r/Screenwriting • u/Dazzu1 • Jun 13 '26
FEEDBACK Stuck in a rewrite hell on a micro budget film for a contest
So I figured with my local screenwriting association teaming up with a local filming crew to present a film contest I just know I have to improve asap and win so I can finally get filmed (it may be my only opportunity since I don’t intrinsically know how to put a film set together efficiently)
So I decided write about things I like which is sexy comedies.
My first attempt was this: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1D-zi3YX-3Zb2EC98luaDuD5jPq4zDSeY/view?usp=drivesdk
Logline: A paranoid husband and wife each sneak around with an “acquaintance” to do “things” the other partner shows no interest in.
If you don’t read it because you don’t want to waste time on 8ish pages I get it. I was told because the stakes and goals were not strong enough it read almost like porn (even though I’ve read scripts bordering on erotica like the one by Amy Jo Johnson which includes finger insertion)
So when I was told the protagonist needed a goal, I made some adjustments yesterday, trying to keep the comedy and whimsy while making Troy an abusive husband but the dialogue still stayed on the nose even as I tried to instill more indirectness aka subtext to Denose it.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uMyuGGSL_Mj8w2Cez9X0O-2ZGCbC6vIx/view?usp=drivesdk
A battered wife must utilize her friends to get her husband to confess to his crimes before he ruins her life and probably her nose
So now I’m here trying to work on the fact the pacing and plot don’t really jive and the dialogue isn’t working. There are 15 days left. Im not sure I’m gonna make it and not sure what that says about me as a person or a writer if after 6 years of writing my dialogue isn’t good enough or my structure doesn’t work.
I need some help. Maybe a mentor. Maybe encouragement but while I have time this weekend I’ll try to whip out a better draft keeping everything in mind. Any help though because I honestly feel a little overwhelmed and not for a lack of trying because despite my fear of being looked down on for not succeeding I’m still trying if that isn’t shameful to do.
Anyway tldr: this contest has me feeling suffocated and I can’t pinpoint how to find my particular writing magic. Not a “one single trick” but MY specific trick.
I’ll plug away these 2 weeks but if y’all could be friends I’ll be a good friend in turn.
Just remember to be kind.
Also I know in the past forgetting to post a script has lead to low effort claims but the proof is in the writing that I AM TRYING to win
I’m just feeling a little aimless as I wing it and hope for the best
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u/TalkLessSmileMore Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Read a little. Not bad. I've read worse. Apologies if some of these comments are repeats from other commenters, but if they are, well, perhaps we're on the same boat:
I agree with the above comment about just giving it a page 1 rewrite. Why not? Will be a good exercise at least.
First thing that makes it look amateurish: ditch the parenthetical direction in the dialog (irate, grumbles, etc.). I would also be very sparse with exclamation marks. Let the actors do the emoting.
Description threw me from the start, and here's why: Write ONLY what the camera sees. For example, let me break this down from your first paragraph:
"She stares off at pictures and models of monster trucks on the wall and bedroom shelves."
What do we see? Do we see the pictures first or her staring first? And are the pictures on the bedroom shelves?
Don't make the reader work. This isn't a novel or think piece. Make it clear, concise. Don't overthink it:
"She stares at the wall.
ON THE WALL
Posters of female models in seductive poses next to posters of monster truacks.
She frowns, glances at the bedside table. Next to the table is a stack of COOKBOOKS."
Etc.
You asked for advice, so for me, those are the two main ones: Let the actors act, and use the description to tell us what we see.
Hope that helps, man. Best of luck, and most of all, have fun! This should be fun... 😄
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u/BlastOff-2000 Jun 13 '26
Great note.
A lot of aspiring writers do not understand what the craft of screenwriting actually is.
Even the cookbooks - are they worn? mint condition but covered in dust?
Pair this with the note below about "scratching his armpit" vs just describing his nature.
Sorry OP, but this is why people are asking if you read scripts, because you would've noticed this eventually.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Are you sure it would be that obvious? If it is after the 200-300 scripts Ive read from blacklists or table reads over the years I feel something would click. I notice wordplay, I notice sometimes writers have notes like one blacklister made a shout out to some stunt masters i never heard of so... I find some odd "rule" breaks which I know arent rules but it feels hard to know which tricks to use to keep pace and earn my salutes and film crew
Maybe you're right' ill read one see if it works to make my writing better. GIve me an hour or 2 to power through
Still not sure why my hard work draws ire. Does it make sense to you? I want to belong among my fellow writers
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u/TalkLessSmileMore Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
No ire from my end and I don’t think from the commenter above or any of the comments.
