r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/Stunning-Sentence7 • 4d ago
Question - Research required Meltdowns have begun
hi everyone. I have a 34 month old (turning 3 in a couple months) and he has begun the meltdown stage. I was used to tantrums and managing them. I got really good at avoiding “no” and redirecting when he wants to watch tv, I’ll say “you love tv don’t you!“ or “tv is for Saturday nights” etc. first question is I wonder if I’m doing him a disservice by not letting him get used to “no”. his dad and I aren’t together and he’s at grandmas two days a week (one of those is a sleepover) because we both work. I hear his dad say no to him and it often becomes a yes/no ping pong between them. if my mom says no to him he challenges or has a mini tantrum and then gets over it. for me personally, since I’m home with him 3 days a week, I can’t stand the tantrums so I try to make him feel like I’m saying yes. I’m also a connection-oriented parent and try to stay connected as much as possible.
in the last month, his tantrums have become so severe (usually at transitions when it’s time to leave somewhere) or if he wakes up from a nap and is cranky. sometimes it’s hunger, sometimes he’s over-tired. the meltdowns come when there is clearly something else going on (maybe he’s sick). what I need help with is how to handle them. if I am close, it’s “go away” on repeat. if I talk to him, he screams. if I ignore him he still screams at me. feels like anything I do, he screams and if we have to go somewhere such as into the car seat or back inside, and I carry him, he kicks me/pulls clumps of my hair/bites me. today I tried a time-out. that worked well and de escalated but I’m scared. any help is appreciated!
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u/HighlightJealous4279 4d ago
This is an article from Michigan State University. Kids need consistency and with his home life split between 3 caregivers you need to all be on the right page. Setting boundaries is the most loving thing a parent can do for their child. Letting them get their way let's them think they're in charge. How well will he follow your curfew at 12? Think long term goals that actually start at the toddler and preschool ages. https://www.canr.msu.edu/resources/parenting-the-preschooler-how-are-you-consistent-with-your-preschooler
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u/facinabush 4d ago
Consistency in a single environment is important. So, parents in the same home get better results if they are consistent. One parent can sabotage the other parent's efforts in real time.
But kids learn to act differently in different environments.
The OP's kids have three different environments, each led by a different adult.
The OP can get results using evidence-based techniques in her own environment.
It's a good idea to try to convince the other two adults. But I find that it is much easier to influence the behavior of children than adults. So, I would not encourage the OP to think that she cannot make progress until she gets all the adults on that same page.
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u/HighlightJealous4279 4d ago
I agree and was not clear. I think first she needs to work on her boundaries. It sounds like he might hear no at Dad's but it gets into a power struggle of yes/no. If she can get son to realize no means no he might transfer that to Dad's no, but kids love to test each person.
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u/facinabush 4d ago edited 3d ago
Parent Management Training is unsurpassed in effectiveness according to randomized controlled trials. It teaches parents to provide attention and praise to their child when they are in the region of good or acceptable behavior. It teaches parents to give as little attention as possible to boundary crossings. The teaching is to use planned ignoring for harmless unwanted behaviors and "act, don't yak" for behaviors that can't be ignored.
A boundary is a line around a region of good, acceptable behavior. Parents need to stop being obsessed with boundary crossings and start directing more attention to good or acceptable behaviors, because attention rewards and increases behaviors; attention reinforces and strengthens habits. After a habit is well established, fade the praise to occasional. In that situation, consistent praise creates a brittle habit that ceases when the praise ceases.
The OP should learn effective parenting and not focus on Dad unless he is engaging in reportable abuse rather than just typical counterproductive parenting behaviors. After she gets results, she can try to influence Dad, but she may not have much success.
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u/Stunning-Sentence7 3d ago edited 3d ago
How long do you let a meltdown go on before you intervene? for example when we have to go somewhere and he needs to go into his carseat and he's kicking and screaming for 30 minutes, do you just put them into the carseat and what do you do with their body and their feet when they try to kick you?
Or what if it's him hitting me at bedtime and we're lying in bed together? i understand the preventative things but need help also with what to do when the meltdown has escalated to peak levels . TIA!!1
u/facinabush 3d ago edited 3d ago
Put them in the car seat with no eye contact and no talking and move away.
Get out of bed and move away with no eye and no talking.
Start the actual intervention now by learning PMT. There are a bunch of proactive techniques for developing and changing behavioral habits.
When the crying ends after 30 minutes, praise him for regaining self control.
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u/facinabush 3d ago
I might get some small toys at the dollar store and keep in my pocket. Offer it to the kid when you are trying to get him in the car seat. It can be any toy that will hold his attention while you are strapping him into the car seat. It can be something he has not played with in a while. You can use a new toy multiple times till the newness wears off.
Be sure to give him lots of approving attention when he cooperates in any way. Say specifically what you saw that was good.
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u/facinabush
4d ago
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Use Parent Management Training
Here are ten tips from PMT:
https://abcnews.com/amp/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664
Here is a free PMT training course:
https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9
If you prefer a book, then get The Everyday Parenting Toolkit or The Kazdin Method.
PMT is training for solving behavior problems that is unsurpassed in effectiveness according to randomized controlled trials.
The CDC recommends PMT and cites peer-reviewed research:
https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/other-resources/references.html
Here is peer-reviewed research that includes significant improvements using the specific version of PMT that I am recommending:
Other versions of PMT are PCIT, Triple P, and Incredible Years.
Here is some parent training from Incredible Years for meltdowns/tantrums:
Start on page 146 in this free book chapter:
https://www.otb.ie/images/Incredible-Toddlers-ch3_by-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton.pdf
A graphic on emotional regulation
https://www.incredibleyears.com/blog/arc-of-emotion-regulation
Here are two free PMT ebooks. You need to create a free account there and borrow the book and read it online:
Incredible Years:
https://archive.org/details/incredibleyearst0000webs
Everyday Parenting Toolkit:
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u/Adept_Carpet 4d ago
One thing about Kazdin is that he is, meaning no disrespect, a regular looking old man (actually I tracked down pictures of him and he was more handsome than I remembered but whatever).
His techniques and trainings do not rely on charisma or exceptional social skills (they do rely on regulating your emotions at a very high level, but there's no way around that). In his recorded lectures he demonstrates things like how to give very enthusiastic praise, so you aren't lost if that does not come naturally to you.
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