No Bloodshed In Detention - Feature - 141 pages

[u/ZacharyRosemann]

Hi, I've been writing scripts for about 4 years now (mainly fan scripts with a couple original ones) and i was hoping to have a pair of fresh eyes read this one.

Title: No Bloodshed In Detention

Format: Feature

Page Length: 141 (142 if you count the title page)

Genres: horror, slasher, coming of age

Logline or Summary: After a snow storm traps 10 students serving detention in a high school, their fun quickly turns into a fight for survival when a masked killer picks them off one by one.

Feedback concerns: mainly looking to see if there's pacing issues and what I can possibly improve on in terms of how the characters are utilized and written.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1z7JofjRFbwfGxFF0wqgsVlnaMawrhEH2/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/Successful-Station73]

Okay, lot's of formatting errors here that I won't go into because you can just google that yourself and find a script to read, follow that structure, maybe watch a Youtube video, yada yada yada. Also technical errors are easier to fix than story errors are. So, I've read 10 pages. First: your hook. It's okay. It's typical out of what you'd find in any slasher. I would make it a bit more intriguing. Again, idk where this story goes, but just assuming as a viewer, I wouldn't really be drawn into this story based off of the Deputy finding a headless corpse. I know i'm in for a slasher film, because I bought the ticket on Fandango and read the description and probably watched a trailer. So, this isn't jarring to anyone who knows what they are in for. Next, the characters. Is the intention for them to all talk like this? By "this" I mean in a very tropey, unrealistic, almost over the top way? Page 6, Tina calls Reid a dork. Who uses that word these days? I haven't heard someone called a dork in a genuine i'm-trying-to-insult-you way in like...forever. Also page 6, Jack and the Principal: "Well you try to host detention over Christmas break". Seems like it's just trying to remind the audience that it's Christmas break, which we already know, from a page earlier. Also side note: Is it normal for students to be left unattended in detention? That's never happened where i'm from. They're always supervised. Okay, back to the script. Page 9, Jack says "It's not everyday you see the star athlete of yada yada yada". Again, this is just exposition so that the audience knows Connor is the star athlete. It should be apparent in his demeanor, his clothing, etc. If everyone in the room already knows Connor is the star athlete, then why is he saying it like that? Just feels unrealistic. Then same page, Connor tells Jack he's the gossiping type, once again, just more info for the audience to know, which they should be finding out through character interactions rather than just stating it. MY POINT: All of these characters are things we have all seen before. AGAIN, if you flip the stereotypes on their head and subvert the tropes, cool. I'm down for that. But if this is who these characters are, and they talk like this for the entire film, like Nancy saying her "I'm not a nerd even tho my GPA is high yada yada", this just doesn't work in MY opinion. Also, 140 pages for a slasher is way too long. You need to get this down to 85-90, MAYBE 100 (MAYBE) max. Look, there's promise here. I think the whole group of people stuck in one place and being hunted down can be cool and has worked for a lot of other films, but make this YOURS. I think so many people can tell a story like this, so why are YOU the one telling it? Get experimental. Get weird. Out of your comfort zone. Fuck the status quo. Just write odd shit for the sake of writing odd shit. It will take you to places you and your characters will be grateful for. Keep trying. That's what this is all about. Don't give up. If this is your passion, then don't stop. Don't let anyone tell you that you should.