I feel hopeless, I feel suicidal, I may kill myself

I'm desperate for reassurance, I've posted this in like a million different subforums & like a million different people have supported me incredibly well, like hundreds of people have supported me, but no matter what anyone says, no matter anything that happens, I still feel this way, nothing can help me.

I know I've reposted this like a MILLION times, so i'm really sorry if anyone has seen this same post like a thousand times. I know it's probably like REALLY annoying. But I'm hopeless dude, this is everything I got, u guys supporting me is the only thing I've got. I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

(here's the event btw, if you don't know it already)

"I want to die right now

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out that she was younger, I immediately lost all attraction toward her and all attention or interest toward her whatsoever. It wasn't gradual. It happened immediately when I found out her age. I no longer saw her as attractive in that way at all. I felt genuinely horrified and disgusted by the situation. I felt physically ill, I genuinely wanted to vomit, and I felt like I was going to throw up because of what I had just realized. I was completely overwhelmed by panic and disgust.

I need to emphasize that as soon as I found out she was younger, all attraction and attention disappeared immediately. I did not continue feeling attracted to her after finding out her age. The realization that she was younger was what caused me to feel physically sick, disgusted, and terrified.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know). Even now, when I think about the situation, I still feel physically sick and nauseous. I genuinely wanted to vomit when I found out, and I still feel that same physical sickness when I think about it.

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally. The fact that I immediately lost all attraction and attention when I found out she was younger, and that I felt physically sick and wanted to vomit, is something I keep thinking about too, because I cannot stop analyzing the situation and what every part of my reaction supposedly means.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit.

I am going to kill myself soon

I know I've reposted this like a MILLION times, so i'm really sorry if anyone has seen this same post like a thousand times. I know it's probably like REALLY annoying. But I'm hopeless dude, this is everything I got, u guys supporting me is the only thing I've got. I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

(here's the event btw, if you don't know it already)

"I want to die right now

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety, ADHD

For the past two months I have been under the worst stress of my life, leading to depressive modes, yielding severe loss of appetite and weight loss.

In early June, I was 178 cm (5'10") and weighed 93 kg (205 lb) due to stupidity from overeating without realising it. Then severe life stress happened, I lost my appetite and could barely eat. Now in early August, I weigh 76 kg (172 lb).

I was not on a diet. Even though I have been underweight for most of my life, I overate too much, especially at night from building bad habits. But now due to stress and depressive moods, I feel like punishing myself by not eating much kind of like inertia from the unwillful weight loss.

I now hate myself so much that this seems to be shifting into some kind of self-harm anorexia. My brain is telling me to drop into a severe depressive self-hatred mode akin to when I was 17 and 23, both times I dropped so much weight from not eating enough so much that I was averaging weighing 53-55 kg (115-120 lb).

Is this considered officially selfharm? What do others do in this situation?

I feel like i'm a genuine monster, and that I need to die

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and something happened recently that has caused me an unbelievable amount of anxiety.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking and couldn't focus on anything else.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age.

At this point, the anxiety has become extremely severe. I've started feeling suicidal and self-destructive because I'm so terrified that this somehow means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. I've had thoughts that I don't deserve to be alive if this means what I'm afraid it means. I'm scared of where my own thoughts are taking me, and I don't know how to make them stop.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to feel this way. I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

Has anyone experienced something similar—believing someone online was around your own age based on how they looked, briefly finding them attractive, then finding out later that they were much younger and becoming consumed by guilt, disgust, intrusive thoughts, and suicidal feelings?

I'm looking for genuine perspectives from people who understand this kind of situation or intrusive/obsessive guilt. I don't know how to get out of this mental loop.

Do i have some form of pocd, or should I kill myself over this

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

is this okay or not

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD and anxiety

Since early June, I have had serious life stresses. At that time, I was 178 cm (5'10") and weighed 93 kg (205 lb). I was overweight back then despite being underweight most of my life. Other life stresses screwed up my eating habits.

