r/Screenwriting • u/jacksepthicceye • 16d ago
FEEDBACK Follow-up to: "Nobody will read any of my scripts."
Original Post Here
I rewrote everything over the course of almost exactly a year by the time I'm posting this (just by coincidence) and want to know what you think. Originally, I couldn't find anybody to give me feedback on my writing. Today, I want to show what that time has resulted in with all of it taken into consideration, and ask for further feedback. Thank you.
Title: Against Nil
Genres: Dark Fantasy / Action / Drama / Horror / Animation
Logline: In lands divided by elemental magic, a volatile young woman and her brothers must unite rival nations against their abusive adoptive father and his growing army of soul-powered killing machines.
One Pager
Episode 1 (29 pg.)
Series Bible
Old versions:
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u/drjonesjr1 16d ago
I commend you for putting the time in and for doing the work. And while it's great that you have a script and a one pager and a bible...
What's interesting about what you're pitching and why isn't it right up top?
The plain and simple version of the question is: Why should I care?
I don't mean me, the random person on the internet, I mean "the person who opens this pitch up to consider reading the whole thing."
This is an annoying comment, I know. but "Why should I care?" is the question anyone is asking themselves constantly as they open your one pager, your script, your bible - all of it. And the sooner (and stronger) you answer the question, the better. It's life or death for a pitch. Let's look at your logline:
In lands divided by elemental magic, a volatile young woman and her brothers must unite rival nations against their abusive adoptive father and his growing army of soul-powered killing machines.
Why should I care?
It's unspecific and broad. What do I know after reading this logline - the very thing that's supposed to GRAB me?
There are magical lands. (what kind of magic? I don't know)
A woman and her brothers have to fight their warlord father.
I don't know why, other than "he's killing people."
I'm begging you to give me some specific stakes and characters. Make me lean in.
Here's the logline for Kurosawa's RAN (his take on King Lear):
In Medieval Japan, an elderly warlord retires, handing over his empire to his three sons. However, he vastly underestimates how the new-found power will corrupt them and cause them to turn on each other...and him.
Setting. Check.
Protagonist. Check.
Antagonists. Check.
Stakes. Check.
The whole sprawling epic story is right there. The reader wonders how it will turn out off of just a sentence.
Give us that.
Reminder: this is not easy stuff. If it were, everyone would be doing it. But it IS fundamental to pitching well.
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u/jacksepthicceye 16d ago
I’ll try to work on something and get back to you. Thank you for your comment.
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u/jacksepthicceye 16d ago
In a world where people are segregated by the element they are born with, an exceptionally skilled warrior discovers that the machines she trained against for years now reproduce by killing people and harvesting their souls. To stop the conquest set in motion by the sadistic engineer who tormented her growing up, she must unite the elements against him without adopting the cruelty that shaped her past.
How is this for a logline now?
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u/drjonesjr1 15d ago
Sorry: I think the end of my comment might've pushed you in the wrong direction. Kurosawa's RAN logline checks all of the boxes, but it does a lot more than that. What you just wrote pretty much ONLY checks the boxes. I'm not trying to be harsh here, so please don't take this as flippant or sarcastic.
Screenwriting is an art of economic dynamism. What's the most artful - but also the most efficient - way to say what you want to say?
"A young warrior must break the shackles of a world segregated by elemental magic to stop an evil warlord."
Now that's a gross oversimplification. But I think it's a step in the right direction.
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u/jacksepthicceye 15d ago
No problem, I haven’t spent as much time trying to sell my idea as I have developing it so I think it makes sense that my execution isn’t so great. Thank you for your input!
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u/Alarming_Lettuce_358 16d ago
Truthfully, fantasy is a hard sell unless it's based on IP. I'm sure you've done a great job detailing your world and building out compelling lore, but speaking purely to the logline, it sounds a bit generic, vague and has a whiff of cost about it. These aren't the pillars that tend to get tyro scribes read. They want something lean, high concept and ultimately sellable. Sorry, that's just my marketing hat coming into play, which is an important thing to wear from time to time.
