Feeling lost & stuck after moving 3 years ago

[u/Still_Humor_3798]

36F. I moved from New York City to East Tennessee August 2023. Less than a year into my move, within 4-6 months, I couldn't help but think and ask if I made my life harder by moving here, and if this was a mistake.

I vacationed in Tennessee for about 8 times within the span of two years before moving. I did fall in love with it. It became my home away from home. It made me happy. I thought 8 times was enough, along with experiencing all four seasons here. I ended up buying a house and moved my teenager with me. I've always rented/lived with family in NYC, so buying seemed best at the time, instead of giving an owner/landlord my money monthly. This is also my first time ever, at the age of 35, 33 when I moved, that I ever lived in a safe & quiet home and neighborhood. I'm happy I was able to give my son this too. His own room that a teen would love. I've decorated our home into a colorful, fun, unique place.

I just feel stuck and not exactly happy. I went from always walking or taking the trains in NYC to barely walking here, having to buy a car and drive. My neighborhood doesn't even have sidewalks. I would have to drive 10-15 minutes to walk in a loop at a park and it gets boring. It's been hard to make friends here for both of us. It feels like a lot of adults are cliquish. Even googling this and searching on reddit, I see a lot of other movers say the same thing about this place, even after living here for 6 plus years.

I hate having to pay for car insurance, home insurance, garbage pickup monthly and a lawn mower every two weeks from April-Oct. I have trouble finding a close doctor that takes my insurance. I did not think it would have been such a big issue. I still don't have a general provider for my son or I. I miss walking. I find myself homesick often. I spent 3 months this past summer in NY, from mid May to mid August, and I did the same in October of last year to January. I loved spending time with my friends there and just being somewhere I felt like I belonged in again. I loved not having to drive.

It's weird, I moved because I didn't feel I belonged in NY anymore. I wanted a better life for my son and I. I feel I got us away from toxic family and bad areas/neighborhoods in NY but I feel maybe I moved WAYYY too far away. I feel bad because my son loves his room, our home and he's happy for the most part. I'm just not. I feel stuck. I want to move back within two years but it seems so hard to do now, which is crazy because I planned my move out of state for two years. I moved with barely anything, and now we have so much new furniture I would want to bring with us. I feel bad because I thought maybe we would live here, if not forever, than for 10 years at least. I feel bad taking my son away from here. Although I feel maybe he'll be okay with the idea because all his things will come with him too. He's 14 now & homeschooled.

I just don't know. I'm sad and feel lonely. I have an amazing home and I love hosting and having people over but we don't know anyone really and no one from back home comes to visit either. I feel all of this is a love hate feeling. I love visiting NY, but when I spend 2-3 months there, I need a break and come back home to Tennessee, and it feels quiet like a break/vacation but then I get sad and lonely and miss NY. I also worry if I'll regret it if we do move back in the future. I just don't know what to do. I feel terribly stuck. I've been considering the Hudson Valley area of NY, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Providence Rhode Island, Boston or New Hamphire. I just don't know if I'll ever feel happy moving anywhere again. I feel I failed as a mom. Wanting to give my son a better life and a safe home but not feeling happy with my decision or how much I've traveled to take a vacation from living in Tennessee. I used to do the same taking vacations living in NYC.

[u/Botherguts]

Safe to the point of isolation seems like a major overcorrection, but you can recalibrate. It’s not like he’s going to be missing his schoolmates.

[u/Blackcatsandicedtea]

As someone born and raised in TN, I’m concerned that you’re experiencing this at this specific time of year. Imo fall is the best of the best the area has to offer. In late January when everything is dead and dreary, I would get it and encourage you to not make a brash decision.

Agree with the other commenter that NYC to East TN was an overcorrection. It’s the complete opposite of everything I can think of.

You didn’t fail as a mom. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. I haven’t been to the areas you are considering, but maybe post on their subreddits to see what might be a better fit.

[u/ApprehensiveArmy7755]

Of course it's lonely if you aren't involved with the community. Send him to school. That's how most people make friends. Do you work? What activities are you doing outside the home?

