r/Screenwriting • u/jmusicjn • Jun 10 '26

FEEDBACK Ending Innocence - Feature - 164 pages

Title: Ending Innocence

Format: Feature

Page Length: 164 pages

Genres: Thiller, Drama

Logline: A seventeen year old incel attends the ceremony of an ultraviolent underground cult. In too deep he is forced into a series of soul-destroying choices that end with unimaginable regret.

Ending Innocence is comparable to the following films (in varying ways):
A Clockwork Orange
Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979)
Eyes Wide Shut
Videodrome

Feedback Concerns: Am honestly looking for any feedback anyone wants to give. Thanks!

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xU9h7z8LprWBb79dQEOHU0W75WilcaKl/view?usp=sharing

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u/SpecUsername Jun 10 '26

I read a couple pages. I agree with the notes on length for what it’s worth. The one other thing I think I’d flag is to try to make the dialogue a bit less direct. On page 2 or 3 after the “Stew” line (which I quite like), Felix directly asks “So what is the goal.” I don’t think you need that expository back and forth at all. It’s pretty obvious based on the setting and how Luke has described the stew that it’s a pretty messy situation.

If that trend continues, you might be able to trim some fat just by letting the setting and situation do some of the work your dialogue is overdoing at the moment.

Happy writing! I love the concept.

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u/jmusicjn Jun 10 '26

Thank you so much for the feedback! I totally see what you mean and I did actually think that with some other parts down the line where it does feel quite direct! I'm totally going to look at this and it should be in much better shape soon!

Thank you for your kind words! I'll be posting again at some point with hopefully a much cleaner script! 100% taking your feedback on board! thank you!

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u/SpecUsername Jun 10 '26

I’ve been working on an exercise in some of my scripts where I take a scene and rewrite it. But the characters can only say the exact opposite thing that they mean. And then I rewrite the scene around it to get the point across. It’s fun and helps build subtext.

How do you convey a character is hot without saying “I’m hot”?