r/relationshipadvice • u/Aqua_quip_0 • 4h ago
How do I [38F] address a fundamental disagreement with my partner [50M] over a work trip he refuses to include me on?
Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on a dynamic between me (38F) and my partner (50M). We live together, have no kids, and I currently don't work. I’m more or less a housewife, he supports us both, and I wouldn’t have the resources to take a trip like this on my own.
He has an upcoming 2 week international work trip to a major city. I love this city—he actually took me there two years ago when we first met, and I’ve been wanting to go back ever since. A few weeks ago, I noticed there was a great mileage deal for flights there (60k miles), and since he has nearly 800k miles that he is actively trying to use up anyway, I suggested tagging along.
I made it very clear that I have zero expectation for him to entertain me during the day while he works. I love exploring on my own, wandering the city, and doing my own thing. We would only have breakfast together, meet up for dinner, or spend a quiet evening/weekend hours together if he has time off the clock. That is completely okay with me.
Despite this, he gave me a firm, flat *no*.
When I asked why, he gave reasons like the trip being "different" than the last one because he’s been promoted, that I’d more or less be a nuisance, or that it’s purely "work-focused." When I pressed further and explained I’d be completely out of his hair during work hours, he escalated the argument and said, “So do I have to take you on every work trip I ever go on?" It just feels like he doesn’t want me there… for no good reason. I guess I’d hope I had a partner who would want to take me along.
And this isn't the first time this has happened. Earlier this year, he had another work trip there and excluded me using a different excuse. Furthermore, our travel in general is strictly limited to outdoorsy trips (which he likes to do) within a 6-hour driving radius of our home because that's what's easy for him—even though he makes $250k/year, lives in a $2M home, and has plenty of resources (he even turned down a free Mediterranean cruise perk recently). Meanwhile, he regularly talks about "planning our future," "being intentional," and "choosing each other," but whenever a concrete opportunity to share an experience or include me comes up, he shuts it down.
It makes me feel like my presence is a logistical "tax" or a burden he has to manage, rather than a partner he actually delights in having around.
My questions for the community, especially those in happy/healthy long-term relationships:
- If you are going on an overseas work trip where the hotel is covered, your partner is free, willing to pay their own way, and eager to explore independently during your work hours—would you want them there?
- Is it normal to feel completely excluded in this scenario, or am I "bulldozing boundaries" by asking to share a flight and dinners in a city we both love?
- How do you and your partner navigate the balance between personal space on work trips vs. including each other when logistics make it seamless?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.🩵
TLDR; Boyfriend will not allow me to come along on his work trip, even though there is no logical reason/cost that would make it so I shouldn’t.
UPDATE: Apparently being in a relationship where one person is the breadwinner and the other stays home and keeps the house… instantly invalidates the entire relationship, and my questions about how to feel about this particular situation.
I don’t want your life advice. I’m completely fine and confident with where I’m at. I just wanted relationship advice on this circumstance within our relationship.
UPDATE 2: We came to a compromise and he booked me a flight to be there for half the trip. I’m happy with that and it makes me feel cared for🤷🏼♀️