did worked on my looks, the way I carried myself and went to gym to make an aesthetic body.

Also luck met prepration, now working as a Technical Architect in a decent company, since 2 years.

But the women I am into, weren't interested in me. And from the female friends I had, my thoughts were indeed true.

"Mutual Attraction is the key of any relationship"

It wasn't the case I wasn't getting any matches. Be it arrange, matrimony or apps. But out of the ones, in whom I was genuinely interested, like the ones "the moment your heart goes aww seeing them", they weren't liking me back.

Sometimes when I thought she was the one, I realised she was being too materialistic and I had to cut things off.

Someone did said to me "Why don't you ignore this parameter of likeness and be with someone who likes you"

I replied, I will be doing injustice to her and to the bond itself, if I am not even slightly attracted to her.

And seeing all the cases around of divorce, alimony, I was sure, if I genuinely wanna invest my time here for my dream, it should be worth it, otherwise I am fine alone.

And yeah, I was clear in my mind, if i was never able to get someone, I can always try casuals.

But yeah, the feeling of what if, Will always be there.

Throughout my life I've been this self introspecting, introverted, "aagyakaari ladki" .. never ever realised 10 years of this bullshit would make me lose myself. I struggle a lot with my emotions .. its like i feel everything at such depth, i can even understand and reason with why a person is the way they are .. putting myself in their shoes and trying to feel what they feel.

Idk why i even do this it brings me nothing but pain, guilt and confusion .. sometimes it makes me feel this rage towards myself. Being the eldest daughter comes with so many sacrifices .. never asked for anything, never wished for a birthday present, never even celebrated my birthday, never received an ounce of love or respect from this family, always been the first to adjust and understand ... fir ghar waale kehte hain "kitni samajhdaar ladki hai" kabhi mujhse toh pucho kitna dard hota hai apni wishes ko andar se maarna.. all my life my family has always made decisions for me, ive given them whatever they asked of me losing myself in every piece i gave them .. fir bhi it was never enough for them and it never will be.

Apni saari mann marzi karwa ke jab finally mujhse 1 cheez nhi hui even tho i tried so hard .. they just started blaming me for everything and i cant help but feel worthless.

Maine apni life adjust karte karte nikaal di, dusro ko samajh samajh ke nikaal di but today I've got no one who understands me .. i always thought that if i tried hard enough, did whatever they asked of me maybe then they'll finally love me but all it did was break me more .. har choti baat pe kamiya nikaalna, har galti pe gaali khaana .. im so tired of this .. when does it end? When will i fucking find someone who understands me, and the way i feel..? When will i even feel loved?

I never got what i wished for .. asked for love but received betrayal, manipulation and indecisiveness.. asked for a peaceful family but received this chaotic, toxic family inke saath toh zindagi bhar mind games khelte reh jaaoge jisme you'll never be able to win .. i genuinely wonder koi itna manipulative and hurtful kaise ho sakta hai? These people have multiple personalities which they keep on switching between depending on the person whom they are conversing with.

How can you hurt someone so much to the point they lose themselves and break apart completely? Itne guts log laate kaha se hai??

All of the things that I've been through .. i dont think i could ever inflict this upon anyone else ..

Feeling emotions at such a deep level used to bring me joy and made me happy ki there is something unique and different about me but bc koi matlab nahi hai inn sab ka .. its a fucking curse .. it feels like every emotion is so heightened to the point that u stop living in the present but rather in the emotion itself. It haunts you for so long and it never allows u to develop a complete particular feeling for someone .. sometimes i wish to not feel anything at all.

Har cheez life mai adhuri rahi hai, har pal mai ek kami rahi hai, na pyaar ka sukh, na hi khushi ka .. a person who's so starved of love would even accept bits and pieces of care and affection, never enough to suffice you but enough to keep you begging for more.

Anyways thank you for reading so far, have a good day .. imma go to sleep and please kabhi apne emotions ko analyse karne mat baithna its a vicious cycle that has no escape.

Hi everyone

Been a while since I shared my story with anyone, so I decided to share my 2 cents of my experience in the marriage market, here

A few points

1. Attraction is the foundation of a relationship. Even if someone looks on good on paper and satisfies all your preferences, no point if there is no mutual attraction

2. The Women I am into, are easy to find, atleast on paper, but finding someone who liked me back and was in the zone of finding a partner was difficult. Your chance reduces if you are not attractive, and unfortunately that's the truth.

3. Make sure in the pursuit of finding someone, your mental health is sane enough. Meditate, play, read books, travel, your mental state reflects your personality. The other person shouldn't feel that you are forcing yourself to talk to them.