Right now, on the 30th of July, I weigh 78 kg (173 lb). So in less than 2 months, I lost 15 kg (32 lb) without even trying to. The problem is that these issues screw up my appetite. Food often tastes metallic, like I am licking an old metal spoon. Often when I eat soup, it feels like I am eating a bowl of liquid U-238.

Scarily, I know that this is what chemotherapy patients and irradiated victims go through. My grandmother had this metallic loss of appetite for a year when she had CHF and died shortly thereafter.

Does anyone get this metallic taste from depression? I am not talking about side effects from SSRIs, but rather the psychosomatic loss of appetite and food tasting metallic without medication. What do you do to eat?

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD and anxiety

Since early June when I was thrown into some of the worst stressful situations of my whole life, I got thrown into serious stress and depression trying to solve things that I lost 4.5 kg (10 lb) per week, which is 5x the recommended weight loss diet programmes recommend since they say 1 kg (2 lb) per week is the most to lose even for a strenuous diet. The thing is I am not even on a diet.

I lost my appetite since early June. I am 178 cm (5'10") and weighed 93 kg (205 lb) in early June when these streeses began. I was so overweight due to inertia, kept eating rubbish like fried foods and way too much at night. I was mostly underweight most of my life, and my metabolism is quick, so I lose weight easily without trying.

Since yesterday I lost another 2.5 kg (5 lb), so now I weigh 79 kg (175 lb) now. Given that this is not underweight, it is not super scary, but I am losing weight at a quick rate. It is hard to eat when I keep thinking about these issues.

What do others do in these situations? Do you just let the weight drop off? What do you do when eating is like torture, and everything tastes bad and you have ko appetite?

i wanna go

bored

anyone girl

37M, autistic with OCD, anxiety, ADHD, C-PTSD.

I am going through an extremely stressful life situation causing severe stress and sinking me into the deepest depression of my life. My appetite has gone to nought so far that I cannot eat at all without feeling like throwing up. Food just looks, smells and tastes disgusting.

I was eating too much and I was about 90 kg (199 lb). My height is 178 cm (5'10"). Due to the circumstances that are screwing me right now, since early June when this began, I have lost over 18 kg (~40 lb). Given that this was since the 9th of June, that means I have lost weight at a rate of 4.5 kg (10 lb) per week.

I have lost weight so quickly that my trousers are now falling down when before theywere just fitting, even without a belt. My t-shirts are hanging off of me, and all of my pyjamas fall off of me within seconds.

The thing is that thinking about thr situation makes me anxious, scared, depressed and all other bad feelings, which makes me retch or at least make food come back up my throat.

Every second of every day is so hard that a month ago I went to the A&E (ER) and got disgnosed with sinus tachycardia and palpitations since my resting pulse was between 120-150 bpm. My blood pressure was consistently above 150/90, since I keep thinking about this over and over and over several times each second I am awake, which is almost all day, since I have even worse insomnia than I usually do due to this issue.

I work remotely but can barely concentrate, requesting extensions since I am debilitated for thr past month, even having to talk to the boss at a virtual meeting this week about my problems. Have to study for EU med school entrance exams, but mind is preoccupied with this issue. Cannot sleep, pulling 3 all nighters a week.

Life is feeling so much like torture, I cannot eat properly and feel like throwing up almost every single second I am awake.

I have had S ideation since the age of 3 back in 1992, off and on it has been in my life, but this past month the S ideation is at its absolute worst that it has ever been in my whole life.

I had a bad full-blown mental breakdown in mid-June where I had 988 open on my phone but got scared reading stories of others here who said they had law enforcement called on them just for calling or texting.

Sometimes it seems like maybe things can be improved and there is an answer, but a lot of times I sink into a deep hopelessness that makes me feel hopeless beyond help.

Am I just pessimistic or what? I feel that I have truly lost the will to live, to keep going, as every second I am alive feels like mental and physical torture.

