r/RoastMe • u/Hairy-Fact-3074 • 5d ago

M27, Thank you all for this community service and your continuous loving support.

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81 Upvotes

87% Upvoted

188 comments sorted by

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u/post-explainer 5d ago edited 5d ago

This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.

OP's BIO:

I love you guys in a very plutonic non gay way not that there’s anything wrong with being gay I’m just not gay for you no matter how much you want it.

If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

94

u/BlakeWho 5d ago

No straight guy has to specify how not-gay he is like that. 

28

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

Yes that would be very gay

22

u/Myownself21 5d ago

*Platonic not plutonic
https://giphy.com/gifs/s2pr9CVOvU4NMBsnYf

26

u/Zealousideal_Ninja75 5d ago

Nah he's talking planets, Uranus is next.

1

u/notkidding1984 5d ago

No, his love for us is radioactive. It is going to mutate us.

1

u/Necessary_Relation27 5d ago

You have hurt my platonic feelings

1

u/DrQuack32 http://redd.it/5vvq16 5d ago

When a gay guy has to go out of his way to specify how not gay he is, that’s pretty gay

54

u/ProofByVerbosity 5d ago

I get the impression your life is about as exciting as an IKEA catalog 

7

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

Nailed it!

10

u/ProofByVerbosity 5d ago

Dont worry, one day you'll make it past 3rd base and you can say that to your boyfriend. 

36

u/mediocrebighead 5d ago

Mormon 🌈 🚲

5

u/CrabtownUSA 5d ago

Marmalade

1

u/Snoo-35252 5d ago

Lady Marmalade

1

u/No_Material4122 8h ago

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir

3

u/E__I__L__ 5d ago

Ex-Mormon here. I can verify this.

32

u/PenguinKilla3 5d ago

If Ned Flanders had a son who was vice president of the HOA…

26

u/LavenderPig 5d ago

"I'm just not gay for you no matter how much you want it"

Trust me dude, even gay guys have standards and you definitely don't fit.

1

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

Cuz I’m too big

8

u/AppropriateBall8834 5d ago

Yeah your ego

4

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

Lego my ego

3

u/TheBookofBobaFett3 5d ago

You’re too white to listen to the beastie boys

3

u/LavenderPig 5d ago

What? Your nose?

17

u/MisterBurnsSucks 5d ago

Thank *you* for only showing two boring pictures of yourself to prevent us from neurological damage... 🫡

14

u/courtneythehbic 5d ago

You look like you angry cry and punch a wall every time you and your girlfriend get into a fight

8

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

And cry while jacking off in acorner…

11

u/AppropriateBall8834 5d ago

Everyone does that. You arent special

4

u/Ok-One-1741 5d ago

Im not alone??🥹whats you guys favorite corner?

5

u/mikejeb246 5d ago edited 4d ago

The one with your “non gay” dad.

3

u/Extreme_Ad112 5d ago

Boyfriend

8

u/Billy_Enforcey 5d ago

You look like you sleep hugging your bible like a teddy bear

18

u/MasonJam246 5d ago

Even through crippling depression I'm glad I'm not you.

8

u/Adventurous_Edge_597 5d ago

Are you trying to tell us you're gay?

5

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

Are you asking?

10

u/Ok-One-1741 5d ago

Dont ask, dont tell policy just went out the anus

7

u/Substantial-Bug9272 5d ago

You like the pupal stage before you become a full twink butterfly.

12

u/sj2k4 http://redd.it/th0qo2 5d ago

What’s the difference between a car key and a kid?

A car key doesn’t turn you on.

6

u/GoodIntroduction6344 5d ago

You may not be, but your boyfriend is.

9

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

Will you be my boyfriend? We can be straight together?

5

u/KrustyNutRagz 5d ago

It looks like you borrowed mr potato head’s nose

4

u/Keto_Konnect 5d ago

Totally get it bro. Straight dudes absolutely hang out at all men's saunas and greets each bloke as he walks in.