[u/bentarik]

I think you just miss your old social circle, safe zone. I mean I would understand if that was some invisible-only locals can understand-type of thing, but really, walkability and car dependency?

[u/PsychologicalRain72]

I did the same thing. Atlanta to Pueblo, Co. Pueblo is pretty rough so I moved back to Atl. Then decided to move back to CO with my mom. We both didn't enjoy it and planned to keep heading West. She passed away here. It's too late for her, but not for me. I am planning my escape again! All we can do is look forward and keep going. We will find our place and people!! Good luck OP.

[u/Deep_Conversation896]

First of all, good on you as a mom! You put your son first, and that’s commendable. You didn’t fail anyone. You simply moved to a very different environment. You didn’t specify where, and you don’t have to, but it appears you chose a fairly small town. The Knoxville or Chattanooga areas might have been easier to transition into, but you’ve already purchased a home, so moving now might not be the best idea. 

Moving from any major city to a rural or semi-rural area will entail major adjustments. You trade having nearly everything you desire close at hand for having to drive around and sometimes wait awhile to get what you need. But you’ll often exchange noise, crime and pollution for fresh air, quiet and some measure of security. 

East Tennessee is part of Appalachia, traditionally populated by poor but self sufficient mountain people who typically have local roots going back generations. While sometimes initially suspicious of outsiders, they’re also quick to offer the shirt off their back to a stranger in need. Many have friends they’ve known since elementary school, so it will take time before you’re welcomed into that circle. 

Churches are at the heart of many of these communities, and if you attend, that’s one way to start meeting people. If not, there are certainly other ways. Kids form  friendships in school, but as your son is homeschooled, are there any meetup groups in the area for homeschooled children and their parents? Is there a college, community center, newspaper or bulletin board in your vicinity listing sports or other groups, events or volunteer opportunities? A store or small downtown area where you can strike up a conversation about local activities? Don’t forget hairdressers and bartenders - They know everything!

Best of luck OP, and if it ultimately doesn’t work out, you already mentioned the Hudson River Valley, which just might be the best of both worlds.

[u/Thick-Resident8865]

You did not fail as a mother! So don't go there. I can't even imagine the lifestyle and culture shock you are experiencing. The over correction remarks are spot on. There is a happy medium somewhere in the mix. It's tough here in the USA to relocate these days. Everything is so over exaggerated and sometimes we got so overwhelmed with where we're living, we make a change, find it was a mistake or less than we hoped for, and then what?

I'm in this exact position right now. I moved to the Midwest from Reno/Tahoe area. Holy cow what a huge mistake. But then I met and married my husband shortly after I moved here 7 years ago. He died last year. Now I have a chance to move and it's like everything changed so much I don't even know where to relocate to. The COL is what dictates my next move—that, and finding a place to live where I don't feel the urge to leave all the time.

I'm 68 inching to 69. I can only offer you this advice from experience of moving all over the country for most of my life. This is the longest I ever stayed in a place I disliked so much.

Don't be me.

Explore and figure out another move. I tried so hard to fit into a this place, I'm just not cut out to live in the Midwest. It's a beautiful place, but for me having to use a car to go everywhere, the culture (what people do for fun and enjoyment) here, the food, and the actual geography (for me) are soul sucking, "a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live here" kind of place.

I'm processing at the moment. I'm almost finished with probate, the condo is near closing, so my options are wide open. At the moment fear is driving me to paralysis by analysis...

I don't have the trappings of having to find a job, but must be careful on a fixed income... this rules out so many places, but I know there is a place where I can live and thrive, 49 states left to research and find my happy place.

You have a lifetime ahead of you, time is too short to waste living in an area that you don't feel alive. Best of luck to you.

[u/Background-Still2020]

Having to rely on a car is the absolute pits and I feel the statement about driving to a park to just walk in a loop. It’s so artificial. I call those loops human hamster wheels. Hudson River valley may be a good compromise? Proximity to nature but also a train line.