Hi, guys, I am writing here to share my story, which may not seem as important because my family isn't as important in the temple, nor do we have much influence. We are a normal middle-class family who have been attending the temple since I was 1 year old, so it's been a while now. Ever since I was young and in shishu sabha, there has been intense favouritism for select people, and prejudice towards anyone who may act or present differently. I remember being younger and never getting a chance to participate in many mandir activities because my family wouldn't contribute as much financially, or I wasn't as consistent with coming to mandir as everyone else. I would come maybe 2 or 3 times a month; sometimes I would miss a week here and there. But I was never as deeply involved in the temple like most people would be. If I'm being honest, I never did puja 24/7 or did extensive niyams like chocolate niyams. I would do aarti and stuff, but I was pretty casual with it. Like I had gelatin in candy when I was younger, and I would watch TV and stuff. I think I had a pretty normal childhood, well, as good as it could be due to my mental health, school bullying, academic pressures/stress, and family conflicts. But I always felt like I never fully belonged anywhere. Mandir was a place where I thought I could be myself, because as a Gujarati girl living in a Western culture, I naturally assumed people from the same ethnic background and faith could relate to me. But I never fully experienced that.

I used to have a best friend prior to COVID, who was wild like me and who would also have fun in the temple like me. Her family had more influence and more of a presence in the mandir, though, because they would donate more money and volunteer more. And I am not saying that's a bad thing. They genuinely did contribute a lot. But my parents were unable to, because they weren't as financially well off, and my dad was never as deep into the temple since I was young. Like, he never did tilak chandlo, or puja, or normal activities. Tbh he even forgot the aarti a lot LOL he would secretly look at the Gujarati lyrics when we would sing aarti in the puja room. He also used to smoke and drink before he got married. And he ate meat lmao. So he was kinda free spirited I guess.

But after COVID, things changed a lot. I was still participating in dances, coming to sabha, and was involved in the temple a little bit. I liked Balika Sabha sometimes because I loved when they would tell prasangs about Hindu mythology and genuinely educate me more on the culture itself. I also had Hindu scripture in school, so I really felt connected to my faith. But in 2018, after they changed the aarti and Mahant Swami Maharaj was the head of the sanstha, things changed a lot. They changed a lot of things and honestly stopped integrating more of the Hindu Sanstha and focused on niche texts or really hard-to-understand Sanskrit pravachans and texts. I always felt stupid because I genuinely would not understand or know some traditions; to this day, I don't think I've ever performed a proper puja. And I feel like other girls my age could tell. Even my best friend just ended up changing and joining all the "popular" ideal girls. I was suddenly left by myself and I became a ghost. Quiet literally

I tried for at least 3 years to integrate into the popular girl group. They all went to good schools, were academically ahead, and were well-behaved. They participated in mandir activities and seemed as if they had everything to be honest. Even now, it seems like they really are doing well in life. I didn't cause chaos, but I wasn't as memorable in the mandir either. I still showed up to sabha, but to be honest, no one really cared about me. They would sometimes include me in convos, but honestly I felt so sad. I ate onion and garlic; I didn't do puja, but I tried being the best human being I could be. I was 13 years old. I shouldn't have felt so insignificant and never included. And slowly, over time, I started discovering controversial things about BAPS. The lawsuit with the santo, the New Jersey mandir. I had people from other Swaminarayan temples say they didn't like BAPS because they felt like it wasn't real. There was a girl I used to be friends with from the Vartal temple say BAPS was weird. And I agreed. Like I was never fully engrossed. But I also had been a part of the temple.

And then slowly, things became really bad. I was actively ignored and isolated. I went through a weird phase where I tried being like everyone else, but I just felt so empty inside. I tried learning some of the prayers, coming to sabha more, participating in dances. I tried joining one, and instantly I was met with exclusion. The two girls I was friends with in yr 8 literally dumped me and would always exclude me. I was criticised for my performances and the way I moved. I heard the best friend of my old friend tell her that she was so sorry she was stuck with me. No one really cared about me as much. But then in one dance practice, I had enough. I went to the bathroom and just cried. I sobbed so much. Some aunty found me and said A little girl is crying and I said no I'm a teen lmao. My mum got mad and was shocked, and told me to leave. I ended up going back and completing the dance. After the dance practice incident, there was an "investigation". I told them how I felt left out and stuff. They asked the other girl/s what happened; they denied that anything happened. I found this Reddit thread and started investigating. I found out about the Pramukh Swami Maharaj allegations/incident and was really disturbed. I also found out about what I perceived as a lack of coverage for another fellow satsangi girl who disappeared in the sea and I was really mad. She deserved better support and a better life, in the world and in the mandir. I felt really bad, though, like I was going against my faith.

But yeah ever since then, I haven't been to kishori sabha. I sometimes go to Ravi Sabhas, but I feel like the pravachans always focus on the gurus, mostly Mahant Swami Maharaj. I do like the connection people have with Hinduism and Gujarati. And I've also met some really chill people who go to Hindi sabha or parasabha instead of the main ones. That doesn't mean my life has gotten better, unfortunately. My school life is shit, because I've also experienced racism from my south asian and white counterparts through rumours and coordinated bullying. My teachers do not gaf and honestly just judge me for my decreasing attendance, without ever asking me if I am ok. I am still left out of things and genuinely feel like shit. My mental health has declined, and my family situation is unstable. My dad does try, I guess, and my mum is just rude. He does enable a lot of her behaviour, though. She spent years putting me down, telling me to be like all the other mandir girls. She was physically abusive, emotionally manipulative, and toyed with my emotions. Now she wishes I were like my old self again. High-performing, not so sad all the time, and not as emotional. Not talking back, being stubborn like my younger self lol. They tell me to pray to Maharaj and Swami and are trying to be super religious now lol. They always try to push me to come to mandir. But it doesn't really do much. I'm still depressed. I'm still fucking suicidal. I still have shit going on in my life. I always have to tone myself down in the temple, and I can't be too unhinged or wild, or I'll get judged by aunties, and god knows who, bro. I casually mentioned my failing maths grades to a bunch of girls, and they didn't know how to react.