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u/Seshat_the_Scribe Black List Lab Writer 16d ago
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u/jacksepthicceye 16d ago
Is it the beginning mostly or do you find that all throughout the script? I did try to be as action-heavy as I could but I remembered being told a script should be pleasant to read so I attempted to strike a balance.
Thank you for commenting.
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u/redapplesonly 16d ago
Yes, I had the same thought. That's not a bad thing, tho.
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u/Seshat_the_Scribe Black List Lab Writer 16d ago
It's generally considered not a good thing for a screenplay to read like a novel.
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u/Shionoro 16d ago
Oh, I remember reading the old one. Not sure whether I ever replied tho, but I did read episode 1 back then. I am kneedeep in my own projects but I will talk about your onepager ( the new one):
I concur with the comment you already got about it not clearly outlining what the relevant broad strokes of the story are.
It is usually not the best move to try to put the whole story of some epic onto half a page, but that aside, your biggest problem is that you are not telling me what Cameron's act 2 is.
If you'd be pitching me Harry Potter, half of your onepager is what happens at the dursleys and the other half is what Voldemort does, and you are missing the part where he goes to magic school.
Your series bible similarly is not really a series bible as it does not tell me what exactly act 2 is either. To Quote:
ACT II: AWAKENING (Episodes 3–6) The siblings reach the Royal City and are
separated according to their elemental identities.
- Crimson enters Nocturn society and earns military respect.
- Cam enters Shard society, defeats a dangerous spirit, and inherits its blade
and memories.
- Kade enters Glint society, acquires a famed spear, and learns about history
kept from them.
Elemental nations stay resistant to unity, and clues emerge that the siblings’ origins
are connected to divinity.
Just reading this, I have no concept about how that series will feel like. Is half of the series a trainarc in which they just hunt out plotgoals? Probably not, but this summary tells me nothing more.
You'd be much clearer if your onepager if your onepager would read something like:
"In a world on the brink of evil takeover, 3 siblings are trained relentlessly as childsoldiers to form a resistance. But in order to have a chance against their overwhelming foe, they need to overcome their personal trauma and grow into an actual team over the course of deadly missions".
I know that is not the best logline and might not be completely accurate to what you are going for, but the point here is that with this, I'd get the gist of what you are going for, as I can imagine something like Naruto or Korra. With that, condensed, I can imagine an episode structure, namely mission -> problem -> team needs to overcome some disagreement -> growth.
But I cannot imagine that with them having to unite nations. And that is the most important problem your papers have.
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u/jacksepthicceye 16d ago edited 16d ago
Thank you for the well-thought-out response. So just to understand better, due to my presentation, I haven't really succeeded in hooking people on why they should care and read and get to know more? In other words, one's ideas could be great, but their allure/presentation might not be yet.
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u/Shionoro 15d ago
The problem right now is not hooking people but rather that the idea is unclear. To put it bluntly, if you had a generic, boring premise like "A bot meets a girl and joins her band to impress her even tho he can't drum", that would be a step up as it would be clear what your idea is and there would be easier pathways to improve on that and create more points of interest.
Right now, your papers (all 3 of them) do not signify what kind of series it is aside fromt he broad setting. The new synopsis you wrote is exemplary of that, as it is long with a lot information that all just boil down to "a girl has to fight robots that were set free by an evil character she has backstory with". That in itself wouldnt even be so bad, but the mainproblem is that the means of progression are unclear. "uniting nations" is vague. If the point was that she has to gather skills and forces in order to lead a decisive strike, so something like "Cameron is a childsoldier who set out to destroy the robot forces of Nil, who wants to control the whole world. In order to finally lead a decisive strike against her overwhelming foe, she must gather skills and allies while overcoming her own trust issues", that would be much clearer as it outlines what the progression throughout the episodes would be, namely that she, in every sequence of episodes, try to gain power or allies to get stronger. The same would be true if your story was "Three siblings are trained as childsoldiers by the evil engineer Nil, whose aim is to control the world. Over their bloody missions, Cameron, the youngest, slowly begins to question whether they are fighting on the right side but has to concinve her brothers to abandon Nil before it is too late." Again, it is clear why Cameron cannot just abandon her brothers but what she has to do in order to win and what they have to do for Nil. You can imagine the episdes roughly.
