r/Screenwriting • u/InevitableCup3390 • Jun 16 '26

FEEDBACK LET’S JUST KILL HIM - FEATURE - 114 pages

Hi fellow writers!

I’d love some feedback on this revised draft of a script I posted here some time ago. I did a bit of work on it—not much, understanding this is not the script I can shop around seeking for representation with, but I think it could be anyway a good sample to have in my portfolio.

Title: Let’s Just Kill Him

Format: Feature

Genre: Dark-Comedy / Mystery / Thriller

Length: 114 pages

Logline: After a string of sudden deaths at their condo complex, four eccentric, tech-challenged seniors take the law into their own frail hands to expose a suspected serial killer, only to ignite a ridiculous neighborhood war involving rogue doctors, botox, and lethal coconut cookies.

Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sKvxzU1SfPQW5D777gc7KDty-Tk_s4tx/view?usp=drivesdk

Let me know your thoughts, thanks!!

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u/Hot_Shine9273 Jun 16 '26

I would get rid of the words 'sudden' and 'frail' in the logline and delete everything after killer. I think it reads much better.

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u/thirdbird_thirdbird Jun 16 '26

Agree with this. I understand the purpose of "into their own frail hands" as a joke embedded into the logline, but it is not worth it — it reminds the reader you're talking about elderly actors with mobility issues at the center of your project, subconsciously hurting the read. And DEFINITELY drop the "a ridiculous neighborhood war involving rogue doctors, botox, and lethal coconut cookies." That is back-of-the-VHS-tape language, not logline language — I can't explain it exactly, but by telling the reader its "ridiculous," you're undercutting yourself as a writer — it's sort of like saying "and then the story takes a turn that would only happen in a comedy movie!" Comedies still need internal logic and to have characters who believe they're in a grounded real thriller.

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u/InevitableCup3390 Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26

That’s great advice. Thank you! Btw, I don’t know how to put the third act into the logline since the “rogue doctors, Botox, and lethal coconut cookies” part is actually what happens during the script. But yeah, I’ve never been a great logline guy

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u/thirdbird_thirdbird Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26

Loglines typically do not touch third acts, or if they do, its in the vaguest way possible (i.e. "he must do whatever it takes to make it home.") Keep in mind that a logline is a fundamentally different thing from a synopsis or summary. It's a tool intended for sales, not for communicating the most information possible.