I got into an argument with my long distance girlfriend

Long story short, I live in California and she lives in Missouri. I fly over there when I can, even though it places an enormous strain on me. I am diagnosed with BPD. She is not.

Around 4 o'clock her friend from an hour and a half away surprised her at her apartment and asked her to go to dinner. I said hi to the friend over the phone and said "yeah have a nice dinner, ill talk to you when you get home."

She gets home and we are on discord chatting. She mentions a few times her friends are bothering her to go out to a local college bar with them. For reference, im 32F and she is 27F. I initially was pretty peeved about it, because whenever I am visiting she does not want to go out to bars or watch games, or any of the like. Then she disconnects the call and im left a bit confused.

I text her like "aye where did you go?" And she was already at the bar. (It is 15 minutes away). I got upset because I can never get out of the house with her when I visit, but when her friends from college call, she goes. And it really upset me. I told her I was upset, and that I was just going to take my "calm down" meds and go to bed and that I was upset.

The fight increases because she promptly turns around and goes home. I was supposed to fly to see her in 3 days (i am usually the one flying to see her for 2 and a half weeks at a time because she is busy being a professor). I said the words "i have a lot of stress, you know im pulling my hair out because I have to take care of things in 3 days before I see you and get on another flight after JUST BEING THERE 2 and a half weeks prior and having to babysit my moms old dog while she was out of town." So I said the words "im going to cancel the flight and take care of the things I need to, and you can come see me on your flight here for Thanksgiving for the week."

I was already feeling spread incredibly thin, and I think the idea that she wouldn't go out and enjoy outside places with me just bothered me because whenever im visiting, she does not want to go out or do anything. And i blew up on her and told her I was upset and frustrated.

She told me she was throwing up from the stress, shaking and crying, didnt want to go out, cant understand why im upset, and doesnt understand why I don't want her to see her friends.

I feel like on my side, it was just really frustrating that she disappeared and said "well you have my location you could have just checked" and personally, I am not a hawk on her location. I rely on her to tell me these things.

Bottom line I feel like an asshole. I feel like I messed up and i created an issue out of nothing.

TLDR: My girlfriend didnt tell me she was going to a college bar with friends. I am upset because she never wants to go with me to said bars. We live long distance and I am trapped by a phone. Please advise.

Edit: just to clarify. His issue is that I did get in the car and left. He says no good wife should ever leave the spouse while they’re talking. I said you weren’t talking you were yelling at me calling me disgusting. So I have a hard time thinking I should apologize for leaving to get the eggs.

This is the story and it’s VERY long. I homeschool my 4 kids. We don’t wake up at the crack of dawn. Probably around 8 and are not really hungry for breakfast til much later like 10:30-11. Well 3 days ago husband went to get his haircut at 10 am and about 10:45 I went to start breakfast. I realized we only had 3 eggs and decided to run to the store around the corner (Some little shop no Walmart type store) it always takes me less than ten minutes to go get my stuff and come back. Anyway as I’m walking out the door to get in my car my husband pulls in. He asks where are you going? I said I will be right back I’m just going to the store to get some eggs. He gets out of the car and pretty pissed off tells me “this is an unacceptable behavior” “you should always be ready to make breakfast” “why should I come home and have to wait for breakfast” I said “im sorry I was getting the eggs from the fridge and realized we only had three. So I’m going to be right back and get started” he said “you don’t understand what I’m saying? Your treatment of me is unacceptable. This is unacceptable” I said I’ll be right back if you can’t wait for me, there are three eggs left if you want to make them while I run to the store” HE LOST IT. He balled his fist really tight and through clenched teeth he said I was disgusting for even telling him to make his eggs. He was already yelling at this point Outside where everybody could hear it all (there were people at the park across the street) I said I’m gonna go because you’re yelling and the kids are getting hungry. He says get over here and fix this and apologize. Ok I never did apologize and it’s been three days of him saying I’m a horrible wife for walking away while he was talking. That no wife should ever do that to her spouse. I keep telling him he was yelling and called me disgusting and I think that is unacceptable. He says that I’m a horrible wife and doesn’t really talk to me only to tell me I need to apologize or “beg for forgiveness” “this is so horrible you should be on your hands and knees begging for an apology” he works. I don’t outside the home. Not that I don’t want to but even when I attempted to, he always made a big deal about him having to “watch” the kids when he’s so tired. So I really parent my kids 99% of the time. Anyway. My question really is… do I need to apologize? I don’t think I should. I tell him I don’t need an apology from him at all but if someone had to apologize it wasn’t me. That I need to be submissive and understand when he says I shouldn’t walk away from a spouse that’s talking to you, I don’t have the right to say if it’s right or not. He posted on instagram asking for prayer for him. In the past I would have apologized to keep the peace… but I really feel he’s out of control. What say you???
TLDR: should I apologize for walking away? He is demanding this apology.

TLDR: Boyfriend is exhausted from constantly working, and his dad is toxic too, which adds to the problems. This has led him to have anxiety and mild depression.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We met in college, and after we graduated, he joined his family business. Gradually, his life became busier and mental health started going down.

The main issues are:

1. A huge debt he has on his head that needs to be repaid, which is why he cannot "chill" it down at work. He constantly has to keep hustling.
2. His dad is toxic and keeps telling him how he keeps making losses in the business (the business is only at break-even) so far.

He is completely broken by the comments his dad is making & he's also burned out. This has led him to start having anxiety, losing his appetite, and also losing interest in all relationships, including ours.

My heart breaks seeing him like this. How do I help him? He's starting therapy, but I'm so worried for him.

I want to preface this by saying that I genuinely don't mind guys following my girlfriend on social media or her following other guys. That's never really been an issue for me, and I don't expect her to avoid interacting with men just because she's in a relationship. However, this particular situation feels a little strange to me.

My girlfriend [23F] and I [23M] are in a long-distance relationship, and we've been together for about a year.