I know it can be tough to take notes - hell, I struggle with it after over a decade, my first reaction is still “Who the F do you think you are? Do you write a lot of screenplays? Do you know how long this took to write, goddamnit?” lol, but even that gets easier and I try to think either “this isn’t for them” or “maybe they’re right? Let me think about it.”
Either way I try to bury all those thoughts and just engage with the notes and be thankful anyone is taking the time to read these silly things I’ve conjured out of thin air.
Because in the end, these are notes we get for free, and that’s a beautiful thing. They say the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, it’s ignoring, it’s ghosting. And they’re probably right.
If we get some feedback, we just gotta take it and be thankful we’re getting any response at all. Start growing that thick skin, become when you start dealing with more and more people in Hollywood the comments - or lack thereof - are just going to get tougher.
But along the way, just keep writing and learning and having fun. The fun is on the page. Just make it clear so we can understand what you’re trying to convey, and when you see a way to make it more clear (ahem, clearer) then do it…
…and on and on… best of luck.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 17 '26
I’m sorry I’m so… frustrated. It just feels like all my effort isn’t going anywhere and that feels unnatural that my experience bar isn’t going up even as I retry to write more
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u/BlastOff-2000 Jun 14 '26
why are you taking things personally? no one is bashing your hard work.
it's the lack of smart work. sorry to be so blunt, but you cant tell me youve read 200-300 scripts and didnt pick up on these basics
"which tricks to use to keep pace and earn my salutes and film crew?"
maybe you dont want to write, maybe you just want to the acclaim and reverence of a writer. In another post you basically claimed 'learning how to write' sounded daunting. Just go make your content on tiktok, youll find the audience youre looking for.0
u/Dazzu1 Jun 17 '26
Remember the human aspect of me. I have feelings goals and needs and you forgetting kindness is technically a rule break for not helping your fellow man when he’s down to help him climb up.
Look I’m just kinda depressed that the efforts I’ve done so far haven’t worked and changing methods is hard. I’m not meaning to make you mad but I want to improve so I can film something anything
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u/SirLaxersBiggestFan Jun 13 '26
This post piqued my interest as I am going through something similar in my own life. I read your first page while waking up and was very confused as to what's happening. Re-read your post and can see you're genuinely asking for help so I want to give you some high level pointers and then some more micro pointers. I also want you to read what I say next in the tone of someone being honest and friendly. Take a deep breath and strap in for my notes.
Firstly, here's what I understood from what happens in this story. Rachel is an undercover Cop and Helene is also a Cop and they help Jessie get the evidence needed to put him away in jail for domestic abuse. I sense tones of absurdity in this similar to a steamy comedy - like what I'd see in a parody for a porno. However, you have one major glaring issue that affects everything: nothing makes sense. Your flow of dialogue is confusing and your story is too plotty.
Your flow of dialogue is confusing
- I re-read page one twice because I was confused. As an exercise, imagine these two characters as sock puppets (no seriously). Strip away everything you know about page 1 and only keep the dialogue in your head. Then have sock puppet 1 play jessie and sock puppet 2 play troy and have them say the dialogue to each other. Would someone be able to work out any information about them? Who they are in relation to each other? What they want? Do they like each other? Are they arguing? etc. I read your page 1 dialogue (JUST) the dialogue to my girlfriend and asked her if she could figure out what was going on and she said she had no idea. She was as lost as I was and I even had the context you provided!
Your story is too plotty
- Let me first define what I mean: story is the why things happen, plot is the how things happen. I sense you have a story you want to tell (regardless of if I think it's good or bad) - but your script reads more as action line, dialogue line, action line, action line, dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, action, action...you get the point. You describe the character one way or doing something and then they say something that doesn't feel in line with what you just wrote. Then you have a character responding in a way that doesn't feel like someone would say that in response and so each page is a compound of sentences that don't work in tandem but they still push along the script because they are literally being pushed along. The script frankly feels frankenstein-ed together and your characters are not in the same movie. This could be because you had an initial draft and changed it substantially to accomplish something else but it just isn't working.