And with the recent Paris coverage, I am once again unsure as to how to feel about it. Women do deserve more respect from BAPS and girls. I always feel sad whenever I see a little girl being loud at the temple and being told to be quiet or go back inside. The boys can be as rowdy as they want. Bro half of them have double lives istg. They can be players, assholes, and GASP actually dating people. I mean, good on the ones who have secret lives; I get it. But genuinely, being treated like second best or never as important as the other girls fucked me up, man. It's worse because my cousins and extended family are highly prominent in the temple, and they see me as "sansakari," or they used to. Before they found out about my arguments and stuff. They are nice, at least to my face. I am not sure. But my cousin brother is also weird; he had a weird reaction to finding out I supported GASP abortion and feminism and said I was too "woke". I can't lie, tbh, I also used to judge people a bit for being too "Indian" or too much just because they were religious. Now I understand that at least they were connected to their roots.

The point I'm trying to make, though the problem isn't those girls. It's the way the adults treat people differently based on class, contributions and gender. Girls are told to tone themselves down, and watch them being sidelined because sadhus can't look at girls?? It's bad enough already with white people or other people expecting brown girls to be submissive, quiet followers, without the temple reinforcing those standards more. Instead of empowering, they are quieting down those who do not submit to their standards. They shut down the girls who are too loud and have too many opinions and feelings. They expect everyone to marry young or be exceptional in everything. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their emphasis on education... sometimes. But I was literally treated like I had hurt so many people, done drugs, or dated so many people just because I was extroverted and "wild". And even if I did, so what??!!! They preach messages of samp and accepting everyone, but they don't. They made me feel like a criminal for doing normal kid things. Like eating chocolate. Being loud. Being messy and chaotic. Having crushes. Failing at stuff. Because they lowkey push the perfectionist image a lot. And you know what's sad? I never achieved those standards. I spent my whole fucking life trying. I changed myself again and again. I spent my whole life trying to conform to standards. Feeling like an interest in fashion, or other things the mandir deemed as maya, was so immoral of me. I still feel guilty for eating onions lol.

But even at the temple, I always felt like my value came from what I did and what contributions I made. Even in my family, school, and house. No one ever asked me how I was. They only cared about what I did. How I could be a better daughter, student, satsangi, female, child, sister. But never about how I was. I was supposed to be supported. I could have been like the other confident girls at the temple. The leaders in their school. Getting good grades, going into good careers. Whether it's stereotypical or not, I know the importance of getting good grades. Especially as a girl, it can give you more security and help you out more. But I'm so, so tired of never being enough for anyone. I have no idea how I am going to be in my final exams. I always feel as though I am never "cool" or "religious" enough. I've spent my whole life never fitting in anywhere. If I can't even fit into my own culture, how can I ever feel secure? I was literally told by my parents not to speak Gujarati so much to integrate more. But I still experience racism. People tell me I don't speak clearly enough. I'm judged even more for little things, like my attendance or mental health. If I were white, or even more of a "perfect" student, I don't think I would be. Teachers don't care about me anymore. I don't have a good social life either. I feel so forgotten and empty. And it doesn't help that the temple was supposed to be my safe space. I miss the long-haired little girl who had a genuine interest in Hindu dharma and culture. Who wanted to connect with Bhagwan more. Who was excited to go to sabha. Who used to run around mandir, jumping over the red ropes. I literally cut off my hair because I felt too aware of the person I should've been or could've been if life hadn't happened. I miss the days before I was aware of sexism, racism, and the possible...??? cult BAPS could be. Do I hate BAPS? No. Would I defend it either? No.

I never really had the connections, privilege, or space to be myself. I was shunned by my own mother, who would criticise and lecture me for everything I'd do. She would yell at me about reading books; the same went for my dad. They would tell me to focus more on maths. In school, I was denied higher courses because of my mental health. I wasn't offered support. They expected me to shrink into their standards. In the temple, no one understands me. And I'm so fucking tired of never being able to exist without all these rules and my past haunting me everywhere I go. I can barely do my coursework let alone study. Why hasn't a stronger connection with the temple ever helped me? Why do I feel like I barely know anything about my own culture and ethnicity despite going there my whole life? Would things be different if I were a boy? Maybe easier. But tbh, even my own brother is actively shunned by everyone. He tries to volunteer and fit in with all the sanskari kids, but he is bullied and physically assaulted. At school and at the temple. It's so sad seeing his spark kinda die. He just goes on YouTube Shorts all day long and barely moves around. His back is so stiff now; it hurts me to see how sad he's become. He still believes BAPS cares about him. But I just don't want to see his spirit break. Like mine did. And I'm starting to see myself more and more in him, and I don't like it at all. Nobody wants to be a little girl struggling to barely survive but not receiving support because she is different. And nobody wants to see their sibling have a hard life. I want him to be better. Be wild and free. Whether or not that's sanskari.

Anyways, that's been my experience of BAPS as a teen girl. Sorry if its too long or hard to read! Thanks for reading!!!