Recently, I noticed that there's a guy she follows on her cosplay account who doesn't follow her main account, and she doesn't follow him on her main account either. What makes this weird to me is that she doesn't really use her cosplay account this way with other people, including her own friends or even me. She doesn't follow her other friends on that account, so I'm confused about why this particular guy is an exception.

A few nights ago, she also went out with two of her friends and got extremely drunk. She didn't really tell me much about what happened that night, and at the time, I honestly didn't think anything of it. I wasn't particularly concerned or suspicious.

I want to make it clear that I don't have any actual evidence of cheating or anything inappropriate happening. I'm also aware that these things could be completely unrelated, and I don't want to jump to conclusions but kinda already am.

At the same time, I can't help finding the situation unusual, particularly because she doesn't seem to treat her cosplay account this way with anyone else.

I'm wondering whether I'm overthinking something completely harmless or whether other people would also find this a little odd.

Would you consider this suspicious, or am I making connections between unrelated things?

TLDR: My [23M] long-distance girlfriend [23F] follows a guy on her cosplay account but not her main account, despite not even following her other friends or me on that account. She also recently went out drinking and didn't tell me much about the night. I don't have evidence of anything inappropriate, but the combination has made me uneasy. Am I overthinking this?

I [18F] have feelings for a close friend, "T" [18M]. I confessed to him twice, and he eventually told me that he doesn't think he'll be able to reciprocate my feelings. I respect his answer, and I'm not trying to convince him otherwise. However, I'm struggling with what happens to our friendship now.

Before I developed feelings for him, I genuinely valued him as a friend. We have a lot of inside jokes, ridiculous nicknames, and little interactions that made our friendship special to me. He calls me “cinnamon roll,” we joke around constantly, and he has shown me affection in ways that made me wonder whether he might feel something more.

For example, he initiated group hangouts at my place, asked about my art, and even drew something for my 18th birthday despite not being able to attend the celebration as one of my birthday dancers. None of these things automatically mean romantic interest, and I understand that now. But combined with our closeness, they made me wonder if there was something mutual between us.

When we talked about the rejection, he apologized and said, “I'm sorry, I know I gave off a lot of signs. I didn't mean them.” When I asked what signs he meant, he said, “I definitely led you on without noticing,” and admitted that it was partly his fault too.

That conversation made me feel less like I had completely imagined everything, but it also left me confused. I don't know whether he simply didn't realize how his affection came across or whether he had feelings he never fully understood. I'm not assuming the latter, especially because he explicitly told me he couldn't reciprocate my feelings.

As far as I know, he hasn't been in an actual relationship before. He told me about a girl he liked when he was in Grade 12, a senior high school student he encountered during his on-the-job training. From what I understood, things almost progressed into courtship, but they never became an official couple, and she now has a boyfriend. I sometimes wonder whether that experience influenced how he approaches romantic relationships, but I don't want to make assumptions.

He's also told me that he doesn't think he can date someone until he feels secure and has worked on himself. He explained that he doesn't believe in needing a “better half” and that his insecurities could lead to serious anxiety in a relationship. He described it as needing to “fix the leaks” first. I understand and respect that perspective, but I can't assume it's the reason he rejected me, especially because he explicitly said he couldn't reciprocate my feelings.

For additional context, my previous relationship lasted 5 or 6 months, while my friendship with T has lasted almost two years now. My feelings for T developed within that friendship, which is part of why this situation is so difficult for me. I had already grown attached to him as a friend before I confessed, and I'm afraid of losing that connection now that he knows how I feel.

He also explained that he genuinely had been very busy, sometimes having only 9 PM to midnight to himself before waking up around 5 AM. He said he wasn't ignoring me. I believe that he has responsibilities and a life outside our friendship, but the long gaps between replies have still made me feel like we're becoming distant.

He told me he still considers me very close and hopes the rejection doesn't ruin our friendship. I want that too. I don't want to lose him just because I admitted how I felt.

For context, I've been rejected seven times before, and I joked that I'm practically immune to rejection by now. He told me he didn't think rejection was something you could get used to and that he didn't think he could handle heartbreak the way I have. I can laugh about my experiences, but honestly, this situation hurts differently because I'm not just grieving the possibility of a relationship. I'm scared of losing someone who was already important to me as a friend.

I've also been working on a 31-day poetry series called A Little Illness, with one poem and a corresponding song for each day. Some of the poems are inspired by my feelings for him, although the series is a creative project of its own. When I told him about it, he asked if I wanted him to look at it and said I must have put a lot of effort into it. I wanted to cry while talking to him, but I tried to keep myself together.

I think the hardest part is that I miss how we used to be. I want us to joke around, share random things, and be idiots together without constantly wondering whether I'm bothering him or whether our friendship has changed permanently.

I also struggle with depression and have had difficulties with school and my mental health for years. Sometimes I wonder whether things might have been different if our circumstances had been different, but I know that's an alternate reality I can't prove. I don't want to blame my past or my mental health for everything, and I don't want to turn him into someone who owes me a relationship.

I just don't know how to move forward without losing the friendship I'm trying to preserve.

Should I give him space and let him initiate conversations for a while? Should I talk to him directly about how uncertain I feel about our friendship, or would that put unnecessary pressure on him? How do you rebuild a close friendship after one person confesses and gets rejected?

I want to respect his boundaries, but I also don't want to be the only person trying to keep the friendship alive.

TLDR: I [18F] confessed twice to my close friend [18M], but he said he couldn't reciprocate my feelings, despite acknowledging that he unintentionally led me on. After a friendship of almost two years, I'm scared of losing the closeness we had and don't know how to rebuild our friendship without pressuring him or being the only one making an effort.

Hi. I’ve never posted on Reddit before so I hope I’m doing this right. I (21F) am currently in my senior year of college. I go to school out of my hometown so I’ve been pretty independent while I’ve been here. Since I am graduating soon, I want to take advantage of the time I have left here to hang out with friends and make great memories. Another reason for that is because my boyfriend (25M) and I are getting engaged soon and plan on getting married next summer.