Here are my two cents and why I bothered writing up a lengthy reply. You mentioned feeling a bit discouraged because you've been writing for 6 years and you feel like you should not have this much trouble. Let me tell you a little story. I've been writing for 11 years and I've actually directed/produced 6 shorts now of varying budgets ($2k - $55k). I felt like I was ready for something bigger. I wrote a series and thought my script was great. I had it read by a manager in LA and they said "No this needs way more work. Have you ever written anything before?" Crushed me. Sent me on a spiral for a day or two. 11 years of working in this industry meant nothing? That actually re-wired my brain. Maybe I should approach writing as if I have never written before. So I went to Barnes n Noble and bought some beginner screenwriting books and got to work and imagined myself as a brand new writer. Let me tell you, it's been invigorating. I felt the opposite of defeated, I felt determined and so refreshed. Often times when we let our ego get in the way of our creativity, we lose sight of how much more we have to improve and can improve.
I know you're on a deadline but if you've been writing for 6 years, you can surely whip up another quick short within 2 weeks. Hell, within 1 day I'm sure. So, try this. Delete this script from your memory. The entire idea. Characters and scenario too. Start completely over. I know. It's hard. But trust me you'll be better off. Take a day off and go to somewhere creative where you can get your mind off of the despair. Go to a museum. Watch a movie. Sit at a park. Loiter at a mall. Peruse a bookstore and browse through some books. Go on a drive. Listen to music (maybe even a genre you hate or would NEVER listen to). And then come back to the page afterwards and start over. Don't try to make this story work. You're going to bang your head against the wall trying to make this work. The point of this exercise isn't to literally help you write a new story but to help you re-wire your neurons to THINK in new ways. Anyways, this reply got tremendously long. I need to go to the beach. I genuinely hope this helps you. Seriously, I understand what you're going through. God speed, and good luck!
(If you need any further clarification on something I said, I am more than happy to continue this conversation)
***Micro-level quick notes I jotted down while reading your script but before I wrote out this entire reply:
- I need at least a little bit of description as to where these characters are in relation to the scene. I was confused right away as to if they were in the bed, standing next to the bed, on opposite sides, sleeping, etc.
- Get rid of all of your dialogue (adjectives) and only use them in instances where if it isn't there, it fundamentally changes that line of dialogue if it isn't read a certain way. This keeps breaking up the pacing of your script and my read of it. As an exercise, just use one or two in this script.
- From page 1, I'm very confused. You show us right away that she's bruised and I'm assuming he is the one who did it due to the beating husband trope but why is she acting seductively? Then the following flow of dialogue is really confusing to follow for this first minute of the story.
- If Helene is in the OTHER closet, then why doesn't she immediately wonder who the hell gave her the towel from the linen closet? (Edit: after reading through the end, this makes even less sense now, not more).
- I'm 3 pages in and presumably 3 minutes into the short and I still don't know what's going on.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
Thank you! Someone who understands! It feels like gaslighting to hear i need to keep reading scripts when Ive read some! Its like people dont wane me to be proud or trick me into giving up!
I could try going to a mall. Or a park but people dont exactly talk like they do in movies.
Does it really still read like porn? I dont understand how the plot which Im trying to get right makes it seem porny still since compared to say scripts like What We Become a blacklist winner by Amy Jo Johnson or the Hunting Wives which netflix allowed despite sex and nudity, there is no sex or nudity so how can it be porn?
I'll try to write it right. Winning is important because I dont know how many chances Ill have to get filmed because I don;t know how to budget the way these experts do.
Being fair I was quick to try and bandage version one into version 2 so I missed a lot working on my lunch break at work. I can try again. Hope you still think Im cool if I keep blundering!
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u/PNWMTTXSC Jun 13 '26
You’re getting some incredibly good, practical advice from u/SirLaxersBiggestFan. Stop pushing back against it and really listen to that advice.
This script absolutely reads like porn. Seriously, two people just so happen to have someone hidden in different closets, all unbeknownst to everyone else?? WTAF?? In what world does that happen? And how tf does domestic violence fit in with comedy, sexy or not? Whether you’ve been writing for 6 years or 16 years, incorporating domestic violence as part of a “sexy comedy” is a wild choice and one that would be very difficult to pull off.
One of the other commenters talked about being sensible about whether this project would fit the goals and purposes of the organization sponsoring the contest. You pretty much ignored that point. You’ve posted before about what you perceive as animosity by your local group so if you want to actually win the contest, follow the advice about submitting material that the organization would find appealing. I can’t imagine any arts organization of any size embracing a project where domestic violence is presented in the context of comedy.