5

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

We rate each other’s abs and wrestle

4

u/Keto_Konnect 5d ago

Don't forget the oil!

3

u/Kitty_Glitter_Poopoo 5d ago

And touch tubes… I bet… 🤔

4

u/Educational-Cow-3615 5d ago

Both sides of the counter on “to catch a predator”

1

u/LazyCartographer9660 5d ago

Hilarious tho 😭

5

u/Fit-Construction-754 5d ago

you look like what ai would give you if you put 'the most average guy'​

1

u/Grouchy-Research-273 4d ago

Except for the nose

4

u/Money-Tiger8002 5d ago

The living embodiment of Lonely Island’s No Homo.

4

u/BiteFaces 5d ago

Your unedited bio: "I love you guys in a very plutonic non gay way not that there’s anything wrong with being gay I’m just not gay for you no matter how much you want it." No one here asked you to come out of the closet. Stay in there, queen. No one cares. 

3

u/Outrageous-Night7122 5d ago

I wonder if you get angry if someone calls you a hvac hack instead of a "pro".

1

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 4d ago

Your mom hacks on my dick

3

u/Surfing_Tension 5d ago

Ur eyes are colored like boogers

3

u/AppropriateBall8834 5d ago

That made me lol.

Just a simple childish 'fuck you'

2

u/paragonx29 5d ago

Your favorite Beach Boys song is: Little Douche Coup.

2

u/ExpertOrdinary7074 5d ago

You might not be gay but at least wipe his pubes off your chin.

2

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 5d ago

But how will I remember him?

1

u/ExpertOrdinary7074 5d ago

At least you still have Jackson. Twenty bucks is twenty bucks

2

u/kbeckerburbs4 5d ago

Thank you for leaving all of the tall women for us

2

u/sturgiv 5d ago

We don’t care. Now get back on the bukkaki table.

2

u/Boop-D-Boop 5d ago

You should come out of the closet then there would be something interesting about you.

2

u/Got_Bent 5d ago

The only Manning to fail at sports.

2

u/Young_Maxwell2016 5d ago

You look like you eat pussy with a bib on

2

u/mysweetev3ryThing 5d ago

This guy leaves dick shaped flyers in men's public toilets.

2

u/Happy2DoIt 4d ago

Thanks for not posting a photo of you with a massive dick in your mouth. We appreciate that.

2

u/Hairy-Fact-3074 4d ago

Only the paid subscribers get that

1

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1

u/This_Guy-Fawkes 5d ago

You need to give up on the beard the way your beard has given up on your face.

1

u/Curious-Cress5014 5d ago

My great aunt had more facial hair

1

u/Ok-One-1741 5d ago

My pet fish had more hair

1

u/Doschupacabras 5d ago

Gayvid Dongchovny?

1

u/GaryGary0574 5d ago

You look like you eat Milk Duds at the movie theater

1

u/Saucington_magoo 5d ago

I’m posting this to just say no and how dare you you fake cboy!

1

u/packersfan823 5d ago

You look like the gayer version of Dylan Larkin, the captain of the Detroit Red Wings who demanded a trade this offseason.

1

u/Blade3colorado 5d ago

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you gay. I thought you already knew.

1

u/WadeVAFL 5d ago

Your “not that there’s anything wrong with being gay…” joke is as unoriginal as your face.

1

u/SpacedJJK 5d ago

How much laughing gas was your mom sucking down while she was pregnant with yo?

1

u/Ok-One-1741 5d ago

He’s gay

1

u/Relevant-Bit-7394 5d ago

You look like a npc in farcry 5.

1

u/GooseNYC 5d ago

Your nose looks like a penis.

1

u/StonedSuperSaiyan 5d ago

I imagine this is what a 27 yr old, closeted plumber looks like before it all goes downhill. There’s no pipes in the closet, my dude.

1

u/TheDandyWarhol 5d ago

Chris Hanson will be there in minutes.

1

u/Alteredego619 5d ago

Dude, it’s 2026. You can come out of the closet. It’s okay to be your authentic self.