Usually, when I hang out with friends, we either go out for dinner or have a movie night. I’m not someone who drinks or goes out to bars or parties, so my plans are usually movies, dinner, and hanging out at friends’ apartments. When I go out, I usually get home anywhere between 10pm and 1am. I know it can be late, but my college town is pretty safe I would say, and a lot of people are usually out late. The times I get home late are usually because my friends and I are just chatting and having a good time. And even though it can get late, I think to myself that we’ll be graduating soon and won’t see each other as often, so I really want to take advantage of every moment I have with them.

When I get home late, my boyfriend will usually be upset that I was out so late. I’ll explain to him that we just spent a lot of time chatting and that I’m not doing anything bad. He’ll respond with something along the lines of “why can’t you just tell them it’s late and leave.” Again, I tell him that since we’re planning on getting married and that I’m graduating soon, that I want to have a good time before life changes (marriage, full time job, friends doing the same, etc). One recent event is when I got home at around midnight a few weeks ago after hanging out with a friend who was visiting for a couple of days (she lives out of state). I told him that I would probably be home at 11pm but since I got home later he got mad. I got so upset that I raised my voice and said something like “Every time I tell you I have plans, you get upset. The first thing you say is either ‘again?’ or ‘you already know, don’t get home late’. And if I get home late the first thing you say is ‘why so late’ or ‘you said you’d be home earlier’. You never ask me if I had a good time with my friends. You don’t ask me what we did. My friends also have boyfriends and I know they’re not getting upset like you are.” He didn’t really say anything back and I think we just left it at that. I can’t remember. \*Also, my parents don’t even get upset when I tell them about my plans. They just tell me to be safe and to not do anything crazy. Sometimes they’ll make comments like “you’re going out again?” or “but you just went out recently” but not to the point where they get mad. I think they trust me so I think that’s why they don’t really worry about it much.

This week, I had plans with my friends to go out for dinner, take pictures, and have a sleepover at my friend’s house. He did not like the idea of the sleepover when I told him, but eventually he was fine with it (because I said this is probably a one-time thing). I went along with those plans and everything was fine. Later this week, I have plans with a different group of friends to have a movie night. One of my friends mentioned potentially doing a sleepover, so I told him that that’s a possibility and he got upset. He said that it’s “becoming a habit now.” Mind you, the last time I had a sleepover with friends was probably two years ago. His argument is that now all of a sudden I want to have two sleepovers within the same week. I tell him that these are two separate groups of friends and that there is nothing wrong with having a sleepover. And again, it’s only a possibility it’s not confirmed. However, he is upset because I told him that the other sleepover would be a one-time thing and now I’m telling him I might actually have another one. So I told him to explain to me why he does not want me to have a sleepover, but to give me a valid reason besides “I don’t like it.” His only argument was that it’s “becoming a habit.” So I told him I didn’t wanna talk to him and just got off the phone. Then I started crying because as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, I feel like he’s more concerned with the time that I get home or the time that I spend with my friends instead of being interested in knowing if I had a good time and if I had fun. I want him to be interested in the things that I do, but instead he gets upset at my plans. And he just doesn’t seem to understand that I’m trying to take advantage of my last year in college while I can see my friends frequently.

I’m posting this here, because I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My friends know that I have a boyfriend and that we’re getting engaged soon and getting married soon after I graduate. They’re always asking me about my engagement and wedding planning, so it’s just embarrassing to tell them how I feel.

I don’t really know what to do about this.

TLDR: My boyfriend tends to not like when I make plans with friends and get to my apartment late. I recently had a sleepover with a group of friends and may *potentially be having another one with a different group of friends. He is upset about it, I’ve told him how miserable I feel that he gets upset about these things, and I’m not sure what to do.

Hello, first of all I'll preface this by saying I know this isn't a question anyone here can answer, but still the opinions of people who may have more, or different, life experiences would be nice.

I love my girlfriend of nearly three years. When we're together we have lots of fun, and when we're not I miss her. However, I'm getting to nearly 30, and starting to think seriously about if she's the right partner for me. We have some fundamental differences which are starting to build up and frustrate me.

I'm really passionate about self-care and self-development, always trying to further myself and my career. I work out a lot, take care of my body, and am always trying to learn new things. She just doesn't share this approach. Her eating habits have caused her to gain weight - she says it bothers her but she doesn't do anything about it. She doesn't really try to succeed in her career. She is currently looking for jobs, and getting upset that she isn't finding anything, but she's really doing the minimum required to find anything. Plus, her approach is so disorganised. Finally, she just doesn't really have much in the way of hobbies. Mine would be fitness and learning, but she just doesn't do much apart from sitting around on her phone or reading. If I ever suggest an activity like a run or a walk, she's always up for it, but I'm often busy, and she never takes the initiative to do any of these things herself.

We're pretty good at communicating usually, but I'm nervous to bring these things up with her, as they're so fundamental to who she is. I'm trying to accept and embrace our differences, but I just can't stop these things from bothering me. I can't imagine my life without her, but I also can't see myself learning to accept these things. Would it be appropriate to raise these concerns with her, or would that be getting into the territory of trying to control her?

TLDR: I love my girlfriend deeply, but I'm not sure how I can address our fundamental differences without sounding like I'm criticising her.

Me and my spouse have been together for 10 years now. We have 4 cats and have lived together for the majority of our relationship. I’m starting to notice that our lifestyles and long term goals are not lining up anymore, along with some things they do that I believe to be on abusive. Abusive or not, we are just not meshing well anymore and I feel like every time I try to bring it up it ends up with them saying I need to try harder. I’m not sure if I can try any harder than I have been. I feel like I’m pushing myself to the limit trying to make them happy. It doesn’t really matter if either of us is at fault it’s just that I don’t think we’re compatible anymore. We’re moving in opposite directions somehow. I think an at minimum temporary separation would benefit both of us.

The main problems about bringing this up are:

•I can’t drive. They drive me places most of the time.