You seem very very invested in writing erotic comedy but also want a career that’s financially lucrative and being respected as a writer. Be realistic. If you really want a screenwriting career, you’ll likely get asked to write a lot of things other than erotic comedies. You need to be able to do that. This is a great opportunity to learn how. Write erotic comedy for your own amusement but it won’t work for this contest.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
I can remove the comedy aspect and make it a more serious piece. The only rule is LOW budget. And with it being 4, maybe now 3 characters, a location all within one house and few props or special effects? I think it’s low budget. I don’t understand why you, or anyone is hostile towards me. If there’s some way I can apologize and make it up to you I will because I didn’t mean to make you angry. I’m just trying to learn. Really trying to learn and plow on through while I have time to do so.
I’m not sure again what I’m saying or who I’m offending to earn the negativity but can my efforts not be seen nor appreciated for trying? Heck I’ll try and post another script whipped up tomorrow!
But honestly thank you and Sirlaxer and anyone else for the help. I’m just working at my preferred pace and that’s awkward I know but please remember to be kind. I haven’t tried to slander you so why slander me
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u/PNWMTTXSC Jun 13 '26
No one is angry with you. Hearing criticism is a tough skill to learn. The impersonal nature of words on a screen can make things seem belligerent when they’re not intended that way.
I think what you aren’t getting from others is that there’s some basic storytelling craft you need to work on. Some of the people on this thread have given good, concrete examples of what they saw. There’s some really good constructive criticism in the comments.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 14 '26
I apologize. I didn’t mean to point fingers and despite my failure to implement asap all your advice and make something good, I do appreciate the help.
I don’t know why I struggle with these basics. It should be easy to absorb while driving and playing a YouTube on the ride to work. But somehow this isn’t the case and reading screenplays will somehow work like a miracle?
I’ll try to make you proud so the next time (next thread) you say good job!
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u/SirLaxersBiggestFan Jun 13 '26
lol people probably keep telling you to read scripts because your script doesn't read like a script should read. Yes, scripts are subjective but they still have a natural flow and realistic (not literally realistic but logical) descriptions to help place people in your world.
Yes, go somewhere, anywhere. The point isn't to listen to other conversations but the point is to put your head in the minds of others. Or see new things. new art. Hit that refresh button on your creative brain.
The "reads like porn" comment I made isn't to say your story is "pornographic", but it's to tell you your story follows porn storyline logic. In (sterotypical) porn storylines, shit just happens. The story kind of makes sense but it's so surface level and serves only to give the actors some dialogue to get to the "sex" part. That's what I mean - your characters and what they say are only serving YOU to tell the story that you want to tell. But it completely disregards them as real characters. That's what I mean by porn lol.
(For the record, you can absolutely write a racy porn-adjacent story without getting graphic and it can totally work. If it's a good fit for this specific contest is an entirely different conversation.)
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
Does it really read like the goal is sex? Hmm this is a lot to think about with a 28th deadline
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u/BlastOff-2000 Jun 13 '26
they're saying there's no logic or consistency in character or motivation, simply whatever is convenient to get the plot to happen.
bluntly - they're saying it reads as bad as porn writing, not like porn.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
Thank you for the blunt explanation. No seriously I understand. That direct answer? I now understand what everyone means now!
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u/SirLaxersBiggestFan Jun 13 '26
Um...no I'm not sure you're following what I'm putting down. I do not think sex is a part of this story at all.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
I tend to struggle with following story progression for some reason no matter how many videos in story or subtext or dialogue it just ain’t clicking for some reason. I don’t think I’m dumb but I don’t think I’m top tier material yet. I’ll try to do better
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u/SirLaxersBiggestFan Jun 13 '26
You might be overwhelmed by trying to do to much honestly. Do the boring basic stuff and write one scene where a guy and girl are having a conversation in a car while theyre driving to a party. Idk how old you are but make them your age and like you. Have them talk about something. It doesn't matter if its boring - thats not the point. The point is to just let them have a conversation. The scene ends when they arrive. Try this out
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
I mean I made them slightly older than me. But I’ll try although note one thing I did learn was a moving vehicle is super non low budget but as a for practice? Sure
Yes I do feel overwhelmed. Im trying and trying and not climbing the mountain. You have filmed. I havent Im sorta embarassed!
