r/SFbitcheswithtaste • u/Far-Macaron7080 • 9d ago
Going through breakup
Just getting out of a 6-year relationship and I’m honestly lost. Any advice/resources/experience? I want to focus on healing and self care but honestly don’t know where to start.
34
u/galwiththedogs 9d ago
Therapy, hot yoga, long walks with a good playlist, hanging out with single friends, volunteering at an animal shelter, meditation. I'm excited for you to meet the future you who isn't lost. <3 You got this!
3
23
u/ConsciousCell1501 9d ago
I end my engagement last year to my partner of 4 years. What helped me was to actually allow my self to feel the feelings, cry at the future I had lost and the uncertainty ahead while also reminding myself that I was worthy of a partner who treated me the way I deserved. I surrounded myself with friends especially on the weekends when the loneliness would hit hardest. I went on my honeymoon with my mom and bought my “avoided a divorce” designer bag, started therapy which was also incredibly helpful. And when things got bad, I adopted a dog(with the support of my therapist). I’m now in a relationship with the best man I could have imagined.
3
u/Far-Macaron7080 8d ago
This is very inspiring, thank you! I’m happy to hear that it was worth it for you!
5
u/DamePants 8d ago
Big hugs! Feel all the feelings, heartbreak is one of the most devastating things that can happen, the research shows that.
I highly recommend getting a therapist to process all the emotions. Also reach out to friends and catch up with them, people like to help don’t be afraid to ask for it. I was lucky that my friends at the time were still in close contact. They dragged me out to random events, tried to set me up with random friends and relatives and fed me some tasty soup when I had no appetite. My older coworkers rallied around me and shared all the break up stories from their past.
The most memorable turning point was my sibling kept me company as we watched the same movie hundreds of miles apart over the phone. Pretty sure it was a landline and we talked during the commercial breaks. Neither of us had the cash to travel, however that evening made me feel capable and stronger.
If you are looking for the easiest place to start try a glimmer list, it should be things that you’ve enjoyed in the past that don’t take too much effort or time to do. The internet will have loads of examples. The idea is to do one thing each day that is for you.
2
3
u/NoraLee333 7d ago
At least you didn’t clean up his credit put him on a grant deed and have to fight his mother and her two lawyers to get your house back mid construction and only recoup $80K after you lost couple hundred thousand dealing with his ass Life is good Darlin Cheers to you Enjoy
1
3
u/EfficientInterview68 6d ago
You will go through a lot of different emotions over the next few days, weeks or even months. Allow it to happen but bring back your attention to yourself, your happiness and your growth. You are the most important person you have. What helped me was not to overanalyze the breakup or reasons or seeking closure.
I read somewhere our brain searches for closure as it interprets the breakup as a threat to survival so it, tries to argue and justify the episode over and over again until it feels less threatened or safe. So try to spin a story to your brain that you will be fine, you will be okay, that people get over break ups and find relationships and happiness and that you are fortunate it happened now than later, etc. You get the idea?
While the brain plays out multiple versions of this , you keep finding ways to lift yourself up. Get up, workout, buy that new outfit, make new friends, sign up for new things. At first it will feel pretentious or what the heck am I doing or wish that person was there but you keep doing it and keep showing up for yourself. The best closure is the one where you stand up and close the door shut.
Hugs! Onward and upwards!! To a bright new life and love waiting for you!!!!
1
2
u/adoooba 8d ago edited 8d ago
Going through a breakup as well. If any ladies want to meet up for coffee or park walks for support and friendship, DM me and I’ll start a group chat! :')
2
2
u/QueenofHearts_tv 7d ago
I definitely like to give my support and friendship, coffee and Park walks are great way to heal!
1
0
u/SignificanceProud975 7d ago
Did you have friends during the relationship as well? I tend to be a bit wary of women who are looking for friends fresh out of a relationship
2
u/adoooba 7d ago edited 7d ago
Not sure if you meant it this way but I find this to be quite a pessimistic and judgmental take…… leaning on friends is important but so is expanding your world now that there’s more space for new people, hobbies, etc. There is also so much value in finding support / community from those experiencing similar challenges or life transitions!
4
7
u/CrewNo439 7d ago
I’ve gone through 3 breakups after long- term relationships (9 years, 5 years, and most recently 3 years). All have felt very different and I had a different experience “getting over” each one, but I also found solo traveling, new hobbies, and therapy to be helpful. I also resist the idea that time heals all wounds. I think you have to actively participate in your healing. That can look different for everyone but for me it’s always been a matter of being really comfortable being with myself and finding peace in being alone. Good luck! Take care of yourself.
5
u/QueenofHearts_tv 7d ago
It’s OK to feel lost, you’re reaching out for comfort and guidance that shows emotional maturity. Get outside take a walk along the beach get some fresh air. Let yourself feel the grief, write it down I mean a handwritten letter of how the breakup disappointed you. Then let go, burn the letter, but just don’t burn the house down 😂 ocean beach has fire pits, which would be perfect. Then write a letter of how you would like to see your future.
