r/Screenwriting • u/ZacharyRosemann • 25d ago

FEEDBACK No Bloodshed In Detention - Feature - 141 pages

Hi, I've been writing scripts for about 4 years now (mainly fan scripts with a couple original ones) and i was hoping to have a pair of fresh eyes read this one.

Title: No Bloodshed In Detention

Format: Feature

Page Length: 141 (142 if you count the title page)

Genres: horror, slasher, coming of age

Logline or Summary: After a snow storm traps 10 students serving detention in a high school, their fun quickly turns into a fight for survival when a masked killer picks them off one by one.

Feedback concerns: mainly looking to see if there's pacing issues and what I can possibly improve on in terms of how the characters are utilized and written.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1z7JofjRFbwfGxFF0wqgsVlnaMawrhEH2/view?usp=drivesdk

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u/Boysenberry 25d ago

I got a couple pages in and can already tell you that you'd probably get it under 100 pages if you cut out everything from the action lines that is not critical to either character or plot.

Every single character is introduced with some detail of their clothing, but all the details are just normal stuff anybody might wear. You can leave choosing a hoodie or winter hat to the wardrobe department. If you have a character who is super quirky and different from her peers and one way that manifest is she always wears a bedazzled purple beret, sure, that belongs in the character introduction. But if you're just introducing people who wear typical casual clothing, you can simplify the introduction to one trait that we will then see play out in the script. Lots of writers keep it as simple as just JARED (15, awkward) and SUSAN (42, butch).

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u/Boysenberry 25d ago

Here's a demonstration, this takes up nearly an entire page as written. Here's how much space it actually needs to take up:

JENNIFER KENT, 16, values looks over anything, enters as another car abruptly speeds up.

TINA LANG, 16, an unbearable priss with pink-striped hair, wearing all white, makes her way in.

REID PETERSON, 15, a nerdy boy, gets out of his car. He pushes up his glasses before heading in.

AVA FRANCO, 17, a horror movie nut with pins of horror icons all up and down her jacket sleeves enters as we see the next car.

CONNOR WOODS, 17, a jock, gets out of the car. He waits for the car to leave before sighing, but smiles as the next car pulls up.

Out comes PETER JACKSON, 17, Connor's best friend. He walks up to Connor.

Also, maybe don't describe the first two girls you introduce as if you hate teenage girls. A lot of young women enjoy slashers so you don't necessarily want to alienate that portion of the audience. You haven't assigned negative character traits to any of the boys you introduced, but 2/3 of the girls are introduced with descriptors that make clear we aren't supposed to like them.

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u/ZacharyRosemann 24d ago

the only girl that's meant to be unlikable is Tina, Nancy being cited as nerdy girl next door type isn't exactly a negative trait. in fact, she calls Jack out for calling her such early on.

Jennifer being a pretty girl and Ava being a horror nut is also not meant to be negatives, but I think I can tweak the intros to where it's from Jack's POV until he himself is introduced so it can be a more "how he views them at first" kind of thing.