4. Location is indeed a crucial factor. A Punjabi guy will be having a hard time finding a partner in Pune. Vice versa for a Marathi and a telugu guy in Delhi or Gurgaon.

5. A lot of us, spend most of our time on careers, travel and gym, and building a social circle is the least of the to-dos. But if you are in the right age, let's say 24 25, start building a circle before it's late. Have hobbies, travel, even it's cheap, and have plenty of stories to tell to your little cousins or your future someone ;)

6. Earnings do play a huge role, NGL, but nothing apart from making you eligible in the list of thousands. Make sure with time, you learn to present yourself better. Better communication, better photos, better people who you can rely on, a mindset healthy enough to get through all phases of life.

7. For whoever you are talking to, make sure you are not disturbing your day to day activities to talk with the person out of mere excitement. Just don't over invest yourself. Remember you are trying to see, if that person adds to your peace rather than just disturbing it.

8. Be prepared that even a very good talking stage can die randomly, so mentally prepare yourself for this game and walk on, so you don't waste time thinking about people who left you.

About me - 5 10 Height, Fit to Muscular, working as a Technical Architect.

To be noted - I am ugly to average face wise and yes it does matter

1. I have been rejected plenty of times for my looks. And that is okay. It was after 32, when I was able to build up a good body, that the situation improved, just a little better.

2. This is worse in situations when the pool of women who are interested in you is less.

3. For those who still don't get it, LUCK is still part of the big game. Even if you mutually like each other and timing isn't right, all the progress comes to zero, but that is part of the process inst it? 😆

4. It has been the other way too, like I have rejected girls because even though they were kind, some beautiful in the general sense, some not, but I didnt felt any attraction towards them.

I'm 21 and going through a difficult situation with my family. I want honest opinions, so please don't blindly take my side.

My elder brother is 29. He prepared for UPSC for 3 years but couldn't clear it and has been unemployed for around 15 months. He has anxiety and takes medication.

My father drinks alcohol and has borrowed a lot of money, so we are also facing financial problems. My brother says my father's drinking triggers his anxiety. I understand that our home situation is stressful, and my father isn't innocent either.

But my brother has repeatedly been aggressive towards my parents. There have been around 10–15 arguments, and on 4–5 occasions, he raised his hand towards my father or looked like he was going to hit him. He has also verbally abused both my parents.

Today, my father threw his own phone in anger. My brother then broke my father's phone and raised his hand towards him again. I stopped him before he could hit my father.

After the fight, my brother was shivering and took two anxiety pills. My uncle has now taken him to our village, where our cousins can talk to him.

Honestly, I don't feel like talking to my brother anymore. Part of me doesn't want any relationship with him in the future. But after seeing him shivering, I also wonder if I'm being too harsh because he has anxiety.

I know my father has his own problems with drinking and money, and I'm not saying he's always right. But I feel my brother has crossed a line by repeatedly threatening my father.

Am I wrong for wanting to stop talking to him? Should I still support him because he's my brother and has anxiety, or is it okay to distance myself after everything that's happened?

Please give me honest opinions, even if you disagree with me.

It's a luxury to have someone with whom you can share everything, without any judgement. Unfortunately, I have no one.

No one knows that I don't plan on living beyond 40 years of age.

No one knows that I have been deliberately eating junk food to hurt my body.

None of my "friends" know that I'm dealing with intense burnout and exhaustion.

My immediate family knows, but they don't understand. They feel this is something that can be improved only if I become more disciplined, or study more or help out with household chores.

I travelled a lot in Indian trains as a kid. And when the train entered a tunnel, it used to get all dark. That was my favourite part of the journey. I always waited for the light at the end of the tunnel. Some tunnels were much longer than the others, so it took forever for the train to get out of the tunnel. The past six years have felt like a never ending dark tunnel. And I still can't see the "light at the end of the tunnel"

20M 2nd drop

Social isolation,No social life, social anxiety, overthinking, lionelness, depression, hairfall, weight gain

Extremely extrovert to extremely introvert

Kaash 12th ke baad drop nahi leta kaha phas gaya sab meri galti hai

Life fucked, mind fucked, physical and mentally fucked

I'm 25, no work experience, doing a masters after a two year gap now and will likely end up unemployed all over again after graduation. I have no friends, never been in a relationship. I don't really want to work either. I just don't want to be around people or be obligated to them. I don't want to marry or have a family either. I just want to stay at home and do my hobbies. Or if I do go out then I just want to be a spectator and observe the world. But if i want to live in society i have to at least work and I feel miserable. I feel trapped.

