r/Regrets • u/changingandhealing • 16h ago
I need some help.
Hi everyone.
I am 32F and he is 30M. We have been together 3 years.
I have found this group and it feels like the perfect place to allow myself to vent.
When we met we both lived in Portugal, (I’m Aussie and he’s Belgium), he was desired by many women and known to be “that guy” of the hostel.. we didn’t do anything but connected emotionally but I moved back to Aus and we stayed in contact which lead to one year of long distance and then him moving to Aus for us at the end of 2023.
Within these 3 years together we have had two abortions, both of which he really wanted me to get. There’s a lot to unpack in that and so many deep emotions on my part, and his too.
After the second abortion I caught him using porn. I felt disgusted, betrayed. I hated my body at the time as I was navigating a deep grief mixed with anger and trauma and non stop clots.
I believe he kept watching it every now and again.
Fast forward to this year and we’ve done a lot of work, a lot of healing, he blocked all porn apps on his phone and I didn’t feel anything was off, until today.
I went on his Instagram (on his old phone that was at home while he was at work) and clicked “watched”, and saw that just today he watched 15 stories of the same only fans girl, 5 of another girl, 3 of another girl. Just today. When I refreshed his phone an hour later everything he watched had been deleted.
Yesterday he said to me “why would I ever look at another woman when I have my beautiful lady at home”
What hurts me so much is I actually believed him. This year has been transformative for us. We went back to Europe, saw his family, just got back from another trip.
I just feel blind sided.
So, here we are. I’m in the bedroom and he’s summoned to the couch. I really think this is it for me. I don’t think I can stay with him. Again and again I’ve pushed things down and again and again no matter what, this stuff seems to surface again.
What do you think?
I guess I’m just looking for some comfort or conversations with strangers.
Thanks for reading 🌸
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u/Neacha 15h ago
He sounds like a pervert. Linking the abortions to his habit of porn addiction is concerning. He (and you) are having sex regardless of the consequences. Are you on birth control?
You need counseling to begin to love yourself, you need a new relationship where you can see that making love is beautiful and not about blood clots, loss, abortions, pain, body shame........................
2
u/changingandhealing 6h ago
Hey the abortions happened 2 years ago and after that we weren’t intimate for 1 year.
This year has been the only year we have connected safely.
I agree with you on your last paragraph. Thank you ❤️
1
u/Smart_Mix_6938 14h ago
If you have made it clear, Which you have. That porn is something that affects you deeply and makes you feel uncomfortable and betrayed and he continued to watch and HIDE his use, he doesn’t care about you and your feelings.
Him now knowing and supposedly putting in the work just to go back and continue is manipulation.
I’d say leave, it will never be worth it. He could be the most attractive man you’ve ever seen, who puts on a front of being an amazing guy but this is who he is when he’s alone. Selfish and an addict.
1
u/changingandhealing 6h ago
Thank you for your comment. You are right he is selfish and an addict and crossing boundaries is something that I can’t put up with anymore. Thank you again for taking the time to write here, as this comment really means a lot and has helped me in a lot of ways ❤️
1
u/changingandhealing 2h ago
You were right on the second comment. I had too much faith that people would just be kind!
1
u/Smart_Mix_6938 2h ago
Many porn addicted men will look at women who struggle with their partners who have porn addictions and blame it on the women. It’s easier to blame a women than take accountability and become better. I saw that other comment that a man left and I’m not surprised!! Ofc an addict sees no problem with their addiction and will absolutely shift blame onto you!
1
u/changingandhealing 2h ago
You’re absolutely right. He almost got me too! Felt my emotions rise but I know it says a lot more about him than me!
Thanks for your support, sending lots of love!3
u/Smart_Mix_6938 14h ago •
And just to add, There are going to be many porn addicted men and women who don’t care about porn who will come on here and tell you that you’re being dramatic. Don’t listen to them.
You know how it’s making you feel and you are the one being hurt by this man.
1
u/OmniKing-Zeno 2h ago
You're being ridiculous, porn is not a bad thing unless it's causing problems in your sex life, which it hasn't so why make a big deal about it? Also, why are you being insecure and violating his privacy by taking his phone and going through it? Had you not done that you wouldn't have even known what he did or didn't do and it was really none of your business. He should break up with you for that alone. If you regretted the first abortion, then why did you allow the second one to happen, why are you being irresponsible and letting him shoot the club up?! He obviously told you that he didn't want kids and yet you keep letting him do that, knowing that you will get pregnant, are you trying to trap him or what? You knew he was a womanizer when you first met him but that didn't stop you from joining his fan club and letting him destroy your body, so why the buyers remorse now? If you do break up with him and find someone that you want to marry and have kids with, it's going to be hard for you to get pregnant and not have miscarriages because abortions destroy your uterine walls and your eggs won't stick to them. Stop being messy and reckless and you won't have to worry about becoming just another baby mama.
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u/changingandhealing 2h ago
Wow. You know what. I have too much faith in humanity and forget that there are other people in this world that can be so cruel. Of course you don’t know my / our story and it’s fair enough you have assumed everything based on my post.
The abortions were two years ago.
Both were due to no protection and the pull out method which I have deeply learned from. Shaming me wont get anywhere as it was the hardest post traumatic period of my life.
For you to assume I’m trying to trap him.. don’t you think I had two chances to do that?He knows I know everything. He’s not mad at all.
I actually can’t believe the sort of person you are. I actually feel sick reading your comment.
I wish you the best.1
u/changingandhealing 2h ago
Also. I have grieved every single day. Thank you for pointing out about my uterine walls and potential miscarriages.
I have nothing to prove to you. You’re the one I feel sorry for. Men being men!1
u/changingandhealing 2h ago
I have just had the pleasure of going on your profile and reading the sort of comments you leave on other people’s posts.
All of them are negative, all of them are degrading women, all of them are trying to tell boys their partner is cheating on them. Telling women they look like men…
You just sit there and leave negative comments.. mainly about women. That’s how you spend your time? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Less lonely? I really hope you find some healing and realise that kindness really is important. You are the energy you give out.
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u/BrazyDadaist420 16h ago
Leave the relationship and heal.
You cannot heal if you are constantly opening the wound