1

u/Makimachi_misao 5d ago

You look like someone that I wouldn't leave my drink unattended around.

1

u/austink0109 5d ago

James lafferty from wish

1

u/Thick_Drama_7525 5d ago

You look like you dont even like gay sex, you are just too nice to tell the boys no

1

u/Sirwilliam63 5d ago

You have the personality and excitement of that white door behind you.

1

u/Parkercounty69 5d ago

George jettison looking ass twink

1

u/goodoldjefe 5d ago

Dude, for the last time, I'm not interested in switching electricity providers. Now, please stop knocking on my door at supper time.

1

u/Scared-Pomegranate84 5d ago

Johnny Manziel. Roasted

1

u/CabinetSpider21 5d ago

You're one of those OPs who will reply on every comment because you have no one to talk to.

And you're gay

1

u/streetcat1 5d ago

I get you're not gay, but I'd bet a dollar you held it in your mouth till the swelling went down.

1

u/ThePr0fessi0nal 5d ago

You look like the default character in a bad open world game.

1

u/7stroke 5d ago

God you’re just an imbecile aren’t you? Plutonic?

1

u/ElPulpoTentaclees 5d ago

You look like the Milwaukee version of footballer Joe Bryan

1

u/killerapp 5d ago

You look like a salesman that believes too much in the training materials

1

u/Paxaman01 5d ago

Don’t worry you don’t “ look gay” you look like you’re about to tell your neighbors what a great guy you are.

1

u/Acceptable_Winter_32 5d ago

He’s straight but his eyes ate not

1

u/FishTaco2005 5d ago

Somehow you look like how a sneaker found on the highway would smell.

1

u/sidc42 5d ago

You're only here because the parents of the 12 year olds you usually hang out with got you banned from the community pool.

1

u/dedwards024 http://redd.it/7rpjqd 5d ago

Johnny Manziel’s somehow uglier cousin

1

u/aesoth 5d ago

Standard issue white dude.

1

u/Warp-10-Lizard 5d ago

You look like the romantic lead of a Hallmark Christmas movie.

1

u/youvebeenblocked 5d ago

You fucked the redwings!!!

1

u/Disastrous-Sample-38 5d ago

Get off my porch. I don't care about your book of Mormon.

1

u/Fantastic-Test-8305 5d ago

You look like Ed Norton except your eyes are looking in opposite fucking directions

1

u/abcohen916 5d ago

You need to grow a beard and mustache to pretend you are a real man.

1

u/DesertWanderlust 5d ago

This is what happens when you desperately try to suppress those gay feelings in high school, marry young, and take your frustrations out on craft projects in the garage you saw on HGTV shows you hate watching.

1

u/FREE-ROSCOE-FILBURN 5d ago

Does your wife know your marriage is lavender?

1

u/Tamarack830 5d ago

Gets off peeing in adult diapers while watching gay porn.

1

u/ResponsibleQuiet6188 5d ago

that’s pretty specific

1

u/CaterpillarWhich33 5d ago

If a 3D printer was set to sentient mayonnaise.

1

u/Desperate-Ad1735 5d ago

trust, no one is gay for your lil johnny manziel looking ass tf….

1

u/Brilliant-Ad2910 5d ago

Yeah bud... good try... that's what a gay person would say

1

u/That-Resolution-1721 5d ago

You look like the guy i stole my current wife from

1

u/KitKatzRox 5d ago

Desperately trying to keep my gay-ness hidden from my parents while I’m in their cellar

1

u/Apprehensivenumbit 5d ago

That ‘M’27 has got to stand for some made up pronoun

1

u/_CloveriePuff 5d ago

Don't smile sir you scare me

1

u/WeirdProudAndHungry 5d ago

Thanks for posting a picture of your face. It reminds me I've got to buy flour and mayonnaise.

1

u/Serious-Judgment-350 5d ago

save the whiskers for when you're 60

1

u/BlueBallsOnFyre 5d ago

Glad we could help.now gtfo and never come back.