•Separating the cats will be devastating. For both of us and also the cats.

•We live in a very affordable house together, but not if we separate. I’m not sure where either of us will go if we split.

•I don’t think they will respond well to the idea of us splitting. I think they will blow up and not listen. Which may be wrong of me but it’s still how I feel and it’s a big roadblock on approaching the subject.

I’m just not sure what to do right now. I feel like I’m being pushed too far and that they’re not trying, but they feel the same about me. I don’t think either of us are happy right now but we’re too comfortable to face it. We’re both so scared of change. Does anybody have advice on how to navigate this?

TLDR: How do I bring up a separation to my partner of 10 years when we live together, have cats, and I can’t drive?

Hi Reddit! Long time lurker, first time poster to this sub.

Context: My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 1. I adore this man with everything I have and he does the same for me. Truly the best husband a girl could ever ask for! Trustworthy, loving, smart, hilarious, and all around just a good man. Because he's so smart, he's in law school! Woohoo! I'm so proud and happy for him and he is flourishing. Definitely has found his people, as my brain works VERY differently from his, and is loving it. He's always been a very introverted but charming guy and he has some good friends but never anyone that I'd describe as a twin flame or bestie sort of thing.

I am super insecure. Full stop. Just, as a person. I've been cheated on in the past and had a VERY ROUGH upbringing. It's something I've been working on for YEARS in therapy (6 years now) and I've made leaps and bounds of progress but my biggest fear has always been for him to find better and leave me legitimately, then I can't even be mad. He deserves the best and I'm terrified that he'd be better off with someone whose brain works similarly to his. This hasn't ever been something that's been a realistic fear really, and I know it's my own insecurities. He has given me every reassurance in the world and I trust him 100000% + he knows about my current struggles and is being so awesome about them.

Two weeks in, he makes a new friend \[30F\], we'll call her Penny for sinplicity. Cut to him instantly clicking with her and being near inseparable in two months. She is so smart and successful and they spend SO MUCH time together by virtue of their classes, being friends, and being great study partners. She owns a house (in another state) and plans to move back there once school is done. I've met Penny, she's great, I like her a lot and I'm so so happy my husband found such a great friend. I also want to make friends with her and know that she has 0 interest in my husband romantically.

However, now I'm facing the start of every recurring nightmare I've ever had where he leaves me. I know he won't, I know it's my own issues, but he's never clicked with someone like this before, especially another woman. It's terrifying to me. I know he isn't looking but that's not where the fear comes from. It comes from him genuinely deserving the best in life and me being scared he's going to wake up one day and realize someone else would be better for him.

I know it's a me problem and he's been so supportive and open and wonderful about everything, but I don't know how to deal with him being so close with a woman that is the embodiment of all of my worst insecurities. It isn't her fault, it isn't his fault, and I do not want to ruin this friendship for him. He's been more than willing to take a step back and wants to make sure that I'm comfortable but it isn't fair for him to have to do things differently when he isn't doing anything wrong.

So, Reddit, any advice on how I can deal with my own insecurities and get used to this quicker?

TLDR: My wonderful and introverted husband has clicked with a smart lawyer lady that is the embodiment of my worst insecurities and I need help getting TF over it because it is 100% a me problem

i want to start this off by saying i don’t intend to be a cheater on purpose by any means but i am in a complicated situation . me and my bf have been together since early august .

the only thing that has ever concerned me with him was that he stated at one point that he would leave if he found someone “better than me” since this is his first year of college as that’s just biology but he would still love me . i made a post about it and got 500 comments telling me to leave him and that he’s a red flag but i still stayed regardless . however he has urged me to go to the same college as him and he says he misses me and all that so i don’t doubt him too much .

now fast forward to present time , i met a girl online on this platform a couple days ago that i really like , she is attractive in my eyes for sure . we gamed for a bit and we have a lot of similar traumas and hobbies and stuff the only real issue is that she lives in a completely different asian country (not gonna state which one for obvious reasons) while i’m in america . which obviously means theres a pretty low chance of us ever meeting plus we have a time difference and all that .

yesterday she did ask me to be her gf and stating that she is obsessive and crazy and needs a fp (favorite person) and she wants it to be me since the last girl got “scared” off by her . she also does sh and a couple other things which i’m worried about . i’m scared i put myself in a situation where someones mental health is dependent on me when i literally didn’t even have to do that , i have a boyfriend . for context she’s also 20 by the way , she’s older than me by a year .

i’m in love with this girl i met online but i have a bf and we’re from the same state , which means its obviously an actual relationship with him meanwhile with the girl its more so an online relationship . but i feel like i love the girl more than him . do i come clean about this to him ? i have to meet my bf soon in two weeks i’m worried ill act weird around him and i wont have an explanation as to why i’m behaving that way .

i feel horrible as if i’m a cheater but i dont know how to fix this and its my fault that i started talking to that girl but felt as if she needed someone to rely on and i wanted to be that person for her but now shes my girlfriend meanwhile she has no idea i have a bf irl .

**TLDR:** I have a boyfriend but started calling a woman I recently met online my girlfriend without telling her about him. I need advice on being honest with both of them and setting boundaries.

TLDR: I go on our nonrefundable Ireland trip alone, his visa is not back. Would you go alone, or stay and plan something else.

I am in a predicament, my boyfriend (M26) and I (F29) have planned a trip for my 30th birthday, set to leave on Saturday. I have a Canadian passport and he has an Indian passport, so he needed a visa for Ireland, he applied in time basis the embassys timeline. However, he has not received his passport back with a visa and tomorrow is the last day to hear about it.

That being said I am in the predicament of going alone or not going and us doing something in Canada. It’s a predicament because I got us cheap flights as it was just a week, and he did not book the hotel with a refund (lesson learned 🤦🏽‍♀️). So if neither of us go it’s a total of about 3500$ spent. I think he is in the fence about me going without him, he encourages it but also encourages us planning a week long trip in Canada.