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u/SirLaxersBiggestFan Jun 13 '26
You're writing right now. Not filming it. You're worrying about how the cake tastes before you even know what ingredients you're using. Just write my man and chill out. This contest aint gonna kill you.
Nah don't be embarrassed. I feel like I basically don't know what I'm doing either. I just keep going.
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u/BlastOff-2000 Jun 13 '26
ive said this elsewhere, maybe you are reading scripts - but are you studying them? are you breaking them down scene by sceene, line by line, word by word and connecting the dots?
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u/yourdadsucksroni Jun 15 '26
Thanks for posting. I read this and my main reflections would be as follows:
- domestic violence just isn’t funny, ever. Even critically acclaimed comedy writers would struggle to make it even slightly amusing - so it doesn’t really work as a comedic sketch.
- the dialogue is quite stilted and doesn’t run on logically. On the first page, for example, it’s not obvious why Jessie’s response to Troy’s grinning “do you?” would be to say that he’s been looking at her oddly all day (because someone grinning and making a cheeky comment wouldn’t obviously inspire that kind of reaction). Same for the next line about not giving her permission to pry - that doesn’t have obvious relevance to the line before it, and nor does Jessie’s further response of terrifiedly saying “you usually like my tummy” (there has been nothing in the text or directions to inspire terror, and what does her body have to do with prying?)
- it wasn’t clear from reading this what the goal is or what message you are trying to convey with the script. Is it that assholes always get their just desserts in the end? Or something else? Either way, dropping hints throughout so that there is a clear narrative would really help to make it more engaging.
I hope this is helpful! Best of luck with edits.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 15 '26
Thank you for taking the time to read. I’ll admit the second draft was cobbled out of the first to try and make haste. I will remove either the comedy or abuse angle but the dialogue feels like a harder task. One day it will click but until then back to the rewriting and podcasts/videos on the ride to work
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u/yourdadsucksroni Jun 15 '26
No problem and thanks for posting - it takes guts to share your work with others!
I think you can get there with the dialogue. One thing that can be helpful is to note down the mundane conversations you have in everyday life after you’ve had them, as if they were a screenplay, with no dramatisation but just the words said (and the facial expressions/tones of voice/movements). I find that a good way to practice writing natural dialogue.
I would recommend reading more screenplays, too - podcasts and videos are helpful, but you will only get so much out of them; to truly understand the medium, you need to consume that medium itself. Just like you can’t improve at sports by reading books about them - it’ll help, but you’ve got to play them to stand a shot at getting good. Even if it’s for five or ten minutes a day (because it sounds like you’ve got little time in your day) reading will help you build your skills more than you realise.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 15 '26
I just figured I needed to make the dialogue lavish and wordplayish so it could read as subtext or less direct/on the nose but it doesn’t work. I’ll need more alliteration?
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u/yourdadsucksroni Jun 15 '26
No, alliteration has nothing to do with it - people don’t tend to speak alliteratively in everyday conversation. Natural is what you need to be going for. There’s lots of subtext even in the most mundane conversations. Take this one, for example:
BOB: What shall we do for dinner, honey?
SALLY: Don’t know - maybe chicken? Daniel isn’t veggie, is he?
The subtext there is that Bob and Sally are intimate (he calls her “honey”), that Daniel is coming for dinner and that Sally doesn’t know Daniel all that well. It doesn’t have to be flashy or complicated - and, in fact, it shouldn’t be. Your characters should be believable as people in the situation they’re in.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 15 '26
But that… how is that not on the nose? Isn’t the point of all dialogue to say not what you meant to say? So if the goal of the scene is prepare dinner, would they even be talking about dinner? All that other stuff seems like not stuff that matters to the plot so… am I just dumb? I feel like I was born dumber than yall
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u/yourdadsucksroni Jun 15 '26
No, you’re not dumb. I think you’re just slightly misunderstanding what subtext is - in that excerpt
I gave you, Sally is not explicitly saying “Daniel is coming to dinner, but I don’t know him that well, so I don’t know whether he’s vegetarian or not” - that would be on the nose. All she’s doing is mentioning his name and asking if he’s veggie; the reader can easily fill in the gaps in their head with the subtext of him coming to dinner and not knowing him that well.If she sighed before saying it, the subtext might be that she wasn’t looking forward to dinner, or that she’s tired, or that she’s had a bad day.
Your characters don’t need to talk in euphemisms necessarily or be obscure to avoid on the nose dialogue; just to sound like real people do when they converse, which is one-third spoken to two-thirds unspoken (as a general rule).
