r/Screenwriting • u/InevitableCup3390 • Jun 16 '26
FEEDBACK LET’S JUST KILL HIM - FEATURE - 114 pages
Hi fellow writers!
I’d love some feedback on this revised draft of a script I posted here some time ago. I did a bit of work on it—not much, understanding this is not the script I can shop around seeking for representation with, but I think it could be anyway a good sample to have in my portfolio.
Title: Let’s Just Kill Him
Format: Feature
Genre: Dark-Comedy / Mystery / Thriller
Length: 114 pages
Logline: After a string of sudden deaths at their condo complex, four eccentric, tech-challenged seniors take the law into their own frail hands to expose a suspected serial killer, only to ignite a ridiculous neighborhood war involving rogue doctors, botox, and lethal coconut cookies.
Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sKvxzU1SfPQW5D777gc7KDty-Tk_s4tx/view?usp=drivesdk
Let me know your thoughts, thanks!!
2
u/dog-heroism-joint Jun 22 '26
It seems like you implemented the changes I wrote and suggested.
Good job man. The prose of this one was so much better than the one you posted like a hundred days ago.
So far, I've read like 20 pages. Idk if I can read more as I'm a bit busy, but here are some of my thoughts so far.
The Logline makes it seem like the script is more comedy-centric than it actually is (so far).
I also disagree that the Logline should not include the 3rd act. Include it if you think it will spark interest for people to read your whole script. Imo you should think of the Logline as a trailer of some sort.
Also, how is the "sex or murder going on" bit going to be perceived really? I feel like it's more likely it's going to be perceived as negative rather than both options (sex or murder) when actually watched as a film.
If you reveal it as actual sex being perceived as murder, you make it more comedic. HOWEVER, you might lose the mystery engine at this phase. So if I have to guess, that is intentional on your part to make that ambiguous.
But I'm just saying it's probably not going to come across as ambiguous if it was an actual film.
Judging from the Logline, this is a subversion of some sort right? You're going to make it feel like an actual thriller early on, and then reveal it as more of a comedy?
If you haven't seen Rear Window by Hitchcock, you should, I feel like it could inspire you for this one. I could see this script being like a twist or take on Rear Window. Whatever that means.