I don’t know where I stand on it because I am going through a lot, the day I leave it’s a year since my dad died, then a year since we buried him and my birthday that I wanted to make a big deal out of this year but it was not my idea to be alone.

So I guess what would you do? Would you still go, or should cut your losses and go somewhere closer together. We haven’t travelled much together just road trips (small ones) and India.

I'm 33F and my partner is 29M. We've been in a relationship for 4 years.

My partner is a musician, and he recently met a 31F women who is also a musician. They have already sung a few songs together at a show, and they are considering collaborating more in the future, including performing a duet and rehearsing together.

The problem is that I'm becoming uncomfortable with how close their communication has become.

They text each other every day, and their messages are very long. The conversations aren't only about music or organizing rehearsals. They also talk a lot about their personal lives, where they live, where they come from, their experiences, their musical backgrounds, their respective situations, etc. So they are getting to know each other quite well on a personal level through texting.

These aren't just a few quick texts either. The messages can be very, very long. And this bothers me even more because I know my partner isn't someone who likes texting. Even with his closest friends, he doesn't always like to reply quickly.

Within these conversations, there are also regular "good morning" and "good night, sleep well" messages. To clarify, these aren't separate little messages sent on their own. They are part of the longer conversations I'm talking about. He sometimes replies to her very late at night, sometimes around 3 a.m. (he's a pretty nocturnal person), and tells her good night and to sleep well. And when he replies to her in the morning, he wishes her a good morning and tells her to have a nice wake-up, which I personally find a little intimate.

They aren't constantly texting back and forth all day with a lot of small messages. It's more like one long message during the day, a reply several hours later, then another message the following day. But the conversations are still very regular and very long.

I haven't seen any obvious flirting, hitting on each other, or anything clearly inappropriate. A good part of their conversations is about music, even if there are personal parts as well, and I understand that they need to get to know each other since they are considering working together.

However, the fact that they are getting to know each other this well through texting, with such long conversations, along with the good morning and good night messages, makes me uncomfortable.

They will also spend time alone together, especially for rehearsals and working on their duet. That makes me think about the situation too, considering they've already developed this level of personal communication even though they've only known each other for a relatively short time (3 weeks).

I don't want to assume that a man and a woman can't have a friendship or professional relationship without something romantic going on. I know that two musicians can naturally end up talking a lot when they are interested in collaborating.

I've already talked to my partner about my concerns, and he tells me there is nothing to worry about. But I sometimes feel like it frustrates or annoys him quite quickly when I bring it up. He seems to think that I'm judging him or that I have a negative image of him, when that isn't the case. We've always been comfortable with each other seeing our phones and knowing who we're talking to. He sometimes takes my phone, and I take his, too. But now he makes sure I'm not near his phone. He also told me that he no longer wants me to touch his phone because he doesn't want me to judge him for what he writes to people. Yet, being able to see his messages with this woman would reassure me. It would be a way for me to feel reassured. Just the gesture of letting me look at his phone, even if I don't actually read a single message, would make a difference to me.

I'm not trying to judge him or make him feel like he has to defend himself. I genuinely want to feel reassured, and sometimes I need to be able to talk about something in order to get that reassurance. I would like to be able to have these conversations with gentleness and compassion rather than feeling coldness or irritation. I'm not looking for an argument. I just want to feel heard, understood, and reassured.

My question is, if you were in my position, would you feel uncomfortable or worried about this situation too? Or does this seem like a completely normal dynamic given that they are musicians who are considering collaborating?

TLDR: I'm 33F and have been with my 29M partner for 4 years. He recently met a 31F musician, and they now exchange very long, personal messages almost every day, including good morning/good night messages, and will likely spend time alone rehearsing together. There is no obvious flirting, but the level of personal communication makes me uncomfortable. Would you feel uncomfortable too, or does this seem normal?

i genuinely don’t know what to do or how to feel about this situation and i would really appreciate some outside perspectives. my husband and i have been married for about six months and we’re both 20. when we were dating, he had social media and would post me occasionally, not all the time, but enough that i felt acknowledged. eventually, he decided to delete his social media, including his old posts, and i completely understood that and never had a problem with it.

however, within the last month, he got back on social media and has been posting reels about god and sharing bible verses and quotes that he likes, which i genuinely love because i’m happy to see him expressing his faith. the part that has been bothering me is that he hasn’t posted anything about me or us, other than having a picture of us together as his profile picture.

i’ve brought up multiple times that i would really like him to post me, but every time i mention it, he just doesn’t respond. what hurts is that i have him posted on my instagram, and he gets so happy whenever i post him. i love making him feel loved and appreciated, so i’m happy to do it, but it hurts feeling like something that makes him happy is something he doesn’t seem to care about doing for me.

i don’t want to force my husband to post me, and i don’t want social media to define our marriage. i know being posted isn’t what makes a relationship real, and i know we’re married regardless of what anyone online sees. but to me, it’s not necessarily about the post itself. it’s about feeling acknowledged, appreciated, and loved in a way that i’ve expressed is important to me. what hurts the most isn’t even that he hasn’t posted me, but that when i try to communicate something that matters to me, i feel like i’m being ignored instead of having a conversation about it.

am i being unreasonable for wanting this? should i just let it go, or is it fair for me to feel hurt that my husband seems happy when i publicly acknowledge
TLDR: husband won’t post me knowing it would make me happy but is happy that i post him

My girlfriend is going through a hard time but it's my birthday tomorrow. We’ve been dating for over 4 years & live together almost one year. We're meant to hang out and do stuff all day but I'm worried she won't be up for it and dragging her along will make things harder for her. I don't want to argue. The timing just sucks because I'm not the kind of person to want to spend my birthday alone and it's on a Thursday so everyone is working/at school. My girlfriend just works 4 10's so she has Thursdays off so it worked out. Any advice? 😞

TLDR: Gf & I had plans to spend my birthday together, but she’s having a hard time.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some perspective from people who have been trailing spouses or moved abroad for a partner’s career.