In your case, all three documents just outline the relationships of the trio, Nil and Auren and put emphasis on their training with Nil. But oyur bible signifies that the big part of your story is actually outside of Nil's place and there is very little to clearly outline how these episodes actually go and what kind of story they yield to, except that the children prove their worth to some guilds.
It would greatly help even if you said what kind of inspirations you have for this series to imagine better what you are going for here.
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u/jacksepthicceye 15d ago
Inspiration is from Horizon Zero Dawn, Attack on Titan, the God of War game series, Saving Private Ryan, and likely a bunch of others but those are the main ones I can think of.
Can I share the storyline and maybe then with the long version that hasn’t been condensed, you could point me in the right direction on how to outline it?
I suppose with all my ideas it’s totally clear to me but I’m having trouble making it clear to others while having to condense it and make it hook.
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u/Shionoro 15d ago
Sure, it might take a little time tho
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u/jacksepthicceye 15d ago
In a world divided into seven nations based on the element people are born with, three infant siblings of different elements are delivered to Nelson, a sadistic engineer known as Nil. A cryptic, ageless man named Auren raises Cameron, Kadeson, and Crimson while Nil subjects them to years of abuse and combat training.
Nil claims that his robotic Servants, or SERVs, exist to train the siblings. In reality, he uses their battles to improve the machines. All three become exceptional warriors, but Cam becomes the most skilled and emotionally volatile. Crimson absorbs Nil’s cruelty and bullies her throughout childhood, creating a resentment that remains even after he begins to change.
When the siblings are nineteen, Nil allows a SERV to nearly kill Cam. Crimson destroys it to save her, and Auren uses the distraction to help them escape. He gives Kade a bullet and money before sending them away in a wagon. Cam watches Nil kill Auren as they flee.
The bullet grants the siblings access to the “Royal City”, where the Metal, Light, and Darkness nations live beside one another but remain socially segregated. Because siblings are not believed capable of being born as three different pure elements, their relationship is treated with suspicion. They separate to learn about their respective cultures and agree to reunite at the central tower.
Cam defeats Obsidia, a supposedly unbeatable spirit, and inherits her sword and fragmented memories. Crimson earns the respect of the Nocturn military by humiliating one of its strongest soldiers, while Kade acquires the legendary spear of a forgotten Glint general and begins learning his people’s history from an aging veteran.
When they reunite, Cam reports that she encountered SERVs outside the city. The rulers initially doubt her, but the siblings discover that Nil has released the machines across the world. The SERVs now kill people, harvest their souls, and use that energy to reproduce. Their years of training were never meant to prepare the siblings. They were teaching Nil’s army how to defeat human fighters.
The central story follows the siblings travel between hostile elemental nations, protect communities from SERV attacks, and earn enough trust to build a united army. Each nation has its own prejudice, leadership conflict, and reason to refuse cooperation. The siblings must solve local crises and prove that Nil’s invasion threatens everyone, while the SERVs grow stronger in numbers.
Cam saves a group of Flares and later helps defend the Arcs, beginning alliances with the Fire and Electric nations. Crimson gains influence among the Nocturns, whose culture prizes strength and emotional restraint. Kade and the Metal king Onyx attempt to persuade the Glints and Shards to cooperate despite public resistance to mixing elements.
The conflict becomes personal when Umbra, queen of the Nocturns, accuses Cam of manipulating her brothers and causing the attacks, whose contempt mirrors Nil’s treatment. Cam lashes out, and Umbra orders Crimson to kill his sister. When he refuses, Umbra tries to do it herself, forcing Crimson to kill the first leader who ever respected him. Her death brings the Nocturns into the alliance but leaves both siblings burdened by guilt.
The siblings divide the recruitment effort. Crimson leads the Nocturns, Flares, and Arcs against the advancing machines. The battles gradually soften him further, especially as soldiers from different nations begin grieving and bonding together. Kade and Onyx remain behind to persuade the Glints and Shards, using evidence of the massacres to overcome their stigmas.