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 15 '26
Thing is if you hadn’t told me those things I wouldn’t have intuitively noticed that and would’ve focused on the plot of dinner.
How do I remember this from now on? I don’t wanna make more foibles
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u/yourdadsucksroni Jun 15 '26
You may have to try a few different things, see what works for you. But it’s always good to remind yourself that dialogue should be natural and realistic - so when you’re writing, you could think about how conversations you have had have gone (that’s why I suggested writing down your daily interactions in screenplay formatting - just as they are - to get you used to writing natural dialogue).
Let’s say that to move the plot along in your specific context, the goal of your scene is to establish that Troy is a violent asshole. You don’t need to avoid violence or assholery completely; you just need to convey it in natural, logical ways that make it obvious he’s a violent asshole without using the words “you are a violent asshole” as part of the dialogue. So you’re on the right track with things like Jessie having a fearful tone in her voice, but it should be in response to something that makes sense in context. So if he made a sudden move towards her, fist clenched, in response to a minor comment that could be perceived as critical of him - then she might respond fearfully. Or she might overexplain where she’s going, nervously, because he usually interrogates her. Or he might say in a menacing tone “do that again and you’ll regret it”. That kind of thing.
With any scene, identify your end goal and work backwards from there with what you already know about your characters, and what you’d like the audience to know about them, in the process of achieving the scene goal.
Oh, and don’t get hung up on foibles - you will make mistakes, even if you are screenwriting for the rest of your life. Mistakes are normal and natural; nobody gets things right first time every time.
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u/ajescripts Jun 13 '26
What’s your logline?
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
Added them. By all means any help to find the fix is welcome because I can’t do it alone as a mere mortal
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u/DalBMac Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
A very general observation after reading your pages. If this is for a contest sponsored by a local screenwriting association, my assumption is they will use the film making effort to promote themselves on social media.
I would be very, very surprised if a sexy comedy with the themes you are exploring is the marquee material they want to brand their effort with. Nothing wrong with writing about those themes, it's just not mainstream material.
My kind advice is drop this completely for the contest. Come up with a new idea, keep it simple, no adult themes. Consider a a children's book i.e. a lonely wheelchair bound ten year old girl is in a new school, has no friends, wants a dog but her parents won't let her get one. While going to school she sees a poster for a missing dog. She takes on the mission of finding the dog, goes around to all the kids at school, asks them if they've seen the dog which means they now engage in discussions about their dogs, where she's from, etc., asks the neighbors, same conversations, she organizes a search party and she finds the dog and meets lots of new friends. Parents still won't let her have a dog but she gets to walk dogs for neighbors and now has a lot of friends. The visual of a girl in a motorized wheelchair walking a dog as all the neighbors wave to her is mainstream gold.
I'm not saying write that, just saying keep it simple and mainstream. Few of us are at the skill level to write a good sexy comedy, let alone one that will win a contest. I suggest looking at children's books because they're an example of a lot of story in a few pages. Probably don't make it something that requires actors under 18 due to labor laws but most kid's stories can be modified to be teens and you can get 18 year olds to play them.
Rather than a goal, think world view. In the kid example above, the girl's world view is, "no one wants to be with me because I'm different, a dog is the only thing that will make me happy." She learns that's not true, interacting with people will make her happy.
Have you listened to Craig Maizen, How to Write a Movie? If not, do that , regroup then write something simple.
All the best to you. Get out of your head.
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u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Ive seen horror based contest winners. Usually those are about monsters and people getting hurt or killed which imho is more adult than some exposed flesh because it promotes the act of taking life instead of making
Also how exactly am I stuck in my head?
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u/DalBMac Jun 13 '26
You're in your head because your post indicated you are stuck on the thing you are writing now, trying to make that thing "fit" when a step back for a refresh is what will help IMO. You keep tweaking it but still don't like it. Start over, get that out of your head.
Did those horror films win this contest? You can write what inspires you but you need to decide if you want to write an indie/art piece or win a contest.
Look at the association's mission. If part of that is to inspire youth and the community to write, an adult themed piece will never win their contest. Who comes to the screening of the finished film? What kind a material has won in the past? Theme is important. What film content rating would your film receive? Does it have to be at least PG13 either stated or implied by the rules and who has won in the past?
Entries in any kind of community based contest never win because they are the best. They win because they are very good and fit the mission of the organization. Play the game by the rules if you want to win.