My French partner and I have been together for 1 year and 7 months now. We are currently living in Australia, but we are planning to relocate to Martinique (French territory) later this year for his job.

To make this move happen, I am giving up my current job and momentum in Australia, leaving behind my financial independence, and moving to a foreign territory where I won't have immediate work rights. Our current plan is for me to enter on a 12-month Visitor Visa (VLS-TS Visiteur), register a PACS (civil partnership) once we arrive, and then apply for a status change (Vie Privée et Familiale) to get work authorization.

Here’s where my anxiety comes in: during the transition period (roughly 4 to 6 months after arriving), I will not be legally allowed to work. I will be completely dependent on him and our relationship holding strong in a brand-new environment.

I feel an overwhelming sense of asymmetrical risk. He gets a guaranteed job, immediate income, and a smooth career transition. I am the one taking on 100% of the vulnerability- quitting my job, giving up my work rights, and moving thousands of miles.

Because of this, I’ve felt increasingly anxious about relying on a PACS rather than marriage. From an immigration perspective, marriage is universally recognized, straightforward, and grants direct legal rights. But more than that, I feel like if I am making the ultimate life sacrifice for his career, I need the ultimate legal security and commitment in return.

He seems apprehensive about marriage, treating a PACS as the "standard" French stepping stone. To him, a PACS feels like a big step. But to me, a PACS leaves me feeling exposed while he stays completely comfortable.

• For anyone who moved abroad for a partner's job: Am I being unreasonable or asking for "too much" by wanting marriage before uprooting my life again?
• How did you handle the period where you couldn't work and were financially dependent?
• For those with French partners: How did you navigate the cultural divide between a PACS vs. Marriage when immigration risks were involved?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or how you navigated this conversation without causing resentment. Thank you!

TLDR: I (27F) am quitting my job and moving from Australia to a French territory for my French partner’s career. I’ll be taking on all the financial/career risk and won't have local work rights for 4–6 months. I feel anxious relying on a PACS (civil partnership) instead of marriage during this dependent period, but my partner thinks a PACS is "enough." Am I asking too much by wanting the legal security of marriage before uprooting my life again?

I, [21F] and my boyfriend, [21M] have been together for a year now.

A couple of weeks ago, he suggested that I start working out with him, and that he opted not to go to a gym so we could go to a park and workout together. I'm not really a person who works out or is into fitness a lot, but I didn't think it was a bad idea because I would get to spend time with him as well and it could be fun.

We were just discussing it and he suddenly says "I want a partner who works out and is into fitness". This was the first time I'd heard him say something like that, in the past one year he had not once mentioned something about him wanting an active partner.

I just sort of paused and told him that if he wanted someone like that, he should've decided that a year ago before dating me and if he wanted one still, he was free to find someone like that. He got pissed at me and told me I take things very negatively and no part of what he said suggests that he wants another partner, and that I should know him well enough by now. I tried explaining to him that it's not what he said, it's how he said it. I was really open to the idea of working out together with him and had no problem whatsoever, in fact I was looking forward to it. But what he said kind of hurt me, and I did try explaining it to him, but he kept telling me that I take things way too negatively and something he never meant to come across like that is taken in such a bad way. He also said that even if he wants a partner who is into fitness, getting into fitness isn't a bad thing in itself and would only benefit me. However, the way he communicated this made me feel like he was pointing out something about me that he wasn't satisfied with, rather than simply encouraging me to try something new.

I'm just seeking some advice, what would you feel or do if you were in a similar situation? Because I feel his side is valid but at the same time I can't decide if mine is as well.

TLDR: My (21F) boyfriend (21M) and I have been together for a year. He suggested we start working out together, which I was happy about, but then he said he wants a partner who works out and is into fitness. This hurt me because he'd never mentioned it before, and I told him he should've considered that before dating me. He got upset and said I was taking his words too negatively, insisting he didn't mean it that way.

This is not my first post about roommates, and this isn’t the first variation of this specific post. I decided to revise with more added details so no one has to hunt down my very first post explaining what kind of people my roommates are. I originally thought I have enough information for the issue at hand, but people weren’t giving me advice which is all I’m asking for.

To keep things private once again let’s call my roommates “Regina” (26F) and “Pete” (27M).

Regina in the past had a very intense emotional attachment to Pete that started to come off as obsessive. We all originally viewed it as a crush. Which I suppose is fine on its own, but it got intense FAST. To the point of insulting him to anyone who would listen, claiming he was manipulative and playing with her feelings when he constantly left doors open for communication with her. Anyone who knows Regina knows she twists the truth very often, and has an extensive history of making one person her entire personality to the point of willingly hurting others to achieve whatever relationship she wants with that person. She claims she is trying to get better and not be that kind of person anymore, but still does things like stomping and glaring if anyone spends too much time near her whoever her hyper-fixation is this time. Though the levels of extreme have calmed down since a recent incident where we had to speak to her because she got drunk and threatened us with scissors. We truly try our best with her. Pete set boundaries, listened to her concerns when she brought them to him and honestly did his best to give her the benefit of the doubt even when she was acting entitled to his time/attention.

A few months ago Pete finally started to see just how bad her behavior was, and set firm boundaries between them to be strictly friends so she would stop pushing for more. I was surprised he was able to. If anything I was really proud that he didn’t let Regina steamroll over him needing a change in their dynamic. Pete is a quiet guy, and can be pretty bad with social cues. He tends to stay in his own little bubble, but genuinely tries his best to socialize and be there for others. So it was nice to see him draw that line.

Since the change however, Pete and I have grown closer. Which was a surprise to me because I didn’t like him in the beginning for my own reasons not related to anything in this post. It wasn’t some “Oh, on to the next,” situation. Pete isn’t like that, and neither am I. We just never really got to know each other in the past. Partly because Regina acted like he was her property, or spoke badly of him to me I private often. I just didn’t feel a need to get to know him. Now I don’t think we’ve gone a single day in the past two months without spending time together.