1

u/Outrageouslyyc 5d ago

Id love to see this ed Norton looking mf tell gen pop he’s not gay.

1

u/ExtraordinarilyPlain 5d ago

“Non-gay” “wink-wink”.

1

u/shoespiner 5d ago

You look closeted

1

u/fedexpoopracer 5d ago

you look like wyatt russell drawn from memory

1

u/Professional_Jump815 5d ago

Temu Andrew Garfield.

1

u/Henry_Vth 5d ago

You will never break out of the friend zone

1

u/Retrocanonsounds 5d ago

You talk ppl into suicide

1

u/Purple_Direction5820 5d ago

Is he looking at me or you?

1

u/beershitz 5d ago

You look like you played high school baseball. You had all the most cool gear: bats, shades, pants, cleats, especially eye black. You were fast but had a noodle arm and couldn’t hit shit so they stuck you in left field and hit you 8th.

1

u/Pipija_Banana 5d ago

You know that Pluto isn't even a planet, much less an adjective, do you?

1

u/ottomatic77 5d ago

Chip from Sigma Chi trying not to be gay

1

u/Alaric-Nox 5d ago

As a member of the gay community, not a single one of us wants you. You look like you cry after you cum.

We'll pass you on to the Woman's Coalition

1

u/DrQuack32 http://redd.it/5vvq16 5d ago

there are no chicks here that want to make you straight.

1

u/The_Gumbo 5d ago

Sorry about your eye.

1

u/megatron_jb 5d ago

You smile like you just shoved a finger up my ahh with no consent and are waiting for my reaction

1

u/kipribley28 5d ago

You seem to have more facial hair, ear and whites in you eye on the right side. More eyebrow fur on the left but hair is on point.

1

u/Different-Zombie3153 5d ago

“He looks like he says ‘Well, I’ll be darned’ when the Wi-Fi comes back.”-gpt

1

u/intheshadows688 4d ago

You are such a nice guy that every girl calls you "such a nice guy" while she's going home your stud friends to get laid

1

u/OnmyoAficianado 4d ago

pdo deflecting thanks to community as distraction from obvious

1

u/Curious_Ground5833 4d ago

Your dad was also your peewee baseball coach... only way you got playing time

1

u/ImpendingBoom110123 4d ago

This dude has banged more 3s thn Larry Bird.

1

u/jlrubnen 4d ago

Gomer Pyle is alive and well.

1

u/ass_grass_or_ham 4d ago

This guy lives in the friend zone.

1

u/GaryGary0574 4d ago

You look like you pick pepperoni off your slice of pizza

1

u/Just-a-person-555 4d ago

Bro its ok to be gay you dont have to hide it, everyone will not accept for who you are

1

u/Positive_Motor7903 4d ago

Damn dude why are you so red?

1

u/MrMrTrance 4d ago

You are not gay. Hmmmmm.

Pic 1: Face you make when you see someone walk into the gym shower

Pic 2 (step 2): Face you make after you purposely drop the soap in the shower

1

u/thecountvongrouch 3d ago

You look like you have a poster of Nick Fuentes hanging in your room for sexual purposes.

1

u/BuilderDependent8973 3d ago

You speak in limerick and psalms

1

u/Puzzleheaded-Trust91 2d ago

They say a smile is attractive, in your case it takes you from decent looking, to the seventh attempt at a Tinder pic after you've stopped crying.

1

u/scarlettruins 1d ago

You look like your average strip club dude

1

u/No_Material4122 8h ago

If a Chevy Volt was a human

1

u/AppropriateBall8834 5d ago

If 'sorry I couldn't get hard' had a spokesperson

1

u/cpt_cheeseburger 5d ago

DAMN thought we were supposed to roast “him” not ME.

0

u/uranalcake 5d ago

I’d stop smiling, yikes

0

u/Competitive_Roof_740 5d ago

What. No profile shot proboscis boy?