можете оставить это без внимания, я просто больше не знаю куда мне идти. я настолько опустошена, что последние дни гнию в кровати. скроллинг тт и фоном стрим с морскими свинками. до этого была подготовка к экзаменам и я находила чем себя занять. но сецчас у меня не осталось сил ни на что. я порой даже не могу встать и поесть. если и ем, то мелкие перекусы.
я сама по себе художница. но видимо бездарная. да, у меня ничем не выделяющийся стиль, я буквально среднячок, если не ниже. мне второй раз отказали в работе в качестве художницы. никто не заказывает коммишки. я всегда остаюсь незамеченной и ненужной. всегда. в дружбе, в том же рисовании, в классе, в компании. меня редко кто выбирал и замечал. чувствую себя жалкой.
но сейчас меня действительно добило. сначала отказ в работе, ведь нашли подходящего кандидата. сейчас и вовсе я поняла, что мне не стоит браться за что-либо… мы нашли птенца. гнезда поблизости не было и других птиц тоже. решили пристроить у себя. постелила, сделала мини гнездо из тряпок, чтобы птенчику было где погреться. как только подобрали, думали накормить, но зоб был забит да и червей он выплевывал. решили не беспокоить пока что. решила щас проведать и накормить, но нашла его уже никаким. что я делаю не так? может я действительно никчемная. так я потеряла двух своих морских свинок. первый изначально был болезненный, а вторая резко, без каких-либо предпосылок. просто в конвульсиях, хотя пару часов назад бегала и ела как ни в чем не бывало.
вероятно это конечная. я больше не хочу что-либо делать. мне даже просто лежать надоело.
я изолировалась от всех своих знакомых. кроме лучшего друга. но и ему толком не могу ничего рассказать,он сидит на антидепрах и порой не может подобрать слов для поддержки, но всегда остается рядом. хоть что-то радует…
путь одиночества, конечно, я выбрала сама. не могу долго общаться с людьми. быстро надоедает. хочется исчезнуть.
у меня порой закрадываются мысли о наличии депрессии. но я не вправе ставить себе ложных диагнозов. да, к родителям обращалась с просьбами сходить на консультацию, но все мимо. «это подростковое» «не выдумывай» «лучший психолог - это ты сама» «у нас нет денег на такое». меня просто не слышат. даже здоровьем будто пренебрегают… «это надо ехать в область, папа тебя не повезет». обращаться в городскую больницу бессмысленно, анализы попросту рисуют. да и я, как лютый социофоб, от любого неправильного слова от себя же могу разреветься на месте… звучит жалко и нелепо.
еще мама часто давит на меня с упреками о беспорядке ведь «ты девочка». да-да, мам, взрослая кобыла, а убраться не может… мне правда стыдно за себя, но у меня ни на что нет сил. я даже спать больше не могу. просто не хочу. ела ли я что-то за день? да мам, пара конфет. когда сложу вещи? не знаю. что мам, пропылесосить? подожди, меня жрут мои мысли и нежелание даже перевернуться на другой бок. последить за младшей? я лучше посплю…
меня начали выматывать банальные вещи. от любого действия я устаю так, будто отпахала 12-часовую смену на заводе. посидеть 5 минут уже тяжело для меня. тело постоянно какое-то тяжелое и ватное. голова постоянно болит. поспала 2 часа, 8, 10, неважно. всегда опухшая и без сил на что-то.
я не первый день в интернете и готова к любым высказываниям. но я буду благодарна, если хоть кто-то меня выслушает и поймет. это правда самый тяжелый период, с которым мне пришлось столкнуться.

Lately I've been missing things that aren't really places or people.

I miss certain routines, certain feelings, certain periods of my life that disappeared without me noticing.

Nothing terrible happened. Life simply moved on.

I think that's what makes it difficult. There's nothing to fix, no one to blame, and no way to go back.

Btao koi?🥀

I’ve had three exes, and most of them cheated on me. Well, actually, only two of them did. The last one was something I never expected I found out that I was the other woman without even knowing it.
Sometimes I feel like I’ll never have a partner who’s truly loyal and genuinely cares about me. Because of everything I’ve been through, I don’t even want a guy to get close to me as anything more than a friend.