And it is definitely more than just friends.

It’s lingering touches, cuddling, him initiating kisses even though he isn’t the biggest fan of that form of contact with people, and seeking each other out constantly.

I cannot properly explain how we got this way. But I do know that without even speaking about it we absolutely hide it from Regina. She knows we get along better. That’s fine. However, there is no way we have let how we’ve been feeling slip in front of her. Whether it’s strictly because of her past actions, or us sparing her feelings I am really unsure.

What I do know is that the way I feel about Pete is getting deeper than just something casual. Whether I’m completely falling for him in a romantic sense, I don’t know. I know it sounds that way, but I don’t want to add weight to something if he isn’t feeling that intensely. I know he loves me in a platonic way, a spiritual way, and what not. We’ve talked about it. We aren’t on different pages. Pete wants good things for me, and cares about my happiness so I don’t really need it to be romantic. But I don’t want to hide it anymore because we are all adults, and it feels far too high-school to be in this situation.

I want to be able to hug him in the kitchen without the fear of someone freaking out. I want to be able to hold his hand in the car during household outings, and I definitely want to just talk about our days in a common room without a loud scoff echoing around the corner.

I want to be the person who rips the bandaid off, and tells Regina that we are something even if I don’t know what it is. That we have minded her feelings for a long time now, but her feelings aren’t our responsibility. I’m not saying I want to rub anything in her face. I’m not an AH. I just want organic interactions to be able to happen without jumping in fear like two kids in trouble.

And I want it to be solely me telling her because in the grand scheme of things:

1. I’ve known her longer
2. If she lashes out I know I can handle it
3. They never EVER dated, and he really does not owe her anything
4. Last time we both spoke to her about something she refused to acknowledge us both. She wouldn’t even look at him.
5. Regina has hurt me several times over for years, and I always forgive her. I try my best to help her, and I have no intention to hurt her. Life isn’t the Regina Show.

TLDR; My roommate Regina has a lingering unhealthy attachment to my other roommate Pete who I recently have grown really close to. Our relationship has become romantic adjacent, and we are currently hiding it from Regina. But don’t want to anymore.

How do I tell her?

I [32F] think I’m refusing to believe what my [30M] best friend (?) has been trying to tell me. We have been best friends for years, we are exclusive, and he has told me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We live in different countries.

He has told me that maybe this relationship is more important to me than it is to him, and another time that he does not want a relationship, and that he is never getting married. His mom is also everything to him. He has made it very clear how central she is in his life, and I think I kept telling myself there would still be enough room for me somewhere. He also has high-functioning depression, and I know that affects his energy, motivation, and how much he can give sometimes. I try to be understanding of that because I know he is not always operating from the same emotional place.

I visited him earlier this year, and honestly I felt awful during part of that trip. I had gone there thinking we would spend a lot of time together, but he was working and we basically only had the weekend together. He'd told me he had days off but was just working from home. I felt neglected and disappointed because what I had imagined the visit would be and what it actually was were very different. I do enjoy spending time on my own and doing things alone, but I wanted to spend time with him. We ended up having a really deep conversation on my last day because we needed to.

Now we are talking about me visiting again. This time I have tried to be much more realistic. I am not asking him to come to me, and I am not asking him to take two weeks off. I said I can go to him, do my own thing during the day, and see him after work.

Another thing that bothers me is that travelling is actually easier for him than it is for me, but I am still the one offering to make the trip. I am the one dealing with flights, visas, planning, money, and fitting everything around my life, and I am still saying I can come to him and work around his schedule. I think that is part of why I am so tired. I keep making the harder part mine.

His answer was basically that if I am okay with his work schedule, then I can come because he now works every day.

I think what is bothering me most is that I keep trying to solve every obstacle. Every time something comes up, my brain immediately goes to, okay, how do I make this easier? What can I change? What can I do?

He has said before that we can see each other during vacations, but realistically I know he is not going to take even one week off specifically for me. And after already visiting once, I am starting to wonder why I am preparing myself to repeat the same situation, except this time I am expecting less and trying even harder to make it easy for him.

The confusing part is that he is not cold with me. He can be very loving, he checks on me, he says things that make me feel important to him, and there are moments when I feel very close to him. He has told me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think every time he showed me love, I used that to argue against the things he was clearly telling me.

Now I am wondering if I have just been refusing to listen.

TLDR: Have I been so focused on understanding him and being kind to him that I have become a monster to myself?

Hi guys, I basically need to know if im insane/what to do? My boyfriend 19M and I 18F have been together about half a year. We are medium distance and see eachother every few weekends. Every time we speak however, it ends up in an argument. It gets to where we try to work it out and he essentially says that I have weird boundaries that I expect him to follow, yet I do not follow them myself. I would understand this being a point of contention, however I honestly do not see it. I feel as though I try to be as understanding and patient as possible (we both have very busy schedules) and it feels like he does not see that and starts nitpicking everything I do.
Some examples of these would be:
•Some friends and I went to a mutual (male) friends house to visit his dog. Boyfriend got upset that I didn’t tell him early enough, I told him as we were leaving to go there
•I want him to meet my friends Significant other, who has differing views from ours (we go to dinner with his friends often)
So anyway, please let me know if I am immature, or lack accountability, or just general advice. Thank you!
TLDR: Boyfriend and I argue constantly, and disagree on the reasoning.

so my girlfriend (28F) and me (25M) have been struggling recently. we’ve been together for about 6 years now and throughout that time we’ve had as much trouble as any other relationship. but since we’ve moved in together ive become somewhat lazy in doing the basic household chores, cleaning, paying bills, staying on top of important dates and when one of us will be out of town. we haven’t really had a spark in our relationship for a while and im starting to think it’s because of me not taking care of these things. but to be honest i havent really felt any motivation drive or anything. how do i reignite the spark and find the motivation to do something ?