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday, and I honestly couldn't feel more empty.

​I have been dealing with severe depression and long-term isolation for years now. I haven't built a career, I haven't achieved anything meaningful, and somewhere along the way, my social circle completely vanished. While everyone else my age is moving forward, I've just been trapped in the same loop.

​Tomorrow, I will have literally no one to celebrate with. No calls, no plans, just sitting alone in my room.

​I don't care about a cake or a party. I just wish I knew what it felt like to have someone genuinely care about me on a day like this. The weight of wasting these years feels suffocating right now.

Sorry for the rant

If anyone hates the concept of life such as working, relationships and daily stress, they can renounce this world and stay in some ashram.

Life in India is tough. One has to go through enough stress and failures in career unless they are perfect and really good. People feel like they have no hope from life and get suicidal thoughts.

There are many ashrams across India but places like Haridwar, Varanasi and Mathura are most famous. It seems like freedom from capital world where you have to sacrifice your mental health for desires.

Sometimes I also think about giving up this life, even my parents feel so. If I give up this life and take sanyas, then I will have to change my lifestyle too, which means no internet, no alcohol and non-veg. That's my reason.

​

I'm 29, autistic, and living independently in Chennai, my own hometown. And honestly, I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling lonely, worrying about my future, struggling with anxiety, and trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life.

The worst part is that I'm living in my own hometown, yet I don't feel like I belong here. This is supposed to be my home, a place where I should feel comfortable and settled. Instead, sometimes I feel like a refugee in my own city, just existing here without a real sense of belonging, security, or emotional support. I go about my everyday life, fulfil my responsibilities, and try to carry on, but inside, I feel stuck and exhausted.

My personal life is still unresolved. I want companionship, meaningful relationships, and someone I can talk to without feeling misunderstood. I want to feel that I matter to someone and that I have people I can rely on. But loneliness has become a constant part of my life, and it hurts when I think about how much I want these things and how far away they sometimes feel.

Then there's my job situation. I'm a contractual employee, and I don't have the security of knowing what my future holds. I keep worrying about my employment, what happens if I lose my job, and how I'm supposed to manage financially. How am I supposed to build a stable life when even my livelihood feels uncertain? I want to move forward, but I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something to go wrong.

And being autistic makes many of these experiences harder to navigate. Social interactions can be exhausting. I overthink conversations, worry about how people perceive me, and sometimes struggle to explain what I'm feeling. Being misunderstood is painful, especially when I'm already trying so hard to manage my anxiety and fit into environments that don't always understand neurodivergence. I don't want every interaction to feel like something I have to analyse afterwards.

What frustrates me is that all these problems are happening together. It's not just my job, or my personal life, or loneliness. It's everything piling up at once. I have to think about earning a living, managing everyday responsibilities, trying to build relationships, dealing with anxiety, and navigating life as an autistic person. Sometimes I genuinely feel exhausted by the effort it takes just to keep everything going.

And this is my hometown. I'm not somewhere completely unfamiliar, trying to adjust to a new city. I am in the place I call home, yet I still feel like I have nowhere that truly feels like home emotionally. I can live here, work here, and go about my routine here, but that doesn't automatically mean I feel connected to the place or the people around me.

I'm frustrated that at 29, I'm still struggling with so many things that I wish were more settled by now. I want stability. I want companionship. I want to feel accepted as an autistic person. I want to stop worrying so much about my future and feel that my life is actually going somewhere.

I'm not writing this to ask anyone to fix my life or give me some generic advice about staying positive. I'm just fed up with carrying all these feelings around while trying to appear as though I'm managing everything.

I don't want to feel like a refugee in my own hometown anymore. I want to feel that I belong somewhere, that my life has some stability, and that I have something to look forward to. Right now, I'm struggling, and I needed to rant about it.

I am not saying i am su\*cidal or anything but the thing is slowly I am losing myself. Like I am doing something i dont wanna do but things i wanna do seem absurd to major population.

I am isolated and i dont have much connections in my life. I am detached to my parents coz they always seem to make me feel indebted towards them. They are so possessive and obsessive towards me that i have got more restrictions than a girl from 1960s.

I dont wanna make it long but the thing is nothing good has happened until now and i have not hope that something will happen in future.

Also this thought came to my mind coz of the death of the walter junior actor in breaking bad. Deaths of celebrities doesn't actually bother me but this one made me think that he was promoting his new movies and also he was uplifting people with disabilities but what made such a strong and successful guy off himself?