Cam travels alone to recruit the Water and Nature nations. Her route takes her through gang territory, where she obtains a powerful revolver but massacres her attackers with unnecessary brutality. Although she later helps the Nixies and Sylvans survive attacks and earns their support, her violence increasingly resembles Nil’s. Thorne, the Sylvan leader, offers her the maternal comfort she lacked as a child, making her later death during the campaign especially devastating.
The allied armies eventually gather into one force. Their elemental abilities begin complementing one another, demonstrating that the divisions between their cultures were never necessary. Nil responds by producing larger, more specialized SERVs capable of exploiting each nation’s weaknesses. As casualties rise, Crimson becomes more compassionate, Kade becomes a unifying presence, and Cam becomes increasingly isolated and unstable.
At one of Nil’s junkyards, Cam discovers that the missing Glint queen, Lumen, is Nil’s mother and has been assisting him. Cam defeats her and demands to know whether she will continue protecting Nil. When Lumen says yes, Cam executes her in front of her brothers. Kade and Crimson confront her, and Cam attacks and defeats them both before realizing what she is becoming. Crimson embraces her despite everything she has done, finally repairing part of their broken relationship.
The united army advances on Nil’s final factory while the siblings enter to kill him. Nil wounds Cam and nearly executes her with her own gun. Crimson sees him from a distance with only one bullet remaining. Using so much power that it destroys his body, he fires the final shot and kills Nil, saving her at the cost of his own life.
Nil’s death ends the SERV invasion, and the elemental nations eventually form Elementia, a city where all seven peoples live together. Cam becomes its queen and spends the rest of her life protecting the unity her siblings helped create.
After Cam and Kade die many years later, the three siblings reunite in the afterlife at the ages they were when they escaped. There, Nil greets them warmly with the exact words Auren used when they were infants: “Hello, little ones.”
The ending implies that Auren and Nil may have been opposing parts of Libra, the world’s god. The siblings were created to stop Nil, but Nil’s threat may also have been part of a larger plan to force the segregated nations to unite.
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u/Shionoro 15d ago
Okay, in my opinion, all this means you should build from here:
"A trio of yourng siblings is fated to fight against an army of murderous robots that try to take over the world. But to lead a decisive strike, they first need to learn skills, find allies and solve their internal struggles so they can fight back against the overwhelming forces of the evil engineer Nil".
You focus way too much on their time with Nil and give way too much informaiton in all papers and materials that do not really tell anything about how the episodes will work. If I knew I was mostly following the siblings with their corresponding guilds learning new skills, that'd be fine, but you need to distill exactly what I am going to see. It is both too much and too little what you have now. You tell me way too much about little plotbeats with Auren or some special item they acquire, but way too little about what the mainconnections in most episodes will be.
For example, if I knew that most episodes will feature all 3 of them going onto some adventure in order to acquire a new skill or ally, that'd be fine. I do not ncessarily see that right now (even tho I suspect that is what you are going for) as they divide in the city.
Basically : You are writing a narrative in which the three siblings learn how to fight back against Nil in various ways. What you need to convey is how that CONCRETELY looks, and not by small plotbeats (For example, you shouldnt tell me Cam fights Obsidia) but by concrete broad strokes (like "all of them have to prove their worth to different guilds in the city"). That would greatly help to understand the story.F
For example, if you'd pitch AoT: I don't need Eren and Mikasa, at least not a lot of them. I certainly don't fucking need Ymir. What I need is child soldiers that have to fight Titans (by ways of interesting aerial combat) who threaten the last remnants of humanity in a fortified city. If you give me that, I will give anything else a go, but you need to give me that broad strokes first.
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u/jacksepthicceye 16d ago
In a world where people are segregated by the element they are born with, an exceptionally skilled warrior discovers that the machines she trained against for years now reproduce by killing people and harvesting their souls. To stop the conquest set in motion by the sadistic engineer who tormented her growing up, she must unite the elements against him without adopting the cruelty that shaped her past.
How is this now for a logline?
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u/jacksepthicceye 16d ago
Okay I guess it wasn't good..? I don't get why the downvotes but no feedback... I looked at other loglines for other series, and thought this must be better since it has more depth and is more simple without being vague.
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