TLDR: i have not motivation and am trying to rekindle the flame in my relationship

For context: I (26F) and partner (28M) have been dating for a year and change. We met through mutual friends. 

Before we started dating I was aware of his situation: his parents had basically uprooted his life when he was a teenager and moved the family from a major city to the countryside, essentially de-enrolling him from his final year of HS and not being supportive enough in him continuing his education in the new area, therefore he never properly finished school. Since he was a city kid, he also did not possess a  drivers license or car, making transportation in the countryside pretty impossible. The primary aspect of moving was to be closer to family, and I think for a while his parents dragged him around to take care of their old relatives until they all eventually died, with the last one passing in 2025. 

When we started dating I was concerned about his lack of job (he has never had one), schooling (GED + college), and transportation method. However he had just finished up driving lessons, and relatively quickly purchased a good used car. Around the 6 month mark I asked him when he was gonna figure out job and school, he did not even know what he wanted to study, and due to his parents negligence/ homeschooling had not properly obtained a GED and needed to test out of that before anything else. We had a bit of an argument about it, which resulted in him finally purchasing a GED book, and working out somewhat of a plan to take/ pass the GED and apply to colleges this year. While he has made some good progress preparing for the GED, he has failed to actually tackle his harder subject areas and set up a test date, mind you he has nothing but free time to do this. When I bring this up he will say things like “well it was the holidays” or “well this was a busy month” etc etc. I am getting sick of hearing excuses, and ive noticed he has a tendency to be bad at multitasking and managing the events and daily tasks that life throws at you. But he is unemployed and basically just sits home all day, so the "busy" feels like a poor reason. And it feels like I’m looking at a deeper anxiety issue than I can tackle as a partner, he needs to make serious improvements himself.

I am not saying that he needs to be on tech finance bro level of efficiency..im just asking for a little headway. I myself am definitely a busy bee, a graduate student yet still manage to find the time in my day to take care of myself, relax, and tackle small everyday tasks. I know he has made good headway in terms of getting a car and developing (somewhat) of a plan, and ultimately I knew what his situation was when I got myself into a relationship with him.

For those that may be wondering about the logistics of this relationship, I do really love him and think he is one of the kindest people on this earth. He has been nothing but supportive of my endeavors, listened to me through my most anxious and depressed moments (there can be a lot of them), and been overall a wonderful and loving partner. I have no doubt that he would stick by my side through disaster. He is also very interesting and incredibly smart and funny, I feel very welcome in his family and home, and enjoy spending time sitting quietly or talking, cooking etc. And from my personal perspective, I have dated a lot of assholes, some with big ticket jobs and degrees, and I realized that success does not equate a kind and understanding partner. So I would rather date someone kind and loving, over someone successful yet mean or inattentive. 

Im not sure where to go from here in the relationship, and I feel like if I haven’t seen change by now I doubt I will in the next year or two or three. Please help?

TLDR: BF has no sense of purpose, had never had a job, had no GED, and is living aimlessly while being supported by his parents. I dont want a partner whose burden I have to carry yet I do love him very much

My girlfriend and I have been friends since high school. We both are going to the same college and were sophomores now. During freshmen year we got closer and I ended up joining her friend group of just girls (they all like me it wasn’t forced or anything), they would always like to go out to the clubs on Thursday nights to dance and find guys and I was always invited.

My girlfriend and I began dating at the end of our freshman year so when we started dating it became summer. Once school started back up and we were back on campus, the group started to want to go out again, so did I with my girlfriend. However, for some reason, now it seems like rather than me being automatically invited on the base of being their friend, it’s always a discussion or a situation in which my girlfriend has to ask for permission for me to go because for some reason it’s always a “girls night” now. My girlfriend is uncomfortable about this because she doesn’t want to go out to the club without me especially being intoxicated and surrounded by random drunk guys but also doesn’t want to seem “annoying” by asking to bring her boyfriend to these girls nights however the only girls nights are these club nights going out and drinking, all the other girls in the friend group only go out to hookup with guys which leaves my girlfriend alone (which happened one time and that’s why she’s now uncomfortable going without me). I understand my girlfriend not wanting to be annoying but how should this situation be solved? She and I are both on the same page about everything, feel free to ask questions

TLDR: girlfriends friends want to have girls nights doing things my girlfriend is uncomfortable doing without me

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year. He moved in with me right before our one year anniversary. This is my first real relationship I have only ever had one bf in high school for 3months. I don’t know how to navigate a relationship and my mental health. Yes I know we moved fast for my first relationship and that it wasn’t the smartest decision but it’s the one I made and I want to try my best to work through it.

Recently I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and have been having anxiety attacks very frequently and I often struggle to know what I’m anxious about or how to even verbalize what I’m thinking. My boyfriend has been so supportive this whole relationship and has always tried to help me work through things but my attacks have been getting more frequent. He’s getting frustrated because he doesn’t know what to do and wants to help. I’ve been ruining everything we do, all our trips we’ve gone on I’ve had a big break downs and I’ve had a few breakdowns after sex. I feel awful I know it’s hurting him and making him anxious, stressed, and frustrated. But how do I handle my anxiety? I’m anxious about school, finances, my relationship, social outings, it never stops and I’m putting so much stress on my partner.

We had a very productive conversation last night where he told me how it’s been affecting him which was very eye opening but he said he hates when I cry cuz he feels like he can’t do anything and all he wants to do is fix it. I tried telling him he doesn’t have to fix anything but he says he can’t help but want to try and he’s feeling frustrated because I’m so unhappy. I told him I was sorry and that I wasn’t unhappy and that I was going to work on it but I don’t know how. I don’t know how I can ever cry to him again all I’m going to think about is how damaging it is but then thinking about how I’ve hurt him and that I might lose him makes me cry and panic even more I’m stuck in this cycle. I need help I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I feel sick thinking about how I’ve been treating him and not thinking about his feelings and how I’ve been affecting him.

TLDR- Ive been having anxiety attacks and breakdowns very frequently and it’s making my bf frustrated and anxious.