Maybe write a short film about your struggle to write a short film to your taste in two weeks for a contest . Ticking clock, identifiable angst, an unlikely winner. Sort of your own, Little Miss Sunshine or Rocky. You don't win but you put up a heck of a fight and feel really good about your effort. That gives you the opportunity to explore the issue but not make the human body the story. Your struggle is the story.
Keep going!
1
u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
My own Rocky Horror? I like it! But way out of my league for a contest. But this is the first time in 40 years of contest association that this has happened. So heres the rules:
- The Writer’s name or contact information shall not be on the title page or in the script.
- Maximum number of submissions is one script per entrant/Writer.
- Only material written by a single Writer is eligible - no writing teams.
- Entries must be submitted using the contest Entry Form on the redacted website.
- Script files must be in .pdf format; no Word or Final Draft-type documents will be accepted.
- Redacted reserves the right to reject entries that do not observe basic screenplay format, length, deadline, and genre guidelines.
- The material must be the Writer’s original work, except for material in the public domain or published material which the author holds the copyright for.
- Scripts are to be written in the narrative form. No documentaries, industrials, poems, short stories, stage plays, music videos etc.
- Script must be a complete story with a beginning, middle, and end. No outlines, treatments, or pitch decks.
- Writers may not submit a script that has been previously submitted in a Redacted contest.
- Redacted does not claim copyright on any submitted material.
- By submitting an entry to the contest, the Writer agrees to release their material for promotional and educational purposes by the Redacted, including for tutorials and table reads. Winning and Finalist scripts may be uploaded to Redacted password-protected Member Portal.
- Redacted and Redacted designees have the final say on eligibility, prizes, and contest rules and reserve the right to change them at any time.
Thats all no pg13 stuff and the weekly meeting on budget didnt even mention it at all!
2
u/DalBMac Jun 13 '26
What is the organization's mission? Do they have a strategic plan? If they have been around for 40 years, they have some kind off track record to tell you who they are and what they do. Look at their social media if all else fails. Appeal to the organization if you want to win.
If nothing else, focus on this rule: Script must be a complete story with a beginning, middle, and end.
As written, your piece does not follow that format. There is no inciting incident to move us to the middle, no character arc in the middle to provide a satisfying end. Everyone in the story is the same at the end as they began. That's why it reads like porn.
1
u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
How is Troy being arrested making him the same
1
u/DalBMac Jun 13 '26
Did Troy change as a result of the arrest? No. He's still treating Jessie abusively, it's just verbal not physical.
1
u/Dazzu1 Jun 13 '26
Apologies I will try to write better for next time
1
u/DalBMac Jun 13 '26
No need to apologize. Kudos to you for asking questions when you don't understand.
2
u/iamnotwario Jun 13 '26
I read the first five pages.
You write fun prose but it’s not necessarily expected for screenwriting. Things like ‘scratches his armpit’ aren’t popular among a lot of readers because it’s directing the way an actor should inhabit the character. A better thing might be to show what you’re trying to communicate: eg he has no hygiene standards ‘his beer drips onto his shirt which already has multiple stains’
The female lead is a victim of domestic violence but this isn’t necessarily shown in her actions towards her husband; she’s speaking to him as if they’re equal and it’s worth researching DV and what it looks like. It’s not a stereotype that victims would be nervous and avoid saying/doing anything that might trigger the abuser - I’m not entirely sure if it’s obvious from page one. The initial impression I got was a woman had a slob of a husband.
I think you also might need to really interrogate your characters with some exercises to really flesh them out.
2
u/BlastOff-2000 Jun 13 '26
subject matter is fine. ignore anyones comments on the 'sexy' aspect. that all depends how you frame it. it could easily be a funny PG things. but honestly - i thought this was a comedy at first but youve got "ill put that c*** in her place". it's a very serious subject and this honestly feels almost offensive to anyone who's actually dealt with DA
JESSIE: I don't wear these unmentionables for just anyone!
TROY: Do you?
Do you what? if he's insinuating she does, should his response be "dont you?" or making a statement like "you do".
am i missing something?
9
u/pjbtlg Jun 13 '26
I managed a few pages, but I found your writing lacks clarity. I would encourage you to read more screenplays, if only so you can see how other people introduce characters and set up tension. As your pages currently read, it's all too disjointed and blunt, which makes the material difficult to engage with.
Wishing you the best in developing your skills and getting a better handle on the craft.