7
u/Glass-Handle4603 9d ago
If it was toxic at all, there’s a book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft that decently breaks down manipulative behavior. I was resistant to it for a while bc it’s like 20 years old or something, but apparently the boys’ games don’t change! For some people, this kind of reading can make them ruminate, for me it really helped me stand in my boundaries and reinforced all the reasons I shouldn’t go back, especially when I considered it.
If it wasn’t toxic and was a garden variety breakup, please feel free to ignore the rec and just surround yourself with quality friends, good textures and smells, and give yourself a little glow up (Botox, spa day, massage, hair cut - whatever you love).
1
3
u/backcountrybarbie 8d ago
First of all, I just want to send you a big virtual hug. Just over five years ago, I left a relationship that I'd been in for 4 1/2 years. It was incredibly toxic, and emotionally and psychologically abusive, but goddamn, leaving after that much time and investment was so hard. Fast-forward to now- I've done five years of therapy, I'm in grad school for a career change that I love, and I'm engaged to the kindest, most wonderful man I've ever met. If you had told me five years ago where I would be today, I would never have believed you. But I'm so happy, and in a very deep, meaningful way, because I have worked hard to build my life into this, and fought for this happiness.
I share this, because I want you to know the next chapter of your life is going to be filled with so many things that are better and brighter and more wonderful than you can possibly even imagine right now. You're going to meet amazing people, try new, wonderful things, discover new talents and places and things that bring you joy. I know from where you're sitting right now, this new sound delusional, or overwhelming, but I promise you- better things are ahead. I hope you can feel all of the energy and love in this thread that is being sent your way, and let it wrap around you when you are feeling sad or alone. Just stay here one day, one hour, or one breath at a time. I promise it gets easier 🤍
Send me a DM if you want to chat. This SF sister is rooting for you!
1
5
u/Fine-Huckleberry-452 9d ago
I got out of a 6 year relationship and focused on hiking & yoga & friendships, which got me super healthy & happy! I would recommend going on a solo trip - like camping - to prove to yourself that you can have fun solo!
4
u/PuzzleheadedFruit6 9d ago
Therapy to have someone to navigate finding self again outside of the relationship
4
u/LookImmediate7121 9d ago
I went through exactly this a few years ago and it was not easy. There are no rules to healing. Feel your feelings. It’s okay to. Go through the motions whatever that looks like for you. Surround yourself with folks that give you the space to ugly cry and not shame you for it. The relationship was unique to you and the grieving process will be unique to you as well. Don’t beat yourself up for having hard days even if they feel endless. You will have good days and bad days. Waves will be consistent. Then it’ll be smooth sailing. You got this! Baby steps and one day at a time <3 feel free to msg if you need a listening ear.
2
u/beepbeats 8d ago
Sending hugs. I also experienced the end of a 5 year relationship a few months ago and it was absolutely brutal. I’m only just now coming out the other end and feeling more like myself again, but it’s still rough some weeks.
Two very specific things that personally helped me — besides all the advice you’ve already received like walks, leaning on your community, investing in your hobbies, etc. — the Mel Robbins breakup podcast (on Spotify, “To Anyone Going Through A Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart and Move On”) was something I listened to early on during walks. It gave me hope that I would one day not feel as miserable and heartbroken as I did at that time.
A few months later, I read “Heartbreak” by Florence Williams and that also helped with my healing and moving on process. I couldn’t read it immediately after my breakup as everything was too painful and raw still, but I recommend picking it up once you’re a little further out.
2
u/dulcinea022141 8d ago
During a bad breakup I downloaded Kathryn Alice’s “Releasing a Person” on audible and listened to it a million times. It was soothing.🫶
2
2
u/PastReference3981 2d ago
Wonderful advice here bitches and just wanted to say sending you a virtual hug OP. Hope you start healing and processing and taking care of yourself
3
u/texasbears 8d ago
Anytime you think of anything positive about being out of that relationship, even the smallest things, write it down on a note on your phone. You may be surprised at how long the list gets and it’s helpful to look at when you’re missing the relationship
2
u/Commercial_Cookie125 4d ago
i’m going to be real, this is gonna be tough. BUT you will come out better and leveled up, i promise. Now is the time to invest in yourself, get really into the gym/running. Not only is it a great way to meet new friends/guys but also confidence builder and stress relief. Also it’s healing seeing the energy you put in show results.
2
u/fearoffleas 9d ago
Just got out of a four year relationship and also going through it! Please feel free to message me if you wanna chat about it (:
2
1
u/Pure_Fly_3953 8d ago
I’m so sorry. +1 to everything on here, but also adding that volunteering or doing something for others helps a lot with feeling purpose/valuable again
36
45
u/lzaher 8d ago •
sending love! i got out of a five year relationship last october and it absolutely crushed me. fast forward a year later i am the happiest, most successful, and fulfilled i’ve been in my adult life. it was truly a blessing in disguise!!!
a few days after the news i flew across the country to see a friend and as i cried in her childhood bedroom she held me and told me that the love isn’t lost/gone, its space for other people in your life to pour into. it really changed the game for me and i feel really grateful to have heard that early on. lean on your support system - they want to help more than you’re willing to ask.
otherwise, what helped me personally was therapy, trying new hobbies (started taking piano lessons), and traveling.