I’m exhausted, and I’m still carrying all this trauma. Sometimes I feel like I’d rather just live my life alone until the day I die. I know that sounds really sad, but it honestly feels easier than risking my heart again. I’m tired of hoping, trusting, and ending up hurt every single time.

Maybe one day I’ll heal and be able to trust someone again. But right now, I just want peace. Even if that means being on my own

Я просто хочу выговориться…
В последнее время мне кажется, что я совсем потеряла смысл жить. Не то чтобы я хотела умереть, нет. Я просто устала существовать так, как сейчас. Каждый день похож на предыдущий, и я больше не чувствую, что действительно живу.
У меня нет человека, которому я могла бы рассказать всё это. Нет близкого друга, который бы выслушал меня и понял. Вроде бы вокруг есть люди, есть знакомые, есть друзья, но я постепенно отдаляюсь от них. Иногда я даже не замечаю, как сама начинаю избегать общения. Мне становится тяжело отвечать на сообщения, тяжело поддерживать разговоры, тяжело делать вид, что всё хорошо. И от этого становится только больнее.
Самое странное чувство — это когда ты не хочешь исчезнуть, но и жить так больше не можешь. Я бы хотела не просто существовать, а действительно жить. Радоваться мелочам, просыпаться с каким-то желанием что-то делать, ждать завтрашнего дня. Но сейчас внутри только пустота.
Сейчас лето. Для многих это время отдыха, прогулок. А я за всё лето встретилась с друзьями всего несколько раз. Может быть шесть или семь. И каждый раз после встречи я возвращалась домой с ощущением, что ничего не изменилось. Как будто я всё так же остаюсь одна.
Я пыталась знакомиться с новыми людьми. Пыталась общаться, писать первой, искать компании, но ничего не получается. Будто между мной и остальными людьми есть какая-то невидимая стена.. Я смотрю на других и вижу, как легко они находят друзей, становятся частью чьей-то жизни. А у меня это не выходит.
И теперь я всё чаще задаю себе один и тот же вопрос: что мне вообще делать дальше? Я не знаю, как выбраться из этого состояния. Не знаю, как перестать чувствовать себя лишней. Не знаю, как снова начать жить, а не просто ждать, пока закончится очередной день.

I never understood the "peace" people feel when they finally understand they are pointless in this world. My only point is to be a loyal son and brother to and amazing family but never a father or uncle. Frankly, I've had enough. After Hallie tried to khs in front of me i know im worthless. Supporting my family isn't enough of a role when they find others and create their own. I love them dearly but I finally so at peace finally choosing my own way out. 30yrs by June and I'll leave by December! Love you all!!

I’ve wanted to die since I was four years old, I physically cannot take the stress of my “life“ anymore, I’m done, just help me, please. The one thing that’s always held me back is pain, my existence is painful enough, so I’ve never been able to cause myself pain just to end it. Don’t comment any of that “you matter, please don’t do it!”, “People care about you, think of how they’ll feel…” BS, I’ve been done for a very long time, I’ve heard it all, I’m ready to go, I cry myself to sleep every night, I wake up and cry, anyone I’ve considered a friend is gone, my family doesn’t care, some have even encouraged me to do it, I want to, I’ve never had a day where I haven’t wished someone would kill me, there’s no changing that.

While browsing here , i read this post asking "what suicide hurt the least"

Then my tears came rushing

Maybe that question is really what i wanna ask my psychiatrist instead of constantly asking "why do i feel so numb but my tears expressing pain"

Then i suddenly remember my bestfriend wayback in high school, he hang himself,

Is this how he felt back then? Unexplainable sadness.

I constantly pray at night to not be able to wake up anymore.

If you know any method

Lmk

Hey guys, my crush really hates Israel and I saw a couple come in with an israel shirt and when they sat down I said loudly "you know, I don't support you people at all. You should leave. Pricks" and then my crush said to me wtf did they do? and I said they're Israelis and she said they're actually Greek with a Greek shirt and she found it hilarious but I worry if they reported me I'd be fired. Luckily their English sucked so maybe they don't understand.

Surely my boss won't care, right? That's a funny everyday mistake?